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Post Partum Depression, But No Baby...

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I thought after losing my baby, I would grieve and eventually move on. I couldn't have been more wrong ...

post partum depression

"What happened to you, where did you go?" my best friend said over cocktails, two months post my miscarriage. "Huh? What do you mean, I am right here," I said. "No. The Talitha I knew is gone. You used to be the swingset, now you're just the kid that falls."


momlogic's Talitha: She was right. For two months I have been living in a thick fog: one that turned from grief to anger to just plain fear, but one that never lifted. I have not slept through the night, my heart races, I have anxiety, my hormones are out of control. I am living in a state of "who is going to leave me next?" and it literally paints the world a color I cannot recognize, one from which I cannot hide. One that apparently, according to my best friend, has become me.

"Post partum depression," my doc says says. "Ha! That's funny, I smile through my snotty tears: Post partum depression, yet I have no baby." She continues, telling me that if I don't get myself healthy, I "will have a difficult time getting pregnant again." Now this hits me, because if there's one thing I know, it's that I want to be a mom, sooner, rather than later. Hearing her say the words "will have difficult time getting pregnant" sends me into a panic spiral: "So what can I do?" I ask her, "Just tell me what to do. What if something happens again? What if I can't get pregnant? What if I have another miscarriage? What if something's wrong with me??"

"TALITHA STOP!" she says: "After thirty years of being an OB/GYN, I have one absolute finding," she says, "Having a baby has nothing to do with science. The one thing I know is that I DON'T know -- why women can't get pregnant, why they miscarry, how a woman with a healthy pregnancy can give birth to a lifeless baby ... On the other hand I see miracles, every single day: Women who have tried for ten years, older women, women who rarely ovulate, women who were told they would never give birth. And I have delivered these women's babies."

I realize as I'm sitting there, I look a bit pathetic. Did I really need a reminder that I don't have any control over what happens? If she's telling me where I am right now, and where my health is, I have to make a choice: to find comfort in the uncomfortable, to replace fear with hope, to stay on the ground or get back on the swing.

So I climb back on. I might be the kid that's fallen, but I'm not the one that stays on the ground.

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3 comments so far | Post a comment now
crunchy November 14, 2008, 5:53 PM

Well I can totally relate.
Lost my boy at 26 weeks.
Went through grief and then sever anxiety..didn’t want to leave house, talk on phone you name it…

It took till probably closer to 6 months for me to get back to “normal.”

Anonymous November 14, 2008, 6:27 PM

sweetie, i am SO sorry. i can’t imagine the heartache, i wish no one had to go thru this.

Mom of five angels November 17, 2008, 3:45 PM

My heart goes out to you!!! Honestly I can say that I do understand.

I lost my precious Abigail Rose at 31 weeks. When other mothers were giving birth to live babies down the hall, the babies cries still haunt me to this day. I lay in a hospital bed in labor making funeral arrangements. Had all the baby stuff ready and returned home to an empty nursery. Went through the process of trying to explain to the
nonsympathetic salesperson behind the counter why I just wanted to return the stuff and not exchange it for something else. For some reason no one could get it through ther head there was no baby.

The depression was horrible!!! I went on a journey of self abuse that frankly I’m not sure I’ve ever gotten over. I’ve gained over 125 lbs. For some reason I’ve never been able to move past the guilt that I may have done something wrong to have caused her death. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about what if.

I pray that your journey takes you down a healthier path than mine has. Get healthy and learn to enjoy life again.

God Bless!

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