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Do It When You're Not in the Mood

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Here's why and how it will help your relationship.

woman yawning

Yes, we know--sometimes you'd rather do just about anything than have sex (watch TV, read a book, get a root canal...). A relationship expert tells why you should Just Say Yes anyway.

Scenario: You don't have a low desire, but you're tired, cranky, and PMSing so badly you have cankles the size of cantaloupes. Then, just when you're feeling your most ugly (inside and out), your partner gives you his "I Want Sex Now!" look. Should you smack him? Au contraire. Instead of beating him, you should join him. Dr. Jane Greer, a marriage and family therapist in New York City and host of the radio show Doctor On Call, reveals the not-so-hidden benefits of having sex when you don't feel like it.

Benefit number 1: You just may end up having some really, really great sex. "Who knows--his excitement might ignite yours," says Greer. "Just relax and go with it."

Benefit number 2: You'll strengthen your bond. "Sex is about intimacy," says Greer. "Look at it this way: You're keeping your husband company. You know how sometimes one of you sees a movie the other one isn't really interested in? Same thing--you're sharing an activity."

Benefit number 3: It strengthens your immune system and enhances overall health. "Sex causes feel-good endorphins to be released in your body," notes Greer. "Endorphins decrease stress and help you feel calmer."

Benefit number 4: You'll burn a few calories. "Even if you only burn 10, at least that's a piece of candy!" says Greer.

Benefit number 5: You can use it as blackmail down the road. "You may not be into having sex this time, but chances are that some night in the future, you'll be in the mood when he isn't," says Greer. "Then it will be his turn to compromise--it's a two-way street." (Yes, payback's a bitch.)

Do you do it when you're not in the mood?


next: Bullying is GOOD for Kids
20 comments so far | Post a comment now
Jen H November 17, 2008, 11:58 AM

Of course I do!

I think this is very good relationship advice and it does go both ways (benefit #5). During the course of my marriage we have had times when one and not the other are amorous and “in the mood,” but seldom if ever we regret going for it.

And being a gal that always wants additional incentives, the health benefits and burning an extra 10 calories are great ones! Very fun article. ;)

Beth November 17, 2008, 1:11 PM

Well, benefit number 2 and 5 seem to contradict themselves.

“I love you darling, so let us strengthen our bond - but this is going to be filed away so that next time you don’t want to have sex, I can force you into it.”

This list would be a very good list if number 5 was taken out. Seriously, since when should sex be about blackmail?

Summer November 17, 2008, 1:32 PM

My fiance and I seem to have a lot of sex. His sex drive is VERY high, mine isnt so much. I recently have been trying to find things to make mine higher. Just changing the foods you eat help this. Using olive oil instead of regular veggie oil, eating pomagrantes, avacodo’s, etc…google it! This has seemed to not only help me be in the mood more often but has brought us closer together because he see’s I am trying.

Anonymous November 17, 2008, 1:46 PM

The Greatest relationship advice out there….the truth. Giving yourself is a gift to be shared with your mate, even when your not in the mood, as often as possible. There are alot of benefits. 21 years of marriage and I still welcome the touch. It also washes away the troubled feelings.

Kellyg November 17, 2008, 8:08 PM

I’ve been having sex with my husband for four years now. I mostly initiate it even if I don’t feel like it, and I rarely turn sex down. Nine out of ten times I orgasm…so why not?

Anonymous November 18, 2008, 4:18 AM

I think its a common misconception of recent thinking that sex = intimacy.
Being intimate without sex is a lost art. I suppose it’s what we get for treating sex as taboo for so long, we get a sexual explosion where nothing else in the world matters.

Personally, I’d like to see couples connect in a way outside of the bedroom. And not just “we watched football together” or “he helped me cook”. There’s so much more to relationships that people miss.

(ok, basically I have an issue with the wording. I’ll leave now)

Erin November 18, 2008, 10:11 AM

I’ve been told this before, but when I’m not in the mood I can get downright disgusted by my spouse in the bedroom (and he’s a good looking guy!) And the problem with trading off is that he is NEVER not in the mood, and I’m not overexagerating. His advances are constant, and when I just can’t manage to do it, which is more and more these days, he throws a fit like a damn 2 year old!!! name calling and the like. Now what the hell am I supposed to do about that?

Patty November 18, 2008, 2:48 PM

I do what ever it takes to make my man happy!!

Debbie November 20, 2008, 10:06 AM

I’m with Erin. What the hell do you do when you just don’t want to be touched and he thinks you just don’t love him anymore! And the blame is all yours?!?!

relationship advice November 24, 2008, 4:30 PM

Ofcourse! i agreey with #5 because it’s a two-way street. This problem is very complex due to the fact that people have the tendency to be superficial (especially men), that is why valuable advice can come in hand when a partner starts to lose its interest in the relationship.

andy forsey December 22, 2008, 1:26 PM

cankles???????? what the heck are those!!!!

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