To Maggie and Jake G: 'I Know How You Feel!'

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To Maggie and Jake G: 'I Know How You Feel!'

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Guest blogger Shelley: I was 22 years old on January 1, 2002 and excited for a great new year -- I sat in my dad's car driving to lunch, and as I reached for the radio dial, he pushed my hand away to tell me he was leaving my mother.

This day is burned in my brain. I remember the gray sweater and jeans I was wearing, how my stomach ached and seeing my mother cry on the same couch where our family used to sit watching movies and laughing -- all throughout my happy childhood in which my parents seemingly loved each other, didn't fight and in which no one (including my mother) saw this coming.

I try not to think about that day, and I never talk about it. However, when I read the In Touch Weekly article that Naomi Foner Gyllenhaal and Stephen Gyllenhaal (parents of actors Jake and Maggie) are splitting up after over 20 years of marriage, I felt the need to speak out on behalf of adult children in these situations. I know Maggie and Jake feel alone, scared and blindsided. I want to assure them that although life will never be the same if your parents end up divorcing, time will make it easier. It sounds cliche, but it is true.

In the short term, everything is going to suck, mostly in ways you can already guess. One parent feels betrayed if you spend time with the other, although they'll tell you it's fine. Holidays become a balancing act, and the dinner table always feels like it's missing a person. There are also the obvious issues that arise once one parent starts dating. My father remarried within a year, which is a whole other post.

Divorce also affects adult children in ways that no one warned me about. I didn't know that I'd have to wonder whether my family life had been a lie. Do I now model what I think a family structure should be based on a dysfunctional relationship? How can I be expected in my 20s to embrace a stepmother? How do I react hearing my dad and his new wife traveled to Europe while my mom struggles to pay her mortgage? Why am I fighting all the time with a parent who I used to be so close with?

I'm secretly jealous of kids whose parents split while they were young. I can't imagine how awful it must be to endure custody battles or moving in with a step family. It's just that kids don't know any different -- kids don't overanalyze while packing up their childhood home that now is too expensive for one parent to own. Kids don't feel guilty speaking to their father who may or may not have had an affair. Kids don't worry about planning a wedding of their own where their parents would have to be in the same room. Kids have time to work though these issues before they're ready to start their own families.

I'm one of the lucky ones. I have two parents who love me and try to act civil for my benefit. It's starting to get easier. But I still mourn the death of the family life I once had.

I get very angry when I hear about couples staying together for their kids. If you're unhappy in your marriage, get out now. You're not doing your children any favors. In fact, you're just ensuring they'll grow up to be confused and insecure adults.

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Naomi Gyllenhaal and Stephen Gyllenhaal are separated for a long time, the worst is behind them.

- Perez and rags

Posted 10/08/08 07:40 PM

… after over 30 years of marriage.

- Perez and rags

Posted 10/08/08 07:47 PM

Mmmhh I could not at all agree with the statement the writer is jealous of people who parents split when they were young, not at all. I was 4, and I don’t believe it was explained to me at all. I remember weeping on my parents bed, not understanding it at all. it was the 1970s and in Ireland and let me tell you, I was the only child in my class whose parents were not together. My childhood was spent hoping and praying they would get back together and I could have a mum and dad at home like all my other friends. All those things you describe I had them, knowing what to say and not to say to each parent, feeling guilty, lying. The fights over us, us being used as pawns in their battles with each other. All the situations you mentioned I dealt with as a child, forgive me if I don’t buy into its hard as an adult, harder than for a child. Please. How does a child make sense of all that, adults can more. I’m sure it hurt but come on. I grew up knowing things I shouldn’t have, experienced things I shouldnt have and felt the guilt you wrote about. You cannot tell me that is easier for a child than a grown-up, cos thats what you were, and I beg to differ that kids don’t know any better. Thats a mad sweeping statement with little basis in reality. As an adult you have to, or should at least be starting to see your parents more as people rather than just your parent. And sometimes marriages break up. In your 20s you are a grown-up, have possibly left home, maybe starting a family of your own. There is no way parents splitting up will have the same effect as having your home and family life pulled out from under you as a child. You had your full family as a child and growing up, which is more than I did, so still feeling jealous? Cos I know I would be jealous that you had that.

- redmum

Posted 10/09/08 10:08 AM

my parents divorced when i was 30, and it was awful. it really is rough on adult kids, people never talk about it, but it is hard on adults too.

- anna4876

Posted 10/09/08 06:22 PM

Thank you for sharing this story and bringing it out in the open. It’s amazing how nobody talks about how rough it is for adults. It’s like a forgotten group of people when it comes to divorce. it is still very emotional and rough. I feel like there are books and discussion groups and therapist all for children of divorce parents and not one thing for adults.

- Jlb

Posted 10/14/08 01:16 AM

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