I Hate My Mother

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

filed under: jill spivack

She didn't beat me or lock me in a closet. I just genuinely do not like her -- and people find this hard to accept.

Guest blogger Gina: I am not close with my mother and this is a concept that people are unable and unwilling to accept. They say things like, "Well, she's your mother so you have to love her." I always think, you know there are jerks who have kids every day. And I'm sorry that's it's uncomfortable, but every now and then you are going to run into the child of one of those jerks. It was always so difficult because it was so unacceptable for me to not like my mom. People (mostly adults) stuck up for her and -- by doing that -- made me seem like I was the crazy one. It was incredibly frustrating and when you think about it, really stupid.

We asked momlogic contributor and psychotherapist Jill Spivack if it's okay to hate your mom. Here's what she said:

As the saying goes, we don't choose our family. We are all born into a set of circumstances where we don't necessarily have much control. We are born with a particular temperament and our parents have both their own temperament as well as their own life experience which, combined, made them who they were to be as people as well as our parents. For some lucky kids, their parents can be nurturing, supportive, non-judgmental, loving limit-setters and consistent and present in their lives. For others, parents can be less than perfect and sometimes really abusive, abrasive and disabling.

While there is no such thing as a "perfect parent," we are all hoping for a good enough one. But unfortunately, for some, this isn't even impossible. Their own lives and experiences have often crippled them beyond a point of return where they cannot be the kind of parent we need. Do we need to empathize with their history? Maybe. There's some degree of "anger reduction" when we understand that maybe our parents' experience was as difficult for them as they were to us.

Should we continue to allow ourselves to be treated hurtfully or abused once we are adults? NO! It's very important for adult children of "not good enough" parents to come to terms with the cards they were dealt. If they feel that an ongoing relationship with that parent will cause them ongoing damage, they need to set boundaries with that parent.

If it is impossible to set enough boundaries or the parent is especially toxic, it is sometimes necessary to disengage completely. Before this, I would ask: Is there any way to remedy/repair the situation? Does their parent have the ability to take in your needs if well explained or maybe with support from a counselor? Has the parent who made the mistakes been in therapy or trying to change or repair what they've done wrong? You really need to know who you're dealing with and the extent to which that parent is "disabled." Just like you wouldn't ask a paraplegic person in a wheelchair to get up and walk over to you, you sometimes may not be able to get a very emotionally damaged parent to change and treat you the way they should have as a child. If your parent has disappointed you beyond repair, abused you emotionally or physically, you're lucky to realize as an adult that they treated you badly and that you're going to learn to be a better parent to your own children.

Go see a therapist if you need guidance and support. Deal with your anger and disappointment and try to make conscious decisions about the way you'll be with your own children. Consciousness will save your children from experiencing a negative relationship with you. And for adult children of "not good enough parents," be sure to recognize when you're taking the pendulum too far in the opposite direction with your own kids. If your mother was, for example, emotionally neglectful, the natural tendency would be for you to overly-coddle and overstimulate your own child for fear of her experiencing the same neglect you felt. However, if you aren't careful, you can over-do that nurturing stuff -- robbing your child of normal independence and competence.

What if one of your children's friends doesn't like his/her parents? Unfortunately, that child is still under their parents' care until he's 18 years old. I would empathize and listen to the child's feelings if they are trying to talk to you about it, but this is not territory you can necessarily get involved in, unless there is extreme emotional or physical abuse. Doctors and teachers are mandated to report abuse, so if you suspect something very serious, talk to the child's doctor or teacher anonymously and let them look into the situation.

204 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

yes it is possible to hate ur mother …..my mom is disrespect she is always quick to call someone out their names mi mama is upright mean …..sometimes she even says she hates us …..so why cant i hate her….what comes around goes around

- Anonymous

Posted 03/14/09 07:19 PM

I am 41 years old, a mother of 3 beautiful boys and I totally dispise my mother. She is completely self centered, selfish, envious of others for no good reason, spiteful to her so called best friends, backstabbing, judgemental, talks crap about her friends behind their backs, backstabbing, cold, always plays the victim, never takes responsibility for her behavior, and “sweeps everything under the carpet” as if nothing bad has ever happened to her or anyone in her family. She is always trying to control everything in my life and everyone else’s life. She has absolutely no relationship with her 3 grandsons but leads everyone to believe she does. She sees tham at best 3 times a year and we always have to drive to their hometown. She never comes to us. And if she does it is only for a few hours. We live about 2 1/2 hours away so it is difficult to travel with 3 boys, one in 5th grade and the other 2 in preschool. She does not work so she can set her priorities to come and visit us rather than try to be the best citizen of her city, in every club, group, organization, blah, blah, blah! My 5 year old is having thyroid surgery next month but her Garden club is so much more important that she cannot come and help with the other 2 boys while we are in the hospital. Just one of many examples of her selfishness and misguided priorities. I am so mad at her right now I sould scratch her eyeballs out. If I could tie her up and tape her mouth closed so I could say everything I need to say I might begin to feel a little better. At least this way she can’t hang up on me or interupt me with her cries of being “such a terrible mother” WHATEVER!!!!!! Like I said she always plays the victim! I just wish I could get to the point where I can just let it all go and learn to accept that things will never change. But it is hard for me to do that now that I am a mother myself. I cannot ever see myself treating my boys the way she has treated me and contines to treat me. I just want to scream so loud and I want everyone in her hometown that thinks

- SE

Posted 03/14/09 07:27 PM

This is my story. I HATE my mother. I understand every single post that has been made here. At least now I know I am not alone. I would like to be in the category of people who highly regard and love their mother; but, she has not allowed that in me. I am the middle child, with an older brother, and a younger brother. My mother has been showing me with her actions my entire life that she has very little regard for me. I have known since before I could speak. So, I thought it was me, so I spent my entire life up until two years ago trying to gain her love and approval. I am fifty years old. I was valedictorian in school. Graduated first in my class in college, and was the student speaker. In addition, I was a “good girl”, my nickname in high school was “strait laced”. I never felt I had the luxury of veering into anything negative because my mother already hated me. I feared what would happen if I weren’t perfect. However, nothing I have ever achieved brought any love from her. She did not physically harm me, she never even spanked me, not even once. She never shouted at me or said anything abusive to me. Yet, the odd thing was, I never saw it as a flaw in her, only that I was a bad person, a horrible human being, a total loser. She kicked me out of the house two weeks after my high school graduation. I put myself through college. My parents moved to a state, more that a thousand miles away right after they threw me out. I did not see them for more than five years, and did not hear from them but a couple times. So I felt like an orphan. I was embarrassed, and ashamed that I came from parents that were like this. After they came back to this state, I reached out to her, but she told me to leave her alone. It wasn’t until my older son was around nine years old that I tried to contact my parents again after that. I was in my mid thirties at this point. An orphan since I was thrown out at 18. I married after college, and had two children. They are 24 and 22 now. Two boys. I have spent

- Godschild

Posted 03/15/09 09:58 AM

I have spent my entire life alone, blaming myself for being born. I actually thought I was going crazy. There was evidence along the way, but I had a difficult time believing that what I knew about her feelings toward me was right. I thought I was imagining that she hated me. My father was an alcoholic, a very abusive one at that. Also, he molested me most of my life. He threatened my life, so I did not know how to escape the abuse. And I was afraid to tell my mom, because I knew she hated me. But, when I was twelve, I told her about the abuse….hoping against hope that she would protect and save me. The exact opposite happened, she then started to pretend I did not exist, and tried to hurt me in every way possible, in covert ways. She is a pathological liar and a manipulative narcissist. She is the most selfish, self absorbed, horrible human being I have ever known. I tried to kill myself the first time at eight years old. I could not deal with my father molesting me and threatening to kill me. I took an entire bottle of aspirins, folks, I did not die. I was so angry the next day. I told no one, no one. From that point on, I had a pathological need to die. I have been battling that feeling my entire life. It was at one point in my thirties, that I made a promise to myself, that I would never carry out suicide. The other day, I saw on the news, a new study in Canada, I believe, they discovered that severely abused children, such as in being molested, actually changes the child’s genes toward suicide. That was the best news I ever heard. I fully believe my body is programmed for suicide, but I can overcome that by my conscious decision to be happy and live joyous in my life. My mother quit trying to pretend two years ago that she tolerated me. She told me she had always hated me, and when she found out she was pregnant with me, she wanted me to die. I think that pretty much explains why I always felt like I was hated. Just a note, she did not feel this way towards my brothers, she openly loved them and lavished attention and things on

- Godschild

Posted 03/15/09 11:19 AM

them. Once she told me this, out of the blue one day…at first it devastated me, I cried straight for three days, and did not go to work. Then I began a year of accepting that my reality all along was what I knew, but did not want to accept. That was hard to accept, it was easier all those years just thinking I WAS the horrible one, even though I did not know why. This is my story, I am still struggling to have the desire to live. I can say, I have never gone down a negative path of drugs, alcohol, nor have I ever been self destructive. Not that I haven’t wanted to at times, but then I would feel that she won. And that is all that it would take for me not to survive. Thank you for giving me this opportunity to share some of my story. And yes, there are women who have children, who have no intention of loving or protecting them. And yes, eventually, the feelings of hate come from that negligence and abuse. It feels good to say today, that it never was me….my mom just did not want or love me…just because I was not convenient. But God loves me, and that is enough for me, even though I would have wanted to be loved by my parents. Both my brothers are alcoholics and drug addicts, and she continues to love and lavish attention on them. Thanks.

- Godschild

Posted 03/15/09 11:25 AM

Plain and simple… I hate my mother. Not because she was physically abusive, but the mental and emotional hardships she has put me thru have been terrible. I am 20, engaged to the most wonderful man on the planet. We were planning on getting hitched this year, but because it’s inconvenient for my mother, we are struggling to pay for the wedding by ourselves. She told me she has more important things to worry about. Psh! yeah, her more important things to worry about are spoiling my siblings rotten by buying them whatever they want and then when she runs out of money, she comes to me so she can buy MORE crap for them and herself. My older brother doesn’t have a job, stopped going to school, he sits on his butt all day playing video games and she makes me, the one with a job, paying my own bills, being an actual adult, feel so unappreciated. Whenever I bring up the fact that my fiance’s parents want to help me out, she gets defensive and claims that it hurts her feelings that I’m not coming to her for help. When she was the one to tell me I’m on my own. My fiance can’t stand her. As soon as we’re married, I’m planning on cutting her off completely. I can’t afford to move out and be on my own because she keeps taking every penny. She’s another one where if it’s not about her or it hurts her feelings, she tries to get everyone to pity her. I hate how she puts me down and uses me as her crutch. I wish I could just get out of here… Can anybody give me advice???

- m

Posted 03/22/09 08:53 PM

my mother is the same, Since I was a child (I’m 31) Shes been trying to control me, my children, my marriage, shes extremely aggressive emotionally and physically abusive. She manipulates my kids against me. Tells them (ages 6-11) that she wishes i were never born. She is just the purest of evil. If I never saw her again in my life it wouldnt be too soon. I despise her and wish she would leave my life for good.

- Hate my mom

Posted 03/31/09 01:44 AM

My mother is very unreasonable at times. That is why i feel so unfair, i cant flare up at her….so im crying deep down.

- IMSAD

Posted 03/31/09 07:04 AM

I hate my mother for everything shes done to me. for being abusive physical and emotional. I hope she gets what she deserves one day. she is the devil in disguise. she will never admit to anything shes done. she would just say it was all my fault. I have so much anger and stress I dont know what to do ……help

- emptyinside

Posted 04/02/09 12:12 AM

I am 60 years old. I truly hate my mother. She was a smothering, controlling, witch who had no capacity to nurture beyond food and shelter. I was psychologically tortured by her to the point of madness. Growing up, there were times I wanted to kill myself. I was kept from creating close personal friendships, and from having normal childhood experiences like playing a musical instrument, or playing sports. As a teenager and even before I moved out (at 21) she would set unreasonable limits on curfew and who I could have as friends. I was mortified to the point that I felt I had no choice but to give up whatever friends I had. I retreated into a shell. I never really learned how to form close loving relationships, and it poisoned my first marriage, and almost destroyed my second, until I was able to sort things out. I still exhibit some craziness, but my focus is never to hurt my wife or son. I am glad to say that the three of us genuinely love one another, and it is a great feeling. My 25 year old son has always had age appropriate freedom, and he has rewarded us many times over with his personal and professional accomplishments and growth as a fine human being. As for the bi_tch who is my mother, she is now 84, and because she never took good care of herself, she is in an assisted living facility. I see that she is taken care of, not out of love, but out of some idiotic sense of obligation. Every day I hope that she dies. She still does the passive aggressive routine. Her continued existence puts limits on my life and what I can do – just like she did when I was growing up. The hatred permeates my life. If I thought I could get away with it, I’d kill her. I know that she will outlive me – it is just my rotten luck.

- Giovanni

Posted 04/02/09 08:54 AM

my mother is making me down since more then 4 years. she is very depressed and she think’s the whole wide world is here to do her harm, even her friends. she lost every friend she had, even her bf left us, he couldn’t stand it anymore. I still live with her (I’m 18), I’m going to college now and I HAVE to move away from her - or I’ll go insane. and it’s impossible to work and study at once… :( I love college, but I’m afraid I’ll have to postpone it, bc my first aim in life for now is get away from her…

- Julia

Posted 04/02/09 03:11 PM

My wonderful sister sent me this site, and I am sooo grateful! My sister, unfortunately, lives in the same city as our Mom, and I have lived out of state for a very long time. It doesn’t mean that I do not feel everything all of you do. I found my life in every single one of your comments. I am so happy that I can finally say “I hate my mother” and have other people completely understand instead of thinking I am the one who is in the wrong!

- Joanne

Posted 04/05/09 09:22 AM

Well even if you hate your mother at times she’s still your mother. but sometimes i am very angry at my mother so i get where you are coming from.

- Laura

Posted 04/05/09 12:24 PM

I will hate my mother until i die..

- catherine

Posted 04/07/09 04:28 AM

I “hate” my mother too. She always has to out-do me with my kids. If I make them something she will go out and buy something “better!” For example, I spent three weeks, every night, making my son a Super Mario hat. It is awesome. What does my mom do? She buys him the most expensive, realistic Mario hat she could find and has him open it at her house! Yes, it is possible to hate your mother when her instant gratification and self-centeredness takes the place of what is best for others.

- Tarah

Posted 04/08/09 03:08 PM

i hate my mother. sometimes i think of killing myself so i dont have to see her. i wish she would just die already

- anonymous

Posted 04/11/09 09:37 AM

i hate my mother. sometimes i think of killing myself so i dont have to see her. i wish she would just die already

- anonymous

Posted 04/11/09 09:38 AM

I hate my mom! For too many reasons

- anonymous

Posted 04/11/09 12:37 PM

I am eighteen years old, and I can say that my mother and I haven’t gotten along since I remember. To her credit, I was a difficult child, and she had me when she was only sixteen. But, I have grown up, and I have changed, though my mother never seems to acknowledge this fact. I also feel as if she resents me because of the life she felt she was forced to give up, in addition to the fact that her husband, my step-father, mind you, persued me romantically when I was only 13. Ever since then, she has been nothing but agressive and verbally abusive towards me every chance she gets. Whenever I obtain something of value, she feels the need to constantly tell me of how I do not deserve it. And, everything I do is cause for suspicion. Whenever I attempt to spend time with her, she is, at best, distant. On my end, I have to say that I do resent her. For how she has treated me, for the fact that she is still with my step-father after five years, for the way she began to treat me -like I was truly ‘the other woman’- after his advances did not cease after I told her of it and she confronted him. I am sarcastic with her, I tend to ignore what she says if it is not important, and I now do my best to stay away from her. Which is difficult, considering I am currently unable to move away from her. As it is, the situation remains unsolved. I’m not asking for advice or help. I just needed to get it out. Thank you, Stuck One

- StuckOne

Posted 04/11/09 11:56 PM

Well, before reading all these I thought I hated my mother and hated the feeling, but now I know that at least my mom is a x1000 better than what I’m hearing. Though she does gossip and does stretch the truth, she has not done any of the heinous stuff I read about on here. I guess I can safely say I’m glad to have my mother the way she is now, because I never knew how much worse it could possibly be… I’m so glad my dad actually studied all sorts of teaching and philosophy and is a devoted Christian, he has been somehow very patient with my mother and if he can do it, then I certainly can.

- Horribly Mistaken

Posted 04/13/09 07:10 AM