A Mormon in the Aftermath of Prop 8

A Mormon in the Aftermath of Prop 8

Friday, November 14, 2008

filed under: family

Guest blogger Vanessa: There are two sides to every story. Here's mine.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, known to most as the Mormon church. Two months ago, I had no idea what Proposition 8 was or how much it would affect me.

Deciding to support it was one of the greatest emotional conflicts I have ever been through in my entire life. I dearly love all of my gay friends. They are some of the most wonderful people I have ever met and I want them to be happy. I fully support domestic partnerships because I know that everyone wants to be with the one they love.

Yet there was an unsettled feeling in the pit in my stomach -- the definition of marriage. I am religious and believe the Biblical definition as being between a man and woman, going all the way back to Adam and Eve. Marriage is the crucial partnership that makes it possible to biologically have children together and seal a family unit.

But what would people think? Would they understand?

I wasn't alone in my confusion. Many of my church friends where going through the same turmoil. Firm in their beliefs, but not wanting to alienate their gay friends and coworkers.

After a month of praying about the issue, I came to a personal realization. What is this really about? The definition of marriage. Man and woman. I decided that I would follow my faith, although a large part of me was left sorrowful.

I didn't donate money to Yes on Prop 8, but like many others, I donated my time. I held "Yes on Prop 8" signs and went polling. I was flipped off, called horrible names and was the target of much yelling. It's okay, though, I understand. They have the right to yell, and I listened to what they had to say.

Could they understand? Could they know how much I still cared for them?

Election Day came. I was proud to see all of the "I Voted" stickers on everyone in my city and I celebrated what I thought would be a new era ... where we would come together to work through the issues facing our nation.

The next morning, Prop 8 passed. I was honestly surprised. I don't watch much TV, and all of the ads I had heard on the radio were against the proposition. Officials such as Governor Schwarzenegger and Senator Diane Feinstein (who I have complete respect for) had both opposed it.

Although I was glad that the hours of time invested had paid off, I was far from happy. My heart broke for all of the couples that woke up that morning, not knowing if they were married or not. I cried at my desk when I was alone. I couldn't imagine what they were going through and I prayed that they might be comforted.

That's when I noticed a change. People who opposed Prop 8 were angry. A completely natural reaction of course, but this was different. This was a kind of anger that I had never been exposed to. The anger seemed filled with hate and distrust ... and the search was on to find a reason Prop 8 passed. And someone to blame.

Then the protests started. I couldn't believe it at first. The blaming finger had pointed at the Mormon church, a religion that makes up under two percent of the California population (and later I found out that we made up LESS THAN FIVE PERCENT of the yes vote). Yes, a large portion of Yes on Prop 8's donations came from members of our church. But didn't they have the right to donate to a cause that they believed in?

And it wasn't just blame, it was accusations of hate and prejudice ... everything that I have stood against my entire life.

The protesters were at the Los Angeles Temple ... MY temple. My place of worship. Somewhere that I had always felt safe. I had so many emotions inside of me that I couldn't differentiate one from the other. Would they desecrate my place of worship? Would my family and friends be safe from harm?

I had to know for myself and headed down to the temple as soon as I got off work.

The sea of protesters were marching peacefully but were carrying cruel and offensive anti-Mormon signs. My heart sank and I left determined to prove their accusations wrong.

I wanted to make sure that my church friends understood the other side of the story and felt compassion for all those who were hurting.

I discovered that they already did understand. They were going through the same thing I was. Not all of them had even voted yes on the issue. But no matter how they voted, their hearts were still open to those who were standing against them.

Over the next few days, things were rough for both sides. The protesters continued, although I helplessly felt there was nothing I could do for them. Our gates were written on, they banged on the doors of our chapel and stood outside our parking lot to take photos of our license plates. The members who had donated money to Yes on Prop 8 were exposed online, open for attack.

Blog posts and emails from church members started to pop up everywhere -- messages of love and peace and encouragement. Every prayer at church that Sunday spoke for the safety of our members and that those who where yelling outside our gates would be comforted and feel our love for them.

This was not an issue of hate. For me, it was purely an issue of religious belief. We have all made sacrifices. Many have lost friends, and others abandoned by their coworkers. I, myself, had to find another place to live.

I believe that God loves all of us, and it is our duty to love one another as his children ... through all of the trials and tribulations that we face together.

164 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

Wow it’s amazing how people on No on prop 8 can easily say “it’s discriminating and haterd” but then they do stupid things like protest with such vicousness. truly a case of contradictory. Now I believe that gays should be able to get married but showing such hate (as in Mormons preah hate) to the LDS is not helping your cause. Oh and Joe it’s a moral thing, learn the facts and maybe a intelligent conversation can follow. God bless America.

- The Wise Fool

Posted 11/13/08 10:34 PM

Congratulations Vanessa on letting your voice be heard. It takes a lot of courage to stand up for what you believe in despite persecution. Gays have certainly been persecuted in the past and unfortunately continue to be persecuted today, but voting yes on prop 8 does not entail “persecution.” Gay Rights Activists (with emphasis on the vocal activists, not all homosexual individuals) are no longer fighting for equality, they are fighting for superiority. The actual persecution and intimidation they have used to get their point across show this to be the case. They apparently feel like they are above their own self-labeled “standards” of peace and equality. They choose to target a small group of people for their outrage. This is not a productive way to discuss this important issue of what the definition of marriage should be in our society.

- anonymous

Posted 11/13/08 11:01 PM

I think the next proposition that should be put on the ballot should be one to ban Mormonism. Not because we hate Mormons—we love Mormons you understand. It’s just that we deeply believe the *definition* of Christianity is that which is found in the Holy Bible. That nonsense Joseph Smith pulled out of his backside and called “The Book of Mormon” is simply not Christianity according to our deeply held beliefs. And to allow people to redefine Christianity is simply unconscionable. We must take a stand and ban Mormonism. Now are you beginning to grasp how hateful and degrading it is for you to eradicate the human rights of other people just because *your* personal beliefs say what they are doing is wrong? If we all did that nearly everything would be banned and barely anything would be legal. Life would be quite unpleasant and hardly worth living. Stop harming others by trying to force your chosen religious beliefs on them by force of law. I’m sure you wouldn’t want them to do the same.

- Buffy

Posted 11/13/08 11:03 PM

For all those that commented….talk about calling the kettle black. The amount of hate directed toward the author and her church is unfortunate but not surprising. Someone needs a scapegoat and they are an easy target. This is a difficult issue but how about some respect and civility? How about directing your energy towards helping to foster some understanding rather than shouting down the other side and insulting them.

- Megan

Posted 11/13/08 11:05 PM

Just because someone doesn’t agree with the ideology and doctorine of certain churches doesn’t give anyone the right to become hateful and bigoted against them. That makes you no different than those who you feel are being hateful and bigoted towards you. Just as you want religious institutions to be tolerant of you, the same goes for you being tolerant of the institutions. What Christians believe in is God’s word not man’s and only God can change it. So forcing someone to compromise their belief to make YOU feel better is wrong whether you believe that or not.

- Queen Bee

Posted 11/13/08 11:10 PM

To all those people who oppose gay marriage but support domestic partnership, a question: Would separate drinking fountains, one for straights and one for gays, be ok with you? After all, the water is the same, right? Let’s face it, Vanessa. A ‘Yes’ vote on Prop 8 was not done out of love for family or God, but fear of gays. You voted to make some of fellow citizens second class. Own that.

- Bill

Posted 11/13/08 11:34 PM

I completely agree that LDS members should not be scapegoated or persecuted for their views, and I think that all protests should be entirely peaceful and civil. A admire you for posting this blog, for sharing your views, and for describing the pain that your are feeling. However, your pain and my pain are not equivalent. I am a directly-affected victim of the Prop 8 “victory”. My husband and I (whom I’ve been with for 18 years) were stripped of our marriage. We also have two children, and the Prop 8 vote has denied them their right to have legally married parents. So yes, I am incredibly angry, because people like you have thrown us “under the bus”. We are your neighbors, your co-workers and your friends, and it is NOT O.K. that you say “you dearly love” your gay friends and yet you use the privilege of the ballot box to asault us like that. We need people whose minds can be changed on this issue, and I hope you are one of those people. Try to put yourself in our shoes (Jesus never said anything about homosexuality, nor did he define marriage) and I hope you’ll vote differently next time.

- Randy

Posted 11/13/08 11:57 PM

When the wording gets changed so churches are not FORCED to perform gay/lesbian marriages, we will support it. Signed, A Mormom

- Mimzie

Posted 11/14/08 12:09 AM

Mimzie, what nonsense is that? No law can compel a church to perform any marriages it doesn’t want to perform. That’s *religious*. The law simply talks about the sorts of marriages which can be sanctioned by the *state*.

- Uly

Posted 11/14/08 12:23 AM

My heart sank and I left determined to prove their accusations wrong. One way to prove those accusations wrong, Vanessa, would be to recognize that it was wrong for you to try to force non-Mormons to live according to your religious beliefs, and fight to overturn Proposition 8. Do you think you could do that?

- Phil

Posted 11/14/08 12:41 AM

Guess that by protesting the people that hate gay people, I’ll not be hating people, I’ll be hating the sin of hatred. Do unto others. Don’t worry, Mormons, it’s not your actions (or yours, Catholics, or yours, regular church-goers) that I hate, not you. I’m sure you’re lovely people, just completely, well, uneducated in the fact that other people get to live out their lives, too.

- Greg

Posted 11/14/08 01:34 AM

When saying that churches are forcing you to comply with their beliefs because they voted against gay marriage, arent you forcing churches to recognize you as a “married” couple when their belief system says otherwise? Because that is what would happen if Prop. 8 passes. Mormons and other Christians will be forced to accept your union as the norm and that goes against everything they believe. Where is YOUR compassion? YOUR understanding? Because your not “Christian” or otherwise that doesn’t apply to you? Or is it a one way street? What would be next? Lawsuits or legal action against those churches that can’t accept you based on their beliefs? They did so in Sweden, and other countries. What is stopping you from steamrolling churches yet again with unrelenting pressure for normalization by silencing them and calling them bigots and homophobes for denying your recognition? As it stands it is suppose to be a religious constitutional right of ours to do so? But what happens if Prop 8 passes? Are we “thrown under the bus” too because our religious freedoms will most likely be compromised? Also if this passes, aren’t you “forcing” me to accept that you teach that same-sex marriage and traditional marriage are the SAME? Aren’t you forcing me to not have a choice in opting out of a tolerance class for small children that you will teach this to because it is my belief that they are NOT the same? How is this fair again for me? Or is it because I’m straight and a member of the LDS church that I don’t have a right to have feelings or opinions on the matter without being subjugated to being called a bigot? Respect goes both ways people.

- Queen Bee

Posted 11/14/08 01:38 AM

Hey Queen Bee: You want respect? Try offering some respect instead of hypotheticals that don’t even apply in the USA. Name one church, Catholic or otherwise, that has been successfully sued for refusing to perform a marriage for someone who has been divorced. After all, that’s discrimination by marital status, right? That discrimination is generally illegal in California, but a line is drawn at the church’s door. NO church has to perform or recognize a marriage that they don’t want to, and the law has never asked them to. That’s fine. I don’t have a problem with that. I don’t care if you’re LDS or not. I don’t care if your personal life accepts or tolerates gays or not. But if you want to hide behind your religious doctrine to pitch raspberries at gays or anyone else, you look silly being indignant if they get batted right back. Here’s a clue, and if it stings you Queen Bee, so be it: Gayfolk want the law’s protection for marriages, same as is offered to you. Your and your brethren’s acceptance is quite secondary.

- Bill

Posted 11/14/08 02:18 AM

P.S. Queen Bee: In its decision legalizing gay marriage, the California Supreme Court specifically said that NO clergy can be forced to perform or recognize a same-sex marriage. Weren’t you told that little detail?

- Bill

Posted 11/14/08 02:34 AM

Mormon + Catholics = KKK and Nazis All of the them scrapegoat gays when it is convenient for their purposes. I promise to do all I can to eliminate tax exemptions for hate groups like yours.

- Bruce

Posted 11/14/08 10:02 AM

Hey Bill: What you so eloquently fail to fathom with your dizzying intellect is that the law has been changed with regards to same sex marriage once and if allowed to be unimpeded. it will be changed again. Anyone with a degree of foresight can see the path that same sex marriage is taking us down will be one where all the civil rights and legal actions are granted to a minority who will not stop until all their demands are met no matter the consequence on others. You didn’t really believe that would be end of it do you?

- Billy Boy

Posted 11/14/08 10:13 AM

Bill, what is stopping you from amending or changing the law 5 years from now? 10? Your challenging it now so once you get this step when to you take the next? Is your community/supporters finished seeking what it is that you want if this were to pass? Was there some secret pow wow that you all swore that if you received the title of marriage not one of you will seek to amend the laws and to legally go after religious institutions for not recognizing you in the same way traditional marriage is? People base their votes on hypothetical situations. These are questions they might have asked themselves in order to form the best opinion possible that was right for them. All of what Obama said was hypothetical. We are just now waiting for him to put some of his plans into effect whether we like them or not. I “hide” behind my doctrine no different than you hide behind your sexual orientation/support of it. I see how easy it is to call me disrespectful and to even, without ever saying the words, call me a hater because I don’t agree with you. I know WITHOUT my faith that same-sex marriage is NOT the same as traditional marriage. I would never question the same level of commitment or love for each other and your children but the family units are different, pro-creation is different, genetics of children are different. You can claim that those who can’t have children get pregnant the same way same-sex couples get pregnant via invetro but if there wasn’t an issue of infertility the heterosexual couple would have chosen to do it naturally. In the end of this disagreement though, I would much rather be pelted with raspberries than have burning Book of Mormons on my lawn, forced to move from my home, resigning from jobs, closing my restaurant because people chose to write untrue remarks on their ratings, letters with suspicious white powder sent to places where I worship, spit on, my children cursed at, threatening to “bury people into the ground” with boycotts, etc. I would figure that these are true forms of hate and bigotry by the gay community/supporters. I would then assume if you agreed with their action because those people “deserve” it then the hate and bigotry in YOUR heart Bill burns just a brightly as those who have chosen

- Queen Bee

Posted 11/14/08 10:25 AM

continued…………I would then assume if you agreed with their action because those people “deserve” it then the hate and bigotry in YOUR heart Bill burns just a brightly as those who have chosen to personally create fear and harass those who supported the ban. So in your case I would never ask for respect because I know you are incapable of giving it. Again, you and the gay rights activist are the first ones to demand freedom of speech but if a hint of opposition comes against you, you are very quick to criticize and label those (possibly silencing them) by calling them haters, bigots, or homophobes while using aggressive bullying type behavior.

- Queen Bee

Posted 11/14/08 10:29 AM

You get’em Queen Bee. Ditto that.

- Billy Boy

Posted 11/14/08 10:35 AM

Prop 8 in CA, 102 in AZ, etc. are not about “hate” but about what the majority (you know, what a Democracy is all about) feel is the right choice for their state. After seeing what is happening in MA (Adoption centers closing, churches forced to perform “gay marriages”, etc.) these states have decided they don’t want the same happening in their state, and that is their right. If you don’t agree, move somewhere more in line with your views, or work to change the law. The only hate I see is everyone attacking those who enacted their right to voted how they chose.

- Charles

Posted 11/14/08 12:19 PM