A Mormon in the Aftermath of Prop 8

A Mormon in the Aftermath of Prop 8

Friday, November 14, 2008

filed under: family

Guest blogger Vanessa: There are two sides to every story. Here's mine.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, known to most as the Mormon church. Two months ago, I had no idea what Proposition 8 was or how much it would affect me.

Deciding to support it was one of the greatest emotional conflicts I have ever been through in my entire life. I dearly love all of my gay friends. They are some of the most wonderful people I have ever met and I want them to be happy. I fully support domestic partnerships because I know that everyone wants to be with the one they love.

Yet there was an unsettled feeling in the pit in my stomach -- the definition of marriage. I am religious and believe the Biblical definition as being between a man and woman, going all the way back to Adam and Eve. Marriage is the crucial partnership that makes it possible to biologically have children together and seal a family unit.

But what would people think? Would they understand?

I wasn't alone in my confusion. Many of my church friends where going through the same turmoil. Firm in their beliefs, but not wanting to alienate their gay friends and coworkers.

After a month of praying about the issue, I came to a personal realization. What is this really about? The definition of marriage. Man and woman. I decided that I would follow my faith, although a large part of me was left sorrowful.

I didn't donate money to Yes on Prop 8, but like many others, I donated my time. I held "Yes on Prop 8" signs and went polling. I was flipped off, called horrible names and was the target of much yelling. It's okay, though, I understand. They have the right to yell, and I listened to what they had to say.

Could they understand? Could they know how much I still cared for them?

Election Day came. I was proud to see all of the "I Voted" stickers on everyone in my city and I celebrated what I thought would be a new era ... where we would come together to work through the issues facing our nation.

The next morning, Prop 8 passed. I was honestly surprised. I don't watch much TV, and all of the ads I had heard on the radio were against the proposition. Officials such as Governor Schwarzenegger and Senator Diane Feinstein (who I have complete respect for) had both opposed it.

Although I was glad that the hours of time invested had paid off, I was far from happy. My heart broke for all of the couples that woke up that morning, not knowing if they were married or not. I cried at my desk when I was alone. I couldn't imagine what they were going through and I prayed that they might be comforted.

That's when I noticed a change. People who opposed Prop 8 were angry. A completely natural reaction of course, but this was different. This was a kind of anger that I had never been exposed to. The anger seemed filled with hate and distrust ... and the search was on to find a reason Prop 8 passed. And someone to blame.

Then the protests started. I couldn't believe it at first. The blaming finger had pointed at the Mormon church, a religion that makes up under two percent of the California population (and later I found out that we made up LESS THAN FIVE PERCENT of the yes vote). Yes, a large portion of Yes on Prop 8's donations came from members of our church. But didn't they have the right to donate to a cause that they believed in?

And it wasn't just blame, it was accusations of hate and prejudice ... everything that I have stood against my entire life.

The protesters were at the Los Angeles Temple ... MY temple. My place of worship. Somewhere that I had always felt safe. I had so many emotions inside of me that I couldn't differentiate one from the other. Would they desecrate my place of worship? Would my family and friends be safe from harm?

I had to know for myself and headed down to the temple as soon as I got off work.

The sea of protesters were marching peacefully but were carrying cruel and offensive anti-Mormon signs. My heart sank and I left determined to prove their accusations wrong.

I wanted to make sure that my church friends understood the other side of the story and felt compassion for all those who were hurting.

I discovered that they already did understand. They were going through the same thing I was. Not all of them had even voted yes on the issue. But no matter how they voted, their hearts were still open to those who were standing against them.

Over the next few days, things were rough for both sides. The protesters continued, although I helplessly felt there was nothing I could do for them. Our gates were written on, they banged on the doors of our chapel and stood outside our parking lot to take photos of our license plates. The members who had donated money to Yes on Prop 8 were exposed online, open for attack.

Blog posts and emails from church members started to pop up everywhere -- messages of love and peace and encouragement. Every prayer at church that Sunday spoke for the safety of our members and that those who where yelling outside our gates would be comforted and feel our love for them.

This was not an issue of hate. For me, it was purely an issue of religious belief. We have all made sacrifices. Many have lost friends, and others abandoned by their coworkers. I, myself, had to find another place to live.

I believe that God loves all of us, and it is our duty to love one another as his children ... through all of the trials and tribulations that we face together.

164 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

I’m in one of those couples that woke up on Nov. 5 unsure if our marriage was still legal or not. Maybe you should have thought about all of the people whose marriages you would potentially ruin with your vote before the election instead of regretting it the day after. I’m sick of hearing that your rationale is that you really love us. Well, if you love us so much, just leave us alone and worry about your own marriages and stop forcing your religious dogma on us. None of us want to get married in a mormon temple or church so why should this really even concern you? This post-campaign regret that I hear from many mormon bloggers just makes me ill.

- Gary

Posted 11/15/08 03:59 AM

I see a lot of folks that don’t like the truth. The truth is, GOD defined marrage as a union of a man and woman. I don’t see where voting changes God’s mind. I know that the protests don’t inspire me to trust those who are protesting. If they belived in the role of the vote, THEY LOST. sit down, shut up and let it go. Paul

- Paul Liddiard

Posted 11/15/08 04:06 AM

“Momlogic, are you giving gay parents a forum, too, so they can express their feelings?” Why should the whole world change to suit a small group? You feel isolated because you’ve made yourselves different, and then complained about being treated diffently.

- Anonymous

Posted 11/15/08 11:53 AM

Mr. Liddiard, I am so glad to find out that God has been talking to you and telling you what is in his mind. You are soooooo special.

- czar2004

Posted 11/15/08 02:09 PM

We live in a democracy. I like it that way. I vote for what I want and hope that enough other people feel the same way. Obviously, I don’t always get my way, but the majority always get their way. And that is how it should be. If the outcome didn’t turn out how you wanted it to, instead of blaming, how about just recruiting more voters to your side? Obviously more people wanted Prop 8 than wanted it shut down. Don’t blame mormons, catholics, and conservatives, they have the right to their opinions just as much as you do. Majority rules!

- unnamed

Posted 11/15/08 02:26 PM

For years gay rights activists had spoken but rarely anyone would lend an ear. Again and again we are left without rights after each election. I am proud that we are taking actions to fight for equality. You don’t love your gay friends, you merely tolerated them to make yourself feel good. Prop 8 is just what you needed to show your true self. YOU ARE NOT A FRIEND.

- Pazzie

Posted 11/15/08 03:24 PM

My church teaches that a marriage is only valid when it is blessed by the Christian church. Since Mormonism is not recognized by my church as being Christian, no Mormon marriages are valid. Really, Mormon marriages go against the very definition of marriage. I hope the author of this post understands why I would support a law invalidating Mormon marriages. No hard feelings.

- JohnS.

Posted 11/15/08 04:55 PM

Hey Anonymous at 11/15/08 02:26 PM: If the majority can vote away an _existing_ _constitutional_ _right_, can we vote to take away one of yours? Like your right to free speech, or to vote, or to attend a church of your choosing, or marry somebody who’ll have you? Majority rules should trample over minority rights, right? Seriously, knock off with the red herrings already. Who the hell said that Mormon, Catholics, conservatives etc. aren’t entitled to their opinions? I’d fight for their right to say what they want, even if I think they’re wrong. But anybody, gay or straight, has the right to call them on it when they spout s**t. That’s part of democracy too, and s**t is exactly what these churches did with an organized ‘Yes-on-8’ campaign of falsehoods and half-truths that would deny equal protection to all. What part of ‘all’ don’t you understand?

- Bill

Posted 11/15/08 07:10 PM

Certificates are received according to the qualifications established by the issuing institution. Graduating from high school is a civil right to all children. However, do we allow every child to receive a diploma regardless the efforts or lack thereof of each student. No, each child must meet the qualifications of graduation. A person has the right to run a restaurant, but if the owner does not have the certificate to cook due to cleanliness, the cook has no right to operate a restaurant. A person cannot practice dentistry if (s)he is not certified. I know we live in an era where we want to reward everyone regardless of effort and achievement, but that only leads to mediocrity and laziness. Our Constitution was built on religious principles. Our Fore Fathers were all religious, God-fearing men. They intended for laws and amendments to be established according to what the people believed to be morally right. The fundamental makeup of a society is founded upon its moral makeup and principles. Without beliefs, you have a societless people. Separation of church and states was never intended to take religion out of government. It was to prevent the government and a single religion from being one in the same, one voice; one authority. A people from all different religious sects, ethnic backgrounds, and sexual tendencies voted; and the majority of the very same people determined the qualifications for the certificate of marriage.

- Jamison

Posted 11/15/08 11:23 PM

aww i feel so sad for you and your conflicted little mind. do what you must, just don’t expect me to patronize your businesses or hide my contempt.

- TJ Parker

Posted 11/16/08 12:24 AM

I really hate people like you, who use their religious beliefs to try and control other people and tell them how to live their life. Who are you to impose your religious beliefs on someone else?! I know you bible thumpers feel the need to “save” everyone, but frankly people don’t need “saving” from you. If you would just focus on you own lives and stopped interfering whith everyone else’s that would make the world a better place! What happened to tolerance? Does everyone need to live by your religious book? You know it was once used to justify slavery, it’s been used to start too many religious wars and what for? Love? That’s complete BS! I shouldn’t have to live by your religious standards! Voting “Yes” on Prop 8 is like saying that “Separate but Equal” is OK, does that ring any bells for you?

- Anonymous

Posted 11/16/08 06:19 AM

I guess love and respect is not a two-way street, considering all of the hateful comments coming from the opposite side… But, I must ask: Mormon’s alone are selfish for voting their beliefs? How is any democratic decision not somehow based in selfishness? It’s the very nature of our system: we vote for what WE (meaning, ourselves) want, and majority rules. We can’t simply vote on something because we feel pity or sadness for other people— The correct democratic decision is to analyze how it will affect your life, and your way of living. And yes, we can choose to vote for the little people, the minority, and that’s our prerogative, but the majority of voters aren’t going to be so quick as to simply back down on their own political/religious/cultural views to make someone feel better. Competing self-interests is what destroys political subjectivity. There will never be a right and a wrong for any issue. The No on 8 people are contending that there is, and thus anyone who supported it is a bigot, and full of raging hate for homosexuals. That sort of stereotyping is ludicrous and dangerous. This blogger is simply declaring that her emotions and her beliefs are not like some No on 8 people are believing them to be - It’s as if they believe that any person who voted Yes on 8 is simply too full of hate to ever matter, and they all conspire against gays and lesbians in secret meetings in Temples and they all really wish they could wear white hoods and burn crosses, and, as some signs I saw, don a Swastika and put them in gas showers. Come on, people. Its not THAT black and white. Fight for your right, but attacking the other side with hate speech and your own brand of bigotry, is only making you look foolish and angsty, like a teenager who’s been grounded. Show some respect, and maybe the Yes on 8 people will begin to see your POV, and a compromise can be made. Civil Unions for all, I say… Marriages for those who want it…

- J.

Posted 11/16/08 03:20 PM

YES on 8 ! Agree, agree agree on: The action of voting yes on Prop 8 does not show hatred of people, only hatred of a behavior. It may be a slap across the face, but just because a few people feel hurt means that the church needs to change their stance? What happens to a church or a society that changes its values at people’s whims? The LDS church is not a democracy. Our government is. The people of CA voted in a democratic election. Add: Chnage laws on survivorship, not marriage. If you insist, okay change marriage but also allow that people can marry their pets so if they die their pet can inherit.

- Millions of Anonymous

Posted 11/16/08 08:17 PM

Comparing gay marriages to people marrying their pet is downright rude! Our constitutions is not there to protect the wants of the majority while squashing the freedoms of the minorities. Gay people should be allowed to marry. This is not at matter of religion it’s a matter of equal rights. Time and again our state and federal supreme courts have ruled that separate but equal is not equal. Was it separate but equal when black people were forced to attend “separate but equal schools”? No it wasn’t! Civil unions are NOT a separate but equal alternative to marriage for gay people. Churches that don’t believe gay marriage should be allowed should NOT be forced to preform gay marriages, however, churches and other establishments that don’t feel that the gay lifestyle goes against their beliefs SHOULD be legally allowed to preform gay marriages. And gay marriage should be LEGALLY accepted by all of our United States of America.

- It's about Freedom!! Get it??

Posted 11/16/08 11:11 PM

Rapier-like wit! So interesting that so many read with no more intent than justify their position. Pat yourself on the back, you wrote something smart. Lacking one of those,”Ah- Ha!” moments from any posts, “props” to a girl not afraid to try bridge a divide, not widen it.

- interested

Posted 11/17/08 01:12 AM

I am glad to see that you are trying to understand the other side of this issue. I am trying my best to understand yours as well. The pain that you feel and the fear of going to a place you once felt safe at …. thats something that us gay people have felt our entire life. I really hate to sound mean or disrespectful but I am glad you get to experience a brief moment of what we go through everyday..the fear, the rejection, and the hatred. I to can not go back to my church and no longer feel welcome not by choice but by force. Embrace this moment that you have because if you are as educated as you sound, you will learn from it. Yes, marriage is a sacrament, maybe us gays shouldn’t have the privilege of the others as well…does that sound equal?

- Anthony

Posted 11/17/08 11:48 AM

I’m a Latter-day Saint also. You are not alone. Keep praying, keep choosing the right. God will continue to lead and guide, he will not let us go astray. It is often lonely being on the moral pathway - but ‘we are as the Army of Helaman’ - we will proclaim His truth. The “Gay Marriage” battle is about much more than simply marriage. Churches who teach that homosexual relations are wrong are a natural enemy to the gay movement. Until gays can silence these churches, they cannot achieve their goal of total public acceptance of their sexual behavior. Marriage is not the stamp of approval that will make them equal, but a tool to silence those who preach against their behavior. The churches realize this and are fighting back to preserve their right to speak out on what they believe is a serious moral issue. After achieving universal equality in marriage via the courts, gay activists will turn their efforts to directly challenge the churches who teach that homosexuality is immoral. With sexual orientation affirmed as a federally protected civil right and gay marriage equal in every way to heterosexual marriage, sexual relations between lawfully wedded gay spouses would not be a legitimate reason to sanction or exclude them from any church activity, facility, or even membership (i.e. If I marry a person of the same sex, on what basis can my church limit or revoke my membership without violating my civil rights? The answer is they can’t). The proscription against homosexual behavior is doctrinal, so the churches will be compelled to resist change, no matter what the consequences. Unfortunately beliefs, even when founded on strong religious principles, are not an excuse to break the law. Legality trumps morality in a court of law. Churches will lose their charitable tax status and suffer many other legal and social sanctions if they refuse to change their doctrine. Over time, public opinion will turn against them as it has with racist organizations and membership will decline. Churches have always sanctioned or excluded anyone having sexual relations outside of marriage. It is considered a serious sin and the rule applies equally to all. As long as gays are not “married”, churches can lawfully continue to oppose what they believe to be immoral sexual behavior, without regard to anyone’s sexual orientation. Including gays in the marriage covenant takes away the only effective defense

- SFA

Posted 11/17/08 05:13 PM

You say it was a religious decision. That’s fine… You can chose that way. But for Your Church, or any other church to promote their hate is what our Founding Fathers were ALL about. Remember when the Pilgrims came to America to escape religious persecution in England… Do you even remember your own faith being Driven out of the EAST to a desert in Utah because of Religious Persecution? But Now Your Church (and Others) want to inflict their Hate (AKA Religious Persecution) on those that don’t Agree with their Religious Views. Before the Constitution was written, there had been over 400 Religious Wars in America. (Most notable was Mass attacks Conn 1655) Do you want America to return to the AGE of HOLY WARS? Is this NOW IRAN? Our founding Fathers made Separation of Church and State for this VERY REASON. You didn’t “UPHOLD the Definition of Marriage” if You had, Mormons wouldn’t believe in Polygamy… and You Probably wouldn’t allow Blacks and Whites to still get married. Yes, that was Changed in 18 States back in 1967 because of Court action Civil Rights. What YOU and Your Church did… was Under Mine the Constitution and took away CIVIL Rights from those that the COURT said had a right to them. Well, you opened up a can of Worms… and we just might put a PROP on the Ballot taking away Mormons rights to Religion, because of their CULT practice of Organized Hate under the Federal Hate Crime Laws. Then see if you like “Basic Civil rights” being Voted away… When it happens to YOU. This isn’t Hate from me, I just believe ALL citizens are entitled to the Same Rights and Protection under the Constitution… and to DO OTHERWISE IS UN-AMERICAN. And should be dealt with as being Terrorism against Americans.

- chris

Posted 11/17/08 05:44 PM

Polygamy is not practised by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, but even when it was, it was STILL between man and woman.

- SFA

Posted 11/17/08 06:12 PM

SFA - You spout paranoid nonsense about gays taking over and silencing you, like they’re going to redecorate your temple and put a disco ball over the alter. You drank the Kool-Aid, and came back for seconds. I can’t help but feel that all you can offer is obedience because all you can talk about it is your fear, and fear wins when you don’t have faith. I wonder if you know the difference between obedience and faith. Besides, who’s to say that the LDS church won’t have another revelation like they did about polygamy or black people?

- Bill

Posted 11/18/08 02:50 AM