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I Hate Being a Newlywed

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Guest Blogger JustMarried: OK ... I admit it. I was really looking forward to getting married. I was the last of my friends to tie the knot, and the whole single/always getting set up at the dinner party thing was wearing on me. I had dreams of those lazy Sundays with my husband, getting coffee and doing the NY Times crossword together. I knew marriage would be work, I was just totally clueless as to how much.

sad newlywed thinking about her wedding

I've been married for six months ... and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. My honeymoon was two weeks, but the "honeymoon period" lasted about four days. Everyone asks me how married life is, and I want to scream "It's HARD!!" and, at times, I hate it. Don't get me wrong, my husband is the love of my life, but I don't think I really thought about how marriage would change us.

We lived together before we were engaged, so we'd been there, done that with the whole playing house bit. I was fine with his personal habits (minus a few bodily functions here and there and that grody t-shirt he insists on wearing every weekend), but my issues are now with HIM and WHO he is. Yikes.

I don't like that my identity is now completely tied now to my husband in ways it never was before -- even when we were dating. If I wanted to go out for dinner, I went out for dinner. I'm a very social person, and now I have to be sensitive to his schedule and his needs. I know it sounds selfish, but I wish he was more like he was when we were dating. He was fun and spontaneous. He'd be up for anything, a party, a double date, etc, because he wanted my attention, wanted to make a good impression. We would fly off to Vegas at a moment's notice. We don't do that any more, because, at least according to him, that's not what responsible marrieds do. His priority is our down time, our "together" time, and I feel like our social life has been affected -- and not in a good way. For instance -- I LOVE his family, but given the choice, I'd rather go to a fancy dinner. Now that we're married, if I hesitate about seeing his family, he acts like it's a reflection on HIM. When we were dating, he didn't seem to care that much.

And the fights. When we were dating, they were epic. I said everything and anything -- even the mean stuff. Now, I feel like a bad wife if I get really angry. I find myself biting my tongue, when before during our courtship I would have let him have it -- saying things I regretted later. Now, since he's my HUSBAND, I don't say what I really feel because I feel like if I did, we'd be on the path to divorce. And, quite honestly, I resent that I can't be brutally honest.

I know one never knows what goes on behind closed doors, but my other married girlfriends seem to be rolling along with marriages, happy as can be, while I'm constantly struggling.

I love my husband, I just don't like him very much right now. And that scares me.

Does it get better?

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48 comments so far | Post a comment now
foxymama October 16, 2008, 2:57 PM

Hang in there. Marriage is like all things in life…an uphill battle. It’s not without reward’s a wonderful thing. Do tell him what you think though…be honest, raise you voice if necessary. Don’t be afraid to tell it like it is. I must agree though…as far as the spending time with fmaily thing is concerned…you are right on. My hubbie takes it as a total diss now if I object for any reason to seeing or talking to his folks.

Anonymous October 16, 2008, 3:04 PM

Some women are more concerned with the wedding and not the actual marriage.

Moms Rock October 16, 2008, 3:12 PM

Wow. This is SO refreshingly honest. That’s why I come to ml, people here say the things me and my friends are really thinking, but scared to say because we might be judged.

IJCP October 16, 2008, 4:54 PM

It does get better…I think most people forget that marriage is the ultimate friendship…would you stop being honest with your best friend? Of course not!

It’s not about changing who you both are…that’s why you fell in love in the first place. :)

It’s about learning new ways to express the same, normal feelings you had before—only this time within the context of marriage.

Be real and don’t ever stop communicating—because when you STOP talking…that’s when you’ll have real problems.

Good luck!

Hannah October 16, 2008, 4:56 PM

I feel the same way. I have been married for 5 1/2 months now and its no fun and i feel like our relationship is headed for disaster. I love him with all of my heart though, its just REALLy hard

Anonymous October 16, 2008, 5:21 PM

Don’t have kids. It gets MUCH harder.

Anonymous October 16, 2008, 6:14 PM

I think he is in “provider” mode. He needs to lighten up a little and realize that just because he’s married doesn’t mean you all can never have fun anymore (or that he doesn’t have to romance you now and then).

Anonymous October 16, 2008, 6:27 PM

If no one else will break it to you, I will. I doesn’t get easier. People just grow up and it sounds like you should too.

If you want to go back to dating, then maybe you should do yourself (and him) a favor and do that.

I wish you the best of luck.

Jodi October 16, 2008, 6:44 PM

I’m married 13 years and we lived together for a few before that. It doesn’t get easier, but if you have a good relationship it gets sweeter in its own ways. I’ve often thought I should have bailed out before having my children, who are incredible kids but place a huge burden on an already strained marriage. For many reasons, financial and otherwise, we’re stuck together now. Sound romantic? It’s not. Don’t get pregnant until you’re reasonably sure you’ll be happy in the long-term; and for heaven’s sake, don’t have a child because your marriage is boring or in danger of failing. Things CAN get worse!!

Jen October 16, 2008, 6:45 PM

Girl… take a deep breath. It’s been SIX MONTHS - and you’re just figuring it out. It’s hard, it sucks, but it’s the best thing you’ll ever do. It’s not always going to be fun — so maybe temper your expectations. I agree he’s in provider mode- and just wants to make you happy.

Anonymous October 16, 2008, 7:17 PM

It’s just an adjustment period-the first year is ALWAYS the hardest. You two will once again find a rhythm and start having fun again-then you’ll get bored again-it’s a roller coaster-just enjoy the ride and go with the flow my friend.

Anonymous October 16, 2008, 8:21 PM

Everyone says marriage is work and the 1st year is the hardest but I disagree. If it is that much work and effort then that is a signal something is wrong.

Mark October 16, 2008, 8:43 PM

I disagree that the first year is the hardest, although this could depend on the couple. In my experience the early years were the easiest, but once we had kids the stress level rose. So yes, it can get harder. I wouldn’t recommend kids if you continue to feel this way.

Liza October 16, 2008, 8:45 PM

I’ve been married for 6 months now and for some reason can’t relate. Since we’ve been married we’ve had a stronger bond and to be honest with you, we’ve been more honest to each other. I’m not sure why you even have the word “Divorce” in your vocabulary, but the fact that I know my husband and I are in this FOR GOOD makes it easier for me to tell him how I feel. To be honest, life has changed since getting married… we don’t go out “partying” as much but I signed up for that when I spoke my vows. Doing all that is being single, being married is about having a life partner. Did you get married for the right reasons and because you were planning on being with your husband for the rest of your life who obviously is trying to set a foundation for his new family? Or did you get married because all your friends are married and you just thought it should happen? Try a church couples group…I know it sounds kind of lame, but you honestly realize that most troubles you might be having are normal. My husband and I aren’t in a perfect relationship, we do have our moments where we irritate each other, but we don’t resent each other and usually end up understanding each other better in the end.

Kelley October 16, 2008, 8:53 PM

Three words: Pick your battles.

Ask yourself, “Does this really matter?”

Amber October 16, 2008, 8:53 PM

It does get better - my first year was SOOO hard - I was in my last year of undergraduate school, he was in his first year of law school! But, after two and a half years, it really has gotten MUCH better and “easier”. We have learned SO much more about each other - my hubby also used to kinda take his family’s side over mine, but his view on that has changed in the past year. Anyway - it gets easier! Just remember (like someone else posted) you’ve got to always COMMUNICATE!!!! :o)

brown October 16, 2008, 10:36 PM

I’ve always compared marriage to a small business… most fail within the first 5 years. I’ve been married for 11 years, and without a doubt, the first year was the hardest and the next four taught me everything I needed to know for success. If you are truly committed to your marriage (“business”), and are willing to accept that you will have hardships and setbacks that will ultimately teach you, marriage gets better and better. It’s true for most people. And by the way, don’t believe that all your girlfriends are just rolling along, happy as can be…

Jamie October 17, 2008, 1:13 AM

I’m sorry, but it’s marriage! of course it’s going to be hard. Commitments in general is hard. Love would be worth nothing if we didn’t have to struggle.

Tracy October 17, 2008, 7:42 AM

If you think marriage is bad just wait until you have kids. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids dearly but you never get alone time with your husband. Let alone get to do anything for yourself!

Kelly October 17, 2008, 9:06 AM

Marriage is HARD work. You have a partner where once you made all the decisions. It’s perfectly ok to continue going out, and being spontaneous, but now you have to let someone know what is going on and what you are up to.
The comment on kids is right on though, If you think having a partner in life is difficult, kids are 10 times the work, with sometimes seemingly no reward. Don’t add them to the mix until you can get over the trapped feeling you now have.

BTW: I have been married 24 years, and understand that it was work. We do love each other, and can’t see ourselves without the other, but it was and is work to keep everything going smoothly.

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