For tweens:  

 

1) Ask open ended questions without giving your opinion, just to gauge what they know.  Do they know anyone who diets? Do they think that being skinny is important? Do they know anyone who is too skinny? 

2) Don't panic. Weight, body image, self-esteem, bulimia, skinny ... these all become really loaded words once kids enter junior high. Remember -- if you are nervous about having this conversation with your kids, they will pick up on it. Take a deep breath and try to remain calm.

 

3) Learn together. 7- to 11-year-olds do want to believe what you say, but they tend to tune out a lot. When your child asks you a question about what is "too skinny" or "how the actresses look on TV," say you do not know and go find the answer together -- go to the library or look online. This gives the child ownership of the information and they will feel it is more real. 

1) Avoid anything defensive or offensive. No matter how you decide to have this conversation, make sure they realize you are not accusing, blaming them, or assuming something about them or their beliefs. When you ask questions, be as neutral as possible to give them the opportunity to open up. 

 

2) Show vulnerability. Unlike younger kids, teens really appreciate your vulnerability around this subject. I will often say things to my clients like: "This is kind of an awkward conversation because I am not sure how you will answer," or "I am not sure how to phrase this so it does not sound judgmental or offensive."  

3) Ask permission. When you ask teens' permission to ask a question before you ask it, they almost always say yes. As a result, they won't begrudge your advice. For example, you might say: "Wow, that girl looks a little sick -- do you mind if I tell you what I think of that, or will that make you feel weird?" Or you could say: "So your friend is not eating as much ... can I give you some advice or do you want to work on this yourself?" This shows you respect your teen's boundaries and that you are just trying to be honest with them. 

If your daughter wants to be as skinny as these celebs:

1) Look for real world examples. Instead of bringing up this issue randomly at dinner or in the car, talk about it during a commercial break during the show or when you are flipping through a magazine together. This way, you will be able to get their thoughts right when they are being exposed to these images and they'll be less likely to feel like you planned an attack on them.

2) Try to find an older teen or twentysomething to talk to your daughter. I remember these "mentors" of mine so well ... my dance teacher, a babysitter, my cousin. I looked up to them and thought they were so cool, so when they said that eating disorders and super skinny girls were not cool, I listened much more than when my parents talked to me. 

3) Ask them to help others with eating disorders. This might seem a little extreme, but I know it worked with one of my clients. She was constantly dieting and wanting to be skinny so we took her to an eating disorder clinic to volunteer to hang out and talk to the girls there. She was able to see that it was dangerous, not cool, and more than a bit scary. This is a great way of giving them perspective without being preachy.

If you suspect your teen has an eating disorder, seek professional help.