A Mormon in the Aftermath of Prop 8

A Mormon in the Aftermath of Prop 8

Friday, November 14, 2008

filed under: family

Guest blogger Vanessa: There are two sides to every story. Here's mine.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, known to most as the Mormon church. Two months ago, I had no idea what Proposition 8 was or how much it would affect me.

Deciding to support it was one of the greatest emotional conflicts I have ever been through in my entire life. I dearly love all of my gay friends. They are some of the most wonderful people I have ever met and I want them to be happy. I fully support domestic partnerships because I know that everyone wants to be with the one they love.

Yet there was an unsettled feeling in the pit in my stomach -- the definition of marriage. I am religious and believe the Biblical definition as being between a man and woman, going all the way back to Adam and Eve. Marriage is the crucial partnership that makes it possible to biologically have children together and seal a family unit.

But what would people think? Would they understand?

I wasn't alone in my confusion. Many of my church friends where going through the same turmoil. Firm in their beliefs, but not wanting to alienate their gay friends and coworkers.

After a month of praying about the issue, I came to a personal realization. What is this really about? The definition of marriage. Man and woman. I decided that I would follow my faith, although a large part of me was left sorrowful.

I didn't donate money to Yes on Prop 8, but like many others, I donated my time. I held "Yes on Prop 8" signs and went polling. I was flipped off, called horrible names and was the target of much yelling. It's okay, though, I understand. They have the right to yell, and I listened to what they had to say.

Could they understand? Could they know how much I still cared for them?

Election Day came. I was proud to see all of the "I Voted" stickers on everyone in my city and I celebrated what I thought would be a new era ... where we would come together to work through the issues facing our nation.

The next morning, Prop 8 passed. I was honestly surprised. I don't watch much TV, and all of the ads I had heard on the radio were against the proposition. Officials such as Governor Schwarzenegger and Senator Diane Feinstein (who I have complete respect for) had both opposed it.

Although I was glad that the hours of time invested had paid off, I was far from happy. My heart broke for all of the couples that woke up that morning, not knowing if they were married or not. I cried at my desk when I was alone. I couldn't imagine what they were going through and I prayed that they might be comforted.

That's when I noticed a change. People who opposed Prop 8 were angry. A completely natural reaction of course, but this was different. This was a kind of anger that I had never been exposed to. The anger seemed filled with hate and distrust ... and the search was on to find a reason Prop 8 passed. And someone to blame.

Then the protests started. I couldn't believe it at first. The blaming finger had pointed at the Mormon church, a religion that makes up under two percent of the California population (and later I found out that we made up LESS THAN FIVE PERCENT of the yes vote). Yes, a large portion of Yes on Prop 8's donations came from members of our church. But didn't they have the right to donate to a cause that they believed in?

And it wasn't just blame, it was accusations of hate and prejudice ... everything that I have stood against my entire life.

The protesters were at the Los Angeles Temple ... MY temple. My place of worship. Somewhere that I had always felt safe. I had so many emotions inside of me that I couldn't differentiate one from the other. Would they desecrate my place of worship? Would my family and friends be safe from harm?

I had to know for myself and headed down to the temple as soon as I got off work.

The sea of protesters were marching peacefully but were carrying cruel and offensive anti-Mormon signs. My heart sank and I left determined to prove their accusations wrong.

I wanted to make sure that my church friends understood the other side of the story and felt compassion for all those who were hurting.

I discovered that they already did understand. They were going through the same thing I was. Not all of them had even voted yes on the issue. But no matter how they voted, their hearts were still open to those who were standing against them.

Over the next few days, things were rough for both sides. The protesters continued, although I helplessly felt there was nothing I could do for them. Our gates were written on, they banged on the doors of our chapel and stood outside our parking lot to take photos of our license plates. The members who had donated money to Yes on Prop 8 were exposed online, open for attack.

Blog posts and emails from church members started to pop up everywhere -- messages of love and peace and encouragement. Every prayer at church that Sunday spoke for the safety of our members and that those who where yelling outside our gates would be comforted and feel our love for them.

This was not an issue of hate. For me, it was purely an issue of religious belief. We have all made sacrifices. Many have lost friends, and others abandoned by their coworkers. I, myself, had to find another place to live.

I believe that God loves all of us, and it is our duty to love one another as his children ... through all of the trials and tribulations that we face together.

164 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

Well, I do like that you have alot of Gay Friends. Overall, The rest of your story is bull. Just like so many others you base the institute of marriage of what you have been taught. Come on, if the institute of marriage is anything of what the hetrosexual world has made it, than should we as homosexuals really want anything to do with what the religious sector has defined this word. Hmmm, I think not. In the gay world, when two decide to commit themselves to one another, they are overall committed, they do not defile anything of the nature as to what the hetrosexual world has done to it, and they (hetrosexuals) want to say”Protect the Institute of Marriage” Barf!!! And than Religion, well, heres another story. Man has such a need to be able to validate where they came from and that they have purpose that twisted some writtings that were found to give them some validation.. Most people dont know that when Jesus Supposedly walk on water is that, the Red Sea at certain times is shallow enough for anyone to walk across, of course at that time, no one knew that, unless they took a chance and walked it, as did Moses and led the Israelites thru the Red Sea as well, and when the Romans came after them, headed over when the tide came back in and washed them out to there death. So, hmmm, it proves right there that man creates a story and tweeks it to what they thing is the truth. Anyways, we really need to stop worrying about what , “thy neighbor” is doing….

- Bryan Kasparek

Posted 11/18/08 11:58 PM

All this going back and forth just reminds me of the greatest evil to ever inflict man. Religion. God is a delusion and your church leaders prey on you taking your money and hours of your life when you could be truly helping others. Like Christopher Hitchens said, “God is not great. Religion poisons everything.”

- Jim

Posted 11/19/08 04:55 PM

The author of this article doesnt understand. It’s fine if you think that the definition of marriage is about a man and a woman. That’s not the point. The point is that YOU believe that it is between a man and a woman, but it is not your right to impose your beliefs, through the state,onto others. You believe that marriage is between you a woman and a man. Fine, then dont marry a woman, dont go against your religious beliefs. But dont impose your ideas on others. If gay people want the same rights such as getting insurance from their partners, and being able to be in the hospital when their partner is sick or dying, then you shouldnt have your religious views imposed on others. That is why people are so upset with Mormons. P.S. I didnt believe one word of your sappy concerns about the love for your gay friends. No respectable gay person would be friends with a person in a cult that doesnt respect them

- Erendira

Posted 11/19/08 07:36 PM

The best part about all of this is that you stood up for what you believe is Right. People disagree with your belief and views of how California should be governed. Well of course they do! But helloooooo, who cares?! People agree with you, too. In fact, a lot of people agree with you. And I’m one of them. You know who else? Los Angeles county. And you know who else? France. Still need more? Chuck Norris. Roundhouse! And Elton John. Yes, Sir. He said people shouldn’t be going after changing the word marriage. But it doesn’t matter. You voted for you, for what you thought was right. So don’t worry about us loud talkers on the internet. Like P Diddy would say, “don’t get it twisted, just do you.”

- Kenny McNett

Posted 11/20/08 03:10 AM

NO! Besides what you belive about ‘God’ it should not effect polotics. The fact that a person whould even pull their belifes into something that dosn’t concern them is sickening. Gay people deserve to have the same rights as everybody els but when you have social conservatives, you only breed hate in a time where we should be worried about more important thing like the economy or the war in afganastan.

- Anonymous

Posted 11/20/08 02:09 PM

I also Mormon, am appalled at the Church stance. I am appalled that the church got so involved. I am appalled that the church used underhanded tactics to avoid lose of tax exempt status. Intent is what is important. I am appalled that members voted against principals after listening to the call of the authorities. I am appalled by the prospect that if the church has gotten away with this, what political forum will they get involved in next. In my opinion they have lied(about not getting into the political arena)and they have stolen money for the American people(retaining their tax exempt status). When the church asks, we all jump. The church says please donate to the cause and the money flows. This has so angered me that I am seriously considering resigning my membership, not just becoming inactive but actually resigning.

- Judith V

Posted 11/20/08 03:34 PM

Woman votes to ruin the lives of even close friends that she loves by justifying that it’s a religious decision. Doesn’t understand later why angry people protest in front of her church. In the end fails to learn life lesson and writes a petty story to justify her being a victim.

- Honestly

Posted 11/20/08 07:01 PM

Vanessa, There have been a lot of comments on here that have shown the same anger & hate you talk about in your article. Know that there are still people standing beside you & rooting for you! I’m from Santa Monica & the LA Temple was “my” temple as well. Unfortunately, I no longer live in CA & was not able to vote on Prop. 8, but I’ve been following it very closely, & seeing the vandalism & hatred has been devastating. Thank you for voting in accordance with your conscience & for writing this article! I’m sorry that it’s made you a target of anger & hate by the very people preaching tolerance & acceptance, but your courage is a great example! Keep up the good work!

- kittyhill

Posted 11/21/08 09:15 AM

kittyhill: Without condoning _any_ violence or vandalism, don’t act like bad behavior is only coming from one side. Criticism of Vanessa’s stance, even if heated, may be sadness, or it may be anger, but it sure isn’t hate. Has anybody threatened her safety or family? Has she gotten anything close to something like this? “Vermont Senate Majority Leader John Campbell says he’s been threatened because of his plan to introduce a bill in January to legalize same-sex marriage. The Windsor County Democrat says he received a call at the Statehouse Wednesday by a woman who threatened to blow up his house.” (from the AP wire)

- Bill

Posted 11/21/08 11:09 AM

Poor martyr! All you did was strip these people of their legal rights and decide to impose your religious beliefs on their prior equal legal standing under the connstitution, yet these ingrates are ANGRY?! I just can’t understand it! You really are the biggest victim in the world. Boo hoo! How sad that nobody takes the time to consider how YOU feel. Grow up and think about someone other than yourself.

- Andy

Posted 11/25/08 04:51 PM

Nice try, however, once our government picked the term marriage for the legal contract between two people who want to share their lives, it stopped being a domain owned by the church. Marriage is a government defined term, key word here is “government”. The English language is filled with multiple meaning words: yours implies a lovely bond with “God” and churches, and blah, blah, blah, to the Gay community it means equal right under the law, laws implemented and enforced by our government. Same word two different meaninings. Fairness would indicate we do one of two things: One, make marriage available to all or two, remove the term marriage from legal land, sending it back to the world of “God” and churches, replacing it with something we can all share.

- Christy Smith

Posted 11/25/08 11:39 PM

Anyone who can logically weigh the issue would vote no on prop 8. Marriage doesn’t belong to religion or any group’s singular way of thought. Marriage predates religion AND politics. It existed in cultures from earliest history. Those who voted YES on prop 8 denied people from defining marriage for themselves. They should be ashamed. As a Mormon, I’m ashamed.

- david

Posted 11/29/08 11:01 AM

Sore LOSERS!!! Ha-ha you lost, Ha-ha you lost!!! Wake up and quit trying to justify you choice to live in SIN!! Ha-ha evil always loses…..

- FAMILYMAN

Posted 12/04/08 09:45 PM

I don’t live in California and I have no strong emotions for either side of the Prop 8 argument. The result is what it is, if you don’t like it…submit a bill to congress and work to get it passed by the people. Make the change happen, don’t whine about not getting what you want, it will get you no where. Don’t lash out at people who have a different opinion than you, they have every right to vote their conscience without harassment, threats of violence, and personal attacks. It is childish to throw a tantrum when things don’t go your way. Pick yourself and try again, don’t hate religions or groups of people because you believe they have a secret agenda against. Work hard to prove your point and win the day some other time. Mailing fake anthrax threats and calling names takes away from the importance of your message. I wish everyone could peacefully discuss their differences with love and hope for the future.

- Anne

Posted 12/05/08 03:06 PM

Please stop the name calling and immature bickering. No on Prop 8? Keep trying, fight for your cause with dignity and respect for others. Yes on Prop 8? Don’t gloat and don’t belittle other peoples beliefs and sacred principles. It doesn’t do anybody or any cause any good to be an ungracious winner or sore loser. At the end of the day neither side is going to go away, you have to live in each other’s communities and work together.

- Anne

Posted 12/05/08 03:13 PM

Yes, a large portion of Yes on Prop 8’s donations came from members of our church. But didn’t they have the right to donate to a cause that they believed in? Yes, of course they did, Vanessa. But why don’t they have the courage to take the consequences for supporting a cause they believed in? They believed it was right to take away a minority group’s civil rights, and they donated money to do so, knowing (I trust) that this would be public information. If they’re proud of the cause they supported, why are they not able to continue to take pride in that? Because they know what they did is shameful and wrong. Now it’s exposed. This was not an issue of hate. For me, it was purely an issue of religious belief. We have all made sacrifices. Many have lost friends, and others abandoned by their coworkers. I, myself, had to find another place to live. Well, I hope that the sacrifices you made in order to take away civil rights from your friends struck you as worthwhile. If it was so important to you to enforce your religious beliefs on those who do not share them, it ought to have been important enough for you to take the consequences without whining about it. You can’t vote to take civil rights away from your friends and still expect to have them stay your friends. That’s just not how friends behave towards each other. You had a choice: to choose to love your friends or your religion. You made your choice. Live with it. The people who thought you were their friend have to do so, too.

- Jesurgislac

Posted 12/08/08 09:43 AM

I am a retired military member who is, I think, fairly conservative Catholic and not gay. I have a couple problems with this whole issue. First is the idea that any church is using their pulpit (mine did it too) to involve itself in politics. I spent the better part of my adult life protecting the constitution and to have so many publically violate it and get away with it… If you want to preach politics at the pulpit, that’s fine, give up your tax exempt status. You don’t get both! PERIOD. It’s the law. Second is the whole idea that this is even a voting issue. This is a legal issue. The courts made the decision, there didn’t need to be a vote. So now do we vote on every murderer who’s been convicted of a crime. If people and churches don’t like it, they don’t have to participate. If your church doesn’t want to marry gays, than don’t. Third is the churches: The greatest commandment is to love one another. God made us ALL in HIS image. He is the only judge. I don’t have the scriptures all memorized (I’m Catholic we don’t do that) but those are the key elements of most religions. Even most non-Christian religions are based on some form of acceptance and love. So why are we, in 2008, still stuck in this fear? Don’t try the old they can’t have children, lots of straight couples can’t or don’t have children. There are so many things we should come together to fight for. Fight for the end to hunger, domestic violence, homelessness. It sounds cliche but seriously, I just found this site. You people have been rattling on about this for over a month now.

- Beth

Posted 12/08/08 01:14 PM

I simply cannot feel sorry for any pro-Prop 8 Mormons whose feelings have been hurt by the outraged victims of their votes. For any Mormon to to say that their vote was based on a definition of marriage as “one man, one woman” is rank hypocrisy. The Mormon church itself has probably endured more historical (and hysterical) bigotry than any other religious group in U.S. history — and primarily because of its own original, different “definition” of marriage to mean “one man, many women.” Granted, that is no longer the official position of the dominant Mormon denomination, but it remains the fact of Mormonism’s early founding and initial history. For a people that historically suffered great prejudice because they did not fit into the marriage mainstream to turn around and weep alligator tears when people lambast their hypocrisy and historical Alzheimer’s reflects nothing but increased shame on these people as just one more group that thinks it should have the right to have their own religious definitions written into law to apply to everyone.

- BR

Posted 12/08/08 02:49 PM

somewhat off the subject, but PLEASE, anyone who is EVER going to argue about something NEVER start with “some of my best freinds are (gay, black, hindu, fill-in-the-blank). That is the TELL TALE sign of bigotry- that you’re going to go on to say something bigoted. Anytime someone starts ANYTHING with “Some of my best friends are…” I just take a BIG OLD step back. Just cause you THINK these people are your friends (and, newsflash, they’re probably onto your bullshit) doesn’t give y ou an excuse to go on and say soemthing bigoted. Sorry. As for Prop 8- this won’t stand. The outrage will carry this on. Keep fighting- now you have the nation’s attention.

- Ally

Posted 12/08/08 07:29 PM

I support Prop. 8. I hear alot of questions from against prop 8 supporters like this: How does our getting married affect you anyway? Well, I want to ask the same question. How does it not affect us? It changes so much. Look at statistics of places where homosexual marriages are practiced. Look at studies and the overall affect it has on children and society. Look at the actual % of homosexuals that actually want to get married (which is less the 1% of the 5% gay people in America)and the stats on how long gay couples actually stay together. The sanctity of marriage is already struggling as it is and needs help. Why add any more confusion. Come up with your own name of what you want to call it. I haven’t “taken away” any of your rights pertaining to marriage. You never had them to begin with. You don’t have the right to force your belief on the majority. If you want to go and get “married”, go to Massachusetts and do it where it is legal and leave Cal. alone. It clearly does not want it legalized there.

- so tired of this issue

Posted 12/09/08 01:16 AM