I Hate My Mother

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

filed under: jill spivack

She didn't beat me or lock me in a closet. I just genuinely do not like her -- and people find this hard to accept.

Guest blogger Gina: I am not close with my mother and this is a concept that people are unable and unwilling to accept. They say things like, "Well, she's your mother so you have to love her." I always think, you know there are jerks who have kids every day. And I'm sorry that's it's uncomfortable, but every now and then you are going to run into the child of one of those jerks. It was always so difficult because it was so unacceptable for me to not like my mom. People (mostly adults) stuck up for her and -- by doing that -- made me seem like I was the crazy one. It was incredibly frustrating and when you think about it, really stupid.

We asked momlogic contributor and psychotherapist Jill Spivack if it's okay to hate your mom. Here's what she said:

As the saying goes, we don't choose our family. We are all born into a set of circumstances where we don't necessarily have much control. We are born with a particular temperament and our parents have both their own temperament as well as their own life experience which, combined, made them who they were to be as people as well as our parents. For some lucky kids, their parents can be nurturing, supportive, non-judgmental, loving limit-setters and consistent and present in their lives. For others, parents can be less than perfect and sometimes really abusive, abrasive and disabling.

While there is no such thing as a "perfect parent," we are all hoping for a good enough one. But unfortunately, for some, this isn't even impossible. Their own lives and experiences have often crippled them beyond a point of return where they cannot be the kind of parent we need. Do we need to empathize with their history? Maybe. There's some degree of "anger reduction" when we understand that maybe our parents' experience was as difficult for them as they were to us.

Should we continue to allow ourselves to be treated hurtfully or abused once we are adults? NO! It's very important for adult children of "not good enough" parents to come to terms with the cards they were dealt. If they feel that an ongoing relationship with that parent will cause them ongoing damage, they need to set boundaries with that parent.

If it is impossible to set enough boundaries or the parent is especially toxic, it is sometimes necessary to disengage completely. Before this, I would ask: Is there any way to remedy/repair the situation? Does their parent have the ability to take in your needs if well explained or maybe with support from a counselor? Has the parent who made the mistakes been in therapy or trying to change or repair what they've done wrong? You really need to know who you're dealing with and the extent to which that parent is "disabled." Just like you wouldn't ask a paraplegic person in a wheelchair to get up and walk over to you, you sometimes may not be able to get a very emotionally damaged parent to change and treat you the way they should have as a child. If your parent has disappointed you beyond repair, abused you emotionally or physically, you're lucky to realize as an adult that they treated you badly and that you're going to learn to be a better parent to your own children.

Go see a therapist if you need guidance and support. Deal with your anger and disappointment and try to make conscious decisions about the way you'll be with your own children. Consciousness will save your children from experiencing a negative relationship with you. And for adult children of "not good enough parents," be sure to recognize when you're taking the pendulum too far in the opposite direction with your own kids. If your mother was, for example, emotionally neglectful, the natural tendency would be for you to overly-coddle and overstimulate your own child for fear of her experiencing the same neglect you felt. However, if you aren't careful, you can over-do that nurturing stuff -- robbing your child of normal independence and competence.

What if one of your children's friends doesn't like his/her parents? Unfortunately, that child is still under their parents' care until he's 18 years old. I would empathize and listen to the child's feelings if they are trying to talk to you about it, but this is not territory you can necessarily get involved in, unless there is extreme emotional or physical abuse. Doctors and teachers are mandated to report abuse, so if you suspect something very serious, talk to the child's doctor or teacher anonymously and let them look into the situation.

203 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

I loathe and despise my mother because she represents everything I find disgusting and would never want to become. She has completely let herself go; she dresses like a hobo (she’s not even poor!), she’s a compulsive hoarder with a house chock full of crap, she lacks class (lets out belches with reckless abandon). Everything she says and does is utterly humiliating. I am so disgusted by her.

- Ellie

Posted 11/26/08 06:38 PM

well damn my mother reminds me of melissa,tina,angie and hrc,moms except the fact when i was 14 i had a child and her relatives thought that she sense she helped me somewhat with the baby .That i should ignore how she abused me for most of life up and till i was 13.Even then she made it about her she still hit me while i was prego .im happy my daughter is here now she the only person in my family that loves me and in my life that loves me bsides my boyfriend.My sister was to afraid to say anything and my dad didnt want to lose his marriage.

- young mom

Posted 11/26/08 08:33 PM

I hate my mom too so I was glad I could find this site. Ellie, my mom sounds like yours. She is soooo cruel to me in the sense that I have NO SAY IN MY LIFE although I am a young adult at 20. In all honesty, I never had any freedom all throughout childhood and she still treats me like I’m a baby at 20. She is not only EXTREMELY controlling but also very emotionally and verbally abusive. She yells at me for hours on end for the most trivial things. For instance, I am anemic so I need food every so often. Yet, she thinks I’m lying about my condition and really don’t need food and screams in my face saying that I’m full of it and just making it all up to get attention and I don’t pass out. However, I’ve passed out several times because of it in the past year and even had to go to the hospital! That sounds a bit far fetched on her part, doesn’t it? Anyway, I get really angry at her b/c she always instigates fights with me and never knows how to communicate in the sense that she is ALWAYS YELLING at me. I don’t remember a day when she didn’t yell at me and making false accusations. Anyway, we should somehow form a support group on the internet in order to find comfort with others concerning our mothers.

- Kate

Posted 11/29/08 04:32 PM

I could go the rest of my life without seeing or talking to my mother ever again! She is completely self-absorbed, greedy and manipulative and a martyr to boot. She abused me physically, mentally and emotionally since I was just a baby- when I was a teen I started running away from her abuse. Ended up a young girl out on the street-was raped when I was twelve and ongoing sexual abuse through my teens by the people I turned to to take care of me. Ended up pregnant at 14 and miscarried, this caused severe damage to my reproductive organs and I was never ever able to get pregnant again. After ending up on drugs and basically just plain screwed up, I got my life back together by the time I was 24, but the damage to me physically and emotionally can never be undone. and now I’m 46 years old and going through chemotherapy and she just called this past weekend to inject a little poison into my life…this woman has seriously ruined every good thing in my life….I know people say Hey, just get over it…move on with your life….and I am trying everday to do this but it is not easy when your self-esteem and personhood has been trampled on your entire life. The sick part is that I have always tried to win her approval but I don’t understand why because I absolutely HATE her and wish she wasn’t my mother. I’ve been in numerous abusive relationships because that’s all I knew…finally realized that you don’t have to be beaten just to validate your existence… Now I’m sick and it’s just not my mother who isn’t there for me, I can’t even count on a call from my siblings- She shouldn’t be a mother…and I should never have been born.

- Wendy

Posted 12/01/08 02:43 PM

Well I am the mom and I don’t hate my daughter nor does she hate me BUT here is our story…I left her father when she was 4, he has since been in her life very little and I had met another man and was with him 13 years. The last 4 of those 13 years she had become hateful and disrespectfull of everyone in the home - me, my boyfriend, her younger brother and sister. My children have ALWAYS come first - boyfriend and everyone else got put on the back burners - including myself. She is now almost 20 years old, been out of school almost 2 years, doesn’t have a job, doesn’t help around the house - period. For the last year I have been more stern with her than I ever have been in her entire life (that’s where I messed up - I should have been her mother first instead of her best friend first)…anyway…We now fight almost daily. I’ve come to the point where I’ve told her that she has a month to get a job or start doing the housework while she is sitting home all day doing nothing or she has to move. I work 40 hours a week, come home and cook and clean every day - that’s the least she can do if she’s not going to get a job and start supporting herself. My other two children are still in school and yet they do more around the house than she does. Two months ago, after 15 1/2 years, her father and I got back together. She hates it and I understand why she has issues with it but like I told her, she is almost 20 and should be out on her own now. The other 2 children are extremely happy about me being back with dad and the children are all old enough to where I can start living my life for me now. They still come first but now I’m pulling myself off that back burner and joining them. All you daughters out there that are having problems with your parents, you may hate them or you may just be angry with them but remember this, they are the only parents you have. Try to make amends some how because God forbid something should happen that would take them away from you forever, you will regret

- Jerri

Posted 12/11/08 05:16 PM

Everything I wrote last time didn’t post so here is the rest of what I said…………… Try to make amends some how because God forbid something should happen that would take them away from you forever, you will regret it. I know from personal experience. I was angry at my father (but loved him dearly) the last time I spoke to him - he died a few months later and I never got to apologize to him for being angry at him and my reasons for being angry was stupid. Once they are gone, they are gone forever. Think about it…cherish what you do have if it is at all possible. Those of you who have been molested or beaten - I would hate them too but you do need to move on and live your life to the fullest for yourself.

- Jerri

Posted 12/11/08 05:25 PM

My mother and step-father were violent alcoholics. The kids were abused in every way an adult can abuse a child. I ran away when I was 16 years old and didn’t look back. I was over 35 years old before I could speak of the abuse without feeling flushed with anger and hate. Now, I am over 50 years old and still have nothing to do with my mother. Yes, by definition she is my mother. However, there is so much more to being a mother than just the birthing process. It is by nurturing and loving your children you become a mother. I have learned to live with the pain of abuse but it is impossible to forget. The abuse was so comprehensive. Yes, I still grieve for the mother and father I never had.

- Word

Posted 12/12/08 09:11 AM

i hate my mother;i can’t take anymore of her abuse,mental,emotional etc. i have never been treated the same as my 3 brothers. the last straw came about 1 month ago. she refused toadmit that she lied to me. instead of acting normal she started yelling at me, saying i was crazy and needed to see a psychiatrist, then she told me that i was too much trouble to ever be her daughter,she told me never to talk to her again. i am in therapy, i feel good about everything, it has been so nice not talking to her.i am sick of being insulted and being made to feel like crap all the time.

- karen

Posted 12/16/08 01:40 PM

Pamela, I don’t like you and I don’t even know you. It sounds like every bad decision you made you blame him for. Take responsibility for your own life and stop “demanding” love. YOU chose that step-father for him, he didn’t choose him and now you expect him to just turn off the relationship because you found someone new to warm your bed. Too bad life doesn’t work like that. You’ve had 3 men in his short, 17-year-life, so there’s no way you were dedicating your life to your son, you were man hunting. So, you obviously dropped out of school and decided to have a son and bring him into a life of poverty, drag him through at least three relationships and now complain he’s had enough of you?

- JustMia

Posted 12/27/08 01:01 AM

I think it’s definitely okay to hate your parents. Many jerks who shouldn’t be allowed to procreate in fact do because they feel like they should have children so they’ll have someone to take care of them when they’re old. That reason is exactly why my parents had me. My mom reminds me of it constantly, but yet she’s the biggest jerk. She’s both physically and emotionally abusive and allows my father to do the same. I am so numbed by their actions, and I wouldn’t care if they both died today. I’d probably just shrug and continue on with my day. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive them, and I will definitely not be taking care of them. They can both rot in a nursing home, and I hope they get abused by the nursing home workers. They certainly would deserve it.

- Anonymous

Posted 12/28/08 03:58 PM

I just cry at the thought of what I am in for with my daughter for the rest of my life. There are so many of you who hate your mothers and you are mostly daughters. I stayed in an abusive marriage, both verbally and physically for 18 years because I needed someone to help me take care of my daughter. I had moved across country and took a very demanding job and traveled, still do, a lot. I had no family to help me with taking care of her when I was out of town so I relied on her father. Last year, my daughter’s senior year in high school, her father walked out without a word to either one of us. He has since filed for divorce and is getting alimony from me and is after my pension benefits as well. I will also have to pay some portion of his legal bills because I make more money than he does. Our house is worth less than the mortgage and both my daughter and I live here. I bought her a car so she could get to school on her own because I couldn’t keep taking off from work to shuttle her around. I am paying her tuition and living expenses. So Christmas comes and I love Christmas. I put up lights outside, got a real tree and decorated it and got her presents, nice presents. She didn’t bother buying me a card, an ornament(love them!), a present, or even giving me a hug. Her excuse was that since she isn’t working it would have been like using my money to buy my own gift. Never mind that she used my money to buy her father a gift and even the Christmas cards that I bought to express her love for him. He lives less than 15 minutes away and never calls her or comes to see her; he has his own retirement and yet he is after mine, even though he knows that the only asset I have is my job and that he is taking bread off her table, everytime he takes a dime from me.I made sacrifices for her, sent her to private schools all her life. She is going to a state school now because of all the trouble with the divorce and the stock market and the housing market. This Christmas, I realized

- marlena

Posted 12/28/08 07:53 PM

Pamela, I hope you see this. My son also used to act like he hated me, not as a young child, but in his teens. It broke my heart and caused me a near nervous breakdown..the name-calling, anger, nothing I could say/do was right, etc, but I decided to simply unconditionally love him and be there for him, even when he didnt want me to, and..over the course of several years things began to improve. They are still far from perfect but I continue to offer him unconditional love and be there as much as possible, and slowly but surely the results do come.

- Melanie

Posted 01/06/09 12:09 PM

It does feel good to be purged of the guilt of loathing your mother- I have tried to be an open wound of understanding and I never get a pat on the back rather I am an emotional door mat. I have always wondered if the common place wisdom of “one day you’ll understand that your mother was right” about your spouse would come full circle. However, I feel like I am obligated to love her and feel nothing but anxiety, fear, guilt and rage when we talk. I can’t stand her breath, her lisp, her smelly old cartigans, her sounds she makes to my infants, the way she slurps her soup, her algae smelling hair, the manly way she moves and her klingon forehead! she was so attractive and soft once - ever since i was child she has steadily been evolving into a bitter, bi-polar, short-attention spanned loud mouth! she used to beat us and call my father gay- I never had the fear of God as a child because she was enough for me. I have tried to understand her “codes if love” undergone family counseling and am now feel that things have regressed to the point of no return. I am officially cutting the cord on this deadly blood transgenerational infusion I hate myself in the morning before applying make-up because I almost feel like she is looking back at me. She recently confided in me that she may commit suicide and I begged her to get help. I can not stand her and she constantly wants to “be close” to me. This is going nowhere fast. I have to get out! Can I get an Amen?

- carolyn

Posted 01/07/09 09:25 PM

Okay, now that I have vented here’s my real fear. My grandmother lived with my mother, father and I before she passed. Now she had a brain aneuism and demensia and was real childlike and sweet. My mother told me she was a battle axe back in the day but all I ever knew of her was wonderful. Now, my mother whom I hate wants to be around my daughter and I feel bad saying no but she still abuses me emotionally when we are all together. I guess I will have to wait until my mother’s brain is failing to see her “soft” side.

- carolyn again

Posted 01/07/09 09:43 PM

pardon my english ..i am being thru thiz problem tooo.. its not that just i hate my mom.. its like i am thinking over on thiz becouse i know it is my base it will go with me where ever i live…. its hard to accept my self as hating my close relation couse i am muslim and my teachers all the teaching me not to fight with onother brother.. thiiz is alll ruin with me … but still she iz not getting it.. she do not want to change becouse some little boy get up from her _________ and telling her some thing which is brave and true … i am not kid amm 22 and i have life to live and study and just becouse of here i cannot sleep,eat enjoy even think of happiness .. and still she iz not taking her self down at me … problem iz i can not quit .. no laws against her..i am muslim i have to take it till my grave and she wont ever never learn becouse of just her ego … and she will never get her boy at all …. truth iz mey she die alone and hide somewhere in history …i respect creative humans… thiz just a reason i am bloging my comments to thoz who wants to be parents … childrens are the best gift from god that can be surf with your entir life…even u want or not.. just plan it before u got mindless …

- Hussain

Posted 01/10/09 12:32 AM

- Hussain

Posted 01/10/09 12:33 AM

I knew from the time I was in elementary school that I couldn’t stand my mother. That was in the early sixties and divorce was so rare I used to wish she would die so I could just live with my dad. I couldn’t disagree with her about anything or she would slap my face and tell me I was going to hell. She’s bullied me my whole life and I was dumb enough to let her move in with us a year ago. I feel like I will never be free of her. I’m trying to find the courage to end this living arrangement so I can enjoy my own children who will be grown before long. I am afraid of her disapproval on one hand and on the other, I don’t care. My happiest years were when we were in the military and I didn’t have to be around her. I was ecstatic when caller ID was invented.

- Karen

Posted 01/12/09 03:10 PM

For a long time I thought that having these feelings of hate and anger towards my mom was a problem that I had with myself. As I read all these different responses, I realize that I am not alone and that people actually understand my pain. I’m 18 years old and I’ve always had mixed feelings about my mother. She had me at a young age and missed out on a lot. I always felt like it was my fault that she couldn’t live her life. She always put a man before my sisters and I. Even until this day she does whatever her boyfriends asks her to do. My mother is an emotionally abusive woman and it seems that whenever I’m happy, she finds a way to destroy it. She loves being in control and she loves knowing that I need her. She gives gifts and takes them back. I remember not having a winter jacket one year because she bought me one, got mad at me, and returned it. I went to school with a number of sweaters on, freezing cold. It hurts me to feel this way, but I’ve had all the reason to..

- Melissa

Posted 01/12/09 07:25 PM

Wow. What a site. I cannot bring myself to say that I hate my mother, probably out of guilt, but I very strongly dislike her. Just to think of her causes so much anger and hurt to surface. She is such a cold, hurtfull, inconciderate woman- I just cannot stand her and I hate that things are the way they are. As a young woman, I felt like it was me- if I was thinner, prettier, nicer, better, etc, and I beleived that I could do it and we would have a normal relationship. But after I gave birth to my first child, I could not fathum treating my child the way this woman has treated me my entire life-verbal, physcial and emotional abuse. I love all of my children equally and unconditionally, and cannot understand in the slightest how she could treat me so horribly throughout the years. Now I am angry. I no longer beleive that I am the horrible, disgusting person that she has so harshly tried (and still trys) to convince me that I am. I am angry that she is my mother and a mother is suposed to love their children. It is not that she is incapable, she loves my brothers openly. But because of her, there is a void in my life that seems it can never be filled. My marriage is good- I have three beautiful sons. I just wish I had a mother that loved me who could say “way to go.” “I’m proud of you.” “I love you.” But instead I have her. I have the woman who, every time I even think of her,I hear “I hate you.” “You’re disgusting.” “You’re fat.” “I wish you were never born.” I just want to know how to move on- how to let it go so it doesn’t hurt anymore. I want to know how to make the memories stop flooding my head. I distance myself from her, see my therapist faithfully, but cannot seem to stop being consumed with anger. Any suggestions???

- trish

Posted 01/13/09 12:05 AM

My mother is a manipulator. As a young girl, my mother dragged me out late at night to spy on my dad who was cheating on her, then she called him gay and so many other things. She made me hate my dad. She never told me she loved me, was proud of me. She came from Italy when she was 20, met my dad at age 35 yet blames my dad that she can’t read and write because she was stuck with kids and couldn’t go to school. What was she doing for 15 yrs before that. She is always sicker than anyone else, her illness are more severe than others, poor me syndrome. Totally helpless and depends on everyone. She wouldnt take me to the ER after I was in a car accident and went through a windshield because she didn’t want my cousin, the driver, to get in trouble. My dad had to fight with her about it and he took me to the ER. She never cared. She uses her diabetes as a ploy to have everyone cater to her. She made my son stay with her so he could save her if her sugar went low. When I wanted my son to come home with me, she started to argue. When I tried to discipline my son, she started to hit me and choke me, to try and turn my son against me so he would stay with her to keep watch over her. She has everyone in her family (sisters) buffaloed. She caters to my brother because he kisses her butt and gives her money. Never has she cooked me a meal or invited me over to eat. But, she invites my brother over. Every holiday, I am expected to cook even though I work holidays as a nurse at night. For XMAS day, I was so tired, I couldn’t cook. My son told her that and instead of offering to cook herself, she told him “i guess I will have to make myself pancakes”. Just another poor me attitude. Now the extended family is against me because I don’t want anything to do with her.

- chrissy

Posted 01/13/09 02:37 PM