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Married Women Hate Sex

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Sexless marriage: Millions of moms are in one, yet it's taboo to talk about it. Momlogic asked 2,500 married women to reveal the dirty details about their sex lives after marriage and we were shocked by what we found--half found sex to be a depressing, embarrassing or a hassle! PLUS: Three moms and a deprived husband share their stories of sexless marriage. AND: Expert advice for spicing up your relationship.


The most eye-opening findings:

50% of women find sex either depressing, embarrassing or a hassle: We also found out that although 77% of the women claim their sex life is somewhat to very important to them, 54% of married women admit they're the ones who don't want to have sex.

According to 29% of married women, they're just too tired:Not too surprising--at least to those of us with young kids-- that this was the main reason women say they don't want to have sex.

What would women rather do than have sex?
• 24% would rather take a bubble bath.
• 26% would rather read a book.

Also, according to our survey:
• 23% of the women who have sex do it because they love their husbands and want to make him happy.
• 49% of the women have sex because they want it.
• 26% of the women surveyed say their sex lives took a turn for the worst after they had children.

Even momogic contributor, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Shannon Fox was surprised by the results of our survey. "It is sad to see that half of the women polled described their sex lives as depressing, embarrassing or a hassle. That is a lot of unhappy women! That means that even the women who are having sex more often aren't happy with the quality of the sex they are having."

But on the flip side, although things look bleak when it comes to married sex, Shannon Fox says, "77% say of the women say that their sex life is important. I've found that the husbands in sexless marriages are often shocked to discover that their wives think sex is important. Spouses in sexless marriages often feel neglected and that their desires are unimportant to their mates."

Shannon Fox adds, "It is not surprising to see that the frequency of sex decreased for many couples after the birth of their first child. Many women report less opportunity for sex, dislike for their post-baby bodies and sheer exhaustion as the main killers of their sex lives after children."

According to statistics, living in a sexless marriage is VERY common; however, for some reason, it is still one of the most taboo subjects around. But we found three moms who invited us into their homes (and marriages) and shared their own experiences of being in a sexless marriage. And it's not all what you'd think...

A deprived husband turns to momlogic to help save his sexless marriage. Keep reading for the complete interview.

Check out our gallery and spice up your life life with an aphrodisiac.
1 | 2 | 3

next: It's Official: Lap Dances and Kids Don't Mix
191 comments so far | Post a comment now
Steve August 15, 2008, 10:02 PM

Women hate all sex. once they put on the ring its over. I can say to all young men never marry women. I had more sex in one month before i was married than ive had in the last 10 years since ive been married. Marriage is horrible!!!!!!!!!! It is missery why in gods name why would any man ever want to get married!!! I pray my wife leaves me very day of the week. I swear as soon as she put on the ring that was it no more sex. I should make a website up dedicated to spreading the word that once you get married your sexlife is over and you might as well be dead.

Steve August 15, 2008, 10:18 PM

On another note I have to ask this question. Why do you marry men if you hate sex so much? Is it just because you feel the need to repopulate the species? In my opinion let it die. Life is better without you women who hate sex so much.

Steve August 15, 2008, 10:29 PM

Most men don’t care if you gain a few pounds we just want some intimate moments with you and to express our love for you! If you women hate sex so much please don’t waste our lives on you. God how I miss being single. If it wasn’t for the financial problems of divorce id dump my sexless wife in a moment!!! Take it from me young men never marry. Have night or two with them and then get rid of them and move on. Ive staid faithfull for ten years and im about to burst. Mark my word young men NEVER MARRY!!!!! NEVER MARRY!!!!! NEVER MARRY!!!!!! NEVER MARRY!!!!!!! NEVER MARRRY!!!!!

Steve August 15, 2008, 10:42 PM

Once you get married its the end of your life. I thought my wife liked sex before we got married and we had sex all the time. Once she puts on the ring its over. Her sex drive dies and your life is a nightmare of sexless nights and frustration. Oh and she hates it if you haven’t had sex for a week and she doesn’t want to but you take care of your own needs oh my god its the end of the universe your a lowlife even though she doesn’t want sex. I can’t describe how horrid marriage is. I pray for death!!!!!!!!!!

greg August 16, 2008, 1:57 AM

I believe it would greatly reduce the divorce rate if potential marriage partners answered this question to each other.

Assuming there is no physical or verbal abuse, no drug problems, and no physical incapacities,
for how long after the wedding should a married couple continue to give each other a sex life?

a) Til death do us part.
b) Only until the women reaches menopause.
c) Only until the novelty of marriage wears off, say one to two years, and after that sex is only for making babies.
d) Only during the honeymoon, and after that sex is only for making babies.

Knowing how a potential spouse answered this question would prevent surprises later on in the marriage.
The surprises I’m talking about here are the ones that make men feel like they are stuck in a loveless marriage,
and they then either stick with it as unhappily married men, or end it in divorce, or go out and seek what’s
missing in their lives from other women, and then their wife claims that is the reason the marriage is bad.

There is a saying “Women need to feel loved to have sex, and men need to have sex to feel loved”.
It’s a start but not the total picture since women also need to feel comfortable with their body
to want sex, or feel that there is something to gain from having sex, such as to kick-start to new
relationship or maintain one that is not yet legally binding.

The answers to the above question should be discussed prior to “The Commitment”, and it should
never be okay for either partner to invoke the “prerogative to change ones mind” about “The Commitment”
after the wedding. This would reduce the divorce rate by preventing the marriages that would
most likely end in divorce, not because of physical or verbal abuse, or drug problems, or physical
incapacities, but because of differing sexual agendas.

Samantha August 16, 2008, 9:46 PM

After stage III breast cancer at age 42, eight years ago, the thought of having sex freaks me out. It’s bad enough that I have to see ME every time I change clothes, the thought of anyone else seeing me is not going to happen. period. I had “reconstruction” and that only made wearing clothes tolerable. =( My hubby has been really great, but you know what? If he does cheat.. so be it. It would only be for the physical aspect and so what. I’m almost beyond caring anymore.

greg August 17, 2008, 1:53 AM

Samantha.. I sympathize with your situation and wish you the best. However, my wife did not have such a devastating issue as cancer. She merely quit doing all the activities that I thought were common interests before we were married, and it caused her to gain weight. The weight gain then caused her to suffer body-image anxiety. And her way of coping with body-image anxiety was to avoid sex and all activities that sometimes previously led to sex, such as hot tubs, dancing, parties. She has shut down her social life as her way to cope with her weight gain, and has left me, her husband, out in the cold.

Juniper August 18, 2008, 5:57 PM

on your questionnaire you have
b) Only until the women reaches menopause????
FYI a lot of women enjoy sex more after menopause, and I notice you don’t say anything about impotence. Speaking of which you also mention ‘no physical incapacities’, What about mental or other health incapacities? Impotence can be a physical problem just as well a mental problem—the same for woman, more so in fact. It is a fact that sex involves more mental than physical for a female. Women’s bodies have a lot more hormone issues going on that affects things as well.
As for your wife, a person doesn’t avoid sex as a way TO DEAL WITH body-image anxiety, they avoid sex BECAUSE they have the anxiety. Also, she didn’t shut down her social life as her way of COPING with the weight gain, she did it BECAUSE of the weight. She isn’t avoiding hot tubs, dancing, and parties to avoid sex, they are SOCIAL things and she’s avoiding them because she’s embarrassed by her weight. For you to equate hot tubs, dancing and parties with sex is ridiculous! (I will give you the hot tub if it’s just the two of you.)
You and your wife need to seek counseling—her alone as she’s probably suffering from depression (and who knows maybe that’s why she stopped the activities and gained weight), and both of you together because you need to get a REAL understanding of what she is going through (it’ll also be a safe environment for you to vent your frustrations…)

RasTao August 20, 2008, 9:57 PM

all the women who wish their husband would spend more time/effort getting them in the mood should walk outside. now, turn around and look at the house you live in. go inside and look at the furniture, clothes in the closet, dishes, appliances etc. think of your husband at a job he hates, sticking to it because he committed to a lifetime of trying to make YOU comfortable.
eat SOME chocolate, take a bubble bath, put a smile on your face and forget about the note sent home with johnny from school until tomorrow morning.

greg August 21, 2008, 12:26 AM

If it’s a mental problem that prevents women from
giving their husbands a sex life, then why don’t women
acknowledge when they have this problem and get treatment
to cure it, instead of simply making it their husbands
problem to live in a loveless marriage. My wife is
content to go the rest of her life without sex, and
has therefore decided for me that I must do the same.
If she had made such a decision before we got married,
we would never have got married. That is a major
deal-breaker for me, and I feel like I am the victim
of a well-executed scam. If she were willing to give
me a sex life before marriage because she felt that
our relationship depended on it, which it did, then
after marriage she should still act like our relationship
depended on it, because when we become empty-nesters
it most likely will.

Juniper August 21, 2008, 9:46 AM

Greg are you listening at all? First of all, SEX DOES NOT EQUAL LOVE!!! And know one is forcing you to stay in a loveless marriage. Your argument doesn’t hold up. People do not know before hand if and when they will be ill. Your questionnaire is rubbish. I’m still perplexed why you say ‘no sex after menopause’ when many women’s libido rises after that. It cannot be predicted which will or won’t, just as we don’t know which men will end up with impotence. You also mention physical and verbal abuse as if that’s it. There is also mental/emotional abuse and neglect.
Have you not listened to any of the women on this board who say they truly are too physically and mentally exhausted for sex…or those who feel they aren’t the only ones to have ‘changed’ that their husbands act like an additional child in the family (raising kids is a 24/7 job)…or the ones whose husbands’ idea of forplay/getting her in the mood/turned-on is a slapped butt and grabbed boob (MAJOR TURN-OFF FOR MOST WOMEN)?
I am trying to help you here SO QUIT YOUR WHINING AND LISTEN UP—I don’t know you so I don’t know if your wife is feeling over worked and under appreciated…if you treat her as only MAID, SEX, HOME/CAREGIVER… or if she is depressed (few people with mental problems seek out care on their own), so here is what you do: the two of you go to marriage counseling (if she has depression a qualified person will be able to diagnose it). You need counseling to figure out whether the marriage can be save or not (and help in doing so)—that is if you want it to be, and no, the answer is not “it would be if she gave me sex”. And Greg, remember this, NO ONE stays the same throughout their life…you’re not the same person you were twenty years ago, or ten, or five…
And don’t tell me you can’t leave the marriage because of religious reasons or the kids—if ‘religious reasons’ you’d be trying to figure out what is wrong (again, no the answer isn’t ‘sex’), plus you’d already be getting counseling—if because of ‘the kids’, what are you teaching or benefiting your kids with, with all the animosity and whatever else is going on?
(You say you feel like a victim; I bet she thinks the same of herself.)

greg August 23, 2008, 1:49 AM

Sex does not equal love, here is what my own life observations have seen..
Women need to feel loved to have sex, and men need to have sex to feel loved.
It’s not the total picture since women also need to feel comfortable with their body
to have sex, or feel that there is something to gain from having sex, such as to kick-start to new
relationship or maintain one that is not yet legally binding, ie. before marriage.
Men have no problem with being overweight and still wanting to have a sex-life,
and men still want a sex-life after marriage.

a) Til death do us part.
b) Only until the women reaches menopause.
c) Only until the novelty of marriage wears off, say one to two years, and after that sex is only for making babies.
d) Only during the honeymoon, and after that sex is only for making babies.

The reasoning behind the a) b) c) d) answers has nothing to do with physical incapacities, since
as you mentioned, there are many women who still like sex after menopause.

Answers b) c) and d) are simply the most common outcomes of what wives really do after marriage.
These answers are about what a person is WILLING to do, not what they are physically able to do.

The b) c) d) answers are important because women need to know ahead of time that this is a common pattern
they do that makes marriage hell on earth for men. It’s all about their WILLINGNESS, not their physical ability.

I see commercials for medications that allow men who are WILLING but UNABLE to have sex
become men who are WILLING and ABLE to have sex.
Women need to find something that makes those who are ABLE but UNWILLING to have sex
become ABLE and WILLING to have sex. The problem for me is that my wife is UNWILLING to
have sex, but is also UNWILLING to admit there is a problem, and therefore UNWILLING to
seek any kind of counseling or treatment because to her it is not a problem, or at least
not her problem.

It is the WILLINGNESS that shows where your heart is at in a relationship, not your physical ability.

My wifes behavior followed answer c). I struggled for years trying to get her in the mood.
I finally gave up trying. There are NO religious reasons for my staying in a loveless marriage.
I stay because I want to live in the same house with my kids while they are growing up.
I take them to school each morning. I help them with homework each night. I don’t want some judge
telling me that I can only be with them every other weekend. They would never get to school on time.
My wife sleeps in every morning and is still asleep when I leave each morning with the kids.
She stays up very late every night watching TV.
I initially tried to stay up late with her but after midnight I just couldn’t stay awake, and I had trouble
staying alert at work. So, besides avoiding all the things I thought were common interests
we had before marriage, my wife doesn’t even go to bed until long after I am asleep. I am second
place in her life to the TV, and it’s been that way since the second year of our marriage.

Jill August 24, 2008, 2:17 AM

It’s just sex pretend he’s your ex and take one foe the team.

maggie August 26, 2008, 3:54 PM

i happen to love with my husband, I just love sex I have to have it. If your not into it maybe you should explore your sexuality, Try toys or porn. Do things to your husband you’ve never done before. Even try having sex with yourself. Roll play can be fun too. To the women who are mad at their husbands for not helping you around the house I have a question: are you helping with the bills?

What??? I week w/o sex?? NO THANKS> August 26, 2008, 6:10 PM

One reason your wife may not be having sex with you is you sound like a douche bag. Women can tell when you have a problem with them. Take her out for a nice dinner get a few drinks in her and hopefully she will put out. You seem to be unhappy with her and she is more than likely not happy with you. Sometimes marriages are not meant to last.
PS: not every woman wants to cut off sex. Sometimes men think that they are great in bed/ or in shower and the truth is it boring sex. A man gets to have his happy ending but what about woman. I enjoy sex but if it’s just going to led to a disappointment than why try?
If she’s not giving it to you she maybe giving to someone else besides herself

Judy August 26, 2008, 9:51 PM

If more couples were having great sex at home - less would be looking for it elsewhere. After 3 children in 5-years I was always too tired to have sex but lately my sex life’s gone through the roof.My husband and I have been doing The Sexy Workout from It’s a foreplay workout. You simply do it then have sex… it’s that easy - and incredible! As an added bonus we’re both getting in shape.

Bill August 27, 2008, 9:35 AM

My wife and I have been married 18 years and still going strong. Sex has ebbed and flowed over that time period mainly due to children(three 16,10, and 8 yrs old). Yes our bodies have changed, but we still enjoy sex with each other as often as we can. The “secret” is to flirt constantly with each other. Little pats,touches,kisses or naughty little words only the two of us hear. Then, when we have the chance, if its once a week or every day we are ready. Its knowing the desire is there. I find the longer we have been together the better the sex. I know exactly what she enjoys and likewise. Don’t give up, trust in God an each other.

go_navy September 2, 2008, 1:57 PM

my wife acts like sex is a chore. never initiates anything. nothing. its like doing it to a pillow. if we change positions. i have to tell her to. no blow jobs, nothing erotic, she never does any work. there is an excuse for everything. it hurts, my jaw hurts (after 10 seconds of bj) thats uncomfortable, i don’t know how (something simple like riding a certain way) sheesh… i get tired of it anf often fell like looking elsewhere.

Suzanne Eller September 3, 2008, 9:40 AM

I’ve been married for nearly 29 years, and I love being intimate with my husband, but its an effort we both make and its based on the love that I have for this amazing humang being I call my husband. Great topic, and one we evidently need to talk about more.

Rebecca September 5, 2008, 10:25 PM

I’m a medical student, mother of a 4 year old, and just recently got married. Sure I am busy, stressed, and tired much of the time, but sex (or more accurately, good/great sex) is a great pick me up— your body releases plenty of “de-stressing”/”be happy” chemicals during sex/orgasm. I know though that when you are mentally and physically tired, sometimes it’s hard to get in the mood. Well, here’s some food for thought, ladies: I was watching the movie “Cocoon” the other month & it reminded me that one of these days his or mine wont be working all that well anymore— So, we better take full advantage of it while we still can.

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