The day after Thanksgiving - aka "Black Friday" -- is the unofficial kickoff of the Holiday shopping season. Assuming the economy weren't in the pooper, here are the "12 Gifts This Dad Wants for the Holidays."
1. New Sony 50 inch LCD TV: God do I want this. But buying it equates to one month of the nanny ... two years worth of diapers ... I guess I can justify it by saying that I want my son to grow up in a high definition world, but so far that's not working.
2. Some sort of "smart phone": I'm stupid; I need a phone that's smart.
3. Nintendo Wii: Another thing that will never happen. "Sorry honey, I can't change the baby -- I'm about to get to level 9 on (insert geeky video game title here).
4. Kindle: If I read books, this would be really cool.
5. Someone to cancel my gym membership: I have not stepped foot in there since before my wedding, nor do I plan to ever again. The monthly charges can't even shame me to exercise.
6. James Bond DVD set: I'm exactly like the British superspy, except I'm short, doughy, clammy, Canadian, wear sweatpants whenever possible, and get freaked out by electrical sockets.
7. Parkour lessons: Check out the opening chase from "Casino Royale." You know that dude who runs and jumps over stuff? I want to do that. I've even checked out a website which offers lessons, which I'm sure is about as far as I'll take this.
8. New socks and underpants: Most of my unmentionables were purchased during the Reagan administration. "Jagged" and "brittle" are two words that should never describe boxer shorts.
9. NHL All-Star Game tickets: Who's selling?
10. Transitions lenses: I was going to just get a new pair of sunglasses, but these seem so Branch Davidian chic.
11. Ribs of the month club: This has got to exist, right? There's no good BBQ joint near our apartment, and I want zesty, delicious ribs delivered to my door each month!
12. Free sex coupons: With my wife, of course. Although she'd probably want to get "Get Out of Sex Free" cards to cancel mine out.