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Help! My Husband Has Manochondria

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Today I woke up to every woman's worst, most horrifying, and dreaded nightmare -- a sick man.

I knew trouble was brewing this morning when in response to my daily "Did you sleep OK honey?" question, my husband clawed at his neck and rasped out a barely audible "I have a sore throat (pregnant pause) a bad one!" I resisted my first instinct to blurt out "Oh Jesus, here we go..." and instead offered a cheery (but fake) "Can I get you anything love? Tylenol?"

Instead of the succinct "yes" answer I would have delivered, he began to enrage me by hoarsely questioning me: "Will that work for sore throats?" In case you're not sure why that is such an annoying question, let me translate what he really meant. What he REALLY meant was: "Will a medicine meant for the common man, the man with nothing as painful as I am experiencing right now, work for me? A man in more agony than any man has faced before???" What I wanted to say was "Are you f***ing kidding me?" But instead I managed a slightly hostile (but well deserved, I think) "I have no idea," and then I left the room.

About five minutes later my beloved husband staggered into the kitchen (how a man on his death bed can be so brave, I don't know) and started hacking (read: fake coughing) up a lung. He then proudly pounded on his chest with a closed fist and declared, practically with delight "Gosh, that went to my chest quickly."

I tried to ignore his plight, mostly because I love my husband very much and didn't really want to have to say to him "Get a grip on yourself man, you'll survive" and cause a big fight.

The final straw came when I asked my husband if he wanted oatmeal for breakfast. Instead of a direct "yes" or "no" answer, I got what I call the "I want to remind you that I might be dead soon because of my illness" answer. He actually said "I don't know. Can I have oatmeal? Will it hurt my throat?" Let me remind you that oatmeal is soft, so soft that they give it to old people who have NO teeth -- but apparently it might not be not soft enough for my husband, an able-bodied man with a full set of chompers. I couldn't even respond to him. I mean -- come ON -- are you kidding me with this??

At that point I knew I'd lost him, he was slowly descending into what I can only describe Manochondria -- the MOST annoying syndrome known to man, or should I say WO-man. From what I understand, my husband is not the only man who suffers from this often life-threatening (in their minds) disease, but I don't want to break the news to him that he's suffering from something that millions of men across the world suffer from. Why? Because I'm sure he would have THE worst case in the world -- at least according to him.

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11 comments so far | Post a comment now
Spookygirl November 10, 2008, 8:37 PM

OMG! I am so going through this with DH! I have been sick since THURSDAY! Taking care of sick kids by my self all weekend, and this morning he had a sniffle and a tickle in the throat and already the whining has started. I am going to kill him in his sleep, so he doesn’t have to suffer ;)

Melissa November 10, 2008, 9:47 PM

Typical man!!! My husband’s head hurts so bad that he is going to fall over dead. (Seriously!) It’s no wonder women have babies and men don’t. Could you imagine that. They can’t even deal with a headache.

Susan Heim November 10, 2008, 10:44 PM

Oh, gosh, this is so funny! I’m always rolling my eyes at my husband’s various aches and pains. His back hurts. His neck hurts. He’s coming down with something… If I say I’m getting sick, it’s always, “Oh, you must be getting what I’ve got…” Men are definitely the weaker sex when it comes to health! LOL

tracy November 10, 2008, 10:47 PM

LOL!!! My husband gets this at least once a week! Buck up! I am starting to notice my almost 4 yr old son exaggerating stupid crap! I have to take care of that now. Your welcome from his future wife!

SandySmile November 10, 2008, 11:10 PM

This is EXACTLY what it’s like when a man gets sick! This is too funny! I can totally relate!

alicia November 11, 2008, 12:04 AM

I can relate. I was running a temp of 101, taking care of two sick kids, and plus the cooking and cleaning for 2 days when my husband looked at me and said that he wasn’t feeling good and was going to lie down becase he was sicker than I was. he wasn’t even running a temp. When ever I am sick or the kids are sick he is sick. I just roll my eyes and say I hope you feel better.

AK Mom November 11, 2008, 1:47 AM

OMG!!! LMAO!!! This is exactly the disease that my husband suffers from. It’s amazing that a man who is by anyone’s standards a work-a-holic and who works an avg. if 12 hours a day 6 or 7 days a week can be taken completely out of commission by the common cold. And I have a sneaky suspicion that my 15 yr old has been infected too.

Wife of Sickly November 11, 2008, 6:07 AM

Alicia - My hubby does the same thing. If I even mention I’m not feeling well, he’s deathly ill in the course of two hours. Guess who gets up at night with the toddler when we’re both under the weather?

ame i. November 11, 2008, 10:43 AM

Been there!
I’m in for some real trouble if I dare to get sick this year. Hubby can take vacation days or sick days at a whim for himself, but he sure is overloaded at work if I get sick.
He was, however, very helpful when I had the 24 hour stomach virus. I conveniently scheduled it for a Saturday, while the kids were spending the night with my parents.

wicked wife November 17, 2008, 11:50 AM

It must be nice to take a day off and have someone wait on you hand and foot when you’re sick. When I had my gallbladder removed my husband actually said “I know you don’t feel good honey. You can just make me a sandwich”. But when he’s sick I have to make homemade potato soup like his momma made him. It’s pathetic. He would like for me to sit quietly by his side, holding his hand and anticipate his every need. What a big baby!

Anna November 18, 2008, 2:13 PM

Hahaha nick frost rocks.

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