10 Tricks for Moms to Avoid Sex
Monday, October 6, 2008
Forget the cliche "Not tonight honey, I have a headache" excuse for getting out of doing the deed.
Like it or not, when you have kids, sex often takes a back seat to other items on our "to do" lists. When it comes down to it, given the option of "getting it on" or house cleaning (so we're not forced to outfit the family in protective Hazmat suits) -- we choose the latter. Heck, we only have a limited amount of time, something's gotta give.
Often, we moms end up going through the motions. Recently our post "What Moms Think About During Sex" made it clear just how tired and distracted many of us can be while fulfilling our "wifely duties." How do we get into that (missionary) position in the first place? Tired old avoidance ploys like "Not tonight honey, I have a headache," simply don't work anymore -- especially with the invention of Advil.
Here are some handy ways to get out of "doing it" -- if you just can't fit sex into your schedule.
1) Baby Monitor Switch-a-Roo: During the day, switch the baby monitor so it amplifies your bedroom instead of your infant's. When your husband makes a play, whisper loudly "I don't want to wake the baby!" Bingo.
2) Toy with his affections. When you're cleaning up your kid's room, gather all the toys and throw them under the comforter of your bed. Nothing can change the mood like a Thomas the Train engine lodged into your lower back.
3) Pull a "Duggar": When you husband tries to initiate sex, enthusiastically say "Yes! Let's make another baby TONIGHT!!"
4) "Change" the subject: When he grabs you in the hall, say "Sorry, sweetie, I just changed a poo diaper and haven't washed my hands."
5) Update "headache" with an exotic malady. Try, "Not tonight honey, I have Acute Disseminated Encephalomyelitis Elephantiasis." While he's looking that one up on the Internet, you can get back to packing the kids's lunches.
6) Slip into something more uncomfortable. Before you go to bed, put on every item of clothing you've ever owned. He's tired too -- he'll fall asleep trying to undo the knots of your multiple Gunnysack dresses.
7) The BIG Order: Tell your man you'd be delighted to have sex with him. You just have one tiny request: He guarantees you'll have at least three mind blowing orgasms in the process. Ah, sweet sleep.
8) White teeth AND sleep: Invest in some tooth whitening trays. An hour before going to bed, pop them in your mouth. When he tries to kiss you, he'll get a mouth full of plastic and carbamide peroxide. Mmm, sexy.
9) Mood-killing role play: Tell him you're interested in trying out some role playing. He dresses up in a French maid costume that you supply. Plus, does he mind if you videotape it?
And when all else fails:
10) Barter for Chores: Tell him in exchange for letting you sleep instead of sex, you'll change ten diapers in row. Your guy's no dummy. You'll be off to Dozy Land in no time.
Often, we moms end up going through the motions. Recently our post "What Moms Think About During Sex" made it clear just how tired and distracted many of us can be while fulfilling our "wifely duties." How do we get into that (missionary) position in the first place? Tired old avoidance ploys like "Not tonight honey, I have a headache," simply don't work anymore -- especially with the invention of Advil.
Here are some handy ways to get out of "doing it" -- if you just can't fit sex into your schedule.
1) Baby Monitor Switch-a-Roo: During the day, switch the baby monitor so it amplifies your bedroom instead of your infant's. When your husband makes a play, whisper loudly "I don't want to wake the baby!" Bingo.
2) Toy with his affections. When you're cleaning up your kid's room, gather all the toys and throw them under the comforter of your bed. Nothing can change the mood like a Thomas the Train engine lodged into your lower back.
3) Pull a "Duggar": When you husband tries to initiate sex, enthusiastically say "Yes! Let's make another baby TONIGHT!!"
4) "Change" the subject: When he grabs you in the hall, say "Sorry, sweetie, I just changed a poo diaper and haven't washed my hands."
5) Update "headache" with an exotic malady. Try, "Not tonight honey, I have Acute Disseminated Encephalomyelitis Elephantiasis." While he's looking that one up on the Internet, you can get back to packing the kids's lunches.
6) Slip into something more uncomfortable. Before you go to bed, put on every item of clothing you've ever owned. He's tired too -- he'll fall asleep trying to undo the knots of your multiple Gunnysack dresses.
7) The BIG Order: Tell your man you'd be delighted to have sex with him. You just have one tiny request: He guarantees you'll have at least three mind blowing orgasms in the process. Ah, sweet sleep.
8) White teeth AND sleep: Invest in some tooth whitening trays. An hour before going to bed, pop them in your mouth. When he tries to kiss you, he'll get a mouth full of plastic and carbamide peroxide. Mmm, sexy.
9) Mood-killing role play: Tell him you're interested in trying out some role playing. He dresses up in a French maid costume that you supply. Plus, does he mind if you videotape it?
And when all else fails:
10) Barter for Chores: Tell him in exchange for letting you sleep instead of sex, you'll change ten diapers in row. Your guy's no dummy. You'll be off to Dozy Land in no time.
Email47 comments so far | Post a comment now >>
|  |
|||||||||||||||
|
advertisement
|
||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||
 WIN IT! This new game has some serious bite!
Enter Here |
||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||
 |
||||||||||||||||
|
||||||||||||||||
|
advertisement
|
Comment Page: << 1 2 3 >>