A Mormon in the Aftermath of Prop 8

A Mormon in the Aftermath of Prop 8

Friday, November 14, 2008

filed under: family

Guest blogger Vanessa: There are two sides to every story. Here's mine.

I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, known to most as the Mormon church. Two months ago, I had no idea what Proposition 8 was or how much it would affect me.

Deciding to support it was one of the greatest emotional conflicts I have ever been through in my entire life. I dearly love all of my gay friends. They are some of the most wonderful people I have ever met and I want them to be happy. I fully support domestic partnerships because I know that everyone wants to be with the one they love.

Yet there was an unsettled feeling in the pit in my stomach -- the definition of marriage. I am religious and believe the Biblical definition as being between a man and woman, going all the way back to Adam and Eve. Marriage is the crucial partnership that makes it possible to biologically have children together and seal a family unit.

But what would people think? Would they understand?

I wasn't alone in my confusion. Many of my church friends where going through the same turmoil. Firm in their beliefs, but not wanting to alienate their gay friends and coworkers.

After a month of praying about the issue, I came to a personal realization. What is this really about? The definition of marriage. Man and woman. I decided that I would follow my faith, although a large part of me was left sorrowful.

I didn't donate money to Yes on Prop 8, but like many others, I donated my time. I held "Yes on Prop 8" signs and went polling. I was flipped off, called horrible names and was the target of much yelling. It's okay, though, I understand. They have the right to yell, and I listened to what they had to say.

Could they understand? Could they know how much I still cared for them?

Election Day came. I was proud to see all of the "I Voted" stickers on everyone in my city and I celebrated what I thought would be a new era ... where we would come together to work through the issues facing our nation.

The next morning, Prop 8 passed. I was honestly surprised. I don't watch much TV, and all of the ads I had heard on the radio were against the proposition. Officials such as Governor Schwarzenegger and Senator Diane Feinstein (who I have complete respect for) had both opposed it.

Although I was glad that the hours of time invested had paid off, I was far from happy. My heart broke for all of the couples that woke up that morning, not knowing if they were married or not. I cried at my desk when I was alone. I couldn't imagine what they were going through and I prayed that they might be comforted.

That's when I noticed a change. People who opposed Prop 8 were angry. A completely natural reaction of course, but this was different. This was a kind of anger that I had never been exposed to. The anger seemed filled with hate and distrust ... and the search was on to find a reason Prop 8 passed. And someone to blame.

Then the protests started. I couldn't believe it at first. The blaming finger had pointed at the Mormon church, a religion that makes up under two percent of the California population (and later I found out that we made up LESS THAN FIVE PERCENT of the yes vote). Yes, a large portion of Yes on Prop 8's donations came from members of our church. But didn't they have the right to donate to a cause that they believed in?

And it wasn't just blame, it was accusations of hate and prejudice ... everything that I have stood against my entire life.

The protesters were at the Los Angeles Temple ... MY temple. My place of worship. Somewhere that I had always felt safe. I had so many emotions inside of me that I couldn't differentiate one from the other. Would they desecrate my place of worship? Would my family and friends be safe from harm?

I had to know for myself and headed down to the temple as soon as I got off work.

The sea of protesters were marching peacefully but were carrying cruel and offensive anti-Mormon signs. My heart sank and I left determined to prove their accusations wrong.

I wanted to make sure that my church friends understood the other side of the story and felt compassion for all those who were hurting.

I discovered that they already did understand. They were going through the same thing I was. Not all of them had even voted yes on the issue. But no matter how they voted, their hearts were still open to those who were standing against them.

Over the next few days, things were rough for both sides. The protesters continued, although I helplessly felt there was nothing I could do for them. Our gates were written on, they banged on the doors of our chapel and stood outside our parking lot to take photos of our license plates. The members who had donated money to Yes on Prop 8 were exposed online, open for attack.

Blog posts and emails from church members started to pop up everywhere -- messages of love and peace and encouragement. Every prayer at church that Sunday spoke for the safety of our members and that those who where yelling outside our gates would be comforted and feel our love for them.

This was not an issue of hate. For me, it was purely an issue of religious belief. We have all made sacrifices. Many have lost friends, and others abandoned by their coworkers. I, myself, had to find another place to live.

I believe that God loves all of us, and it is our duty to love one another as his children ... through all of the trials and tribulations that we face together.

164 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

I don’t live in California, but I am Mormon, and followed this issue closely. I had a problem at first with our churchs stand on this issue, but came to the same conclusion that many here have: marriage is to be between a man and woman. Without the bond of a man and woman, there would be no children, no future generations. The mormons made up a small portion of the “Yes” votes- many non-mormons voted yes, but mormons were the only group being targeted because they were more public about their views. Yes, some mormons are against gay marriage, but mormons were not violent towards anyone that dissagreed with them. Destroying property and harassing people that dissagree is not the answer! Voting for something you feel strongly about is not a crime, is it? That is what the voting process is all about! The mormons went through a lot of discrimination along the way from people that dissagreed with their beliefs, but the early members of our church didnt give up, and neither should you! If gay marriage is something you feel strongly about, keep trying, don’t give up.

- Emily

Posted 12/09/08 02:06 AM

I have respect for you. You stood up for your beliefs. Many don’t since the gay movement tries to shame up.

- mom

Posted 12/09/08 05:32 PM

Biblical marriage was traditionally between one man and as many women as he could afford to own. Will we now be returning to that model?

- Bruce

Posted 12/10/08 01:31 PM

As a Mormon most of my life. I hold to the belief that our freedom to choose no matter what the situation is our greatest birthrght. I may not believe a certain way, but would never force my beliefs on anyone. If we all are given free agency, then that should supercede all other opinions. Being gay is not a choice, but the gay community has the God-given right to choose how they live and with whom. It’ll all come out in the wash.

- Anonymous

Posted 12/10/08 03:44 PM

It makes me said that so few people understand the Constitution of our country. There is no clause in the Constitution that says that there will or should be a separation of church and state. That saying came from one of the Founding Fathers who was replying to a Baptist ministers concerns about the government implementing a government run church. The Founding Fathers didn’t want to remove religion from government or from peoples lives. They strongly believed that the only way this country would survive was if every citizen lived by a moral code such as the Ten Commandments. People frequently say that you can’t legislate moralty however, if you really think about it, all of our laws about conduct in our society are based on moral values. Just some food for thought.

- Rebecca

Posted 12/10/08 08:17 PM

I am thrilled that it passed.

- Anonymous

Posted 12/11/08 04:08 PM

I guess I don’t get it. If people who are for gay and lesbian rights beleive they have the right to try to go to lawmakers and get a law passed that would benefit them, then how can those same people not believe that people who oppose their way of thinking not have the same right? It’s not about hate, or being being segragated or oppressed, it’s not about religion. this is an arguement about rights. we have a right to put our belief outthere and have it voted on and see if we can change the way people think. If you win, great, if you lose sorry. I have a brother in law who is gay, and he’s cool, his boyfriend, I do not like but not because he’s gay. but I would not be gay for anything. I also do not beleive what the mormons believe, but I believe they have the right to vote on a law, just as anyone else. We all will be judged for what we do or didn’t do in life, but here in the USA we have laws, and rules on how they get passed. I don’t like all the laws but I have to live with them. Same goes here. It is democracy in action. Sorry, and I can say, try again I support your right to be heard, but I would also have to say I would have voted against it.

- Bobby

Posted 12/11/08 09:40 PM

It’s called a democracy people!! Millions of people have died in this country to dfend the right to vote. The people of califonia voted and the results favored prop 8. People got mad and excercised their freedom of speech (another right people have died for). We’ve heard the disgust from both sides and it’s getting old. No one’s protesting because Obama won. No one’s protesting over any other issue or cadidate because they understand that that is how voting works. The majority vote wins. Period!! Stop bitching about Prop 8 passing and get your acts together to ensure it passes the next time the issue is on the ballot. Again, it’s called a democracy and how awful our country would be without it.

- Jen

Posted 12/12/08 12:48 AM

I think the more important issue in Prop 8 was not the policy of the definition of marriage, but the fact that the California Supreme Court usurped the public will by inventing a “new” right out of whole cloth. The Prop 8 vote rightfully sent the message that the Court is not a committee of Emperors.

- Skip

Posted 12/12/08 09:55 AM

Thank you for standing up for what you believe is right. The voters of California have spoken, and if what I read is correct, the LDS church was the minority, so why not attack all those other voters who voted yes ? The attacks on the LDS church are sorely misdirected. Maybe the law passed because people are ready to take a stand, and change our demoralized, disintegrating society. Our new President, Barack Obama, has stated that he believes marriage is between a man, and a woman. This is not about a separation of church and state. Otherwise, why would we have any laws concerning marriage, i.e, not marrying cousins, a legal marrying age, or having to get a marriage license.

- anonymous

Posted 12/12/08 10:39 AM

Vanessa, As I said in my post “What do Mormons and exploding Pythons Have in Common?” a week ago at my blog, it would have been much smarter for the Mormon church to step away from this issue. So many of us think your religion is wacky enough as it is—much more politic to endear yourselves to modern America by not trying to stand in the way of something that is INEVITABLE anyway. Gay marriage will happen in America. It is only a matter of time. Sorry, but I still find it funny that a religion that has itself had some pretty alternative views of marriage in its history is so squeamish about the monogamous union of two homosexuals. Here’s a thought: you can be tolerant AND distance yourself from homosexual marriage at the same time. You don’t have to believe in it any more than I believe in the Angel of Moroni. But I still believe in your right to believe whatever you want. We live in a democracy and Mormons of all people should be pro-tolerance. But hey, go ahead—spend your Mormon dollars on fighting this and bankrupt your church. I’m all for it. And by the way, there are actually Mormons FOR gay marriage— because they are horrified by the suicides of gay Mormons and the church’s persecution of homosexuality in general.

- Crabmommy

Posted 12/12/08 02:23 PM

IF AS YOU SAY YOU ARE A MEMBER OF THE CHURCH OF LATTER DAYD SAINTS ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS TO REFLECT ON JESEUS (WHOM YOU CLAIM TO FOLLOW) AND ASK , WOULD HE VIOLATE A BIBLE LAW? WOULD HE CONDONE ACTION SUCH AS HOMO SEXUALITY ,VIOLENCE IN THE STREETS, PROTESTERS? I DON’T THINK SO . YOU ARE NOT A FOLLOWER BUT RELYING ON YOUR OWN DECISIONS. I DO NOT CARE ONE WAY OR ANOTHER IF A PERSON IS GAY. THAT IS BETWEEN THEM AND THIER HEAVENLY FATHER.

- MARGE

Posted 12/12/08 04:18 PM

Some people use their religion and prayers to guide them. That’s what the LD Saints do. If this led her to vote yes, then it’s her right. Just like it is the right of gays to try and get the laws changed. Going out on the street and blaming a specific religious order is absurd. Contact the Congress and Senate, etc. I don’t know why they decided to have another election to try and get the law changed so soon after it was made legal. I think there are larger forces at work here and the Gay community needs to find out where it’s coming from. But remember, don’t display bigotry to others, just like you don’t want it directed toward you. Find a better and different way to change the laws.

- Dazed and Confused

Posted 12/14/08 01:56 AM

I hope you read this. I am a gay man, and I emphatically oppose the passage of proposition 8. As you know many gay people, I know many mormons. There are a lot of things to love about the LDS church: your commitment to community and family, the way you help those who are truly down on their luck, and the general work ethic that most of you possess. In general, Mormon’s can teach non-LDS America a lot of things about caring for one another, and working hard to accomplish big things. But when it comes to your treatment of homosexuals, your church has failed completely. Gay male mormons have an extremely high suicide rate, and the hierarchy of your church has no idea in how to deal with it. President Monson continues the lie that some people merely “suffer” from “same-gendered attraction”, which is tantamount to denying the very existence of the hundreds of thousands of gay mormons that are working hard for your church. You may love your gay friends, but so many Mormon’s are so confused about what true love is. You are not taking care of your gay mormon brothers and sisters. You’re telling them that their love isn’t dignified, that celibacy or forced heterosexual marriage is a better option than finding love in a partner of their choice. I don’t hate you for voting the way you did, or supporting that disasterous and decieptful campaign. If I knew you in person, we’d likely talk about it quite a bit. Because I’m truly confused by so many Mormon’s who think that they could support stripping away gay people’s civil rights, debasing their dignity and throwing thier lives into turmoil, and claim that you still love them. Domestic partnerships are not enough—will never be enough—and if the LDS church really think that it’s a worthwhile project to keep us ghettoized, then we will fight your church until we win. And part of winning is showing religious gays—including homos of the LDS persuassion-that we care about them, that we can show them how to live with dignity and value their personhood and their relationships. We’ll help them to understand that they are a noun (a gay person) and not suffering from a verb (“afflicted by same gendered attraction). And we’ll teach open minded people like yourself that your church lied to you. What you did hurt millions of

- Marc Miller

Posted 12/15/08 12:48 PM

- Marc Miller

Posted 12/15/08 12:48 PM

The “church” did not give $$ to support prop 8…it’s members did. There is a big difference.

- chelsea

Posted 12/15/08 08:17 PM

I am also thrilled that it passed, gay people are now mobilizing across the country and the globe for their civil rights. In regards to the democratic process, if 52% of the population voted to bring back slavery, that wouldn’t necessarily happen.

- John

Posted 12/16/08 04:52 PM

Queen Bee- all of your posts are well said & right on the nose. Could the no on 8 haters get any more hypocritical? Don’t think so! They want/demand tolerance and yet they are unable to show the same to others that don’t believe as they do. Great article Vanessa. It is very sad to see how hateful, vindictive & threatening the opposition has become. All the Mormon hating is getting soooo old btw. If someone wants understanding, tolerance and acceptance maybe they should try practicing what they preach.

- dani

Posted 12/17/08 01:48 AM

What a bunch of sheeple. “Gay” marriage is not a civil rights issue. Whether one chooses a homosexual relationship or not, everyone still has the ability (it’s not a right) to get married. But you’ll have trouble if you want to marry outside of what is defined (who cares about what is “accepted?”) See US Code Title 1, Section 7 Voting for faith-based reasons does not violate the Constitution. In fact, there is no such thing as a “separation of church and state” defined anywhere except in the minds of those who reject God. It is not my place to judge my friends and relatives who choose a homosexual lifestyle (and yes, it is a choice), but it does not mean I have to accept their lifestyle or condone it in any way.

- CDB

Posted 12/17/08 10:38 AM

My “Moms” have been together for 36 years. While my friends’ parents marriages were either a wreck or they were splitting up, my friends would come to my house for stability and compassion. This was in the 70’s when the words “gay and lesbian” were not discussed. One friend said to me the other day that everyone thought I was the one with the more traditional family. No violence, no screaming, just a lot of mutual love and respect. This is MY definition of a loving relationship and family.

- Cathy

Posted 12/17/08 10:40 AM