I Hate My Mother

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

filed under: jill spivack

She didn't beat me or lock me in a closet. I just genuinely do not like her -- and people find this hard to accept.

Guest blogger Gina: I am not close with my mother and this is a concept that people are unable and unwilling to accept. They say things like, "Well, she's your mother so you have to love her." I always think, you know there are jerks who have kids every day. And I'm sorry that's it's uncomfortable, but every now and then you are going to run into the child of one of those jerks. It was always so difficult because it was so unacceptable for me to not like my mom. People (mostly adults) stuck up for her and -- by doing that -- made me seem like I was the crazy one. It was incredibly frustrating and when you think about it, really stupid.

We asked momlogic contributor and psychotherapist Jill Spivack if it's okay to hate your mom. Here's what she said:

As the saying goes, we don't choose our family. We are all born into a set of circumstances where we don't necessarily have much control. We are born with a particular temperament and our parents have both their own temperament as well as their own life experience which, combined, made them who they were to be as people as well as our parents. For some lucky kids, their parents can be nurturing, supportive, non-judgmental, loving limit-setters and consistent and present in their lives. For others, parents can be less than perfect and sometimes really abusive, abrasive and disabling.

While there is no such thing as a "perfect parent," we are all hoping for a good enough one. But unfortunately, for some, this isn't even impossible. Their own lives and experiences have often crippled them beyond a point of return where they cannot be the kind of parent we need. Do we need to empathize with their history? Maybe. There's some degree of "anger reduction" when we understand that maybe our parents' experience was as difficult for them as they were to us.

Should we continue to allow ourselves to be treated hurtfully or abused once we are adults? NO! It's very important for adult children of "not good enough" parents to come to terms with the cards they were dealt. If they feel that an ongoing relationship with that parent will cause them ongoing damage, they need to set boundaries with that parent.

If it is impossible to set enough boundaries or the parent is especially toxic, it is sometimes necessary to disengage completely. Before this, I would ask: Is there any way to remedy/repair the situation? Does their parent have the ability to take in your needs if well explained or maybe with support from a counselor? Has the parent who made the mistakes been in therapy or trying to change or repair what they've done wrong? You really need to know who you're dealing with and the extent to which that parent is "disabled." Just like you wouldn't ask a paraplegic person in a wheelchair to get up and walk over to you, you sometimes may not be able to get a very emotionally damaged parent to change and treat you the way they should have as a child. If your parent has disappointed you beyond repair, abused you emotionally or physically, you're lucky to realize as an adult that they treated you badly and that you're going to learn to be a better parent to your own children.

Go see a therapist if you need guidance and support. Deal with your anger and disappointment and try to make conscious decisions about the way you'll be with your own children. Consciousness will save your children from experiencing a negative relationship with you. And for adult children of "not good enough parents," be sure to recognize when you're taking the pendulum too far in the opposite direction with your own kids. If your mother was, for example, emotionally neglectful, the natural tendency would be for you to overly-coddle and overstimulate your own child for fear of her experiencing the same neglect you felt. However, if you aren't careful, you can over-do that nurturing stuff -- robbing your child of normal independence and competence.

What if one of your children's friends doesn't like his/her parents? Unfortunately, that child is still under their parents' care until he's 18 years old. I would empathize and listen to the child's feelings if they are trying to talk to you about it, but this is not territory you can necessarily get involved in, unless there is extreme emotional or physical abuse. Doctors and teachers are mandated to report abuse, so if you suspect something very serious, talk to the child's doctor or teacher anonymously and let them look into the situation.

203 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

hey do u know the feeling when u don’t need a mother or this mother?Will i feel that way.My mother is so mean that she said that all the things that my family got u i want it all just because i wanted my jacket at my grandma grandpa’s house.?_?i really don’t get her do u?????*_* &_& H_H im ma hottie ya wanna know why it’s because my mom try to get me in a thong!D don’t say it cause ik already she is really odd!lol

- :D again

Posted 02/03/09 10:03 PM

hey guys i was thinking that in the commandments didn’t it say to respect your mother and father?! O_O i want to go to heaven,but if i hate my mother won’t i go to……O_O ya now down there O_O

- :D

Posted 02/03/09 10:32 PM

Hi there. My mother nearly killed me a few times. She let me starve and beat me uncouncious. I was only allowed to go to school (if she let me) but nowhere else. Not allowed to talk to anyone or meet anyone. After school she asked me for hours what exactly I have said to people or answered in school. She was scared I would talk I think. Her boyfriends never helped me and my younger sister abused me too, even sexually. My stepfather later tried to have sex with me and make me his new girlfriend. When i refused he threw me out in winter. She, my so called mother, didn’t believe me. I was offered around for sex in the neighbourhood in exchange for money or favours for her and my stepfather. Luckily no one agreed to it. I have deep scars and have rebuilt my life. My mother goes round and tells lies and carries on living her life as if nothing ever happened. She never harmed my sister and i ask myself ‘Why me?’

- Anonymous

Posted 02/04/09 08:23 AM

I dont know if i hate my Mother but i hate who she has become. I am 45 now and as a child and a young mother i adored my Mother, we had a good relationship,when i was in my mid twenties she adopted a child a little girl, from that day she changed into a different person, she told myself and my other biological sister that we had our own families now and she had hers ( my adopted sister), she constantly blamed others on her bold behaviour, and began alienating us as part of her family, she let her take over her life to the extent she hadn’t got one anymore, she would cry for help when she went out of control but when we tried to help we were called jealous trouble makers and to stay away, she only talks to us if we keep our mouths shut and let my adopted sister do what she wants and believe me she does. She is passive aggressive. I watched my parents take sick and cry over her behaviour, but theres nothing i can do. My parents choose to shove us out to keep her happy. It has caused me so much pain that i cant deal with it anymore. Sometimes i wish they had put me up for adoption. I could have been a really good sister and a great support if my Mother had let me. She was selfish

- meg

Posted 02/04/09 04:36 PM

no, i really really do hate my mother. i can’t wait for her to die, though know ing my luck she will hang on till she’s 100 or something. i despise her.

- ana

Posted 02/05/09 04:05 AM

i feel the same way, but i know that ill rgert it though just like my father.He was scared of his mother and hated her.She did drugs all the time, but it wasn’t her fault the man in her life beatn her and got her on drugs. Then one day she died and my father regerts every moment that he didn’t want to get to know her.

- :D

Posted 02/07/09 03:15 PM

My mom’s abusiveness became evident right after I suffered a serious health problem. The health problem, in fact, is permanent. My mom would never admit it, but it is obvious that as soon as my health went south, so did her level of caring for me. She has been emotionally abusive and in fact her cruel actions have led me to have permanent physical problems as well, including arthritis and stomach issues resulting from extreme anxiety as a result of my thinking about her and how horrible of a mother she has been. It would be best if I would not have to see her again. However because I have a disability, I rely on both her and my father (they’re divorced) financially. She has blatently taken advantage of my weakness and has abused me, which has caused my life to be a living hell at times. My disability is tough to live with. But she is tougher. My conversations with my psychologist are generally about her and how I can go on and be happy even after her abuse, not about my disability. Pathetic and sad, yes. pain inflicted on me by my hypocritical, heartless mother, yes.

- joanne

Posted 02/08/09 12:07 AM

Hi Joanne, how old are you? I’m so sorry that you have a horrible mother .Mine has always been mean and I’m 46 now. I am a mother and would never do or say the things that mine has said to me , I wonder how these horrible mothers live with themselves . I don’t think I will ever be right because of the hurt and pain . My happiness comes purely from living through my childrens lives .Now they are growing older and pulling away which is normal. It makes me sad ,I need something else now to fill me up so I don’t dwell . Good Luck to you and I will pray that all women that don’t know what it is to have a wonderful loving mother will feel happiness and be loved somehow ,some way :) God Bless us all

- caryn

Posted 02/11/09 08:57 AM

There is a new website Forum that has a section called “I hate my Mother!” www.VentersUnited.com

- megan

Posted 02/11/09 03:55 PM

it’s possible to hate your mother… trust me

- Chrisina

Posted 02/16/09 02:50 PM

My Mother and I are in my opinion done. She is a very destructive and phycologically abusive woman. I realized the amount of phycological pain she put me through and decided it was costing me way to much. Mostly because of how tiered the people around me got of trying to give me biblical solution and relized that its not a lack of forgiveness but its a lack of her needing to change. It suites her to be cruel to me and to be sure that no one else reaches ut to me in times of need she wrecks any relationships she can for me and spends her life finding people who will alow her to abuse them. I just cant let her use my children 11 and 10 for her games. I go between hateing her so much I dream of killings her in great detail and just wanting her to move on to her next mark. But now I want to put a new plan in place I want to own my mental realestate and my identity apart from her I dont want to be known as her victom when I bring up topixcs with friends I just want to do other things. So I plan to hurt her feeling by giving back all the trash litterally trash gifts she wants to tell me to store for her and dont throw them away when she feels like tortureing me and let her drift off but what do I say when people ask me about my mom I hate the lectures and the raised eyebrows. I just want it to be over.

- Wani

Posted 02/17/09 01:48 PM

I hate mine. No question. She is ruining my life.

- Anonymous

Posted 02/18/09 08:05 AM

Wani, I completly understand what your describing, have been there myself. The best advice I can give about what to say to friends when they ask about your Mom……. You first of all need to find the strength to hold true to your feelings without any guilt. You know what you can live with (your actions) and what you can’t live with. Second, don’t worry about what these people think, you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone!! Those people who look at you with raised eyebrows have never lived your life and they have no room to talk. Third, if you must have a response for these people with raised eyebrows, just say that for your own survival it’s important to not be around her right now. Just a little advice from someone who knows how you feel.

- sameboat

Posted 02/19/09 08:45 AM

The whole mother telling people stories thing that elena was talking about, happens to me as well! And although she doesn’t abuse me or anything it hurts so much when she does things like that to me. People think that just because your mother doesn’t hit you, that everything is fine and I feel like an awful person for hating her, but the way she treats me, really upsets and depresses me. She can have me in tears with one word or look, and I feel like running away! I wish more people would understand what it’s like to not have, or lose, that maternal bond that we’re “supposed” to have.

- Upset

Posted 02/19/09 05:20 PM

I hate my mother too and most days I hope that, when I grow older and no longer need her for financial support, she will die in the worst way possible.

- anon

Posted 02/20/09 05:15 PM

I hate my mother because she hates me and blames me for everything all the time. She told me that she has to talk to me only because I’m her daughter, otherwise she wouldn’t really talk to me. So, if that’s her only reason, I don’t think I should talk to her at all. She always tells me that I’m wrong in everything and blames me for everything and if I want anything (I just want good treatment and appreciation). I feel like my mother died for me and I’m grieving, my anger comes more from grieve than anything else.

- girl27

Posted 02/20/09 09:34 PM

my mother constantly picks fights with me. i hate her.

- every annoyed girl

Posted 02/22/09 06:14 AM

look no matter what people say i hate my parents they have no right to go tellin my i cant talk to colered people when one happens to be my best friend and i lovehim to death

- i hate my parents

Posted 02/24/09 04:16 PM

I too Hate my mother…When I was little,I would say under the age of 11. she was a pretty darn good mom..She then divorced my dad and we moved across town,to a low income neighborhood where all the problems began.. when I turned 12 her brothers daughter (6 months old) was taken away and placed in our home. Where I became the built in baby sitter and was made to stay home and raise her-she adopted her when she was 3. By this time she started dating again..The boyfriend and her would go off and leave me at home and take my now sister with them,I was never invited to the park zoo or movies..I was left to fend for myself for the day sometimes all night..I was still the baby sitter when she had to work late—I had to cook for us and take care of us.. As an adult I moved 200 miles away..2 yrs ago she lost her Job and I being the nice person I am invited her to move in with me and now my 3 boys. OH MY GOODNESS was that ever a mistake!! All we do is argue,she tells me how to parent what to do…Mind you I have been doing just fine on my own all these years..She bosses my kids around like its allowed,and even went as far as cussing at my then 9 yr old who is autistic… i told her tonight that I am moving out or she will have too..I can deal with this anymore..I am done.. I really do hate her… she annoys me… she makes me ill… I think I let her move in because I was hoping for some closure,and that things would be better…But I was wrong..so very wrong.. I am miserable with her here..and wish she would go live with my sister or something… UGGGHH I HATE HER!!!!!

- Lynn

Posted 02/26/09 10:55 PM

I am eleven years old my mom hated@me all my life she hits me puts me down embarreses me in front of my friends cusses at me the list goes on and on

- antonio

Posted 03/14/09 01:24 PM