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I Hate Being a Newlywed

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Guest Blogger JustMarried: OK ... I admit it. I was really looking forward to getting married. I was the last of my friends to tie the knot, and the whole single/always getting set up at the dinner party thing was wearing on me. I had dreams of those lazy Sundays with my husband, getting coffee and doing the NY Times crossword together. I knew marriage would be work, I was just totally clueless as to how much.

sad newlywed thinking about her wedding

I've been married for six months ... and it's the hardest thing I've ever done. My honeymoon was two weeks, but the "honeymoon period" lasted about four days. Everyone asks me how married life is, and I want to scream "It's HARD!!" and, at times, I hate it. Don't get me wrong, my husband is the love of my life, but I don't think I really thought about how marriage would change us.

We lived together before we were engaged, so we'd been there, done that with the whole playing house bit. I was fine with his personal habits (minus a few bodily functions here and there and that grody t-shirt he insists on wearing every weekend), but my issues are now with HIM and WHO he is. Yikes.

I don't like that my identity is now completely tied now to my husband in ways it never was before -- even when we were dating. If I wanted to go out for dinner, I went out for dinner. I'm a very social person, and now I have to be sensitive to his schedule and his needs. I know it sounds selfish, but I wish he was more like he was when we were dating. He was fun and spontaneous. He'd be up for anything, a party, a double date, etc, because he wanted my attention, wanted to make a good impression. We would fly off to Vegas at a moment's notice. We don't do that any more, because, at least according to him, that's not what responsible marrieds do. His priority is our down time, our "together" time, and I feel like our social life has been affected -- and not in a good way. For instance -- I LOVE his family, but given the choice, I'd rather go to a fancy dinner. Now that we're married, if I hesitate about seeing his family, he acts like it's a reflection on HIM. When we were dating, he didn't seem to care that much.

And the fights. When we were dating, they were epic. I said everything and anything -- even the mean stuff. Now, I feel like a bad wife if I get really angry. I find myself biting my tongue, when before during our courtship I would have let him have it -- saying things I regretted later. Now, since he's my HUSBAND, I don't say what I really feel because I feel like if I did, we'd be on the path to divorce. And, quite honestly, I resent that I can't be brutally honest.

I know one never knows what goes on behind closed doors, but my other married girlfriends seem to be rolling along with marriages, happy as can be, while I'm constantly struggling.

I love my husband, I just don't like him very much right now. And that scares me.

Does it get better?

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48 comments so far | Post a comment now
Barb October 17, 2008, 11:50 AM

I’ve always been baffled to hear people talk about how HARD marriage is, and how much WORK it is… marriage was always wonderful for me, from the start. I’m sorry if it sounds like I’m gloating—that’s not my goal here.

I’ve been married six years, engaged for two before that and with my husband two years before we were engaged. We met in college and were married at 25, baby No. 1 came when we were 26 (born four days before our first anniversary—which was celebrated in the hospital with our gorgeous new daughter) and baby No. 2 came when we were 30. Now I’m 31 and I’ll say the hardest part of the past six years was the past year (with a baby who won’t sleep at night, that changes your day-to-day attitude A LOT).

But through it all, I’ve just treated my husband the way I want to be treated. When we argue, if it gets loud, I just remember that it feels awful to be yelled at, so I take it down a notch. I still get my point across, but I do it in a more respectful way. If I’m feeling like I need more social time, I tell him and we work it in. Being honest feels great! Give him the benefit of the doubt and tell him how you feel. When you get through it together, your relationship will be a whole lot stronger.

Best of luck to you.

Anonymous October 17, 2008, 12:58 PM

It sounds like you might benefit from counseling.

married forever October 17, 2008, 2:19 PM

You guys came in with different expectations of what married life is. Now you need to reconcile those expectations. Try a marital therapist who will help you negotiate a common ground. Yes, it’s hard to adjust to being married. You do not have to go it alone. Seriously. A marital counselor is not necessarily just for marriages about to fall apart. Couples counseling is to help communicate, share, grow stronger and learn to negotiate a life together.
Good luck!

Shawna October 17, 2008, 2:21 PM

First of all, thank you for coming forward. Yay! Marriage is hard work. It looks easy, but it’s not. IMO, a sucessful marriage is one of the hardest things that someone will undertake.
My husband and I got married while I was pregnant, and we had the first year of marriage AND a baby. Oh vey! Saying that it was difficult doesn’t quiet cover it.
Our key to sanity was our communication of expectations - If he expected me to take care of the baby, he’d let me know, and then I’d let him know if I had problem with that. I’d let him know that I expected to have “me” time… etc. You can’t possibly expect him to read your mind, unless he’s phsychic.

Jennifer October 17, 2008, 2:40 PM

It seems like you both think marriage is supposed to transform you into a diffrent person. Stop trying to be the “Wife” and be yourself. You need to be honest with your husband.

I think this has more to do with you being yourself then being married.

I have been married for 9 years and trials have come our way through out the marriage. If I couldn’t be myself I never would have made it this far.

It’s time to open up…to your husband.

renee October 17, 2008, 8:17 PM

welcome to the club

Anonymous October 19, 2008, 11:02 AM

Yes. Marriage is work. But it’s some of the best, most rewarding work you will ever do.

I agree with a lot of the other ladies. You two have two completely different ideas of what marriage is. This is something you should have talked about BEFORE you got married. But now that you are married, you STILL need to talk about it. He believes that you should stay home, and all of your spare time should be spent with family. You don’t care as long as you’re together, but you feel like you can’t be honest with him.

Let me tell you something. Without honesty, your marriage will fail. Without flexibility, your marriage will fail.

To be completely honest, my husband and I had the roughest first year. We found out we were expecting our daughter less than 2 months after we said “I Do”. And then he deployed to Iraq for a year, 7 months into the marriage. There were a lot of changes and a lot of issues to work through. But we got through it, and now we are happier than ever and it gets better with every passing day. :)

Anonymous October 21, 2008, 2:24 PM

Dump him now before you’re too old to find another one.

Anonymous December 3, 2008, 8:38 PM

How long were you together before getting married? I know “living together”, but if the relationship was only for a year or so, it’s still developing.

megan December 7, 2008, 11:14 PM

My husband is the best in the world, but the first year of our marriage was the worst of my life. I was an emotional mess and it seemed like I was in tears more nights than not. Maybe my expectations of marriage were unrealistic. Who knows? No one ever tells you that marriage is in fact hard hard work, even with the best partner.

Other commenters are correct in telling you not to get pregnant before you’re ready. But, to be honest, I think having my daughter was my salvation. She really caused me to grow up and stop thinking about myself as much.

I totally identify with your concerns, particularly losing your identity (I’m afraid that part gets even worse when you become a mom). But the overwhelming love that you feel for a child supplants some of these lonely feelings. At any rate, it was worth it for me.

But don’t get pregnant just for that reason. I’m just relaying my experience. Good luck!!

anon February 12, 2009, 10:58 PM

i could have written this. you’re not alone. i probably got married around the same time that you did and feel so much the same way. it feels like marriage has changed us into different people and i am not digging this change for either of us. anyway. just wanted to let you know, that for what it is worth, you’re certainly not alone…

Anonymous March 7, 2009, 10:02 AM

You have to take a long look at yourself before you put any blaim on him. It seems like most issues are yours, social life, and identity. You shouldnt miss epic fights, you should work to NOT have them.

Maybe you rushed into something you liked the idea of, but werent ready to grow up for.

suzy April 9, 2009, 5:03 PM

ugh - i know exactly how you feel. we have been married almost a year and there have been way more tears than laughter in our home. some say this is normal, some say it is not. i know how you feel and i am so sorry.

Anonymous August 6, 2009, 11:01 PM

I have only been married since May and it is wearing on me. I can count how many times we have had sex since being married and it doesn’t even add up to 10. I can’t make my own decisions everything should be decided together which I am not good at. I went ahead and got a second dog even thought we had said we could wait.He works all the time so we can pay the bills ,but we don’t do anything fun.
I resent him for the fact that we didn’t have a honeymoon, his friend and mine married eachother first despite knowing eachother less than we had, and I resent him for the fact he waited so long to ask me to marry him (long to me) and I am the last out of my friends to have kids.

MM December 1, 2009, 3:23 AM

I’m a man and have been married 15 years and loathed the past 13. Do NOT have children… if you feel this way now, it will NOT get better. Marriage is a legal contract between two people who agree to do something for the REST OF THEIR LIVES… its ridiculous. Humans are not genetically monagamous. You will meet some couples who are in ga-ga heaven, but that is not the norm. I feel your pain.

Newlywed2 May 17, 2010, 8:08 PM

I know this is a couple of years after the original post, and I’m not sure where you and your husband are in your relationship now…but for any other newlywed googling “how to handle newlywed life” I feel compelled to post. I’ve been married 6 months and it truly has been the most trying six months of my life. Not because I hate being married or I don’t love my husband. Neither of those statements are true. But because no matter how much “practice” you have before, the dynamic changes after marriage. The first year is the hardest and contrary to a previous commenter…it has nothing to do with your relationship. You’re learning to coexist on a higher level. You’re in transition…you have high expectations and feel like a failure if you fall short. BUT…in that first year, you rely on each other to learn the ropes and to let each other know it’s okay to be less than perfect. Everyday life is hard enough when you’re on your own…throw providing and caring for another person in the mix and it gets harder. The important thing to remember is that this is temporary…in six months things will be far different from today…and six months after THAT…even more different.

knowhatumean May 28, 2010, 9:14 PM

i am deeply in love and also deeply overwhelmed

Anonymous November 18, 2010, 12:01 PM

I can agree with these posts( most of them anyways) I have been married for only 2 months and the first few weeks I was so happy and in a dream world..Now it just feels dreary. My husband is the greatest guy and is so happy to be married. All he talks about still is how wonderful it is to be married to me. This is his second marriage and my first. I keep thinking about his first marriage and if we will end up the same.
Like the other day I found our my high school reunion is coming in January and I told him I was going to go alone, and he made the biggest deal and was like you have to take your spouse. So I ofcourse asked ” Did you”? and he said yes. That has bothered me since..If he didn’t love her the way he claims then why would you parade someone around?? I mean I knew he was married before but for some reason it bothers me more now. I am feeling like I do not want to change me last name etc. or take him with me to places/ functions until I know it is going to last. And he is like so sweet it is ridiculous.. clean the house, do laundry, hard working has a good job no previous kids. I hope things do get better after the first year because I do not know why I am feeling like this.

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