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Mommy for Four Months ... A Month Later

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Momlogic's Talitha: When I lost my baby at four and a half months pregnant, I felt crippled. Today, I can breathe.

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It was just a month ago that I lost the four-month-old baby living inside of me. Because I didn't know quite what to do with my feelings, I expressed them by writing them down in hopes to shed a little light on what it feels like to lose an unborn child. I was so overwhelmed with the responses I received from all of you -- personal stories of loss and grief and hope, that I wanted to give an update on how things are today:

I had a hauntingly similar experience. There are no words. Just time and even that never erases it. I have had 2 kids since then and still am upset because I should have 3 - Kim

I think about the baby every single day: when I'm working, pulling on my skinny jeans or drinking a glass of wine. Thoughts like "God, I definitely wouldn't be wearing THESE right now" or "Today. Five months, four days." Sometimes I still visit websites I used to go to that show the growth of a baby week by week, to see how big she would have been. But -- and there really is a but -- rather than the crippling effect it had on me a month ago, the loss has become part of my daily life, and my thoughts pass like most thoughts do -- quickly. Time has healed me; it's a bit easier now. I don't wake with grief and go to bed with grief. Now, it's more like mini-earthquakes that act as shaky reminders of loss -- little heartbreaks, that flare up at any given time (and for no apparent reason) on a daily basis. Loss is part of life and it's part of my life, everyday. But with loss comes an incredible amount of growth, too.

I have 2 kids and will be sure to hug and kiss them when they get home from school. - Bianca

I know now, on a visceral level, that the only thing I know is that I don't know, WE don't know: Nothing is in our hands. Armed with this, I try to cherish the people I love more than I ever have before. I am quicker (but still not quick enough) to remind myself of how blessed I am if my boyfriend and I get in an argument over something stupid. I don't want to regret anything that I do (I am not saying this is possible, because I am very flawed, but I try). I know now, that we are on borrowed time in a world that functions much like the ocean -- with waves of pure joy and waves of unexplainable grief, but all ... temporary.

As a husband having watched my wife go through this, i have to say it was one of the hardest experiences in my life for me, not just losing the baby but seeing her faced with such grief - Michael

At the end of the day, I suppose that lesson is a bittersweet blessing: Knowing we can love and lose and then get up and love again, appreciating what we have and not taking it for granted. That was the gift she gave me, that was the gift of her loss.

I went through a very similar experience last year. I was just about 4 months too. That image on the monitor of my lifeless baby still haunts me...when my due date came..I cried for about a week straight.  - Shawn

The other day I ran into an acquaintance at the gym for the first time since I shared the news that I was pregnant. She kind of looked at my stomach in confusion, and rather than bursting into tears, I grabbed her arm and said: "It's okay, but I'm not pregnant anymore. I lost the baby." I could say it without choking for the first time, and I realized I had healed part of that once gaping hole. There will always be a tear there, and that's okay. It's okay, I'm okay, and whatever happens will be okay. I so look forward to being pregnant again, and think it will be a completely different experience the next time around. And I cannot wait -- simply cannot wait -- for the day my man and I welcome a healthy baby into the world.

I lost my first baby at 7 months pregnant and then had to go through labor. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I now have 2 healthy boys. - Barbara

Lastly, I just want to say thank you: For helping me realize that I am not just a woman who lost her baby, but that I AM a mommy ... the mommy of an angel.

I'm sad now because I am watching my oldest daughter go through some of the same things I did, but I told her to never give up. I didn't and now hopefully I'll be a grandma soon. - Pam

next: You SHOULD Talk Smack About Your Man!
28 comments so far | Post a comment now
jackie September 16, 2008, 10:39 AM

thank you so much for sharing this. It happens so much. I remember reading about your loss and always wondered how you were doing afterwards. It’s very brave. You write from the heart.

eleanor September 16, 2008, 10:41 AM

Thank You for the story. I am a mom of three angels, and one beautiful boy.

Jonna September 16, 2008, 10:59 AM

I’m a angel-mommy to my daughter that I lost at 21 weeks. Time is the healer of all things, but it never erases the memory. For that, I’m glad and although I still grieve often, it’s much easier now and I’ve found so much support in others that have experienced the same.
Beautiful story to share, thank you!

anna September 16, 2008, 11:04 AM

Dear Talitha,
With tears in my eyes I read this story again and again.I am sure you will have another healthy baby soon.It is so very helpful for other women and men who are and were in the same situation as you to read about this.Thanks again and please keep writing and keep us all updated.

Trina September 16, 2008, 11:29 AM

i just don’t even know what to say. i had to read this thru the tears in my eyes, i can’t imagine how hard it is. but you are right, you are a mommy.

wendi September 16, 2008, 11:31 AM

I was wondering how you were doing! when i first read your story i was so moved. It really spoke to so many women and again with this story, it’s just heartbreaking but very beautiful. Bravo momlogic, for having writers that are able to speak from the heart.

Renee September 16, 2008, 11:56 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my last baby at only 5 weeks pregnant. The grief I felt even then was devastating and debilatating. I cannot imagine having lost one even later. May God bless you.

Jamie September 16, 2008, 12:18 PM

This December 31st would have been my second child’s (approximate) 13th birthday. I went on to have three more wonderful children, and am now 23 weeks pregnant with what will probably be my last baby. I NEVER forget #2’s birthday, or the date I lost him/her; until we meet in Heaven, I will ALWAYS remember.

Suzanne Eller September 16, 2008, 12:19 PM

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve not lost a child, but have had loved ones who have. Your story helps me to know how they feel, and how to come alongside as a friend. Thank you.

Talitha September 16, 2008, 12:27 PM

Thank you for being strong and taking the time to share your story. Your words so beautifully written will help angle mommies around the world. Thank you for the gift and god bless.

tami maceachern September 16, 2008, 12:29 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost a baby at 4 1/2 months. 20 weeks to be exact. It was a little girl and it took me a long long time to deal with. I guess it wasn’t until my 2nd pregnancy after 20 weeks that i started to relax a bit. I still think about her alot, it was 12 years ago this June. It is very hard, but on May 2/98 I gave birth to a 10’11 oz baby boy with blonde hair and blue eyes, his name was Dylan. I say was because when he was 4 and 1/2 years old i too lost him, suddenly and tragically due to an undiagnosed bowel obstruction by the hospital.I todate have an angel baby and an angel son in heaven and a 6 1/2 year old daughter on earth - her name is Jaden. She was 11 1/2 months old when we lost Dylan. I thought i would never get past losing my first in gestation, but i have to tell you, losing my little boy has just about taken all i have. You are not alone in your saddness and some days when you feel you are please remember that there is support out there for you. i hope that your days get better soon.

abigail September 16, 2008, 12:35 PM

Please momlogic. please write us more stories like this. my daughter just went through this and she really has no outlet. noone talks about the stuff everyone is afraid to talk about. it seems you have people on your staff that are able to express themselves so that others can relate, and we need that right now in our world. It’s so difficult to lose someone and hearing Talitha’s story gives everyone hope. I look forward to hearing about when she is pregnant. And i will forward this to my daughter. Thank you.

Amy September 16, 2008, 1:11 PM

Thanks so much for sharing your story. I lost a baby much earlier on back in September of 2007, and I was devastated by it. I too counted the milestones and on my baby’s due date, April 21st, my daughter, husband, and I participated in the March for Babies.

Though I still think of that baby often, I have come to terms with the fact that I would not have my second daughter, turning a year next week, had I not lost that baby.

Whatever the reason, whatever the plan, it’s out of my hands.

Thank you again, and I wish you the best in continuing to have children.

Eve September 16, 2008, 1:16 PM

I sit here reading your story with tears in my eyes, and hope that the strength, courage, and acceptance you feel now will stay with you. Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope you will welcome a healthy baby soon.

Proud Mom of five! September 16, 2008, 2:18 PM

My darling Angel Abigail was stillborn at 30 1/2 weeks. My husband was Active Duty Navy in school, which was more important of course and I knew no one because we had just moved to town so I had to go through labor by myself while making funreal arrangements, lying in bed listening to babies being born to happy mothers. It crushed me! After giving birth the hospital placed me in the maternity ward. Can you even imagine? That was nine years ago and not a day goes by that I don’t miss her. My other daughters carry her eyes. Ever glance from them reminds me she was here. Which I’m so grateful for.

Since losing her my husband and I have had four healthy babies and I had one previously. It hasn’t been an easy road though. Every pregancy brought on worries and fears of what was to come.

Through all this I found my peace in God and his plan. Even though I cannot understand why things like this happen faith it what has gotten me through.

Good luck to you and God Bless!

Stephanie September 16, 2008, 2:43 PM

I have been trying to get pregnant and have had 4 miscarriages. The hard part aboutit is that the joy when you’re pregnant comes crashing down on you so strongly. It’s almost like you can’t even get excited. I live in constant fear of this happening again, and never being a mom to a healthy baby. I ask why every time. Is it not in the plan? I don’t understand.

Mark Beekmans September 16, 2008, 3:14 PM

Dear Talitha,

Yvette just wrote me an email and now I read for the first time about your situation. Words fail to express something like this and therefore I can even begin to tell you how sad I feel and sympathize with you. Please realze that many more people than you know are thinking of you and from all these thughts must come something positive. Take care, take time and heal yourself to over come this. I wish you the very best! Love mark

michael September 16, 2008, 6:42 PM

I was the husband that wrote about his wife. Thank you, i will share this with her. And thank you for putting my quote up-that means a lot. I think there are probably a lot of guys out there wondering how to deal with their wives grief, which I am now realizing, after reading your story, never quite goes away.Iam sorry for that. We don’t really feel the same way you do-we feel grief, but it’s not in our body the way it is for you. I know my wife is not alone and I treasure her because she went through this more than ever. She is strong to live with it. thank you.

Stephanie September 16, 2008, 7:05 PM

While I am very sorry for your loss, I couldn’t help but piece together your article and realize that hopefully the other thing that will be different next time around is that you and your boyfriend will be married! Why is it SO okay with so many people theses days to have children out-of-wedlock like it is the norm instead of the exception? I honestly do not mean to be offensive, but everywhere I turn the page I am reading about another unwed mother-to-be. This is SO not ok!!

yvette September 16, 2008, 7:17 PM

stephanie-i can’t believe that that was your comment. Would it have been better to NOT try and have the baby? What is the alternative? And what does it matter if someone is married or not, if a couple is committed and has love to give to a new life? Just because someone is married that guarantees a happy family? What planet are you from in this world of a 60 % divorce rate. You can’t judge anyone-you don’t know anything about this couple other than the fact that they seemed committed and excited to have this baby that they so sadly lost.
shame on you.

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