A Mormon in the Aftermath of Prop 8

A Mormon in the Aftermath of Prop 8

Friday, November 14, 2008

filed under: family

Guest blogger Vanessa: There are two sides to every story. Here's mine.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, known to most as the Mormon church. Two months ago, I had no idea what Proposition 8 was or how much it would affect me.

Deciding to support it was one of the greatest emotional conflicts I have ever been through in my entire life. I dearly love all of my gay friends. They are some of the most wonderful people I have ever met and I want them to be happy. I fully support domestic partnerships because I know that everyone wants to be with the one they love.

Yet there was an unsettled feeling in the pit in my stomach -- the definition of marriage. I am religious and believe the Biblical definition as being between a man and woman, going all the way back to Adam and Eve. Marriage is the crucial partnership that makes it possible to biologically have children together and seal a family unit.

But what would people think? Would they understand?

I wasn't alone in my confusion. Many of my church friends where going through the same turmoil. Firm in their beliefs, but not wanting to alienate their gay friends and coworkers.

After a month of praying about the issue, I came to a personal realization. What is this really about? The definition of marriage. Man and woman. I decided that I would follow my faith, although a large part of me was left sorrowful.

I didn't donate money to Yes on Prop 8, but like many others, I donated my time. I held "Yes on Prop 8" signs and went polling. I was flipped off, called horrible names and was the target of much yelling. It's okay, though, I understand. They have the right to yell, and I listened to what they had to say.

Could they understand? Could they know how much I still cared for them?

Election Day came. I was proud to see all of the "I Voted" stickers on everyone in my city and I celebrated what I thought would be a new era ... where we would come together to work through the issues facing our nation.

The next morning, Prop 8 passed. I was honestly surprised. I don't watch much TV, and all of the ads I had heard on the radio were against the proposition. Officials such as Governor Schwarzenegger and Senator Diane Feinstein (who I have complete respect for) had both opposed it.

Although I was glad that the hours of time invested had paid off, I was far from happy. My heart broke for all of the couples that woke up that morning, not knowing if they were married or not. I cried at my desk when I was alone. I couldn't imagine what they were going through and I prayed that they might be comforted.

That's when I noticed a change. People who opposed Prop 8 were angry. A completely natural reaction of course, but this was different. This was a kind of anger that I had never been exposed to. The anger seemed filled with hate and distrust ... and the search was on to find a reason Prop 8 passed. And someone to blame.

Then the protests started. I couldn't believe it at first. The blaming finger had pointed at the Mormon church, a religion that makes up under two percent of the California population (and later I found out that we made up LESS THAN FIVE PERCENT of the yes vote). Yes, a large portion of Yes on Prop 8's donations came from members of our church. But didn't they have the right to donate to a cause that they believed in?

And it wasn't just blame, it was accusations of hate and prejudice ... everything that I have stood against my entire life.

The protesters were at the Los Angeles Temple ... MY temple. My place of worship. Somewhere that I had always felt safe. I had so many emotions inside of me that I couldn't differentiate one from the other. Would they desecrate my place of worship? Would my family and friends be safe from harm?

I had to know for myself and headed down to the temple as soon as I got off work.

The sea of protesters were marching peacefully but were carrying cruel and offensive anti-Mormon signs. My heart sank and I left determined to prove their accusations wrong.

I wanted to make sure that my church friends understood the other side of the story and felt compassion for all those who were hurting.

I discovered that they already did understand. They were going through the same thing I was. Not all of them had even voted yes on the issue. But no matter how they voted, their hearts were still open to those who were standing against them.

Over the next few days, things were rough for both sides. The protesters continued, although I helplessly felt there was nothing I could do for them. Our gates were written on, they banged on the doors of our chapel and stood outside our parking lot to take photos of our license plates. The members who had donated money to Yes on Prop 8 were exposed online, open for attack.

Blog posts and emails from church members started to pop up everywhere -- messages of love and peace and encouragement. Every prayer at church that Sunday spoke for the safety of our members and that those who where yelling outside our gates would be comforted and feel our love for them.

This was not an issue of hate. For me, it was purely an issue of religious belief. We have all made sacrifices. Many have lost friends, and others abandoned by their coworkers. I, myself, had to find another place to live.

I believe that God loves all of us, and it is our duty to love one another as his children ... through all of the trials and tribulations that we face together.

164 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

Good on you Vanessa, and good on anyone who took a stand in any direction and voted on Prop. 8. The United States is a country where people can vote on issues and candidates with any reason in mind. The direction of their vote can be influenced by personal experience, precedent, religion, even whimsy. What person should base his/her vote on is as deeply controversial as how he/she votes. That’s why there is media and campaigns. Last time I checked, voters could vote according to the dictates of their own consciences and they did. I would hate to see what would have happened if the vote went the other way and Mormons were being observed standing outside of the Abbey or other historical landmarks that are a source of pride holding signs as full of hatred as the ones protesters are holding outside of their temples. I guess tolerance and love is a one way street in California.

- Andrea

Posted 11/13/08 05:51 PM

Face it, you drank the kool-aid. You did….you drank it. Your church leadership started planning the political campaign against gay marriage 1 years ago. Documents are cycling the web. I do understand that your faith doesn’t yet allow for the inclusion of Gay and Lesbian families, but your leadership chose to actively campaign against them. In that campaign, they enlisted you to pay for it and commit your hours each week to it. Did you ever ask yourself if a constitutional right should be eliminated because of religious belief? This wasn’t a proposition for energy or taxes, this was people’s constitutional rights!! Oh my… Go to church lady, be happy and raise your family by your beliefs. I defend your right to do that…but don’t drink the kool-aid next time before you question it. The Calif Supreme court will right your wrong. Then your Mormon leadership can set their sights on other states. Good luck with that.

- still married in Calif

Posted 11/13/08 05:54 PM

According to the US constitution the majority does not have the right to enact any law they please. Hopefully someday soon the US will again live up to the ideals of our constitution. Fourteenth Amendment …. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States; nor shall any State deprive any person of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; nor deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws. ….

- William

Posted 11/13/08 06:30 PM

Dear Jennifer, The democratic process states that the majority should not vote on the rights of a minority. With Prop 8, that’s exactly what happened. That’s not democracy. That’s steamrolling.

- Mike

Posted 11/13/08 06:37 PM

Well, Vanessa, do you feel better now? Is your conscience soothed? I’d sure hate for you to feel badly about your actions directly resulting in the invalidation of my marriage. I’d sure hate to think of you losing sleep knowing that not one day has gone by since November 4th that I have not dissolved into uncontrollable crying, with grief, with anger, over your unquestionable reminder to me that I’m not as good as you are. Mercy no, I wouldn’t want you to feel bad about laying waste to our marriages or anything. I wouldn’t want you to feel bad about all the parents trying to explain to their children why “the people” have declared that they’re not as good as your children. Oh, and by the way, I don’t believe in your God. I don’t believe in your church. What gives you the right to force me to live as a Mormon? What gives you the right to impose YOUR beliefs on MY life? Even your own prophets warned about the danger of trying to fulfill Scripture by force. In fact, Jesus said it first — but your prophets took it one step further, warning that you would not be fulfilling God’s plan, but Lucifer’s. That’s one part of your church’s doctrine you *should* have heeded. But then, you shouldn’t bother your beautiful mind with all that. Don’t upset yourself with reality of how deeply you have hurt so many thousands of people you will never meet. Never mind that our parents, our siblings, and our friends are hurting as badly as we are right now. You just hide in your ivory temple and keep congratulating yourself for sowing so much more pain in the world than there already was.

- Sapphocrat

Posted 11/13/08 06:48 PM

For those who argue “separation of church and state” in criticizing individuals whose votes are influenced by religious beliefs, religion is a source of values, just as culture and tradition are sources of values. Religion happens to be organized (most of the time). So let’s make this a little more “socially acceptable”, and say: Vanessa voted according to her values. And if you would like a purely secular argument, watch this short video: http://www.whatyououghttoknow.com/show/2008/10/21/gay-marriage/

- GelCA

Posted 11/13/08 06:59 PM

Let’s put all the Mormons out on an island somewhere in the middle of the ocean. That’ll learn’em. Better yet, we can make them sit through all the episodes of that HBO series Queer as folk. That’s it - we can brainwash them because they are so shallow and have no thoughts of their own.

- Mobocrat

Posted 11/13/08 07:09 PM

I don’t care where the money came from (both sides). Who had the most part in voting. I care about how people are acting! A beautiful thing happen this election. People voted for what they wanted. Sorry people do not agree with how every vote went.

- my thoughts

Posted 11/13/08 07:20 PM

Targeting the LDS church is completely out of line. It’s shameful and cowardly. A majority of Californians voted YES. black, white, asian, latino, christian, nonchristian. There was a full debate leading up to the election. Both sides were well funded. It was an election, fair and square, and the outcome should be respected in the name of civility and order. We should not be a country of mob rule, but it appears to be heading that wey. If the courts invalidate Prop 8, many (nonbigoted people) will be unhappy, but I doubt they will bully, threaten, intimidate, vandalize and blacklist those responsible for standing up for their beliefs.

- Harley

Posted 11/13/08 07:24 PM

I’m glad she doesn’t have hate in her heart, but I agree with the other poster, it doesn’t change one thing. This woman’s actions by check marking the Yes next to Proposition 8 say otherwise, and contradicts this phony great love in her heart. Let her to continue to cry over it she should’ve known better. And one thing she may forgotton as many of these now hated Mormons have forgotton, in America, in the United States you have freedom of Religion, freedom to choose, that’s why we’re here, and these people took rights away from others. I don’t give a d*mn what the Bible says or what they believe, you took that right away showing you lack human heart, and that’s not what Jesus Christ was about. You keep your religion and your beliefs to thy-self. Remember that next time you use your religious beliefs to impose on the people who have freedom of choice in this country. If you don’t like that, there are plenty of other countries you can move to where it is mandatory you worship the countries chosen religion, but NOT HERE!

- Tyler

Posted 11/13/08 07:26 PM

Can everyone please stop the anti-Mormon, bigoted comments? Jeez!

- MKay

Posted 11/13/08 07:27 PM

Forgive me for feeling little sympathy or compassion for supporters now wondering why we can’t just all get along. We were voting to revise the state’s definition of marriage, not the church’s. Gay unions were legally recognized with equal weight as straight couples for months without affecting anyone else’s marriage, why would we suddenly think anything would change should prop 8 fail? (As a side note, separate but equal is never equal) Loving couples just wanted to maintain their civil rights and their unions recognized equally in the eyes of the government, and Prop 8 took that away from them. Running deceptive ads focusing on fear was particularly deplorable. And fear of what? Fear of “some of the most wonderful people [you] have ever met”? People protest outside your church because the majority of effort and funding used to propagate that fear came directly or indirectly through actions of the Mormon church. The gay community has not done anything to you. They have not protested at your funerals. They have not vilified your lifestyle as a sin. They have not taken away any of your rights. You say we’ve all made sacrifices, but compared to the thousands of marriages now in limbo, the only thing I see prop 8 supporters really lost is respect.

- Tony

Posted 11/13/08 07:29 PM

Vanessa, thank you for sharing this. To those who assert that members of the Mormon church ought to have voted “No” because there is supposed to be a separation of church and state in this country, I would like to remind that when the founding fathers determined that such a separation should exist, it was to protect the individual rights of people of all different faiths; it was not so that anti-religion would become the state religion. It would be ludicrous to expect people of all the different religious persuasions to drop their religious beliefs at the door before punching their ballots - their beliefs are a part of who they are. If we ask such a thing, we must also ask that irreligious people drop THEIR beliefs at the door as well, beliefs gleaned from their parents, teachers, friends, and various forms of media. People’s beliefs, religious or not, are part of who they are. We can’t ask that certain persons please not take their value system into account when voting. Not so long ago, Mormons were persecuted and driven across the country time after time, never able to obtain protection from state or federal government. Once settled in Utah, they desired their territory to become a State, but to achieve Statehood, Utah’s citizens had to bend and conform to the law - they had to do away with the practice of polygamy - but Statehood was the priority, and so they did abolish polygamy. They had to bow to the voice of a democratic government to achieve their desired end. There was (and still is) a law that said in order for a territory to become a State, it’s citizens should agree to conform to the definition of marriage as set forth by that law. Why did such a law exist? Because the people believed that’s what marriage should be. It is no different today - the people, as evidenced by Prop. 8 having passed - still believe marriage should be defined as between a man and a woman. That’s what a democracy is about. It’s not about hate, but it IS about discrimination - it’s about the citizens discriminating between what relationships constitute marriage, and what relationships don’t. The people have spoken. Proposition 8 has passed. God is in charge. He knows how things will turn out, and He is in control. He loves all His children.

- Shauna

Posted 11/13/08 07:43 PM

So, the conservatives were able to pass some anti-gay laws. You know what, you can have it. The rest of us. That is, those of us who are educated from books other than the holy ones have spoken and the Republican/Neocon/God Freaks have mostly been voted out of any position where they can continue to harm our government and our people with hateful laws such as Prop 8. Not sure if you know this, but your bible or your Holy books (whatever that might be for you) were written at a time when women were considered $hit that you could have sex with. A mule to be used for bearing children. Slavery was rampant. There were Kings and Peasants and caste systems. Some people were royalty while others were trash. Human life was even more expendable than at any other time in history. A time of hate. Whatever the intentions, for better or worse, we were intellectually inferior. If I supported a proposition banning a woman’s right to vote because my bible says that women should be subservient to men, I would be flogged. This isn’t a religious issue. It should not even be an issue that is voted upon. It’s someone’s civil liberties. Lets put this into context for those of you out there with impediments: would you ever allow the passing of a law or amendment that repealed your right to bear arms? Would you allow for a law to remove your right to free speech? This is the same thing. Of course, it all comes down to the way conservatives run their campaigns and get things done: lies, cheating and stealing. Proposition 8 has nothing to do with kids learning about gay marriage. Unless Prop 8 called for gay militias and the militarization of the LGBT movement (which it doesn’t), there’s no need to “protect traditional marriage” and my favorite part of all, “I love gay people, I have gay friends.” This is like the racist who accidentally outs him/herself and tries to backtrack with the old, “I have a black friend.” Prop 8 was voted upon and approved in a democratic election and will, in the same way, be voted against. It’s a stupid law that should never have passed, backed by a church not even based in our state. If you’re so hell-bent (or heaven bent for you Bible thumpers) on “protecting” traditional marriage, invest

- Anonymous

Posted 11/13/08 08:09 PM

An interesting post. One reason Mormons are being singled out is that, like gays, they are a minority that is ‘different’ from other Christian/Christian-ish religions. Minorities are easier to single out. Also, being Mormon is a ‘choice’ and donating to Prop 8 was a ‘behavior.’ One minority that feels devastated is looking for a focal point - and there’s the biggest donator who is also a minority. It’s a match; and probably gay people feel that turnabout is fair play. As for the ‘I love gay people but voted for Prop 8’ - hollow. Love in practice beats love in theory. Yes on 8 tells gay people they aren’t quite ‘human’ enough, and your prayers are cold comfort for your actions.

- Tam

Posted 11/13/08 08:14 PM

Did you cast a ballot, or a stone?

- Anonymous

Posted 11/13/08 08:18 PM

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I seem to remember the religious term being “matrimony”. Marriage is a secular, legal term. You’re married regardless if you go to a cathedral or to a courthouse; you’ve been joined in matrimony, before God, only in a church. Matrimony is the true religious institution. I don’t understand how a word can bother people so much. If gay people can get married, do all straight people suddenly have to get divorced? Is that a legal loophole that I didn’t notice in the the proposition? If you’re concerned about the “destruction of the family”, work to better ALL families. Promote increased maternity leave - something which is drastically shorter in this country than in most others, leaving children to be raised by strangers in daycares. Promote LASTING marriages - divorce, infidelity, and separation is what’s ruining marriage, not allowing two people who love each other to get married. Interestingly enough, the divorce rate for heterosexual couples in the UK is roughly 45%. It’s roughly 1% in homosexual couples. But yeah, a stable relationship is what’s going to destroy the sanctity of marriage.

- Kirstie

Posted 11/13/08 08:26 PM

You speak of your “love” for gays like me. You do not respect our right to choose whom we marry. Love without respect is like faith without works-DEAD.

- chris

Posted 11/13/08 09:30 PM

Does anybody not wonder where the separation of church and state is? This isn’t even a religious issue. Whether it’s legal or not doesn’t mean that Catholics or Christians or Mormons or anyone has to let them marry in the eyes of their church. Fine — don’t allow it. But leave the legal issue alone.

- Anonymous

Posted 11/13/08 10:12 PM

Thoughtful, eloquent posting Vanessa… I was touched by your thoughts and feel/felt much the same as you in this campaign. People who profess little or no faith will have difficulty in understanding your views. As a person of faith, a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints who took a STAND for marriage being between a man and a woman as outlined in Propostion 8 in this great state of California by voting YES - I INVITE those in opposition to visit “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” for why many of the members of The Church of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Saints voted YES on Proposition 8. I too gave of my time and energy and mite (sic) to STAND for my convictions… Not to force them upon anyone. Same sex couples already have many of the same legal rights as married couples in California through a domestic-partnership law adopted in 2003 (if I understand correctly). Why that law didn’t go further in insuring property/health/tax & other common-law type rights is something I don’t understand and need to research… But I do take a STAND at the definition, and implimentation, of marriage as it pertains to the family; and commend others, whether of faith or not, who did likewise. I pray for the continued civility of members of my church and for the protection of those who continue to protest, whether yay or nay, regarding Proposition 8 and subsequent issues. To paraphrase Joseph Smith: “… persecutions may rage, mobs may combine, armies may assemble, calumny may defame, but the truth of God will go forth boldly, nobly, and independent…” In Jesus name. Amen.

- Bobby Nichols

Posted 11/13/08 10:16 PM