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Divorcee: A Social Outcast

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Mom-on-the-edge: Saying 'I do' was relatively easy. Saying 'I don't'--so much harder!

divorced woman at a couples party
"Getting married is a leap of faith,"  "There is no perfect union,"  "A good relationship takes a lot of hard work."  I told myself these things and--after years of being afraid of commitment--they gave me the courage to stand up at the altar.  "Going for it"' felt better than I ever imagined.  No more waffling, no more wondering--I made a decision.  WE made a decision and we were on a path moving forward.  It was exciting.  It was a relief.  We finally knew the secret handshake and we were a part of a larger society.

But, as our second anniversary approaches, our once promising future feels doomed.  Now, the question is: Do I stick it out or be set free?  The repercussions of quitting are sure to have a big effect on me.  I took note: 

Our married friends rarely, if ever, invited divorcees to their soirees.  Yes, there were plenty of couples that despised each other--he was having an affair, she hated sex...  But, they were all invited to the party.  Singles were all but cast out. 

I observed that most of the single women I knew were desperately searching for a good date AND searching Facebook for old lovers only to be slapped with a picture of their perfect looking families. 

And, I noticed that none of the other mothers in my son's playgroup even admitted to marital discord.  One mom started to say, "My husband and I had a fight. Well," she corrected herself, "it wasn't a fight--it was a disagreement..."  I could only imagine how they would fear me after I faced their biggest fears.

Plus, there were all those future holidays where I wouldn't have dibs on on my son.  What would I give thanks for at Thanksgiving?  And what about graduation or his wedding day?  My ex would be sitting beside me, probably with his new wife sitting beside him.

The thought of getting divorced seemed absolutely overwhelming.  In comparison, saying 'I do' was relatively easy.  Saying 'I don't'--so much harder!


7 comments so far | Post a comment now
Anonymous September 8, 2008, 3:47 PM

I’m sorry that you feel this way. A friend of mine just got divorced in May and she never let on that things were that serious between her and her husband. When we finally got to seriously talk she told me that because me and my husband were always so perfect and lovey dovey she didn’t want to tell me. I had to let her know that i wasn’t her friend because we were both married and people who only let you into their lives just because of certain situations then they are not friends. Although i have the occasional couples game night i don’t leave her out completely.

CK1 September 8, 2008, 4:59 PM

I stayed in a miserable marriage for 11 long years because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone. I didn’t want to admit that I couldn’t make it work. I put up with his cheating and lying to me for all those years just to make others happy. I didn’t want to look like a failure. It literally almost killed me. The stress ate away at me until I weighed only 96 pounds. At 5’6” I was wasting away. One day I finally said, “what the hell am I fighting for?” “Why do I want this lying, cheating man?” And from there I was free! Yeah! Finally free! Now facing my family wasn’t so easy…being raced in religious family BUT it was worth it. My ex-husband married the last woman he had an affair with and I moved on. I moved on to happiness! A few years later I met the most loving, caring man I could have ever imagined. I am always put first and he lives to make me happy. He is a breath of fresh air. We have been married nine wonderful years and he is still my best friend. I adore him and he adores me. Well, my point is in all this, life goes on no matter what you decide to do…It can get better if that’s what you choose for yourself. Don’t let others decide for you…It’s your life! AND, true friends don’t care what your marital status is, they love you for the person that you are.

Gloria September 8, 2008, 11:30 PM

Very nice Ck1, it is daunting at first to take the steps you took, and not look back. This was someone you shared your life with, the holidays, the happy occasions and the sad ones as well. All of that is considered bonding, so all of a sudden when things aren’t looking so good, it is that meshing that is taking place, that is hard to break apart from. He or she is so much a part of your life. It is hard to imagine that you can move forward, but when people start to become more aggravating, and less loving even though there may be valid reasons for the feelings, it is truly hard to deal with. Some people are naturally pessimistic, and refuse to see things any other way. For men or women who cheat on spouses, whats keeping you? The fact that some people have that much less consideration for their spouses is awful. But these types of things do go on, I wish people would stop acting in a immature way, but up until the hormones edge off, anything is possible. I cannot recommend enough go for counseling, this will help to keep you focused while going though this tough time. Good Luck.

Alicia September 8, 2008, 11:36 PM

I believe you deserve better but it your choice. If your friends wont talk to you find new friends because if they dont want to talk to you because your divorced then they wasn’t really your friends. I don’t really know what to say about holidays but I hope it gets easier for you. I have kept up in your posts and I can say that you do deserve better. I really hope you find someone who treats you better if you make the decision to divorce. You deserve so much better than him yelling at you and making you feel the way you do. When I almost got a divorce my mother said that it will be hard and you have to take it one day at a time. If you need anyone to talk to I will be here I am on momlogic almost every day or at least I try to. I just want you to make the choice for you and no one else. It doesn’t matter what is going to happen in the future it matters on how he makes you feel and how he is treating you. A marriage is two people and if he wont be there for you like you are for him then it really isn’t a marriage. Just please ask yourself is it really worth it? I hope you make the decision that your heart is telling you to make.

ame i. September 9, 2008, 10:34 AM

I was widowed 5 years ago. I should be ashamed to admit that at times, I was afraid people would think I was a divorced mom.

acevfzs dlmcpoyji September 11, 2008, 7:35 AM

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Cindy September 12, 2008, 6:46 AM

When my husband and I split up, I was in the same situation - no more friends on my husband’s side… it was truly “break-up by association.” Well, guess what? I hate to be cynical, but even though you are the first to go through it, you certainly won’t be the last. Let’s face it - 50% of our marriages end in divorce. And, if you think the entire other 50% are happy, think again. As we’ve read here, there are a lot of unhappy marriages that stick together for whatever the reason. Since my split, I’ve become stronger, happier, more independent and and a much better mother. I love that my children see a woman who isn’t in need of a man in her life. Better yet, I have found through my 6 years of being single a LOT of people who actually envy me for my situation! :))


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