twitter facebook stumble upon rss

His Drinking is Turning Me Off

sign up for the momlogic newsletter Tweet This

We are at odds over his drinking, and I don't know what to do.

woman thinking about her boyfriend drinking what do i do

Guestblogger lovehimorleavehim: My soon-to-be husband likes to drink ... a lot, and it's really starting to affect me. I am worried about how it will affect our future, and whether or not I can accept the way he is. The more I think about it, the more I become clear of how much of a deal breaker it is for me. I grew up in a household with lots of drinking, and I don't want to repeat that situation. Now, don't get me wrong, he isn't the town drunk, but when he drinks it's excessive. I can't have a conversation with him, he definitely cannot drive, and, well, he tells me things he doesn't remember the next day (even nice things...they lose meaning after a while). I have become the alcohol police: I worry about him when he is out at night, I cringe when we go out to dinner with friends and as a result I end up not having any fun. The problem, is that he doesn't think he has a problem, he thinks I am exaggerating. My question is this: Why does someone need to get DRUNK? Why not just have a few drinks and call it a day? I am losing respect, and more than that, I am getting turned off by his behavior. What do I do? Is it fair to ask him to curb it or is he going to resent me? How do I even begin to talk to him when we are on such separate pages? I talked to two different therapists for help ... and this is what they had to say:

1. Momlogic's Shannon Fox says "being with someone who cares more about the relationship than the alcohol is crucial." Sit him down, and tell him his drinking hurts you, and ask him to stop. His reaction alone is a good gauge as to where he stands.

2. Family and marriage therapist Dr. Jane Greer says "avoid pointing the finger. When you talk to him, make it about 'us or we,' not 'you.' For example, instead of saying 'I think you have an alcohol problem,' say 'The drinking is creating a problem in our relationship, what should we do?'"

3. Don't become the "mom" (aka alcohol police). Make an agreement that if he drinks too much and you are both out, that you will head home alone. You have to take care of you!

4. Saying "the drinking is spilling onto our relationship, and I am starting to get turned off," allows him the decision on how to proceed without you telling him what to do. No one wants to be told they are a turn-off.

5. If your partner has been drinking, do not bring it up while he is drunk. It will only lead to combustion, says Dr. Greer. Nine times out of ten, it will create more conflict.

Though this problem seems bigger than the sky, I can only start with talking to him. I know now to stay calm and share my feelings. The rest ... is up to him.

Dr. Jane Greer is a family/marriage therapist and lives in NYC. She's on call at healthylife.net


next: Great Idea: Costume Swap
12 comments so far | Post a comment now
ashley October 24, 2008, 7:21 AM

Basing it on my own personal situation, you do not need to get married until the problem has been resolved. I married my husband knowing he had a problem. It was a major issue that almost ended our marriage several times. Now we have been married 6 1/2 years and I can say that the past year has been the best because he is now sober. But those first five were very rocky and at times I was miserable. I am glad I stuck through it, but you don’t need to go through that. It is a long, long miserable and lonely road when your married to an addict. Best of luck to you!!

jackie October 24, 2008, 10:42 AM

I would say see if he does get better and then proceed. Some men just need to be whipped into shape, and scared they’re going to lose you. it sounds like you are willing to walk away from the relationship and that is good! That means you are not dependent. He needs to shape up or ship out!

chris October 24, 2008, 3:58 PM

I agree with Ashley. My husband drank alot before we got married and I also grew up with a father who drank too much and I let my husband know before we got married that I loved him but I was unwilling to marry him and have a family with him if he couldn’t control his drinking because I know first hand the effects that it has on the whole family. He also like your husband got really drunk (couldn’t seem to only drink “socially”) and it got to the point that I hated going out with friends or family with him. It was really hard for a long time. He agreed to slow down and we did get married and now have a family. I can’t say that he’s always good boy (maybe a 2 or 3 times a year he may over drink and only at home) but he’s a hella lot better than he was and my kids (14 and 11) will not grow up knowing what it like to have an alcohalic parent like I did. If he is not willing to slow out or stop, please think very carefully about marrying him because it’s a hard hard life.

DeAnna November 22, 2008, 8:37 PM

I’m in the same situation as you are. Honestly, my only advice is go to couples counselling. Don’t say that you want to do it because of his drinking. But if you can convince him to go, the drinking situation will come up and get solved. And he will listen to the counselor a lot better than just you at home.

No_limits22 October 22, 2009, 2:05 PM

President Obama has decided that the way to sell you on Nationalized Health Care is with a logo. ,

SpenceSelma26 October 14, 2010, 4:11 PM

Have no money to buy a house? Worry no more, just because it is achievable to receive the loans to resolve such kind of problems. Thence get a small business loan to buy everything you require.

ClaySara28 January 19, 2011, 5:18 AM

When you ask: ” write my essay “, you can be assured that your academic career is OK.

BriannaPATRICK January 19, 2011, 5:25 AM

Thanks for the information just about this post and buy essay about that at good writing services.

SallyCline25 January 26, 2011, 2:50 AM

College students should know that the best buy research papers service can help to get a success, composing the high quality persuasive term paper. Hence, it is your own selection to buy an essay uk or to waste several days just for papers creation!

Rush30CLEO January 27, 2011, 9:46 PM

At present time, there’re not a lot of university students, which compose essay term papers themselves, simply because it is easier to utilize the buy essay online service.

Treena Negroni February 28, 2011, 12:19 PM

When I foremost saw your web, I’ve been around in numerous pages that I’ll use to get my inalterable conclusion. I googling with my parcel idea in my wit, and then I met with useable article. I you can devote several advices to me, because your knowledge is majuscule, it can service numerous students to get eager fact in every extend or impel. If you don’t intellect, I module lense you to eliminate tangency word for my program. I indite my squabby interpret for you to springiness funding for your situation; my friends had used your article as denotation in circumstantial quantity and statement. After that, my friends are with your article (I’ve bestowed extension to record some pages in your ). We can act else communicating after, because it testament be to me. Thanks in front, plan you striking me, so we can broaden our noesis together.

Song Decaire March 23, 2011, 2:33 AM

I’m truly impressed with your work skills and also with the layout on your weblog. Is this a compensable strain or did you qualify it yourself? Anyway sustenance up the precise lineament oeuvre, it is rare to see a large diary suchlike this one these life..


Leave a reply:



(not displayed)

     




Avoid clicking "Post" more than once
Back to top >>
advertisement