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10 Tricks for Moms to Avoid Sex

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Forget the cliche "Not tonight honey, I have a headache" excuse for getting out of doing the deed.
 

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Like it or not, when you have kids, sex often takes a back seat to other items on our "to do" lists. When it comes down to it, given the option of "getting it on" or house cleaning (so we're not forced to outfit the family in protective Hazmat suits) -- we choose the latter. Heck, we only have a limited amount of time, something's gotta give.

Often, we moms end up going through the motions. Recently our post "What Moms Think About During Sex" made it clear just how tired and distracted many of us can be while fulfilling our "wifely duties." How do we get into that (missionary) position in the first place? Tired old avoidance ploys like "Not tonight honey, I have a headache," simply don't work anymore -- especially with the invention of Advil.

Here are some handy ways to get out of "doing it" -- if you just can't fit sex into your schedule.

1) Baby Monitor Switch-a-Roo: During the day, switch the baby monitor so it amplifies your bedroom instead of your infant's.  When your husband makes a play, whisper loudly "I don't want to wake the baby!" Bingo.

2) Toy with his affections. When you're cleaning up your kid's room, gather all the toys and throw them under the comforter of your bed. Nothing can change the mood like a Thomas the Train engine lodged into your lower back.

3)  Pull a "Duggar": When you husband tries to initiate sex, enthusiastically say "Yes! Let's make another baby TONIGHT!!"

4) "Change" the subject:  When he grabs you in the hall, say  "Sorry, sweetie, I just changed a poo diaper and haven't washed my hands."

5) Update "headache" with an exotic malady. Try, "Not tonight honey, I have Acute Disseminated Encephalomyelitis Elephantiasis."  While he's looking that one up on the Internet, you can get back to packing the kids's lunches.

6) Slip into something more uncomfortable. Before you go to bed, put on every item of clothing you've ever owned. He's tired too -- he'll fall asleep trying to undo the knots of your multiple Gunnysack dresses.
  
7) The BIG Order:  Tell your man you'd be delighted to have sex with him. You just have one tiny request:  He guarantees you'll have at least three mind blowing orgasms in the process. Ah, sweet sleep.

8) White teeth AND sleep: Invest in some tooth whitening trays. An hour before going to bed, pop them in your mouth. When he tries to kiss you, he'll get a mouth full of plastic and carbamide peroxide. Mmm, sexy.

9) Mood-killing role play:  Tell him you're interested in trying out some role playing. He dresses up in a French maid costume that you supply. Plus, does he mind if you videotape it?

And when all else fails:

10) Barter for Chores:  Tell him in exchange for letting you sleep instead of sex, you'll change ten diapers in row. Your guy's no dummy. You'll be off to Dozy Land in no time.


next: Another 'Extreme Makeover' Winner Loses Home
62 comments so far | Post a comment now
Jessica (from It's my life...) October 6, 2008, 6:18 PM

The problem with #1 is that you’ve now traded caring for a grown-up for more baby care… so that clearly doesn’t work. :-)
However I’d consider changing #10 to sex in exchange for 10 diaper changes… Now you might be onto something!

a. October 6, 2008, 6:36 PM

the headache one doesn’t work anyway, as sex helps to make them go away.
most of these “excuses” are lame anyway… just say you don’t feel like it and will make it up to him later.

shanna October 6, 2008, 7:49 PM

Seriously, why don’t men realize how sexy it is for them to help out around the house…unsolicited? If my guy would just take out the trash, walk the dog, put something away (that’s not an empty carcus of a container)…I’d do him in the kitchen!

a male perspective October 7, 2008, 1:26 AM

If you know of any single women who are lamenting over the reluctance of men to get married, just point them to this web page article, and they will fully understand. Too many women view men as nothing more than a life support system for a bank account. Sex after marriage is simply for making babies, not for continuing the behavior that kept the man interested in the women before the “I do” vows were exchanged. So many women are just scam-artists.

ashley October 7, 2008, 7:18 AM

I like #4 & #8. I just can’t just automatically be in the mood. He has to do something to turn me on or I just don’t feel like doing it. Just rubbing my back sometimes does it. But when we do do it, thank goodness it doesn’t last long:)

Trina October 7, 2008, 9:36 AM

wow. i don’t have to make an excuse if i don’t want it…..a neither does my husband. sometimes people are too tired. how would you feel if your husband felt it was a “husbandly duty” to have sex with you! why do you treat it as if it is a chore?? i feel bad for your husbands. i love my husband SO much and love making love to him, and NEVER would see it as a “wifely duty” it is part of being in love. yeah, once you have children it slows down a bit, but come on!!!!!

Stef October 7, 2008, 10:45 AM

Just let out a big ole fart, that’ll kill the mood!!!

chrissie October 7, 2008, 4:31 PM

WOW… those are some of the worst excuses that I’ve ever heard. I’ve been married for 15 years and with my husband for 19 and all I can say is that sex get better all the time. Even if I’m not really in the mood, I’ll still do it because usually it doesn’t take long to get in the mood once it gets started.

KarenSamuels October 7, 2008, 4:58 PM

these are just too silly. LOL on #1

Anna October 7, 2008, 8:55 PM

Haha, I love #9 can you say rocky horror?

not all women are selfish prudes October 9, 2008, 1:28 AM

i hate articles like this that perpetuate the idea that the majority of women dislike sex. in my marriage, and many of my friends’ marriages, it’s the opposite; the woman has a way higher sex drive than the man.

even more than that, i don’t like the idea that sex is a bartering tool. it’s a beautiful thing that should be respected, not done out of obligation or manipulation.

i know this article is intended to be funny, but i’m just not amused. no wonder some men call their wives “ball and chain”

geen October 10, 2008, 3:22 PM

ugh, I agree with ‘not all women are selfish prudes’. I am just about done with this website, there are too many articles like this! And its not just this article, its all those ‘what to do to keep your man’ and ‘he’s sleeping with someone else because you are doing—wrong’ articles. Stop making women seem this way, no wonder guys give us such a bad rap. My guy and I are married, have a child and have stressful lives. Would we give up our sex life or make excuses not to do it? No way! If you need to make excuses for not doing it, then ya got some issues.

e October 18, 2008, 2:25 AM

this is just sick.. no wonder the divorce rate is over 50%.. people need an attitude check and need to get over themselves.. ALL of the articles on here have the same underlying theme, and then you wonder why you’re marriage sucks?

Linda October 22, 2008, 11:05 AM

I can honestly say its all in your mind I have Two kids 5 and 2 and is a stay at hom mom and wife. My man drives me crazy no matter how not in the mood or how exausted I am. He changes my mood instantly. I cant help but get all he wants

q November 21, 2008, 7:38 AM

wow, the author of this article sounds like a terrible wife. how hard is it to have sex? really? it lasts on average 3 minutes. is that too much to give your man? would you prefer he masturbate, get happy endings at massages, or worse, cheat on you? what’s giving up 3 minutes of your precious, prudish, tight-assed versus losing your husband to someone who actually puts out.

as a married man, all I can say is, what a terrible wife.

matt February 24, 2009, 1:38 PM

im looking forward to never getting married!

Inquisitr February 24, 2009, 1:47 PM

Your article disgusts me, and the fact that people think they should follwo it disgust me to.

how about this one

“talk to your husband because despite what women like to think not all men are morons, and if you talk to us maybe we’ll understand”

OR they can follow your advice and continue to be liars that are destroying thier own marridge.

I hope the author loses her man because of all this lying. I’d like to wish more on you, but I won’t.

joe February 24, 2009, 1:57 PM

Pull this stuff too much and welcome to single motherhood!


Shaze February 24, 2009, 2:54 PM

I hope you all end up divorced, lonely and fat. What happened to truth and honesty in a relationship, or how about taking care of each other.

You people make me sick.

Robby February 24, 2009, 3:11 PM

11) Get a divorce.

Seriously, if you can’t be honest with your husband about sex, or if the thought of sleeping with him is worse than changing the next 10 diapers in a row, you should probably rethink your marriage. Or at the very least get counseling.


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