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10 Tricks for Moms to Avoid Sex

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Forget the cliche "Not tonight honey, I have a headache" excuse for getting out of doing the deed.
 

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Like it or not, when you have kids, sex often takes a back seat to other items on our "to do" lists. When it comes down to it, given the option of "getting it on" or house cleaning (so we're not forced to outfit the family in protective Hazmat suits) -- we choose the latter. Heck, we only have a limited amount of time, something's gotta give.

Often, we moms end up going through the motions. Recently our post "What Moms Think About During Sex" made it clear just how tired and distracted many of us can be while fulfilling our "wifely duties." How do we get into that (missionary) position in the first place? Tired old avoidance ploys like "Not tonight honey, I have a headache," simply don't work anymore -- especially with the invention of Advil.

Here are some handy ways to get out of "doing it" -- if you just can't fit sex into your schedule.

1) Baby Monitor Switch-a-Roo: During the day, switch the baby monitor so it amplifies your bedroom instead of your infant's.  When your husband makes a play, whisper loudly "I don't want to wake the baby!" Bingo.

2) Toy with his affections. When you're cleaning up your kid's room, gather all the toys and throw them under the comforter of your bed. Nothing can change the mood like a Thomas the Train engine lodged into your lower back.

3)  Pull a "Duggar": When you husband tries to initiate sex, enthusiastically say "Yes! Let's make another baby TONIGHT!!"

4) "Change" the subject:  When he grabs you in the hall, say  "Sorry, sweetie, I just changed a poo diaper and haven't washed my hands."

5) Update "headache" with an exotic malady. Try, "Not tonight honey, I have Acute Disseminated Encephalomyelitis Elephantiasis."  While he's looking that one up on the Internet, you can get back to packing the kids's lunches.

6) Slip into something more uncomfortable. Before you go to bed, put on every item of clothing you've ever owned. He's tired too -- he'll fall asleep trying to undo the knots of your multiple Gunnysack dresses.
  
7) The BIG Order:  Tell your man you'd be delighted to have sex with him. You just have one tiny request:  He guarantees you'll have at least three mind blowing orgasms in the process. Ah, sweet sleep.

8) White teeth AND sleep: Invest in some tooth whitening trays. An hour before going to bed, pop them in your mouth. When he tries to kiss you, he'll get a mouth full of plastic and carbamide peroxide. Mmm, sexy.

9) Mood-killing role play:  Tell him you're interested in trying out some role playing. He dresses up in a French maid costume that you supply. Plus, does he mind if you videotape it?

And when all else fails:

10) Barter for Chores:  Tell him in exchange for letting you sleep instead of sex, you'll change ten diapers in row. Your guy's no dummy. You'll be off to Dozy Land in no time.


next: Another 'Extreme Makeover' Winner Loses Home
62 comments so far | Post a comment now
disgusted February 24, 2009, 3:23 PM

It’s irresponsible to recommend subterfuge as a way to deal with issues in a relationship. Shame on you. What’s next, how to lie to your husband about sleeping with your boss? What kind of mother will you make if this is the example that you set? Does that even cross your mind?

relax the f-up February 24, 2009, 3:57 PM

umm.. i think it’s a joke:

“Not tonight honey, I have Acute Disseminated Encephalomyelitis Elephantiasis.” While he’s looking that one up on the Internet, you can get back to packing the kids’s lunches.

Rebecca February 24, 2009, 4:47 PM

Even if this was meant as a joke, it is in poor taste.

Loss of sex drive can be a symptom of a more severe underlying cause, post partum depression, diabetes, high blood pressure, exhaustion, just to name a few.

Looking at your articles, you seem to give the impression that loss of sex drive after marriage and kids is normal, which it can be. But it could also be something more severe.

There’s already too much bad information out there, so rather than make it a joke, how about articles that can help a woman’s health, and let them know that their sexuality is important to their health and their relationship?

Xen February 24, 2009, 4:56 PM

With suggestions like these it is no wonder the prostitution industry does so well.

Tony February 24, 2009, 6:24 PM

This is lame. If you don’t wanna shag, just be honest and say, “I don’t feel like it.” Unless the sex avoidance occurs daily, it’s not a problem. Sometimes guys *gasp* don’t feel like getting it on either.

joel February 24, 2009, 7:11 PM

how about you just put out, it is probably the only thing he still likes about you

Daryl February 24, 2009, 9:16 PM

If any woman followed this list. They should not be surprised when their man finds another woman to have the very sex with that they don’t want to have so badly. I mean, it is like so many comedians have said “if you won’t do it, then there is another woman who will”.

Jedediah February 24, 2009, 11:33 PM

I have four kids and I can tell you, I love my kids. But after getting married and popping out that first kid? She’s interested in the kids, the gym, and what her friends think. Oh, and shopping. And I’d like to say, I work hard, I do not golf, do not watch TV sports, do the dishes, make dinner three or more nights a week and frequently go solo with the kids while she is out of town visiting friends or for “work” doing sales work that nets us about fifty cents on the dollar. So I like to think I am a pretty supportive guy. but guys, I am here to tell you. Do not get married. the average American woman views you as a bank and sperm donor. Nothing more. and remember, most guys age a helluva lot better than women do….

Signed: Been there done that, and she got the T shirt.

SesshoumarusGirl February 24, 2009, 11:45 PM

Instead of playing these childish games . . how about just being honest? Or “Making” time for it?

Aluna February 25, 2009, 8:46 AM

WTF is that all about??? We’ve got two kids here and we still hit it five days out of seven. I can’t be a loving mom if I’m feeling sad, solitary, and stressed out from a lack of loving attention from my partner.

Sex is the time that healthy couples use to bond with each other, express love, forge a deeper commitment, share on an emotional and spiritual level, and create mutual pleasure.

If a person doesn’t “have time” for that, then I’d suggest that their time-management skills and personal priorities are deeply, deeply messed up. Physically or psychologically, something is very very wrong and teaching better strategies for avoidance is only going to perpetrate that!

Sadly, I’m picturing an army of soulless parents who will never be able to model a healthy and loving relationship because their attention is devoted to making sure Little Timmy gets to his soccer practice and Little Tina practices piano for three hours a day.

Majik Sznak February 25, 2009, 11:37 AM

Isn’t it just less effort to come out and say “honey, please go cheat on me?”

Good Husband February 25, 2009, 1:04 PM

Ok. This is ridiculous. Shouldn’t you be promoting healthy marriages and sexual relationships?!? My wife and I have had two small children with the flu this week.and guess what… We even fit in some slap and tickle. We still found time and energy to squeeze a few foreplay perks in throughout the day. It adds to the thrill once the kids get to sleep. I love my wife(really) and she loves me(really).

Patricia February 25, 2009, 4:37 PM

This is a horrible article. Anyone seriously contemplating using any of these lies should seek counciling.

Mari February 26, 2009, 3:32 PM

What? How about 10 excuses to have more sex? I have to agree with Joe. Rather than learning how to get out of sex, learn to have BETTER sex, you’ll then want more.

Mari February 26, 2009, 3:49 PM

P.S. If your hubby isn’t getting it at least 5 times a week, with no less than 6 BJ’s in between, then you have some work to do. Nothing makes a marriage work better than random BJ’s around the house. It always leads to kisses and a happpy wife.

Kim February 27, 2009, 6:04 PM

This website is making it so much easier for me to show people why I LOVE being childfree!!

I get to have LOTS of sex (which I actually get to enjoy) and I don’t have to lie to my husband :D

Disgusted February 28, 2009, 12:41 PM

Right - good plan. Your husband should just shut up, roll over, and continue to bring home that paycheck. His pathetic attempt to maintain some illusion of intimacy and passion in the relationship should be dismissed whenever possible as just another tiresome chore for you. At least you’ll have the smug satisfaction that you expended minimal effort to save your failed married after he inevitably becomes tired of your selfishness and leaves you.




colin March 2, 2009, 6:57 AM

you breeders have a funny sense of humor. i bet these all work.

William March 24, 2009, 8:58 AM

Come on women…And they wonder what happened when he goes somewhere else for it?

Tabitha April 4, 2009, 12:16 PM

Any man who comes to this website will never want to get married. As a woman I am astonished by this article. How awful. Why would you want to marry a man you don’t enjoy sex with? I know people get tired but come on. I hope your husband does not see this. If your sex life is truly this uninspiring I am sure you and your husband can fix it and your efforts could be fun. Sex makes you happier, more relaxed, more energetic and you will sleep better. If it doesn’t feel good there are subtle and easy ways to tell him what does. Love your husband or you’ll end up a single mother.


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