It's your own damn fault that your husband is looking at me. Here's why he's ogling me -- and not you.

MILFmommy: Catch your man eyeing another chick when you're walking down the street? Well, hello. I'm the girl he's looking at. Although I can understand this may piss you off (I'd be pissed too), I have to be honest -- I like it.

First of all, I'm a mom and I work damn hard to look this good. I work out like crazy, I still fit into my skinny jeans, I never go out without mascara -- simply, I take pride in the fact that I am a woman! Second, when your man is looking at me it makes my guy want me even more ... love that. It's like a dog marking his territory and, frankly, it's nice to feel wanted. Third, by you not taking care of yourself, you're actually boosting my self-esteem in the process -- so thank you! Not that I needed a reminder, but it feels good to know I've still got it going on.

Honestly, it's really your own fault your man's checking me out -- you're the one who has let yourself go. I understand the baby weight thing, but that was four years ago ... and P.S.? you sound like a broken record. Get on the treadmill, DO something! Those cheap, old, ill-fitting mom jeans may have saved you some money, but they're not doing anything to save your sex life. Get some jeans that hug your curves so your man can see your booty. 

And while we're on the subject, what are you wearing under your jeans? Take a peek. If your panties are more than a year old, they're likely to have holes (and other stuff) in them. 

If you absolutely INSIST on wearing sweatpants (yuck) don't wear your husband's -- they add 5 lbs. to your already out of shape body. Get a pair of cute ones, or at least some that fit. 

Oh, and I can't believe I actually have to say this because it's just so obvious, but for God's sake SHAVE (legs, underarms, bikini)! The "I haven't shaved in two weeks" isn't cute, it's gross. Nobody wants to go down there with a machete.

The bottom line -- if you don't want him staring at me, make him stare at YOU!