I'm a Marlboro Mom
Monday, September 22, 2008
Guest Blogger Mom De Plume: "I've gone a long way from sneaking a smoke in the girl's room. These days I hide my secret from my toddler."
I have a confession -- every once in a while I like to have myself a nice smoke. And so far, my toddler has no clue.
Hey, I'm not all bad. I didn't smoke through my pregnancy or while breast feeding (I did it for six months, but the moment my milk dried up, I switched off the breast pump with one hand and lit a cigarette with the other).
Yet, in her short 2 1⁄2 years of life, she has never seen me smoke.
I smoke outside when she's asleep. I've smoked when she's fallen asleep in our car in our driveway. I've had friends play with her as I sneak out back to sneak a smoke. Up until now she's been completely shielded from my secret.
Until last week.
On a quick errand to buy a pack of cigarettes and a magazine, my darling tot finally caught on at the cash register.
"What's that?" she asked, pointing to the pack of cigs.
"A magazine," I stammered, nervously attempting to distract her.
No dice.
"No, mommy, what's THAT??" she yelled, grabbing at the box.
Suddenly, I'm every horrible mom I've ever read about. I've taken my daughter into a 7-11 to buy cigarettes -- am I half a step away from putting beer in her sippy cup and sending her wandering alone in a parking lot?
I really don't smoke that much, barely a pack A WEEK. Yet, the smarter she gets, even that is going to be hard to conceal.
Maybe I'm doing her a favor -- my mom DIDN'T smoke. I rebelled against everything she did, so I took it up. If I let her in on my secret, maybe when my baby is a teen she'll reject smoking as the filthy, deadly habit it is.
OK, I'm grasping at straws.
But I got to think of something because, frankly, I don't think I'm ready to quit. Is there ever going to be right time to be honest with her about mommy's shame?
Hey, I'm not all bad. I didn't smoke through my pregnancy or while breast feeding (I did it for six months, but the moment my milk dried up, I switched off the breast pump with one hand and lit a cigarette with the other).
Yet, in her short 2 1⁄2 years of life, she has never seen me smoke.
I smoke outside when she's asleep. I've smoked when she's fallen asleep in our car in our driveway. I've had friends play with her as I sneak out back to sneak a smoke. Up until now she's been completely shielded from my secret.
Until last week.
On a quick errand to buy a pack of cigarettes and a magazine, my darling tot finally caught on at the cash register.
"What's that?" she asked, pointing to the pack of cigs.
"A magazine," I stammered, nervously attempting to distract her.
No dice.
"No, mommy, what's THAT??" she yelled, grabbing at the box.
Suddenly, I'm every horrible mom I've ever read about. I've taken my daughter into a 7-11 to buy cigarettes -- am I half a step away from putting beer in her sippy cup and sending her wandering alone in a parking lot?
I really don't smoke that much, barely a pack A WEEK. Yet, the smarter she gets, even that is going to be hard to conceal.
Maybe I'm doing her a favor -- my mom DIDN'T smoke. I rebelled against everything she did, so I took it up. If I let her in on my secret, maybe when my baby is a teen she'll reject smoking as the filthy, deadly habit it is.
OK, I'm grasping at straws.
But I got to think of something because, frankly, I don't think I'm ready to quit. Is there ever going to be right time to be honest with her about mommy's shame?
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Email12 comments so far | Post a comment now >>
Oh, thank you. I also smoke in secret, 1 … sometimes MAYBE 2/day, and always at night when my kids are finally in bed and fast asleep. I feel so awful about it and I know it’s so wrong to admit but I look forward to those five minutes ALL DAY LONG. It’s just five minutes of peace and quiet and I can’t imagine giving that up.
- Jenny
Ooooh oh that smell. Can’t you smell that smell? Even though you think she doesn’t know, I’m sure she has noticed that mommy smells funny sometimes. Your best course of action would be to give up the cigarettes altogether, but I’m guessing you already know that.
- Cindy Cavuto
not really…I blame the breast pump!! I’m an ex-smoker now but I was a smoker and decided to quit when I decided to have kids and once the breast pump went off for good I lit up again. I finally quit for good about a year later… When I was ready! my goodness… where is all this guilt coming from? If you smoke then you smoke. Don’t hide it. Obviously you’re not ready to quit yet and maybe one you will be. Until then smoke outside, don’t smoke when your kid is in the car, and whenever possible wash your hand after smoking or use hand sanitizer.
- be ashamed, be very ashamed!!
I am an ex-smoker who started smoking again. I also hide my dirty secret. Honetsly if you’ve never smoked you can never know the feeling. If you are not ready, you’re not. Plain and simple don’t waste the time or money trying. When you are ready (there will come a point as you already know) get the patch. I swear by them!
- Kristin
I think if you truly cared about your child you’d quit. It’s not about you anymore. What is she going to do when her mom dies of cancer??
- Quit
Ugh, the secret smoke…I am THERE. Some people don’t regard it as a health thing, to them, its moral and I’m the devil. I take college classes and a professor caught me on break, my one cigarette a day. She actually called me a bad mom, in no uncertain terms. “Therese! Ne fumez pas! C’est tres mal…ton pauvre fille…” I knew I was busted, and even though I never smoke around her and will sometimes change my shirt before I go home…I blushed 8 shades. For me, it was the opposite, my mom smoked ALL THE TIME. still does. We’re Irish, so everyone in the family does. It’s hard to quit…even harder since i keep making excuses for myself.
- Anonymous
TELL ME ABOUT IT!!! My 7 yr old went through the “don’t do drugs” program in school and now I have to actually hide out to grab a smoke. She catches me and reads me the riot act about how she doesn’t want her mom to die and goes on and on and becomes hysterical crying. I’ve always been a closet smoker but now it’s INSANE! It’s so easy for some people to quit, but I have tried many times with no avail.
- gentrydog
I stopped smoking 3 years ago when I decided to have a child ..I had smoked for over 15 years I come from a family of smokers both my parents smoked and 3 of my 4 siblings smoke. my father died (smoker who had cancer) just before I decied to have a child. his death made me decied to have a child cause I would never have a picture of my child with my father . well my husbands mother died(ex smoker who had cancer) when I was about 2 months along, his father died 3 months later when I was 5 months along from emphysema.they said his lungs looked like swiss cheese just before he died and that was 5 years after he stopped smoking My mother is the only grandparent my daughter has and she is gravly ill from smoking she has copd very bad and is in and out the hospital all the time .. my daughters only 2 and when I ask her if she wants to see grandma she says no I dont want to go to the doctors again . she thinks my mom lives in the hospital. my mom has half heartedly tryed to stop smoking but its very hard for her because she lives in a house with 3 other smokers and 1 of them refuses to smoke outside so they all smoke inside. Its killing my mother and no one seems to care. my mother is only 67 but she is so ill from not getting enough oxygen that she cant really walk anymore . I would love for her myself and my daughter to go to lunch and such but she is too ill for that to happen anymore. she cant even make it to the restroom anymore let alone shower to leave the house . I havent been able to go visit my mom since shes been out of the hospital this last time because I have a cold and if she gets sick it can kill her. I sometimes wonder if the last time I saw her will be the last time I ever see her alive
- Sandra Deffner
Sandra D- I feel your pain. My mom was diagnosed with COPD about 18 months ago. She has been smoke free for about 1 year now. She is only 63. The only reason she is smoke free is she went into the hospital and really thought she was going to die. Yes it sucks my sister swears she does not smoke around but I know my mom still likes the smell. I always tell my kids smoking kills. My 4 year old likes to play “pokin’ I get so aggravated with her. As far as the secret smokers if it’s one a day who cares I’d be more concerned about other judgmental mom’s finding out they can be brutal I imagine. oh and I smoke only when with the girlfriends and when the cocktails are flowing so like maybe 2 a month. shhh don’t tell…
- mom22
I used to be an addict…back in the ‘90’s, okay….and ‘00 it’s been the road to where I am now, in the best shape of my life, now hear me when I tell you this…..Tobacco is the SLOWEST FORM OF SUICIDE. “Do the cigarette mash” ladies. I swear, I was addicted to opiates in the ‘90’s and up until I started to run,in ‘07, when I woud hit trying times, you know what I craved - A CIGARETTE! They do noting for you other then slowly destroy you body. You don’t get IREI, like with a J, you don’t get anything from it. Go and inhale air, eat a carrot (it’s how I quit) but do not smoke tobacco. (and if you smoke when you drink booze,don’t drink booze - personally, I don’t think anyone should do anything other then an occasional J, but that’s me AND THAT does not ruin your longs, I run an average of ten miles a day! It’s their propaganda)
- cara
you are SO telling my story! I’ve been very intentional about my 1 year old never seeing me smoke, and even wear different clothes and try to cram in a shower after my daily ciggy…not sure how i’ll keep it up as she grows, but i’ll cross that bridge when i get to it. i am so glad to know i’m not the only sneaky one
- anonymous
I just have to say…all these comments on the dangers of smoking… Don’t you know that everything good is bad for you? Like chocolate? Wine? Skiing? Read: Obesity, Alcoholism, Accident. Don’t play like some of you self-righteous ladies don’t weigh a couple hundred and get down on the Big Macs…you’re killing yourself slowly too.
- Anonymous
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