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What Doesn't Kill You...

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Mom-on-the-edge: "I had to hear every insult, every twisted lie. I had to hear it all loud and clear because I knew these tantrums were ultimately the key to my happiness. One of these days, I wouldn't be able to take it anymore."

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It was like déjà vu, only it wasn't just a feeling this had happened before, it had. He was screaming, "You hate me! You always have. You pretend to be nice but you just act that way, you manipulate everyone. You're a conniving, controlling..." I heard it all before, three months earlier, in couples counseling--the day he said he wanted a separation. I listened to each word intently as he shouted into the phone. I had to hear what he said, every insult, every twisted lie. I had to hear it all loud and clear because I knew these tantrums were ultimately the key to my happiness. One of these days, I wouldn't be able to take it anymore.

"Please, stop yelling. Let's not fight..."

"You're aggressive. You want to be angry!"

"I'm sitting outside in the park. It's a nice night. Why don't you come meet me?"

I knew if we talked in public, he would have to tone it down.

"I'm going to the apartment. I want to see our son. Come home now."

I refused to enter the danger zone, in danger of indulging him in an argument. I made a vow to myself never to become that person again, and I definitely wasn't going bring my little boy into it.  

"Please, can't we have a conversation..."

"You have to stop yelling!"

He was up to his old tricks. As he shouted at the top of his lungs, he would say I had to stop yelling. As I tried to convince him to have a conversation, he would say I was aggressive. As the therapist pointed out months earlier, he doesn't hear anything I say, good or bad. He doesn't hear anything but himself.

I knew this was going nowhere and I knew I couldn't go home. So, I loaded the baby into the car and I took off for my sister's. I called her on the cell to say we were on our way, but the battery was low--and I got cut off. I guess that would be the theme for the evening.


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3 comments so far | Post a comment now
Hollie September 1, 2008, 11:39 AM

Where’s the rest??

Gilly September 1, 2008, 2:30 PM

Wow, am I familiar with this! And that little trick, the part where he accuses you of being the one yelling? THAT is the worst and makes my blood boil. My ex husband does that and he too never screams in public. Mine started out always feeling bad about screaming at me. His pattern was that he would scream until he felt better then he could not understand why I was upset hours later. At first he would cry and promise to try not to be like he was. Eventually, he was less and less sorry until after a while his aggression worsened and he could find a million reasons it was my fault he was yelling. But the worst, for some reason, was that he would be screaming and accussing me of being the one screaming. Eventually I fell into the trap of screaming back (NOT GOOD) and that was just what he wanted. Then all of the sudden he would say “I don’t have to listen to you screaming, you have no right to act like this!” Oh that would just make me so angry!!
Thankfully, we are divorced. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t still call and scream, it just means I can hang up and not have to deal with it if I don’t want to. Best of luck to you!

Dana October 2, 2008, 9:51 AM

what happened to the rest of the story.
I really like the site, but they never give you the whole story or what happens.


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