I Chose My Hair Over My Crying Baby

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I Chose My Hair Over My Crying Baby

Friday, October 10, 2008

filed under: family

Guest blogger Gina: I was running late and had to finish getting ready, but my baby wanted my attention. I chose to finish my hair.

Every weekday when I get ready for work, I spend time with my one-year-old. She keeps me company as I get dressed, do my hair, make my coffee, check my email, etc. I talk to her the whole time and try to include her as much as possible. She's young, but we have a little system that seems to work.

Yesterday I was running late, my husband had already left and the nanny hadn't arrived yet. I still had about three minutes of blowdrying left to do. My baby started fussing -- she wanted me to pick her up. The clock was ticking and I knew the nanny would be there any minute, so I went ahead and finished my hair.

The baby walked out of the room and met the nanny at the door about a minute later. When she found my daughter there fussing the nanny said, "Nobody is paying attention to you?" and picked her up. I was in the next room and heard the exchange. She was right. I wasn't paying attention to her.

The question is, do I have to give my child attention every time she wants it? Part of me, of course, would love to. Part of me knows that in reality that's impossible to always achieve. And part of me wonders if catering to her every need instantaneously is the best thing for her in the long run anyway.

I am suffering from a great deal of mom guilt about the whole ordeal. I'm thinking that next time I may just wait the extra five minutes for the nanny to arrive and risk being late for work. But what if the five minutes turns into a half hour? It won't be good for my child if I lose my job, so we'll see.

80 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

If you cater to everything your baby wants it will only get worse as they get older. They need to understand that there are times where they need to entertain themselves. You are not a bad mom. I babysit a little boy who’s mom likes to hold him alot…he’s able to crawl and sit up by himself but he wants to be held too much. As long as you’re not ignoring your child when they truely need you (if they are hurt or in danger) then there’s no need to worry.

- Hollie

Posted 10/10/08 07:44 AM

It is not going to hurt the baby to fuss for a few minutes. I have learned that the hard way. I have a 16 month old that I stay at home with and since she was born I have run to her every time she whimpered. Now she can’t even be in a different room as me. When I cook she thinks she has to stand in between my legs and whimper. She could be playing with her big brother or her daddy, but no, when I have something to do she starts to fuss. Bottom line is: If there is nothing wrong other than they want your attention, let them fuss for a few minutes. THey will get over it pretty quick.

- ashley

Posted 10/10/08 07:49 AM

I agree with the other comments. I’m pretty much in the same boat as you in terms of a morning routine. And yes, there are days when my one-year-old begs for my attention, but I have to get ready. I try as best I can to distract her with toys and books. I even let her play with my hair brush. I think it’s important for a child to learn independence, and that means that sometimes she will have to entertain herself. It helps me to get over my mom guilt to think that I’m teaching my daughter how to be independant, not ignoring her. Of course, part of my daughter’s crying is just your basic toddler tantrum. Slowly she’s learning that a tantrum is not the best way to get my attention.

- Kate

Posted 10/10/08 08:36 AM

It’s just part of growing up…to learn patience. And if a minute or 2 of not paying your child all the attention they want is making you feel guilty then consider yourself a good mom. It’s not like you’re completely ignoring her if you are interacting with her while you complete some tasks. You don’t want to be at your child’s every beckon call, that is one habit that is hard to break. To raise a happy, independent child should make you feel you’ve done your best!

- Anonymous

Posted 10/10/08 09:04 AM

U weren’t doing anything wrong…u were getting ready for work.its not worth losing ur job over.

- Anonymous

Posted 10/10/08 09:45 AM

Sometimes, they just have to wait. The other commenters are right… you don’t want to create a monster by jumping on her every whim. And if she’s an only child, it’s even more important to teach her the world’s not all about her at all times.

- JMM

Posted 10/10/08 11:26 AM

I agree with everyone else. I don’t think you did anything wrong.

- Anonymous

Posted 10/10/08 11:46 AM

Oh please. I usually say to my child, “Oh you are fine. You are just going to have to wait for Momma!” Things like this will teach patience, not foster insecurity! Work that hair, momma!

- Renee

Posted 10/10/08 12:04 PM

Personally, I think it depends. Infants don’t need to and are not capable of learning patience and should be attended to asap. Older toddlers, imo, are capable of dealing with a few minutes of frustration. Although I think there are creative ways of attending to them while continuing to do necessary things like getting ready for work.

- tara

Posted 10/10/08 12:30 PM

Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I would have put the kid in front of the TV so I could finish what I was doing. I used to do it when DD was small. There isn’t a mother alive who hasn’t used a TV, video or something else to occupy their child so they could get something done.

- Anonymous

Posted 10/10/08 12:45 PM

Since your daughter knows your routine, did it ever occur to you that she might have just wanted a few minutes of your undivided attention before you leave her for the whole day? You say that you ‘spend time with her’ as you get ready. What is she doing while you are busy all morning? Probably just sitting there. She may as well be a piece of furniture for as much as you are actually paying attention. Maybe you should consider getting ready before she gets up in the morning so that when she gets up you can have quality time with her. Just because two people are in the same room doesn’t mean that they are truly spending time ‘together’. Your daughter is one today, but before you know it she will be all grown up and you’ll wonder where your baby went. Or maybe you’ll just be happy that you can blow dry your hair in peace.

- Anonymous

Posted 10/10/08 01:04 PM

Ok, you’re worried that you aren’t giving your daughter enough attention. Likely very true. You have a NANNY. Quit being so selfish and tend to your child.

- sara

Posted 10/10/08 01:22 PM

Listen, the fact that you are worrying over this episode so much demonstrates what a caring and attentive mother you are. Tune out the guilt. It’s a waste of energy. Better to use that energy enjoying time with your daughter when you’re home from work!

- cassandra

Posted 10/10/08 01:35 PM

I’m left wondering why women like you have children. Since you’ve got one, and since you asked for feedback, here’s what I suggest. 1. Get a wig. 2. Quit your job. 3. Fire the substitute mommy. 4. Raise your child. 5. Rinse and repeat, as it were.

- Florencia

Posted 10/10/08 02:15 PM

Florencia, Maybe she needs a job to feed her kid. Maybe everyone isn’t able to stay at home with their child.

- Anonymous

Posted 10/10/08 02:20 PM

In response to Sara’s arrogant and ignorant posting.. First of all.. a nanny to give personal attention to a child while the parents work is far preferable to a child care center. Today, society is structured as such to all but require both parents work outside of the home in order to maintain a comfortable lifestyle for the family. As long as you balance work and family and make sure your children know they are loved - I don’t see the problem. As a single parent, my son is equally a momma’s boy and yet very capable of entertaining himself. That’s how things are around here and I’m convinced it will prepare him for the real world, which will not cater to his every desire. We have our mornings, evenings and all weekend to spend time together - but he understands there are things mommy has to do to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. I believe that’s anything BUT selfish.

- emily

Posted 10/10/08 02:23 PM

You mention that you are feeling guilty about prioritizing your hair over your baby. Well, guilty is an appropriate response to unethical behavior. Guilt, far from the “bad” emotion that bleeding heart mums make it out to be, is super helpful! It lets you know that you need to change course and choose differently. So, change course and choose differently! Best of luck.

- Tali

Posted 10/10/08 02:27 PM

I am glad I don’t have kids!

- Anonymous

Posted 10/10/08 02:35 PM

It’s good idea not to tend to your child’s every single cry. My husband and I taught our daughter how to self sooth and it work out prefect. She keeps her self entertained. We both give her the attention she’s and wants but we all know we have other things to do around the house that keeps us from holding our kids 24/7. My sister and a friend of mine both run to their kids every time they cry or want to be held. And when I do babysit for them I can’t ever walk 5ft way from them without them crying. Both of them don’t even know how to entertain themselves with the toys around them. So don’t worry what others think do what you feel is best for you. Mom’s have it hard to begin with.

- Katie

Posted 10/10/08 02:43 PM

Maybe a reason so many children are self-centered & carry on as if the world revolves around them is because so many parents think that they must pick their children up at the first whimper. If this is a routine thing, where the child is always ignored then there would be a problem—I don’t think having your child wait to be picked up for a few minutes will permanently scar her.

- Anonymous

Posted 10/10/08 04:49 PM