I Hate My Mother

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

filed under: jill spivack

She didn't beat me or lock me in a closet. I just genuinely do not like her -- and people find this hard to accept.

Guest blogger Gina: I am not close with my mother and this is a concept that people are unable and unwilling to accept. They say things like, "Well, she's your mother so you have to love her." I always think, you know there are jerks who have kids every day. And I'm sorry that's it's uncomfortable, but every now and then you are going to run into the child of one of those jerks. It was always so difficult because it was so unacceptable for me to not like my mom. People (mostly adults) stuck up for her and -- by doing that -- made me seem like I was the crazy one. It was incredibly frustrating and when you think about it, really stupid.

We asked momlogic contributor and psychotherapist Jill Spivack if it's okay to hate your mom. Here's what she said:

As the saying goes, we don't choose our family. We are all born into a set of circumstances where we don't necessarily have much control. We are born with a particular temperament and our parents have both their own temperament as well as their own life experience which, combined, made them who they were to be as people as well as our parents. For some lucky kids, their parents can be nurturing, supportive, non-judgmental, loving limit-setters and consistent and present in their lives. For others, parents can be less than perfect and sometimes really abusive, abrasive and disabling.

While there is no such thing as a "perfect parent," we are all hoping for a good enough one. But unfortunately, for some, this isn't even impossible. Their own lives and experiences have often crippled them beyond a point of return where they cannot be the kind of parent we need. Do we need to empathize with their history? Maybe. There's some degree of "anger reduction" when we understand that maybe our parents' experience was as difficult for them as they were to us.

Should we continue to allow ourselves to be treated hurtfully or abused once we are adults? NO! It's very important for adult children of "not good enough" parents to come to terms with the cards they were dealt. If they feel that an ongoing relationship with that parent will cause them ongoing damage, they need to set boundaries with that parent.

If it is impossible to set enough boundaries or the parent is especially toxic, it is sometimes necessary to disengage completely. Before this, I would ask: Is there any way to remedy/repair the situation? Does their parent have the ability to take in your needs if well explained or maybe with support from a counselor? Has the parent who made the mistakes been in therapy or trying to change or repair what they've done wrong? You really need to know who you're dealing with and the extent to which that parent is "disabled." Just like you wouldn't ask a paraplegic person in a wheelchair to get up and walk over to you, you sometimes may not be able to get a very emotionally damaged parent to change and treat you the way they should have as a child. If your parent has disappointed you beyond repair, abused you emotionally or physically, you're lucky to realize as an adult that they treated you badly and that you're going to learn to be a better parent to your own children.

Go see a therapist if you need guidance and support. Deal with your anger and disappointment and try to make conscious decisions about the way you'll be with your own children. Consciousness will save your children from experiencing a negative relationship with you. And for adult children of "not good enough parents," be sure to recognize when you're taking the pendulum too far in the opposite direction with your own kids. If your mother was, for example, emotionally neglectful, the natural tendency would be for you to overly-coddle and overstimulate your own child for fear of her experiencing the same neglect you felt. However, if you aren't careful, you can over-do that nurturing stuff -- robbing your child of normal independence and competence.

What if one of your children's friends doesn't like his/her parents? Unfortunately, that child is still under their parents' care until he's 18 years old. I would empathize and listen to the child's feelings if they are trying to talk to you about it, but this is not territory you can necessarily get involved in, unless there is extreme emotional or physical abuse. Doctors and teachers are mandated to report abuse, so if you suspect something very serious, talk to the child's doctor or teacher anonymously and let them look into the situation.

201 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

Friday, July 3rd, I wanted to go to my mom’s home and punch her in the face. I became this angry because I feel that my mother is a kill joy in my life which is sad because you would think that the person that gave you life would want you to be successfully and do nothing but counsel you with love and sensitivity. My mom was upset because I decided to stay home and cook 4th of July dinner, and not bring what food I had to her home. I’ve been off from work since June 4th suffering from and emotional breakdown due to stress at work. I have not received any help from her in fact she asked me what I was brings to cook and it pissed me off because I feel she should have said, “Just come over and help me cook, I know you’ve been off work and things have been rough and just fellowship with family.” But instead it was all about what I could do for her. She takes and hardly gives and if she does give she asked for it back in different ways so it’s not like she ever really gives. She is quick to remind you of what she’s done for you and that when I get pissed because I feel that whatever a parent does for their child is actually what they suppose to do and they don’t get any gold medals because that what the job of a parent is and it does not end when a child becomes grown because continues through live because what was gods intent for man and it came to me when she called me intentionally trying to pick an argument to kill the joy I was experiencing at that moment. Because I had already told her earlier that day that I was cooking at home and then she calls me later and asked me why I didn’t come to her home like I owe her any explanation. She should been happy that I’m not the kind of single mother that runs the street and raises her children on McDonalds. My children are star rolls students with discipline and respect for hard work and sacrifice. I realized that she has also been a source of my pain for a long time. Having to play the role of mother and father to me she

- U4ReYa

Posted 07/07/09 03:56 PM

Having to play the role of mother and father to me she would verbally and emotionally abuse me and then not apologize like I deserved to be treated that way for not doing actually what she wanted me to do when she wanted me to do it. I haven’t spoken to her since Friday although she’s been calling. I’m currently in counseling and will give her the opportunity to come and getting a better understanding of my mental condition but I feel that while I’m trying to get help I need to separate myself from the triggers to my condition-My mother- being one of them she also needs to accept that she has the same illness and if she doesn’t wishes to change I can only change myself and change how I allow myself to communicate and be treated by her. Do I hate her, sometimes, but sometimes she is my best friend, my shoulder, my spiritual advisor, my I told you so, my mother. She had me when she was 15 she’s 49 and I feel more like the parent. My father was abusive to her and has been deceased for 10 years. Somehow in spite of her saying that she’s forgiven him for the things he did to her, like beating her until she had a miscarriage and leaving blooding to death in a bed soaked with death, while he went to do drugs and sleep with other women, or like the time he was shooting at her and she pulled me out with her-hence him shooting at us This crap and stories alike she brings incidents like that up still to this day and it make me feel bad for mourning over my father. Yea he was crappy to but when him and I would have issues he actually communicated with me and put forth the effort to change to have a better relationship with my. My mom has this I’m not changing this is me get over it attitude. I also feel that she sees so much of my father in me and my brother and she intentionally start arguments with us to provoke a fight. God Jehovah gives me strength. For these burdens I face I know Jesus’ heart was very heavy because he had the weight of the whole world with so many sick souls like mine and my mother to bear.

- U4ReYa

Posted 07/07/09 04:02 PM

I dislike my Mother also. For as long as I can remember she has been unavailable emotionally. Growing up I was sexually molested from 5 years old to 12 years old and I remember thinking that I could never tell her because I was too afraid of what she might do or say. I never could talk to her about anything and hated my teenage years because of it. I became pregnant at 15 yrs old and my mother did not speak to me for over a month. When she did communicate with me, it was non informative and hollow talk. My mother is in her own world/reality and believes what she chooses to. She is a high school dropout with 7 children and my father too. Hate is a strong word, but I know I do not like her. Put this way, if she was not my mother, I would not even want to know her. I thank GOD for being the best Mother and Father I ever had!

- Michelle

Posted 07/13/09 03:23 PM

I googled “I hate my mother” and this blog popped up. You don’t know how much it helps to know that I’m not the only one that hates their mother. She only has one way of thinking and never thinks that you are right. She was a workaholic until she retired. My grandmother lived with us and raised us until I was 16 when she passed away. Even after she passed, my mother did not take the “role” of mother and we took care of ourselves while her and my father provided for us financially. After she retired she wanted to “all of a sudden” make time for us and always be in our business. She was never close to us before, never friends with us, never explained anything to us so we knew right from wrong, only “because I said so”. I hate my mother, I hate talking to her on the phone most of the time. I rarely visit my parents because they cause me too much stress. She never understands anything. I saw a therapist because I was having a hard time getting over an ex boyfriend and come to find out all of my angst, hurt and hatred was actually for my mother, not my ex. It all stems from the feeling she has always given me.. “I’m not good enough”.

- LC

Posted 07/13/09 05:13 PM

I am starting to really have a great disdain for my mother. I already have one for my dad, and it really pains me that I am starting to really really dislike my mother. We used to be very close, but now, it is like she is a whole new peroson. one who I really don’t like. If she tries to apologize to me she say in some roundabout way “I am sorry I did that, but it was your fault.” Plus, I can’t make her happy. She says I do, but right now I trust her words as I do a used cars salesman. She is always comparing me to other people, and she actually has the nerve to bad mouth me to my entire family. It is great to know I am not the only one.

- DJM050

Posted 07/18/09 09:14 PM

I don’t know if I would use the word “hate” to describe what I feel for my mother. I think indifference would be more appropriate. I have been living in my daughter’s basement for 2 years now so that we can help each other out when needed. A few months ago my mother also moved in with us and neither I nor my daughter have been able to adjust very well. My mother is not mean at all. She just meddles a lot and tries to do things her way around here without stopping to consider anyone else. She is self-absorbed, absent minded and spends most of her time on the phone gossiping about someone. It isn’t so much that she does bad things to us, but she is lacking in character and has no personality of her own. She has no backbone and will agree with whomever she happens to be with at the moment. I cannot think of anything about her that I admire or respect. I do not feel bad or guilty about my lack of admiration for her because as far as I am concerned, popping out a few children does not automatically make a person admirable. Love is not a debt I owe to anyone, it is free and spontaneous. If I have never been able to force myself to like someone. Mother or not. Elynn

- MissElynn

Posted 07/19/09 02:40 PM

My mother is selfish, immature, aggressive, nasty, hateful, spiteful, and goes out of her way to try to make me feel inadequate, stupid, unattractive and crazy. At 50 years old, I have finally had to end all ties with her to preserve my sanity. She cannot be pleased in any way and it is not fair to me to put up with her crap. I am much happier not dealing with her.

- Cindy

Posted 07/23/09 05:09 AM

Oh, by the way, some people should not be allowed to breed.

- Cindy

Posted 07/23/09 05:14 AM

I know how you feel. I hate my mother as a person but not as a mother. As a mother she does what she has to to provide for me but if it weren’t for the fact that she birthed me I’d probably slit her throat in her sleep. So I understand where you’re coming from. It annoyed me to no END that people judged me for my feelings.

- Kayla

Posted 07/31/09 06:45 PM

We are all so sad at hating our mothers. We wish we could fix it, and have a good relationship, but we cannot fix another person. I am 40 years old and live half way around the world from my mother, but still she is the most destructive part of my life. I have been lucky to have had friends who have taught me how mothers can be towards their children - I have never learnt these things from my mother, she is toxic. It would have been better if my mother had given me away when I was born. I struggle with my hatred for her and hope and wonder if it will die when she does - what a disgusting thing to say… while visiting us she tried to deny my past. She tried telling my daughter that I am a terrible person, and convincing my husband that her truth is the only one. She said nasty and untrue things about me to my best friend. She tried to tell my mother-in-law what a terrible person I am and even my husband, who was nothing but a perfect gentleman to her. Then she made me executor of her will, but disinherited me in it! What I hated most about her was her bitterness, but now she has left me with only bitterness towards her.

- Liz

Posted 08/06/09 02:04 AM

I’m the first and last born son in my family. My mom is religous, and all her comments is related to her self-delusion. I hate religion, therefore I hate her. My stepdad told me he would kill me if I converted her to atheism. I can’t wait until I grow up so I can disconnect them from my life. Only then will I be able to become happy.

- Anonymous

Posted 08/19/09 04:13 PM

I hate my mother with a passion she is always cursing at me talking about how saved she is and then she talks about everybody else even the pastors wife who leads the choir she constantly has something to say i am so sick of her and i dont know if she should die right now if i would miss her i think i would not as long as she left money so that we can pay the bills but i feel selfish and i dont care at the same time she is very ignorant and tries to embarras you constantly i just hate her with a passion. i cant wait to move oout that is the day that i am waiting for IHATEMY MOTHER

- Sweets

Posted 08/21/09 08:52 PM

I am the product of a one-night stand, and often times when you are conceived under those circumstances the father is not present, as is the case with me. So I was raised by a single mother who moved from one boyfriend to the next. Some of her boyfriends had substance abuse problems and addictions to pornography. And her boyfriends wanted me out of the picture. My mother had a some abortions as well. Would it have killed her to buy a 10 dollar package of birth control pills? We lived in absolute filth, my mother would take in these stray dogs and cats, and not potty train them. When you walked inside our tiny trailer, it reeked of urine and feces and the carpet was rotted down to the carpet padding and loaded with toxic mold most likely. My mother was a stay-at-home mom for many years and collected welfare and foodstamps because she said childcare was too expensive and avoided working because of those expenses. Even though she was a stay-at-home mom there was never story-time, dinner time, or bath-time. When I came home from school, my mother never asked me if I had homework, and would become frustrated if I didn’t understand an assignment. If I was bullied at school my mother did not protect me, later saying that being bulled is part of life. I My mother was not abusive to me from a legal standpoint, but there was lot’s of neglect on her part. I honestly wish my mother would have given me given me up for adoption. I have trust issues and difficulty coping with the stresses of life. I know that I shouldn’t blame my mother for all my emotional problems, but she did play a huge role in shaping my negative self image. God help me.

- Shara

Posted 08/25/09 07:33 PM

i hate my mother. she’s a physically and emotionally abusive whack-job. i suspect i was conceived during one of her drunken one-night-stands. she hit me, called me names, ridiculed me, left me in a shack without food or heat at 5 years old in the middle of winter. she’s in her 70s now and needs money for food. too bad, if she starves to death it would be too good for her. she’s a fat pig with her hand out to charity, she won’t starve. i only wish i could say to her face what i think of her.

- angie

Posted 09/10/09 03:57 AM

ok well first of all you guys say you dont really hate there mother you cant speak for them everyone is diffrent like i hate my mom all she doe sis waist her money on e harmoney and everything else when she keeps pestering me about how money is so important an dhow we need food. She also gives up every single chance i call her and ask ehr to do something with me on the weekends and all she says is that im busy no how are you hunny or i love you bye or sorry i cant. She is dating this stupid pete guy and she thinks i dont know about it even though she talkes about it everyday and all i see her is on the weekends and i guess everything is more important the n her kids her record is ocming home at 3 on a sunday. my bro is getting a car soon and if we dont get one tomorrow she is getting a car 4 him (he pays) but she doenst care if its safe or not because she hates taking her kids to school that a good mom would do in a snap she always has an ecuse to not be around me I HATE HER! PLUS SHE ALWAYS LIES 2 ME ALWAYS! AN DI CANT TALKE IT ANYMORE I HT LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

- ali

Posted 09/11/09 03:23 PM

My mother is absolutely horrible. She used to tell me that she beat on her stomach when she was pregnant with me when I was only nine years old! She’s not mentall stable at all. She blames me for liking my grandparents more than her. Now they’re both dead, and she is my only family…unfortunately. She gets mad at me and breaks my things, threatens suicide, and hits herself. She’s extremely loud and agressive when she gets upset, and she never admits it when she’s wrong. She writes checks on my account, gambles away MY money, took out credit cards in my name, and lies about it. She even had me hospitalized because she thought I was going to hurt her. She’s messed up and I will love to spit on her grave as soon as I get the chance. If anything, she’s taught me nothing nut hate.

- Ann Green

Posted 09/24/09 10:22 AM

I am sooooo angry at my mother I wish she would find a place of her own and leave me alone!!!!! She is never happy about anything, never says thank you and if she has the opportunity she will remind you of all your mistakes. God why does she have to live with me!!! Only asks for favors and will never ever do any!!

- LG

Posted 09/27/09 07:58 PM

Almost done reading all the comments and would like to post again about something that should be addressed. A few say we don’t really have reasons to hate unless their is abuse involved. Isn’t mental abuse still abuse? I was slapped a few times, but for the most part it was mental abuse. When i couldn’t take it anymore I ran away. My mother threw all my clothes out my bedroom window during an ice storm. I was 14. She didn’t even look for me, it was a friend that called the police. We had to seek counseling and get this..after one meeting I got in the car with my stepdad and he offered me a ciggarette. We never went back because my mom didn’t like the shrink. Also, after the divorce I went to see a shrink with my mom and when asked how I was feeling I started bawling. My mom just sat there with her arms crossed (I will never forget that!) and let me sit in the chair and cry. She never helped me in school. Never was a part of any hobbies. Didn’t care about anything other than herself. She married a nutjob where they have both been in jail for abuse and I’ve had to spend one first day back to grade school in a battered woman’s shelter. I took piano lessons as a child and when my parents divorced she sold my piano. My life in photographs is non-existant from about 3 years old to 18. She has zero keepsakes from my childhood, wether toys or school projects. When she kicked me out at 18 she tried to make me buy my 10 year old bedroom furniture from her. She stole my clothes saying she paid for them not me. What a joke, it was child support that paid for them. She gave my brother’s exgirlfriend of like 6 months an anniversary ring my dad gave her just to spite me. She pawned off the wedding ring never asking if I would like it as a memory of my father. She used to leave canned ravioli out and tv dinners for me to fend for myself while her and her husband were out partying. She would sometimes take me with to the bars and I’d have to eat pretzels and bar peanuts for dinner. She never included me in anything. Never went on

- Anon

Posted 10/14/09 03:56 AM

MY MOTHER IS ONE OF THE HARDEST PEOPLE TO BE AROUND. SHE DONSNT LOVE ME OR CARE ABOUT ME ALL SHE WASNTS IS A DAMN PAYCHECK. IM SO SICK OF NOT MEETING HER STANDARDS, WHAT ABOUT MY FEELINGS? SHE HAS NO TIME FOR ME EVER ONLY HER OTHER “CHILDREN” AND SHE USES THE EXCUSE THAT BECAUSE OF HER I WOULDNT BE HERE, IT WASNT MY CHOICE TO BE BORN, WHY DO I HAVE TO TAKE HER! UGH THE THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO DO TO THAT WOMAN!

- Jaydee Robles

Posted 10/15/09 05:59 PM

I am posting the ones that I think makes most sense. One from the daughters point of view and another from the mothers point of view: Reading these posts has been an eye opener for me. I am amazed at the amount of hate and anger which can be directed towards one person. I too am probably the hated mother in my daughter’s life. All of her mistakes, decisions, and unhappiness of course, stem from the fact that I wasn’t a good mother. On the other hand, have years of unhappiness, frustration and disappointment in my life been her fault? After years of trying to foster a good relationship, I agree with you. Sometimes a mother daughter relationship needs to be ended. When a daughter is no longer interested in anything but inflicting pain, anger, and hate I aree with you readers, I am moving on. You name it - she has done it. You name it - I have tried it to mend this relationship. It’s time to move on. Thank you for waking me up. - amused Posted 04/19/09 10:26 AM I would like to also repost Mothers wrote that I have read… Wow! I see me in a lot of these post of those who ‘hate their moms’. I thought I did for years and found every reason to do so - even the nice things she did I “hated”. I then had one of those ‘ah ha moments’ and almost as suddenly everything changed because I changed my point of view. I realized it wasn’t my mom I hated - it was the things I had chosen to do in my life [I knew she would never do and was afraid of her disapproval] I hated. Drinking, sneaking out, having sex as a teen up a the major one being an abortion. I hated me for my choices but blamed mom because it was easier than facing me and it worked because friends and society went along with me. I even had a shrink who said it was my moms fault I did the things I did. What a croc! So watch out for being misled or misleading yourself into believing the lies. Take control and reflect on why you think you ‘hate’ and I’ll bet most of you will see what I see. Through all my hate of mom, I see now she never stopped

- Me

Posted 10/20/09 12:20 AM