Keeping Grandpa Alive

Sunday, October 26, 2008

filed under: kid logic

Guest blogger Dani Klein Modisett: Next week it will be seven years that my husband Todd and I have been married, almost nine years since we met. And in May, it will be 13 years that my father is gone.

Obviously, I don't mean he left for a quart of milk and never came back. I mean deceased. With minor calculations you can see that he died long before meeting the most significant people in my life: Todd and our two sons.

My father was born in Philadelphia and lived the majority of his life in New York City. He loved Bialys -- basically flat bagels with no hole and chock full of onions. On the anniversary of his death every year I buy half a dozen Bialys and throw them in the nearest body of water. Usually, the Pacific. My five-year-old has gone with me for this ritual every year of his life. His grandmother on my husband's side is also dead so we throw a few in for her too. We drive to the beach and toss the bread into the choppy water, saying hello to Grandpa Vic's and Grandma Diane's spirits. Gabriel usually says something like, "Sorry you died," and then I say, "Me too," and then we watch the seagulls fly away with their unexpected treasure.

I don't talk about my father that often with the kids (or to anyone for that matter). I worry that, for me, death (and thoughts about it), have a magnetic pull on my mind. Once I start thinking about it, it becomes very hard for me to stop. Plus, it's still very sad to me that my father never met my wonderful husband and my little boys. Sounds horribly cliché, but he would have loved them so much.

When I do bring up Grandpa Vic, though, Gabriel always says, "Oh I know him, Mom. H liked those funny bagels."

Hopefully when we are both more mature, I will figure out how to share more about my Dad with him. Because he also really liked to laugh, just like Gabriel.

6 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

HELLO, SORRY ABOUT YOUR LOSS AND HOPE YOU SOON FIND A WAY TO SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ABOUT YOUR FATHER WITH YOUR SONS. WHEN YOU CAN SHARE STORIES ABOUT YOUR LIFE, GROWING UP, AND HOW MUCH YOU LOVED HIM, IT WILL HELP YOU HEAL AND GIVE YOUR SONS A SENSE OF WHO HE WAS AND HELP YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH HE STILL IS A BIG PART OF ALL YOUR LIVES. THANKS FOR SHARING YOUR STORY, HOPE IT HELPS SOMEONE ELSE AS WELL.

- CHERYLEE

Posted 10/26/08 10:49 AM

Your story made me cry. I can’t imagine losing my daddy at such a young age. He’s my hero. This past June I lost my grandpa. We had a special bond because our birthday is the same day, November 1. So my husband and 2 kids are going down to the town where my grandma and the rest of my family live and we’re going to celebrate OUR birthday. I just found out yesterday that his headstone came in and we are going to go put it and his ashes in the ground on that day and my grandma is going to let us throw some of his ashes in the Illinois river off of the bridge that was named for my grandpas family. It will be a bittersweet day.

- ashley

Posted 10/26/08 10:55 AM

Thank you so much for sharing this. I lost my mother 5 years ago, she was my world. I remember being surprised the day after her death when the sun came up, and life went on… because I never thought it could without her. Five years later I have a wonderful 1 year old little girl. While my mother in law is in her life as a grandmother, I struggle with how I will be able to make my mother real to my daughter, how her grandmother would have adored her, and how much she still means to me.

- Katie

Posted 10/26/08 06:44 PM

I am sorry for your loss! I understand how you feel though. My father died in 2001-before 3 of my 4 children were born. I miss him so much. I still can’t believe he isn’t ever going to see my boys. He was in the Navy so I just tell myself he is away on a ship and I will deal with it later. But what makes me really mad is that my father-in law died in 2005. He died one month before my 3rd son was born. Now I have 4 boys and they will never know the joy of going to Grandpas or fishing with Grandpa. It really isn’t fair. It still breaks my heart.

- Anonymous

Posted 10/27/08 09:24 AM

I keep waiting for the day that I can talk to my 5-year-old about my dad; I can’t even think about him without tearing up. The overwhelming feeling of sadness and loss hasn’t eased up over the years (he died 5 years ago this week). I feel so angry that he never met my 1-year-old son, and he never got to see the hilarious girl my 5-year-old has become (she was six months old when he died). I feel cheated for me and for my kids and my niece and nephew, but I have lots of memories that I hope to pass along to my kids, and I gave his name to my son in hopes that his memory will last long after I’m gone.

- Barb

Posted 10/27/08 11:29 AM

My father too passed when I was young(11) and I keep him very much alive. My daughter knows so much about him. We have several talks about him. She even asks to go see him and bring him things. She is named after him and were both very much like him. My father is not dead. He lives in me and my daughter and hopefully her kids and grand kids too. He was a wonderful man and no one will ever forget that. There will always be plenty of stories shared and I have tons of his things including a painting he did in my living room as a main focal point. His things are all over the my home. We all love him. He will never be forgotten.

- Nicole

Posted 03/26/09 10:53 PM