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10 Tricks for Moms to Avoid Sex

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Forget the cliche "Not tonight honey, I have a headache" excuse for getting out of doing the deed.
 

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Like it or not, when you have kids, sex often takes a back seat to other items on our "to do" lists. When it comes down to it, given the option of "getting it on" or house cleaning (so we're not forced to outfit the family in protective Hazmat suits) -- we choose the latter. Heck, we only have a limited amount of time, something's gotta give.

Often, we moms end up going through the motions. Recently our post "What Moms Think About During Sex" made it clear just how tired and distracted many of us can be while fulfilling our "wifely duties." How do we get into that (missionary) position in the first place? Tired old avoidance ploys like "Not tonight honey, I have a headache," simply don't work anymore -- especially with the invention of Advil.

Here are some handy ways to get out of "doing it" -- if you just can't fit sex into your schedule.

1) Baby Monitor Switch-a-Roo: During the day, switch the baby monitor so it amplifies your bedroom instead of your infant's.  When your husband makes a play, whisper loudly "I don't want to wake the baby!" Bingo.

2) Toy with his affections. When you're cleaning up your kid's room, gather all the toys and throw them under the comforter of your bed. Nothing can change the mood like a Thomas the Train engine lodged into your lower back.

3)  Pull a "Duggar": When you husband tries to initiate sex, enthusiastically say "Yes! Let's make another baby TONIGHT!!"

4) "Change" the subject:  When he grabs you in the hall, say  "Sorry, sweetie, I just changed a poo diaper and haven't washed my hands."

5) Update "headache" with an exotic malady. Try, "Not tonight honey, I have Acute Disseminated Encephalomyelitis Elephantiasis."  While he's looking that one up on the Internet, you can get back to packing the kids's lunches.

6) Slip into something more uncomfortable. Before you go to bed, put on every item of clothing you've ever owned. He's tired too -- he'll fall asleep trying to undo the knots of your multiple Gunnysack dresses.
  
7) The BIG Order:  Tell your man you'd be delighted to have sex with him. You just have one tiny request:  He guarantees you'll have at least three mind blowing orgasms in the process. Ah, sweet sleep.

8) White teeth AND sleep: Invest in some tooth whitening trays. An hour before going to bed, pop them in your mouth. When he tries to kiss you, he'll get a mouth full of plastic and carbamide peroxide. Mmm, sexy.

9) Mood-killing role play:  Tell him you're interested in trying out some role playing. He dresses up in a French maid costume that you supply. Plus, does he mind if you videotape it?

And when all else fails:

10) Barter for Chores:  Tell him in exchange for letting you sleep instead of sex, you'll change ten diapers in row. Your guy's no dummy. You'll be off to Dozy Land in no time.


next: Another 'Extreme Makeover' Winner Loses Home
62 comments so far | Post a comment now
Withheld April 16, 2009, 2:35 PM

This is PATHETIC quit writing garbage.

Jim April 25, 2009, 1:16 AM

Any woman that buys into this tripe has no business in a marriage … or relationship. A physical connection creates a deep emotional bond that is shared uniquely between two people. You might also Google the term “alienation of affection” to learn that this is actually a type of mental abuse.

If my wife incorporated this into our life you can bet that SHE will be the only one not having sex. In fact, she’ll end up divorced and I’ll end up bangin’ her friends …

whowrotethishaha May 12, 2009, 3:26 AM

Haha yeah what a terrible article for getting any sort of point across whatsoever. I’m happily childfree and things like this make me realize why people have been shunning each other as human beings more and more lately…do people really do this sick crap? I love all the dissent in these comments. The author must hate her husband and want a divorce. I wonder when the ‘I got cheated on!’ article is going to go up.

Maria May 26, 2009, 9:03 AM

Seriously, why are you married? Is it for the money or status or some other equally bad reason? If you feel ill or extremely tired once in a while, and your man doesn’t get it, he is a jerk and you should leave him. However, even if I was really tired, I’d still spread my legs for him if he needed it. Kind of like if I was very tired, but he came from work extremely upset and needed to talk about his day, I’d force myself awake and listen. Not because it’s a duty, but because… come on, this is your friend, someone you really care about.

rich  May 26, 2009, 9:54 AM

really…lets start tricking our husbands…who the hell writes this drivel?

Jay October 5, 2009, 1:18 PM

If your man goes straight for penetration, no wonder you ladies are jaded. Ladies, jump in the tub, shave..shave..shave, and you man will do other things that you probably like better anyway ;-)

Random Father October 8, 2009, 5:52 PM

I would ditch the woman that wrote this in a hearbeat. She is obviously a bitter, pathetic excuse for a woman!

Chris January 6, 2010, 5:25 AM

What’s logic about this article? Why not just tell your man “I don’t want to have sex tonight”?
Is it that hard? Are you sharing your life with Ussama Bin Ladin?
Good luck to you. What’s you’re next article? 10 tricks to avoid taking off your burka at home?

Get lost
Chris

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Anonymous July 5, 2010, 5:36 AM

The article is written by a comedian. Luckily, the replies from the ladies has restored my faith in marriage.

implanty dentystyczne July 11, 2010, 7:48 PM

Great site and nice text.

white smile September 1, 2010, 7:55 PM

Such an informative site thanks for this information.

Annie September 3, 2010, 7:56 AM

Wow. Being a mom is sad. How can you ladies really not want to have sex with your husband so much so that you need to make excuses?!

I married my husband because I love him and love having sex with him. You ladies probably got married so you could start a family. So sad.

It’s not your husband’s lack of help around that house that is killing the mood, it’s your kids and mommy body.

Buy US Facebook Fans December 7, 2010, 6:15 PM

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Dakota Redding December 7, 2010, 6:23 PM

The customer is always right

Unimpressed With the Idiocy December 28, 2010, 7:21 PM

Really? WOW, you’re a selfish thing, aren’t you?

I mean, /seriously/, if your husband did these things every time you wanted to talk to him, you’d be pretty offended, wouldn’t you. But somehow, it’s perfectly okay to do these things because you cannot give your husband sex for five minutes.

Please don’t whine later on about how your relationship went downhill, people — the rest of us will simply point to this article to remind you of how childish you were.

If you’re really too tired to have sex that night, say, “Honey, I’m really very tired and need some sleep. How about we hire a babysitter for this Friday and get it on then?”

Most men are reasonable sorts — they’ll understand and agree to that. Also, if you need help with housework, you need to ask them. “Hon, I’d appreciate it if you did x, y, and z.” Don’t jump on him the second he walks in the door. Give him half an hour, then ask, nicely. Make a point of appreciating what he does outside the home. Or hey, here’s an idea, arrange it so that he knows he needs to do these four things every day when he gets home to make it easier on you. And you do these four things every day for him. Because reciprocation often gets you results where childishness like the above article gets you divorced.

But anyway…

Jim January 17, 2011, 6:20 PM

Why not just title the article “10 Tricks for moms to drive their husbands into an affair?” I agree with the majority of the posters here. Barter? I already had that conversation … I spent the next month doing evey chore unsolicited, but you know what? she found an excuse anyway. Didn’t do it right … “clean” till 2 a.m. when she knows I have an early meeting. Wake up ladies — the relationship begins and ends with the parents. If it’s ok for the wife to avoid sex, is it ok for the husband to go find it somewhere else?

Copper February 4, 2011, 10:37 AM

You know what… if sex with the father of your children is a “chore,” maybe you shouldn’t be married to/living with this person.

Mr Man of Manliness March 4, 2011, 3:20 AM

Utter drivel

Be Careful What You Wish For March 16, 2011, 7:59 PM

A Cautionary Tale

Early in life, women have the sexual advantage: youthful beauty, an abundance of over-sexed males at their relatively-early sexual peaks.

Reality is harsh though, and this era draws to a close for most women. This realization is often crushing for middle aged women who’ve grown accustomed to limitless, effortless sexual availability.

That’s right ladies: There will be a day when men stop turning their heads for you, stop approaching you, stop pursuing you, and there will be a day when few men will want to bed you, even if you ask them to. That day comes earlier for some women than it does for others.

Those women who define themselves most by their seductiveness are usually hit the hardest by this irreversible transition.

The cruelest joke is that, while men reach their sexual peak early and significantly fall off after 25, most women peak much much later in life and never experience the drastic reduction in desire men do.

I should know. I, as an attractive young professional, regularly enjoy the company of older women, often ignored and left unsatisfied by their husbands (or divorced) for years. Knowing full well that their glory days are forever behind them and bewildered and overcome by my youthful attention to them, *they* buy *me* drinks and entertain me (and thank me for the privilege all the while, too). I provide them the intimate affection and companionship they crave so deeply that have been absent for so long.

Think carefully, ladies. You may come to regret the easy sexual attention you so casually shrug off today, in your relative youth. That kind of attention will become far scarcer (and more expensive) as you age.


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