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12 Things My Baby Would Do if He Were President

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Guest blogger Paul Starke: With the election only days away, we've been watching a lot of cable news in our house lately. Luke, who's only six months old, loves it. He's immediately soothed by Barack Obama's dulcet tones, yet always starts crying/vomiting whenever John McCain does those gnarled and creepy "air quotes." Needless to say, I think Luke may have a future in politics. This got me thinking-- could a six-month old baby somehow become President of the United States? He couldn't do worse than the current administration... anyhow, here are the "12 Things My Baby Would Do if He Were President"...

Baby behind the podium

1 - Lift the ban on offshore drooling - "Drool, baby, drool!" (This seemed funnier to me before I started typing it).

2 - Appoint Elmo as Secretary of State - He'll melt the hearts of even the cruelest dictators.

3 - Mandatory three-hour naps each day. He'd continue George Bush's policy.

4 - Put lipstick on a pig - and the carpet... the walls... our cat...

5 - Send the Teletubbies to Guantanamo Bay - Luke seems to think they were behind the SARS outbreak; Let's waterboard Laa Laa and find out.

6 - New national anthem: "Row Row Row Your Boat" - I, for one, think ballgames would be much more enjoyable if this were performed before the first pitch.

7 - You'll be able to pay your taxes with dirty diapers - Actually, my crazy Uncle Derek, a drifter, already does this. Which is especially weird since he has no children.

8 - Fill the oval office with thousands of rubber balls - The more of these I write, the more I see a screenplay for a straight-to-DVD movie -- "Baby in Chief".

9 - Get out of Iraq and hunt down Bin Laden - Who says babies can't have an aggressive foreign policy.

10 - Make every weekend a four-day weekend - Actually, that's what I'd do as President.

11 - Ask Sarah Palin to host her own kids show - She already talks as if she's on Romper Room: "I see Joe the Plumber... Tito the Builder..."

12 - Rename "Air Force One," "Air Force Fun" - And the plane would actually be a souped-up Bugaboo.

I'm Luke's dad, and I approved this message.

Paul StarkePaul Starke is an Emmy-winning TV producer, and a co-writer of the #1 New York Times bestseller, An Inconvenient Book.

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