Momlogic's Jayne: Let's face it ladies ... men and women just don't speak the same language. Time and time again I have been angered, annoyed and bewildered by something my husband has said to me. That is until recently when I FINALLY realized that my sweet husband wasn't really saying what I thought he was saying - he was using "ManSpeak" - a completely different language that only men use.
Luckily for all of you, after years of misunderstandings, I have managed to decipher ManSpeak and I am willing to share my discoveries. So fret no more, below are some of the most common instances of ManSpeak and their translations.
ManSpeak: "Honey, is there anything to eat?" or the infamous "Are YOU hungry?"
Translation: "Honey, I am sitting here doing nothing but can you please stop everything that you're doing and go into the kitchen right now and use some of that 'woman magic that only women have to turn the $300 worth of food you bought for me this weekend into something I can eat? I know I'm a grown man, but I am too lazy and too unwilling to figure out how to put two pieces of bread and turkey together to make a sandwich."
ManSpeak: "Honey, have you seen my (fill in the blank)?"
Translation: "I am no longer even bothering to remember where I put things, because I can't do more than one thing at a time and let's face it, I'm breathing so isn't that enough for me to be doing? Besides, you're so much better at that kind of stuff and half the time I can't find things because YOU moved them so you should help me find them."
ManSpeak: "I'll get to it."
Translation: "Woman, will you please get off my back? You should know by now that there is no way in hell that I am going to do that unless it gets to such a critical point that you threaten to hire someone to do it. Then, and only then, because I am so cheap I will actually get off my ass and do it. Oh, don't forget, if I do actually do it, I will not let you (or anyone else for that matter) forget how much I do around the house."
ManSpeak: "Sure I'll pick that up on the way home from work."
Translation: "Don't tell me that you fell for that line again. There is no way that I am going to pick that up. Even though I might actually remember what you asked me to do, I'm going to pretend I forgot about it because I too lazy to pull my car over and in the end I know you will do it, so why should I bother myself."
ManSpeak: "What are YOU doing today?"
Translation: "I am watching football/playing golf/hanging out with the guys (doing absolutely nothing useful) from 9 AM to 9 PM so you better find something to amuse yourself. And by the way if, before you leave, you could make a 'snack' for me and my buddies (who I know you can't stand) that would be great."
ManSpeak: While you're both lying in bed, man says, "Are you getting up to go to the kitchen."
Translation: "I know that we're both comfortable lying here in bed, and you don't really look like you're getting up to go to the kitchen but I'm really thirsty (and lazy) and I don't want to get my feet cold on the floor - so will you please get up and get me a drink."
ManSpeak: "Honey, come and cuddle with me."
Translation: "I want to f***. Please come here and let me grope you a bit before I roll on top of you and then it's over in 10 seconds."
Well ladies, there you have some examples of the most commonly used ManSpeak terms. Now that you know what your man is REALLY saying you can respond with the appropriate answer. Here are some of my favorite ManSpeak responses and their translations.
Woman's response to ManSpeak: "Sure hon."
Translation: "F*** off and do it yourself"
Woman's response to ManSpeak: "I'll get right on it."
Translation: "Hell will freeze over before I do that"
Woman's response to ManSpeak: "No problem honey!"
Translation: "Jesus Christ, you can't really be as dumb as you seem, can you?"
Now go forth and conquer!