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The Master Cleanse is for Rich People!

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Momlogic's Melissa: This is my third day on The Master Cleanse and I have to tell you, this is not a diet for the working woman. Let's face it, everyone calls it a cleanse, but the reason I, and others, embark on this torturous regime is to lose weight ... lot's of it, and fast!

rich woman with syrup water and lemons

For those of you who aren't familiar with the cleanse it lasts a minimum of ten days and consists of drinking only liquids. Here is what a normal day on the cleanse looks like:

  • Wake up, drink 32 oz. water mixed with 2 tsps. salt (VOMIT!)
  • 6 - 10 cups "lemonade" which is made of 2 tbs. fresh-squeezed lemon juice, 2 tbs. Grade B maple syrup, 1/10 tsp. Cayenne pepper
  • 1 - 2 cups mint tea
  • 1 cup laxative tea
Note: Because the reason I am doing this is to lose weight, I reduce the maple syrup in each drink to 1 tbs.

One reason this is a rich person's diet is because youre supposed to drink a 32 oz. (that's a quart folks) of salt water when you first wake up. Drinking the salt water is the colon "rinse" cycle of the diet and it is fouler than anything I have ever tasted in my life. It's not nasty because it's salty (I LOVE salt), it's nasty because it's mixed to be the same consistency of blood so that your body doesn't absorb it, it just passes it through.

The reason normal people can't (or shouldn't) do this is because it takes about 45 minutes to an hour for the salt water drink to start "working." Then you can expect an unknown number of "evacuations" over the next one or two hours, depending on your system. So that means that unless you have three hours to kill in the morning, your first (sudden and uncontrollable) NEED to "evacuate" will probably come while you're in the car driving to work or walking into that early am meeting. How pleasant would that be? "Good morning all. Uh, sorry I have to leave ... I just S*** my pants." Not so fun! Rich people though have the luxury of staying close to their bathrooms because if they don't want to to to work they don't have to -- because they're the boss!

Another reason why working people shouldn't go on this diet is because it makes you feel pretty weak. I know that celebrity fans of the cleanse say: "I never had more energy" or "I was never so clear mentally" well, let me tell you something ... I don't have the luxury of lounging around in my penthouse having people do things for me while I "cleanse." No, I have to get my fat ass off the couch and head to work -- and let me tell you it's no small feat to type a post like this while your hands are freezing cold, turning a slight shade of blue and feeling numb from lack of food.

The third and final reason why working people shouldn't do this diet (or can't do it properly) is because the lemon juice in each drink is supposed to be squeezed right before you make it. The reason for this is because you (supposedly) get better nutritional value from just squeezed juice that juice that's been sitting around all day. Now I don't know about you, but I barely have time to pee at work never mind spend 5 - 10 minutes every hour or so squeezing GD lemons in the company kitchen. Only rich people have the luxury of having of someone else to do the squeezing for them -- and getting ALL the nutritional benefits. Hmmm...maybe that's why I feel like fainting right now.

This is not a diet for the faint of heart, but I am going to try and stick to it -- after all, losing 6 lbs in two days IS pretty good -- but I really believe that there should be a warning on The Master Cleanse that says, "Warning, this cleanse is for rich people ONLY!"

next: Parents Are Insuring Themselves Over Their Kids
45 comments so far | Post a comment now
foxymama October 22, 2008, 3:01 PM

HYSTERICAL - the bad shits are worth the weightloss, right?

sasykat51 October 22, 2008, 7:40 PM

I laughed so hard I damn near p-s-e- my pants:) Thanks for the histerical insught oon a “new diet craze” will not be trying …anytime soon:)

RealMomsHaveCurves  October 22, 2008, 8:00 PM

You’re much braver than I. More power to you for going for it.

Anonymous October 22, 2008, 9:05 PM

A totally useless article

Amber October 22, 2008, 9:14 PM

This is actually an old diet craze. Is it coming back? I did it for 5 days and ended up so sick I had to go to the doctor. Oh well.

Anonymous October 23, 2008, 1:30 PM

Why so bitchy anonymous … my guess is your fat!

MarkD October 23, 2008, 3:22 PM

it’s not for the rich it’s for anybody. 10days on this diet and you’ll save a fortune on groceries. this diet is the real deal. it does so much more than just help you lose weight (30lbs in 10days anybody?). It washes away all your infections. first time i did it was in response to a horrible boil on my side. zits be gone on this diet. another time i did it it cured a fungus on a toenail i had for over a year. each time i have gained back my weight within 6 to 9 months. I look at it as a reset switch to look good and fit in my clothes. you can have the same results without the saltwater wash.

elaina October 24, 2008, 9:22 PM

if you keep on a diff diet after the cleanse and work out more do you think it would help to keep it off…i’d just get all depressed if i gained it all back

newmome November 19, 2008, 3:10 PM

I tried the Simply Slender version of this diet that is premixed. You can take it to work and just add water. I don’t know how people with careers can do this sqeezing for how ever many glasses they drink. This recommmends only a 2-4 day cleanse and you can eat fresh fruits and veggies. I chose not to eat anything, could not do the salt water flush, and did it for the entire 4 days. It is not for the weak at heart but I really felt benefits from the experience. More energy, glowing skin, less bloated and overall feeling of well being. Check this out it may change your mind on the concept.

Jimmy  January 12, 2009, 10:46 PM

Mark D knows whats up! this is the real deal and you have to follow it exactly not cut the maple syrup in half that why you have no enery!

Kay March 4, 2009, 12:36 PM

I’m on my third day and yes I keep leaving my desk at work to go crap! This sucks for the working folk but what doesnt!

Anonymous January 17, 2010, 4:05 PM

I enjoyed reading this post! lol

Hannah February 13, 2010, 7:50 PM

I guess i’m lucky. My husband is a Surgeon in NY Presbyterian, so I get to be a stay-at-home mom. I have 18-month old triplets. I’ve been on the Master Cleanse for 18 days and the bathroom is stacked with loads of Toilet Tissue. I have to lose this baby fat immediately and so far dropped 8 lbs. Being on this diet has made me cranky and slightly fatigued, so Nanny Bev has to take care of the little ones.

Risky Diet July 19, 2010, 10:44 PM

Zune and iPod: Most people compare the Zune to the Touch, but after seeing how slim and surprisingly small and light it is, I consider it to be a rather unique hybrid that combines qualities of both the Touch and the Nano. It’s very colorful and lovely OLED screen is slightly smaller than the touch screen, but the player itself feels quite a bit smaller and lighter. It weighs about 2/3 as much, and is noticeably smaller in width and height, while being just a hair thicker.

Joshua Jansson October 19, 2010, 5:17 PM

Hey, nice blog with good info. I really like coming back here often. There?s only one thing that annoys me and that is the misfunctioning of comment posting. I usually get to 500 error page, and have to do the post twice. - I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child. - Woody Allen Born 1935

Jesse Jonke October 19, 2010, 7:14 PM

This is a good approach to what, for some, may be a controversial topic. Very well though out post. - I am dying from the treatment of too many physicians. - Alexander the Great

Juan Janak October 19, 2010, 9:06 PM

Doing some browsing and noticed your website appears a bit messed up in my K-meleon internet browser. But fortunately hardly anyone uses it any longer but you may want to look into it. - Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses. - Confucius

Jerry Jennifer October 19, 2010, 10:19 PM

Then again, the opposite could be true. - If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever. - Woody Allen Born 1935

Joseph Jester October 20, 2010, 12:08 AM

You make some good points. I guess it depends on your standpoint. - Tradition is the illusion of permanance. - Woody Allen Born 1935

Jesse Janish October 20, 2010, 12:44 AM

Then again, the opposite could be true. - If it turns out that there is a God, I don’t think that he’s evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever. - Woody Allen Born 1935

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