A Mormon in the Aftermath of Prop 8

A Mormon in the Aftermath of Prop 8

Friday, November 14, 2008

filed under: family

Guest blogger Vanessa: There are two sides to every story. Here's mine.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, known to most as the Mormon church. Two months ago, I had no idea what Proposition 8 was or how much it would affect me.

Deciding to support it was one of the greatest emotional conflicts I have ever been through in my entire life. I dearly love all of my gay friends. They are some of the most wonderful people I have ever met and I want them to be happy. I fully support domestic partnerships because I know that everyone wants to be with the one they love.

Yet there was an unsettled feeling in the pit in my stomach -- the definition of marriage. I am religious and believe the Biblical definition as being between a man and woman, going all the way back to Adam and Eve. Marriage is the crucial partnership that makes it possible to biologically have children together and seal a family unit.

But what would people think? Would they understand?

I wasn't alone in my confusion. Many of my church friends where going through the same turmoil. Firm in their beliefs, but not wanting to alienate their gay friends and coworkers.

After a month of praying about the issue, I came to a personal realization. What is this really about? The definition of marriage. Man and woman. I decided that I would follow my faith, although a large part of me was left sorrowful.

I didn't donate money to Yes on Prop 8, but like many others, I donated my time. I held "Yes on Prop 8" signs and went polling. I was flipped off, called horrible names and was the target of much yelling. It's okay, though, I understand. They have the right to yell, and I listened to what they had to say.

Could they understand? Could they know how much I still cared for them?

Election Day came. I was proud to see all of the "I Voted" stickers on everyone in my city and I celebrated what I thought would be a new era ... where we would come together to work through the issues facing our nation.

The next morning, Prop 8 passed. I was honestly surprised. I don't watch much TV, and all of the ads I had heard on the radio were against the proposition. Officials such as Governor Schwarzenegger and Senator Diane Feinstein (who I have complete respect for) had both opposed it.

Although I was glad that the hours of time invested had paid off, I was far from happy. My heart broke for all of the couples that woke up that morning, not knowing if they were married or not. I cried at my desk when I was alone. I couldn't imagine what they were going through and I prayed that they might be comforted.

That's when I noticed a change. People who opposed Prop 8 were angry. A completely natural reaction of course, but this was different. This was a kind of anger that I had never been exposed to. The anger seemed filled with hate and distrust ... and the search was on to find a reason Prop 8 passed. And someone to blame.

Then the protests started. I couldn't believe it at first. The blaming finger had pointed at the Mormon church, a religion that makes up under two percent of the California population (and later I found out that we made up LESS THAN FIVE PERCENT of the yes vote). Yes, a large portion of Yes on Prop 8's donations came from members of our church. But didn't they have the right to donate to a cause that they believed in?

And it wasn't just blame, it was accusations of hate and prejudice ... everything that I have stood against my entire life.

The protesters were at the Los Angeles Temple ... MY temple. My place of worship. Somewhere that I had always felt safe. I had so many emotions inside of me that I couldn't differentiate one from the other. Would they desecrate my place of worship? Would my family and friends be safe from harm?

I had to know for myself and headed down to the temple as soon as I got off work.

The sea of protesters were marching peacefully but were carrying cruel and offensive anti-Mormon signs. My heart sank and I left determined to prove their accusations wrong.

I wanted to make sure that my church friends understood the other side of the story and felt compassion for all those who were hurting.

I discovered that they already did understand. They were going through the same thing I was. Not all of them had even voted yes on the issue. But no matter how they voted, their hearts were still open to those who were standing against them.

Over the next few days, things were rough for both sides. The protesters continued, although I helplessly felt there was nothing I could do for them. Our gates were written on, they banged on the doors of our chapel and stood outside our parking lot to take photos of our license plates. The members who had donated money to Yes on Prop 8 were exposed online, open for attack.

Blog posts and emails from church members started to pop up everywhere -- messages of love and peace and encouragement. Every prayer at church that Sunday spoke for the safety of our members and that those who where yelling outside our gates would be comforted and feel our love for them.

This was not an issue of hate. For me, it was purely an issue of religious belief. We have all made sacrifices. Many have lost friends, and others abandoned by their coworkers. I, myself, had to find another place to live.

I believe that God loves all of us, and it is our duty to love one another as his children ... through all of the trials and tribulations that we face together.

164 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

This is flat-out discrimination. To the gays in our country: I’m sorry. Hang in there.

- Barb

Posted 11/14/08 12:24 PM

Sounds like the gays are being sore losers.

- just sayin'

Posted 11/14/08 12:45 PM

I don’t really understand the purpose of this article. So, you’re firm enough in your religious belief to campaign for Prop 8, but want to make sure people still like you? It reads more like a narcissistic ramble than as a genuine attempt to tell “the other side” of the story.

- Nicole

Posted 11/14/08 01:24 PM

I was 21, a returned missionary in 1971 and I also knew I was gay. I’d counseled with my mission president and he said, “Don’t worry, study, pray and work hard and when you get home, get married as soon as you can. Oh, and never tell anyone.” This was the standard counsel given at that time. I was obedient to the church policy just as this writer was. I did get married. I love my wife and always will. We were blessed with five children. But things didn’t turn out with a fairy tale ending the way they were supposed to. One can not ‘live a lie’ forever without self destructing. When I finally acknowledged reality it had severe consequences for all of us. My wife and I have both grown from this experience but I soon found that there was no place for me within the church. So much for family values. How could the church provide any care for our family with the ‘elephant in the room’ nobody could talk about? There are lots of young people within the church who are gay and are reaching the age where they will have to make decisions about where their life will go. Some will choose to enter heterosexual marriages because that seems to be the only option open to them if they are to be obedient. Others will be wise enough to avoid the trap of living a lie and will have to look for other paths. Within the church, the only option is one of solitary celibacy, not too inviting and not a practical option for most of them. How satisfying, to be an outcast in a religious community you love and revere! So, most of them will leave the church and find partners and form families (yes, we do that) and many will raise children. If the church continues to follow its present course, it will turn its back on these families and do all it can to deny them any recognition or protection as families under the law. When I was 21 there was little public discourse about gay and lesbian people. That’s not true now. What will today’s young gay and lesbian church members choose? How will it affect their families? The church role in passage of proposition 8 will certainly have an effect on their choices and plans. Will that role make any

- Alan Robinson

Posted 11/14/08 01:28 PM

I feel what Vanessa was saying was that her religion strongly believes that God created marriage and marriage is one of the fundamental purposes of our existance. And that Marriage is ordained between a man and woman thus enabling the creation of families. Mormons see marriage as the beginning of a family, a family in which they believe can be eternal. In fact, they do not even use the powers of creating life (sex) until after they are married. So marriage to them includes a vast deal more than a certificate. It is creating a familiy that will last forever. And obviously, Gender is quite important in this belief b/c in order to have children you must have a man and woman. When the LDS church came out on this issue, they were in no deliberate way (directly or indirectly) attacking others. They were and are simply standing behind one of their fundamental beliefs and practices: marriage and family. Also, I think Vanessa is saying that the LDS Church feels much love for those who are feeling pain b/c of the “YES” on prop 8. Many LDS members have close family, brothers, sisters, and close friends who feel pain on the issue b/c they experience same gender attraction, even as members of the LDS church. They want them to feel love from God more than anything. And as Mormon’s they believe that love from God is most felt in a family unit…Father, Mother, and children. I hope that explains a bit about the LDS church and its purpose in supporting Prop 8. Thanks Vanessa for your concern and love for those struggling at this time.

- Red Girl

Posted 11/14/08 02:12 PM

I was born into the Mormon church but as I grew and realized that I was a gay man I knew I could not follow a religion that did not believe in me. I live in Utah among mostly Mormon people and I must say that many are very nice but most are incredibly close minded in their acceptance of anyone who believes differently from them. I was saddened but not surprised when I found out that the Mormon Church had financed a good portion of the fight against gay marriage in California. I just can not understand how two gay or lesbian people celebrating their love and committment to each other through legal marriage vows affects anyone else let alone the headquarters of the Mormon Church in Salt Lake City. How does the marriage of gay people affect anyone person in any religion? These gay couples work, pay their share of taxes and live normally among everyone else. How does their marriage affect any of their neighbors? Why would you care if they were married at all? I just watched the video produced by MSNBC’s Countdown news program and Keith Olbermann in which he so eloquently discussed why the passage of Prop 8 is so tragic. I challenge everyone reading my letter to go to their website and watch it. He does not talk about politics or specific religious points of view rather he focusses only on the issue of love and acceptance. Watching him speak literally brought tears to my eyes. Please watch it and then, if you voted yes on Prop 8, take a moment and sit back and really try to take in what he is saying. Really listen to him and if you truly believe in the love of humanity and the love mankind can bring to each other regardless of their religion or if they are gay or lesbian then its my sincere hope that you will truly understand that your yes vote on Prop 8 was a mistake. Thank you.

- Michael Todd Deschamps

Posted 11/14/08 02:33 PM

I’m sorry, but I have no sympathy for this blogger, either. Her basis for making her choice about marriage being based on the biblical definition that it’s between and man and a woman is fine… if we lived in a THEOCRACY. Wake up lady, we don’t. And not everyone out there shares your religious views. So, more or less, your vote represents the fact that deep down, you believe that those who do not share your religious beliefs aren’t entitled to the same rights as those who do. Do you also support the stoning to death of women in countries run by extremist muslims because it is THEIR religious belief that that’s OK? Think about it; I did. And I voted NO, despite my religious beliefs. And those protesters have every right to be angry with the mormon church; as you say, it only comprises 2% of the California population, but it managed to fund a large percentage of the “yes on 8” propaganda. It’s just another example of your religion forcing its way into where it doesn’t belong: the government.

- Liz

Posted 11/14/08 02:39 PM

You can’t harm people and expect them to be civil and courteous to you. Gay people have been quiet and respectful for way too long. After literally thousands of years of hatred and violence toward Gay people by the followers of the christian religion you should expect this anger. Don’t be surprised. It is so disingenuous.

- Lance Bergstrom

Posted 11/14/08 04:59 PM

Thank you for this thoughtful post. I too have been stunned by the acts of violence, aggression and vandalism directed against Mormons who voted Yes on Prop 8. No one should be subjected to threats of violence and intimidation for voting in America - no matter what beliefs they hold which propel their vote.

- impressed with your courage

Posted 11/14/08 06:01 PM

Sorry Vanessa, you’ve cast your pearls before the swine. These angry voices will not listen to reason or sympathy. And when the activist judges overturn proposition 8, their collective voice will turn from anger to mock and scorn. The gays of the world will continue to parade before us in their lewd, demeaning behavior, and when the dust has settled, they will ask, or demand our love and trust.

- Dean

Posted 11/14/08 06:43 PM

The real issue here is weather Homosexuality is a lifestyle chose or a product of Biology. The Homosexual activist would have us believe it is a product of biology in order to promote their agenda,science says it is not. which leaves the answer to the prefered choice of those who practice it. Just as people can become dependent on other sexual practices such as pornography addiction child fixation, necrophilia and other related sexual disorders. sometimes the truth can be painful to hear but is always right. If this so called minority of people who choice to have sex with those of the same sex want to get married then they should simply change their life stile. If not they then must live with their choices. The homosexual backlash against the Mormons smacks of hypocrosy and bigotry and shows their true colors.

- Marcus

Posted 11/14/08 07:01 PM

Societies have always legislated what they believe should and should not be allowed in its communities. Should it allow Strip Clubs? Should it allow Drugs? Should it Allow Adult Bookstores? This issue came down to whether or not society agrees whether or not a relationship between two same sex individuals constitutes a socially approved relationship called marriage. We voted no—homosexual relationships are not marriage relationships. You should not feel bad. I certainly don’t. I feel sorrow for individuals caught up in this mess and hope they can move on under our new, and appropriate, laws.

- - Anonymous

Posted 11/14/08 07:09 PM

The definition of marriage has ALWAYS been a public issue and has ALWAYS been between a man and a woman. The idea that marriage is a private issue, only between the two involved, is only a recent change in thought. From the gay tolerant Greeks, through the founding of this country it has always been a very public institution. It is not just a Christian or religious idea! Pagans and atheists throughout history have supported it as a foundation of society.

- steve

Posted 11/14/08 07:11 PM

Why impose your religious beliefs upon others? No one is taking away your rights to marry the person you love.

- Sally

Posted 11/14/08 08:18 PM

Thank you! I voted yes on 8 as well. I do not hate anyone. I wish people out there would truly take a step back and see the true reason that the majority of CA voted yes on 8… We do not hate you and though you may desicrate my place of worship, though you may yell in my face and call me names, I hope you know that the only retaliation you will get from me is my love and my prayers in your behalf.

- Shauna

Posted 11/14/08 08:20 PM

Sally, no one is imposing religious beliefs on you or anyone else. If anyone bothered to ask them, most 8 supporters would explain that they did not vote ‘Yes’ to discriminate against or show hatred for gays. I truly wish that more 8 opponents would seek understanding by asking questions instead of drawing their own conclusions. Yet, even when someone braves the storm and posts her thoughts on the matter, she gets roundly criticized in the comments. Most of the ‘H8’ I’ve seen has been not in the vote, but in the backlash.

- Anonymous

Posted 11/15/08 12:11 AM

Queen Bee: You said that churches will be forced to accept same-sex marriage if Prop 8 passed, but that’s false. You said lawsuits would occur, but no lawsuit would get past first base. I asked you for an example of the Catholic church forced to a divorced person’s remarriage, but you haven’t answered. You are no more forced to accept, in your personal life, the validity of same-sex marriage anymore than you’re forced to accept or even consider Judaism or Islam as your faith because you might have to interact with a Jew or Muslim on occasion. California law specifically allows parents to review health and family teaching material prior to anything, so the chances of your kids learning about gay marriage without your consent are nil. Nobody’s forcing or even asking you to compromise your beliefs for anything…you can run around and say gays are destined for hell, and nobody can stop you. You can vote however you want. But your hypotheticals and your arguments are little more than fear-mongering raspberries, having little basis in reality or probability. Last I checked, the Mormon church is doing just fine in Canada, where gay marriage is legal. So if you want to publicly pitch your fear-not-love-laden raspberries, go ahead, but you want to set the terms of the debate where people can’t call you on it. That, in a nutshell, is my problem with you. You. Not with Mormons in general because they are not all of the same mind on this, just you.But wait! There’s more!You also said, “what Christians believe in is God’s word not man’s and only God can change it.” Here’s a clue: You may be the last word on what God says to YOU, but nobody has to believe that you speak on His behalf to anyone, including other Christians. There are plenty of good Christians I know and respect, even Evangelicals and Mormons, who were adamantly opposed to Prop 8. They don’t all agree whether gay marriage was in the sight of God or not, but they voted No on 8. Why? Because in addition to being a religious institution, it’s also a civic institution apart from ANY creed. They’re secure enough in both their faith and in living in a pluralistic society that they would never use their faith as a cudgel to take away a civil right from somebody Not Like Them. They

- Bill

Posted 11/15/08 01:00 AM

(continued to Queen Bee) They would never hide behind their bibles to justify spreading falsehoods, half-truths and hyperbole in pursuit of a goal. Speaking of hyperbole, if the majority of gayfolk are furious with the Mormon church for its role in bankrolling a deceptive Yes-on-8 campaign, they should be. The LDS church gave an enthusiastic endorsement of Florida Amendment 2, which would deny not just marriage, but also domestic partnerships to gays. Their agenda isn’t pro-family, it’s anti-gay. Period. That said, it’s still a tiny minority that would condone, much less conduct, acts of violence or vandalism. Stop painting the gay communities and their supporters with the same big, ugly brush.

- Bill

Posted 11/15/08 01:09 AM

Billy Boy: Thanks for acknowledging my dizzying intellect. I’m delighted to see that St. George now knows the dragon can put up a fight. But your head-scratching argument about the path to same-sex marriage leading to other minorities getting the goodies (no matter the consequences) is an old and discredited one. They squealed that when women became partners in marriage and not their husband’s property, it would destroy the family. They yabbered that the repeal of anti-miscegenation laws would lead to men and women marrying baboons. But none of that happened, and anybody at the time who opened their eyes knew these weren’t going to happen. Here’s a clue: Gays and lesbians could not have had the success they’ve had by just whining for it. It took thousands-upon-thousands-upon-thousands of stable, productive gay households being good partners, good neighbors, good colleagues and, yes, good moms and dads for people — family, friends, jurists, and even ourselves — to slough off their old prejudices, rationalizations, hatreds and fear. It’s getting harder and harder to paint us as less than what we are. We’ve proven, over and over, to more and more people that not only do gays deserve the right to marriage, we’ve earned it. Prop 8 is a big setback, but the pro-gay-marriage vote significantly improved over Prop 22. Time is not your side in this debate.

- Anonymous

Posted 11/15/08 01:12 AM

Hmmm. If you “cared” about your gay friends the way you say you do, you would have voted “no on Prop 8.” I’m sorry. I’m so tired of hearing people say they have friends and loved ones who are gay, but they believe marriage is between a man and a woman. 40 years ago, a majority of the people in several states didn’t believe a black whites should marry — it wasn’t “marriage” in their opinion. Momlogic, are you giving gay parents a forum, too, so they can express their feelings? I sure hope so.

- Judy

Posted 11/15/08 02:04 AM