I Hate My Mother

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

filed under: jill spivack

She didn't beat me or lock me in a closet. I just genuinely do not like her -- and people find this hard to accept.

Guest blogger Gina: I am not close with my mother and this is a concept that people are unable and unwilling to accept. They say things like, "Well, she's your mother so you have to love her." I always think, you know there are jerks who have kids every day. And I'm sorry that's it's uncomfortable, but every now and then you are going to run into the child of one of those jerks. It was always so difficult because it was so unacceptable for me to not like my mom. People (mostly adults) stuck up for her and -- by doing that -- made me seem like I was the crazy one. It was incredibly frustrating and when you think about it, really stupid.

We asked momlogic contributor and psychotherapist Jill Spivack if it's okay to hate your mom. Here's what she said:

As the saying goes, we don't choose our family. We are all born into a set of circumstances where we don't necessarily have much control. We are born with a particular temperament and our parents have both their own temperament as well as their own life experience which, combined, made them who they were to be as people as well as our parents. For some lucky kids, their parents can be nurturing, supportive, non-judgmental, loving limit-setters and consistent and present in their lives. For others, parents can be less than perfect and sometimes really abusive, abrasive and disabling.

While there is no such thing as a "perfect parent," we are all hoping for a good enough one. But unfortunately, for some, this isn't even impossible. Their own lives and experiences have often crippled them beyond a point of return where they cannot be the kind of parent we need. Do we need to empathize with their history? Maybe. There's some degree of "anger reduction" when we understand that maybe our parents' experience was as difficult for them as they were to us.

Should we continue to allow ourselves to be treated hurtfully or abused once we are adults? NO! It's very important for adult children of "not good enough" parents to come to terms with the cards they were dealt. If they feel that an ongoing relationship with that parent will cause them ongoing damage, they need to set boundaries with that parent.

If it is impossible to set enough boundaries or the parent is especially toxic, it is sometimes necessary to disengage completely. Before this, I would ask: Is there any way to remedy/repair the situation? Does their parent have the ability to take in your needs if well explained or maybe with support from a counselor? Has the parent who made the mistakes been in therapy or trying to change or repair what they've done wrong? You really need to know who you're dealing with and the extent to which that parent is "disabled." Just like you wouldn't ask a paraplegic person in a wheelchair to get up and walk over to you, you sometimes may not be able to get a very emotionally damaged parent to change and treat you the way they should have as a child. If your parent has disappointed you beyond repair, abused you emotionally or physically, you're lucky to realize as an adult that they treated you badly and that you're going to learn to be a better parent to your own children.

Go see a therapist if you need guidance and support. Deal with your anger and disappointment and try to make conscious decisions about the way you'll be with your own children. Consciousness will save your children from experiencing a negative relationship with you. And for adult children of "not good enough parents," be sure to recognize when you're taking the pendulum too far in the opposite direction with your own kids. If your mother was, for example, emotionally neglectful, the natural tendency would be for you to overly-coddle and overstimulate your own child for fear of her experiencing the same neglect you felt. However, if you aren't careful, you can over-do that nurturing stuff -- robbing your child of normal independence and competence.

What if one of your children's friends doesn't like his/her parents? Unfortunately, that child is still under their parents' care until he's 18 years old. I would empathize and listen to the child's feelings if they are trying to talk to you about it, but this is not territory you can necessarily get involved in, unless there is extreme emotional or physical abuse. Doctors and teachers are mandated to report abuse, so if you suspect something very serious, talk to the child's doctor or teacher anonymously and let them look into the situation.

204 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

Some here may have good reason to hate their moms for child abuse. I Undestand. However, most seem to be making Mom a scapegoat for the real issues they are unwilling to face about themselves. Blaming mom is so much easier. Look for what is right with mom and you will find it. Look for what is wrong and you’ll find that. You choose.

- andy knows

Posted 06/02/09 09:01 AM

It’s easy for people who don’t experience such to say that we’re just using our moms as scapegoat for somethings that we should be blaming on ourselves. But if you were in our places, you’d understand. This is the exact reason why we can’t verbalize these true feelings for other people because we end up being judged by them for being ungrateful. Of course, we wouldn’t be here without our mothers. But it doesn’t necessarily give them the right to treat us the way they want either. We still have our own will, and we have to make our own decisions, and these decisions don;t always have to depend on whether it makes our mothers happy. Believe me, I have tried my very best to understand my mother. I’ve even argued with myself by pointing out nice things about her. However, it does not equal to how much aches I have endured and still are enduring with her. I may not be physically abused but as we know, pain could be inflicted in many ways. Treating every action or every word that comes out of you like something that came out from an ungrateful daughter is totally unfair for me. What is against her beliefs is not necessarily what is wrong, right? I hate dealing with people who are close minded and can’t be open to other opinions and actions. Sadly, that is what my mom is. She’s so full of self-pity, it disgusts me! I’m an adult but sadly, I still have to live with my parents. But I can’t wait for that day to arrive when I could finally leave this hell.

- liz

Posted 06/07/09 06:51 AM

It is true that people that do not understand this make us think we are crazy. I truly hate my mother. I read through most of these posts and feel that my mother is being described again and again. My mother is a racist(Yes, anyone other than ‘white’ Cubans, she hates), she is judgmental(is disgusted by gay people, among other groups), overly obsessed with looks(she will whear stilletto heels, a dress, and a full face of makeup to grocery shopping, and NO I am NOT exaggerating), as a child I was into sports, a tomboy, and she called me a lesbian so much that throughout high school I question my own sexuality. She would always call me and my dad and my sister stupid and unworthy, so my sister and I grew up with so may self-esteem issues. We are older now and sometimes i just feel bad for mother, she is so miserable, but she has made her own misery. She sabotages all of her relationships to the point where she is now alone. No one wants to talk to her. She has no friends, the few that she had stop talking to her, as she picks fights with everyone and then tries to make herself superior by twisting issues to support her actions. Please, those of you out there that choose not to believe that it is possible to hate, distrust, dislike et cetera, your mother, understand that it is a sad reality.

- Liz2

Posted 06/07/09 10:13 AM

Liz and Liz2 I hear and feel your pain. I had a dear friend who grew up with an alcoholic mother who inflicted the same type of harm on her. Yes, she did hate her mom. But, the majority of situations with moms aren’t of this type of abuse, they are seemly for self centered reasons some hate their moms. I believe these are the post contrary to yours they were referring to. It doesn’t diminsih your pain or situation just offers another “opinion”. May God bless you and may you become a better mom as a result of your experience however tragic. Forgive her for being the mom she is and you will set yourself free.

- karen

Posted 06/07/09 03:59 PM

Sorry Anonymous, but your comprehension of these words is just as flawed as Jen’s logic. To quote Jen directly, “I see a lot of people hate their mothers for various reasons. Some for quite petty reasons. Some for solid reasons such as physical, mental, or sexual abuse, and of course negelect.” No matter what you think the intent was, in Jen’s world there are reasons SHE JUDGED as “solid” for hating mothers and others SHE JUDGED as “petty.” Pretty it up all you want with the thoughts and words about sunshine and weeds and flowers and forgiveness, but the end result is you have a group of people here who hate their mothers for WHATEVER reason. No one should be judging/deeming ANY reason given as “solid” or “petty” or you run the risk of diminishing not only the feeling/s, but the person who has them, ergo, JUDGING. Pretty simple. More constructive to some might be a discussion not including the reasons why we hate our mothers, but the how to forgive, forget, cope, terminate the relationship or do whatever is necessary to move on and feel that sunshine, weed that garden and whatever other psychobabble currently spouted by any of the plethora of TV psychologists helps you get through the day. Call me cynical, but to me, true forgiveness/moving on/coping is rarely as easy as listening to Dr. Phil while sucking down another mocha choca latte and I also believe forgiveness is not always necessary, but a term and action too often used to make someone feel better about themselves for feelings that are considered taboo (hatred of dear old mom when one doesn’t have what your weed-free society deems as a “solid” reason), thanks again to those who judge. While I appreciate that others may feel this tremendous need to “forgive” and stop the hate/anger, I can’t say I feel the same. Oh my dear Anonymous, you too have much to learn as you inject your own personal psychology into this as well, assuming feelings of anger and hatred will destroy the person feeling them…um ok, maybe for YOU, but instead of ALLOWING those feelings to destroy me (See? It really is a matter of PERSONAL CHOICE) I have led a completely happy, incredibly successful and peaceful life. Wow! Imagine that! I feel no need to “forgive” my mother…I feel no need waste my time or energy in that

- Leigh

Posted 06/08/09 02:29 PM

Cont. I feel no need to “forgive” my mother…I feel no need waste my time or energy in that manner. My life is not going to vastly improve if I pull that hatred weed from the garden. Forgiving my mother does nothing to change her, does nothing to improve my life or give me peace…only I can do that by CHOOSING to do so. If hatred is crippling you, by all means forgive, forgive, forgive and read that advice as empty as it comes across in every post recommending that course prior to it. Walk that mile, pull that weed, forgive, forgive, forgive…me, I prefer to not allow my mother to have that much power over how I CHOOSE to feel.

- Leigh

Posted 06/08/09 02:36 PM

Wow Andy, First thanks for judging what makes for an acceptable reason for MH Mom-Hate). That is the VERY reason so many here have been able to verbalize these feelings because people like you make your judgments as to validity of feelings and reasons. I’d really like to hear what you read here that indicates the posters are using mom for a scapegoat? I have read through the posts and with very, very, very few exceptions, I see nothing but how these people have constructively used their experiences to be better parents, better people, more tolerant, more caring, more forgiving, more and better everything than their mothers. Kudos to them!!

- Leigh

Posted 06/08/09 02:58 PM

…so many here have been UNable to verbalize these feelings…

- Leigh

Posted 06/08/09 03:12 PM

Yes, there are those of us who genuinely hate our mothers. My mother has narcissistic personality disorder and munchausens by proxy. She intentionally hurt my father while he was DYING OF CANCER. If anyone out there cannot accept that you CAN HATE YOUR OWN MOTHER - then you have no clue what some people go through. Some mothers are like hamsters- they EAT THEIR YOUNG. My mother made the choice every day to be who she was - she wasn’t a victim. I grew up with her and know what it’s like to CHOOSE every day to be a good parent. Since my father died, I told my mother I wanted nothing to do with her. I meant it. If she comes near me or my child, there will be HELL to pay. I mean that. If you can’t understand HATING a parent, then you were never PHYSICALLY OR EMOTIONALLY ABUSED by someone who claimed to LOVE you. So don’t even talk about that which you don’t understand. GO TO HELL….DON’T TELL THOSE OF US WHO HAVE REALLY HORRIBLE PARENTS THAT WE DON’T HATE THEM…BECAUSE WE DO.

- Sandra Neish

Posted 06/09/09 11:28 PM

Everyone, pro or con, are entitled to their opinions on this topic - whether we agree or not. That is what love, and tolerance, is all about.

- OK

Posted 06/10/09 02:14 PM

karen - if you didn’t have an abusive parent, please keep your sermons to yourself. You and andy have NO idea what an abusive parent can do to a growing child. I saw pity in the eyes of my friend’s mothers for the way I was treated by my own - no kid should ever have to go through that. It took years of therapy just to be in the same room with mine and not be afraid I was going to be hit - even after I was in my 30’s. Sure, we grow up and move away but the abuse lasts forever unless we can afford a good therapist and that’s not even a sure thing for recovery. Those of us speaking up are struggling to overcome our handicapp - it’s very difficult. Sometimes, a safe place like this is the only vent we have - go spread your sunshine and roses somewhere else. We’ve already been patronized and chastised enough. You are insulting.

- joellen

Posted 06/11/09 03:39 PM

- joellen Sorry you view them that way. I was abused and I don’t. I see them as trying to help. Guess that’s just the difference in how we reacted to our situations. No one is better than the other, just different.

- been there

Posted 06/12/09 11:35 AM

been there - you have a more forgiving nature than I do then. good for you. I didn’t say no one is better than another, simply that someone who has never been subjected to years and years of abuse does not have the experience or feelings to truly sermonize to someone who has. I’ve had my feelings discounted for nearly a quarter of a century and it was a hard fight for me to realize my feelings DID count. I applaud you for being able to see these people in a different way. I cannot. you have clearly progressed farther than I have.

- joellen

Posted 06/12/09 05:24 PM

story of my life!

- anonymous

Posted 06/12/09 08:33 PM

Thank goodness for this article because im not alone. I also have come to realization after years of blaming myself that i hate my mother and im tired of taking blame that i do not deserve. My mother has been emotionally disabled her whole life and constantly plays the victim. She has always controlled me with guilt and always made me believe i was at fault for all her problems from her lack of social life to her divorce,etc. She pushed every single person she ever knew out of her life including her own mother because its always everyone elses fault never hers. Everyone from ex-friends to neighbors were always out to get her. I am 36 and pregnant with my first child and i waited this long to become a mother because ive been terrified that i will mess up my child the way she messed me up. I am exhausted with trying to rationalize her actions and letting go of my guilt…”ITS NOT MY FAULT HER LIFE IS SO MISERABLE ITS HERS!”

- tired

Posted 06/16/09 10:34 AM

At age 29, Ive decided to cut off all ties with my mother. Last night she actually hit me, pulled my hair and now I am sitting here in a neck brace and sprained ankle. I have tried to maintain a relationship with her but with everything that’s happened, she is better off dead than alive to me. I cannot even bring myself to say that I love her because I dont. I dont see how I can love someone who exudes so much negativity and self hate. At age 29 putting her hands on me is just unacceptable and I refuse to have her in my life. I am resolved to become a better mother to my own children but no longer will I languish in this hell anymore with her.

- G

Posted 06/20/09 01:16 PM

I don’t care what any fo you say i love my mum and i aleays will!!!! Those words you have said are mean and spiteful. You should try again and make her love you. Mine loves me and i love her too. Think about it

- Anonymous

Posted 06/20/09 03:38 PM

Dear Anonymous, I understand what you feel but what happens if you want to watch something on T.V but your mum dosnt want you too and then she tells you to go away and never come back again. She always loves my brother and i am really peed off.

- Anonymous

Posted 06/20/09 03:44 PM

Just reading through these posts helped me to cope with how I feel in regards to my mother. I hear so often that “we fight because we care” but the truth is we just don’t like each other. I keep wanting to forgive her, but enough is enough. I feel compelled to like her, and that I owe her for bringing me into this world, but I think it is time to cut my ties with her. She has been verbally abusive, overly angry and occasionally it boiled over to her throwing cereal boxes at me, or shaking me. I am all grown up now and she still acts this way torwards me. I also hear a lot that “all daughters fight with their mothers”, but I don’t think it is normal for us to fight this way. I will include that the things she gets angry with me about are huge over reactions to small things such as me breaking a glass, that remind her of bigger things that happened in her abusive past. does anyone have advice for me of how to handle this explosive situation?

- I don't know yet

Posted 07/01/09 01:10 AM

I can’t stand my mother and I’m nearly 41! I lost a well paid job and my house flooded…I had no choice but to stay with my elderly parents. I’ve been financially independent for the last 20 years. I get on alright with my father, but I had avoided seeing my mother for about a year because I just couldn’t take the emotional roller coaster that being in her presence always caused. At best she has always been indifferent to me, and at worst shown complete hatred towards me. Now we try and tolerate each other everyday and it is causing me so much anxiety and depression. She has pschitzophrenic tendencies and had to be admitted to hospital many times during my childhood. She always blamed me for destroying her career, even though she never had what anyone could call a career. She is in total denial that she ever had mental health problems, and those problems are worse than ever now. Perhaps all the ECTs destroyed her memory. She is agressive, confrontational, angry, sanctimonious, self-pitying. Worst of all, she bullies my elderly father to the point that I have been worried for his physical safety. She screams at him for not providing her with a better life. She has always seen him as having fatherly duties towards her…which is absurd in an old woman. He often describes her as evil, as she has never considered herself as part of the family. She thinks I should be “grateful” to her. She has reinvented a past for herself that does not correlate with either my memories of it, or my father’s memories of it. She hated motherhood, and has never seen me as her daughter, and thinks I should be grateful for her suffering. Its too late now, but its an extremely awkward, painful experience to be in now. I feel totally trapped. I have also been diagnosed with premature, severe psoriatic arthritis which means I am in constant pain and have mobilty problems. If I ever express my difficulties, she will trivialise them and go on about her own perceived problems. I accepted long ago that there is no love between me and my mother (no bonding) but that emotional pain doesn’t go away, especially if you are forced to face her every day. She sucks the positivity out of every situation and is not adult enough to resolve her

- S.

Posted 07/02/09 08:46 PM