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The Master Cleanse is for Rich People!

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Momlogic's Melissa: This is my third day on The Master Cleanse and I have to tell you, this is not a diet for the working woman. Let's face it, everyone calls it a cleanse, but the reason I, and others, embark on this torturous regime is to lose weight ... lot's of it, and fast!

rich woman with syrup water and lemons

For those of you who aren't familiar with the cleanse it lasts a minimum of ten days and consists of drinking only liquids. Here is what a normal day on the cleanse looks like:

  • Wake up, drink 32 oz. water mixed with 2 tsps. salt (VOMIT!)
  • 6 - 10 cups "lemonade" which is made of 2 tbs. fresh-squeezed lemon juice, 2 tbs. Grade B maple syrup, 1/10 tsp. Cayenne pepper
  • 1 - 2 cups mint tea
  • 1 cup laxative tea
Note: Because the reason I am doing this is to lose weight, I reduce the maple syrup in each drink to 1 tbs.

One reason this is a rich person's diet is because youre supposed to drink a 32 oz. (that's a quart folks) of salt water when you first wake up. Drinking the salt water is the colon "rinse" cycle of the diet and it is fouler than anything I have ever tasted in my life. It's not nasty because it's salty (I LOVE salt), it's nasty because it's mixed to be the same consistency of blood so that your body doesn't absorb it, it just passes it through.

The reason normal people can't (or shouldn't) do this is because it takes about 45 minutes to an hour for the salt water drink to start "working." Then you can expect an unknown number of "evacuations" over the next one or two hours, depending on your system. So that means that unless you have three hours to kill in the morning, your first (sudden and uncontrollable) NEED to "evacuate" will probably come while you're in the car driving to work or walking into that early am meeting. How pleasant would that be? "Good morning all. Uh, sorry I have to leave ... I just S*** my pants." Not so fun! Rich people though have the luxury of staying close to their bathrooms because if they don't want to to to work they don't have to -- because they're the boss!

Another reason why working people shouldn't go on this diet is because it makes you feel pretty weak. I know that celebrity fans of the cleanse say: "I never had more energy" or "I was never so clear mentally" well, let me tell you something ... I don't have the luxury of lounging around in my penthouse having people do things for me while I "cleanse." No, I have to get my fat ass off the couch and head to work -- and let me tell you it's no small feat to type a post like this while your hands are freezing cold, turning a slight shade of blue and feeling numb from lack of food.

The third and final reason why working people shouldn't do this diet (or can't do it properly) is because the lemon juice in each drink is supposed to be squeezed right before you make it. The reason for this is because you (supposedly) get better nutritional value from just squeezed juice that juice that's been sitting around all day. Now I don't know about you, but I barely have time to pee at work never mind spend 5 - 10 minutes every hour or so squeezing GD lemons in the company kitchen. Only rich people have the luxury of having of someone else to do the squeezing for them -- and getting ALL the nutritional benefits. Hmmm...maybe that's why I feel like fainting right now.

This is not a diet for the faint of heart, but I am going to try and stick to it -- after all, losing 6 lbs in two days IS pretty good -- but I really believe that there should be a warning on The Master Cleanse that says, "Warning, this cleanse is for rich people ONLY!"

next: Parents Are Insuring Themselves Over Their Kids
45 comments so far | Post a comment now
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