I Chose My Hair Over My Crying Baby

I Chose My Hair Over My Crying Baby

Friday, October 10, 2008

filed under: family

Guest blogger Gina: I was running late and had to finish getting ready, but my baby wanted my attention. I chose to finish my hair.

Every weekday when I get ready for work, I spend time with my one-year-old. She keeps me company as I get dressed, do my hair, make my coffee, check my email, etc. I talk to her the whole time and try to include her as much as possible. She's young, but we have a little system that seems to work.

Yesterday I was running late, my husband had already left and the nanny hadn't arrived yet. I still had about three minutes of blowdrying left to do. My baby started fussing -- she wanted me to pick her up. The clock was ticking and I knew the nanny would be there any minute, so I went ahead and finished my hair.

The baby walked out of the room and met the nanny at the door about a minute later. When she found my daughter there fussing the nanny said, "Nobody is paying attention to you?" and picked her up. I was in the next room and heard the exchange. She was right. I wasn't paying attention to her.

The question is, do I have to give my child attention every time she wants it? Part of me, of course, would love to. Part of me knows that in reality that's impossible to always achieve. And part of me wonders if catering to her every need instantaneously is the best thing for her in the long run anyway.

I am suffering from a great deal of mom guilt about the whole ordeal. I'm thinking that next time I may just wait the extra five minutes for the nanny to arrive and risk being late for work. But what if the five minutes turns into a half hour? It won't be good for my child if I lose my job, so we'll see.

80 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

I am less worried about the fact that you didn’t tend to your daughter for a few minutes because your were busy & more worried about the fact that your 1 year old got out of the room and greeted your nanny at the door. I think that anything can happen while your tending to other things and your baby is walking around unattended. Why don’t you close the door or place her in a high chair or a playpen? There is nothing wrong with doing other things you need to do as long as you are careful, you are worrying about the wrong thing. Be responsible. Also, I hope your nanny was able to get in because she has a key and unlocked the door.

- Anonymous

Posted 10/10/08 09:49 PM

a few minutes of crying? hardly the end of the world. if i picked my baby up instantly everytime she cried i wouldn’t be able to go to the bathroom! literally billions of babies have survived crying for a few minutes. as for guilt being a sign that you should change your behavior (glad my mom wasn’t like you, Tali- i’d never be able to do anything for myself), it can also be a sign of not having any support, of being the one who takes care of everybody else- a role we women/moms too often fall into. finish your hair, then hug your baby, then put on some lipstick and feel pretty- it makes for happier momhood which makes for happier babies.

- Jen

Posted 10/10/08 09:56 PM

Sorry…I had to post again. It’s one thing to attend to something important like getting ready for work or fixing a meal for a minute or two, but purposefully ignoring a child to teach them a lesson is wrong. Babies cry to be held because BEING HELD IS A NEED, just like food and water. Children who are not held enough in infancy in developing countries actually die from lack of attention. Being held and in contact with a human being promotes brain development. Preemies who experience kangaroo care have brain development patterns much more advanced than those who don’t. Personally, I think that TRUE independence cannot be taught, it is a natural consequence of secure attachment.

- Tara

Posted 10/10/08 09:59 PM

Tara babies do not die from lack of attention. In developing countries babies are dying because of lack food, illnesses, and no medical attention.

- Myra

Posted 10/11/08 01:49 AM

As a teacher, I deal with children everyday who wish to entertained and catered to all day. They disrupt the entire class, think they are above the rules, and most make very poor grades even though they are smart. Of course, it’s always the teacher’s or the other students’ faults when their children have to pay a consequence for their behavior. Parents like Sara and Florencia are the ones who produce these types of children. Instead of letting their children learn that there are things in life that sometimes MUST come before them and that crying and whining is not acceptable, they allow them to rule their homes with their wants. So many of these children are being set up for a life of failure; they think everything is about them. I always wonder what’s going to happen to them when they’re adults, and the parents aren’t around to smooth the way for them. It’s really scary to see that many of the children in our society are of the “all about me” mindset; our future leaders are a worry for those of us who deal with them daily.

- Anonymous

Posted 10/11/08 08:02 AM

If you can afford a nanny couldnt you afford to stay home and raise the child yourself?? I gave up my Teaching career to care for my own children. It is a huge sacrifice. Not as many dinners out, and no new wardrobe, no fancy electronics, but the payment in smiles hugs, and being there to care for my kids when they need me has far outweighed and monetary gain. Children only stay little for a very very short time. If you are feeling guilt, then maybe you should re evaluate your decision about working. I did answer my children each and every time they cried. They didnt walk until 15 and 16 months old because they were held as much as they wanted. They are teenagers now.They walk just fine now! They are well adjusted, popular, self confident, and higly intelligent people. I dont regret my decision. I have NO “mommy guilt”. If you figure out every expense of working, childcare, wardrobe, transportation, food away from home, it is amazing how little money is actually left. We all do what we have to do. Being a mom is a huge responsibility. You have to follow your own heart, and do what is best for your self, your children, and your family.

- Anonymous

Posted 10/11/08 11:00 AM

Wait a minute, you said your one year old child walked to the door and met the nanny. This is strange don’t you think.

- brenda

Posted 10/11/08 12:36 PM

I was a stay at home mom and now a single mom. I taught my dautghter to self sooth when she was a baby thank god because now that I am a single mom she not only entertains herself when nessasry but also has leaned to value having some alone time. Those people that think it is wrong to teach self soothing or that children should be attended every second are wrong in my opinion. I feel that teaching it teaches children the value and gives them the ability to work and play together or alone. Wich is a valuble life skill.

- Anonymous

Posted 10/11/08 05:44 PM

You worthless wench, please take care of your child before some child molester does

- Anonymous

Posted 10/11/08 09:09 PM

i dont think you did anything wrong personally you cant have that 100% attention all the time the child will become spoiled. You will regret it later on by stopping and not doing the things you need to get done. you dont want a spoiled brat do you.

- Stacy

Posted 10/11/08 09:43 PM

and to anonymous she is not a worthless wench i think you need some therapy personally it was three minutes how about you go and pray sometime you seem like you need Jesus for that comment

- Stacy

Posted 10/11/08 09:45 PM

And part of me wonders if catering to her every need instantaneously is the best thing for her in the long run anyway.))))) Well, you are catering to all your OWN needs. Is that best for you? I assume it is. ALl the people saying kids need to entertain themselves, cry it out, etc, is laughable. Not at this age. You had no idea what was wrong and didn’t bother to check either. It does not require losing a job over. Does your job depend on “perfect” hair? I’m sure it would finish drying by the time you got there without you spending every minute of your time primping. Get a maore manageable hairstyle. Since she’s with a nanny the majority of the time if you work full time, I would think it would be more important to spend the few extra minutes with her.

- tami

Posted 10/11/08 11:10 PM

To Anonymous, yes, I’m also glad you don’t have children!! Some of you other posters are rude! Unless you have walked in the author’s shoes, you have no right to judge her situation. Don’t call her a worthless wench, she is just a normal mother! Btw, I am the mother of two adult children!!

- d.

Posted 10/12/08 12:11 AM

You have my whole-hearted support. I am a stay-at-home mom who is extremely hand on; however, there has to be a point where you ‘just do it’, be that a shower, a phone call, whatever. Otherwise, you won’t be able to cope.

- MommaTN

Posted 10/12/08 02:03 AM

oh man, i thought i worried to much about everything, but geez, common, 5 mins to finish getting ready and ecpesially for work is rediculous!!, as long as you can see the baby and she can see you then there is absolutly nothing to worry about! you should be more worried about losing your job because your always late getting there because your to worried your not paying attention to your baby for 5 minutes.

- pamela

Posted 10/12/08 02:04 PM

I APPLAUD YOU! PLEASE ignore the negative comments from the Helicopter mothers. Your daughter will grow up more independant and more confident than the children of the over doting mother. CONGRATS on taking the first step in raising a strong, self-sufficent woman.

- Cryssy

Posted 10/13/08 12:33 AM

I’d only add that when you’re able to stand back and see the whole picture … in say, twenty years or so you’ll wish you’d taken every opportunity to hold and love on that little one. Just saying

- Kyllo

Posted 10/13/08 12:57 AM

You did the right thing. Three or four minutes of fussing is no big deal. and all the commentors who say otherwise are full of baloney. Quit hatin’ ladies. The meaness heard in your response makes me wonder what kind of mom YOU are. I’m sure you are quite the example of compassion and love for your children!

- jeno

Posted 10/13/08 06:33 AM

When my boys were little, I was the only person they had on a daily basis. They are only 14 months apart. There were numerous times I had to “make” them entertain themselves so that I could get something accomplished. That does not make me a bad mother, nor does it say I ignored my children endlessly. Both of my boys are grown, in college, made AWESOME grades in school, never got into trouble, have never done drugs, have stable relationships with girlfriends, etc….. So Gina, no you haven’t scarred your daughter for life, and she will be just fine. They have to learn (and from an early age I might add) that sometimes, they are all they have. No one is constantly going to come running to their every whimper. You are there for her when it matters most and that is what counts.

- Julia Collins

Posted 10/13/08 07:39 AM

More than once I’ve chose to do a task over picking up a fussing child. You can’t do everything at once and children need to learn to be patient.

- Alexia

Posted 10/13/08 08:14 AM