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Review of My Toddler's Pretend Restaurant

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The service and food are terrible, but I love it anyway.


Momlogic's Momstrosity: Since I've become a mother, I don't get as many chances to try out the latest hot restaurant getting all the buzz. Yet, there's one restaurant I've been to almost everyday for the last month -- sometimes more than once a day. My two-and-a-half year old, Lily, has opened what she calls "The Cafe Restaurant" and although the service is terrible, the food inedible and you have to sit on the living room floor, it has become one of my favorite eating destinations of all time. What makes a visit to The Cafe Restaurant so special is you never, ever know what you're going to get.

Here's an example of a typical ordering experience:

Lily:  Order something, please.
Mom: OK, do you have coffee?
Lily: No. No coffee at the Cafe Restaurant. Only water and tea.
Mom: OK, tea please.
Lily: No tea. Only water.
Mom: OK, water.
Lily: Do you want coffee?
Mom: Well ... actually, yes.
Lily (Handing me a toy tomato) Here.

Hey, the restaurant business is hard. Most of them fail in the first year. She's probably just working the kinks out. Here is my review of her establishment -- if you ever stop by my house when it's open from 6:30 AM til bedtime.

Signature Dish: This is what I got when I ordered the spinach quiche and salad with a side of cottage cheese. Beautiful presentation but, alas, indigestible:

You can wait for your food for hours -- sometimes until after nap time. Depending on her mood, the customer sitting next to you (dad) might get served while you're ignored. Be prepared to get your hands dirty -- at her whim she can ask YOU to run the restaurant while she orders instead.

The Menu:
Varies from day to day and minute to minute. Sometimes all you get is cake. There's no alcohol served. Lily will not have a liquor license for roughly 18 years.

I've seen the chef sneeze directly on the food and serve it to me. She often doesn't wear shoes and has even served me food items tucked between her toes. Cracker crumbs cover the floor. Sometimes she pees her pants. If a Health Inspector stopped by, I'm pretty sure he'd shut her down.

It's not cheap. Currently she says everything costs "20 miles." But no worries. Sometimes she dips into her little cash register and pays YOU instead of taking payment. 


Still, despite the poor service and the plastic tasting food I HIGHLY recommend this restaurant. But you better hurry. Even as I write this, I think the restaurant might be shutting down. We got her a little doctor's bag this weekend, complete with a stethoscope -- already the restaurant counter has been serving as a hospital triage. The toddler doctor is in.

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139 comments so far | Post a comment now
Steve November 20, 2008, 8:51 AM

Hahaha, Thank you, I really needed this to start my day. I came here from as I do for hundreds of sites a day. Very rarely do these sites ever make me smile as much as this one did… most of them are actually just porn though :\

Justin November 20, 2008, 8:55 AM

Is your sole motive in writing posts on this blog, to show off your daughter to the world, rather than make any humour at all?

John November 20, 2008, 9:02 AM

Brilliant post, thanks. I hope there’s a follow up about your visit to the doctor’s surgery :-)

Ben November 20, 2008, 9:42 AM

This was a fantastic post! Thanks for sharing :)

Mermanda November 20, 2008, 9:52 AM

This is my first time on your blog, and this story is just the cutest thing ever. Thanks!

Alias Grace November 20, 2008, 10:02 AM

This post totally made my morning. I’m looking forward to hearing about your review of the new hospital, as perhaps the waiting times will be better than at a public clinic.

Doug November 20, 2008, 10:29 AM

What a great post! I remember when my kids would do the same thing; great memories. Thanks!

Anonymous November 20, 2008, 10:46 AM

What an amazing mother and daughter combo. You’re very clever and kind to share such an amazing story.

Correctometer November 20, 2008, 10:52 AM

Fawlty Towers only ran by kids…


Deb November 20, 2008, 11:16 AM

oh my good gravy. I laughed hysterically.

seriously, when are you opening up a chain near me?!

Jeff November 20, 2008, 11:19 AM

omg, thats the funniest thing i’ve seen all day

kib from India November 20, 2008, 11:19 AM

Goddamn lady, now i want a kib. That was lovely. Thank you

Rita November 20, 2008, 11:24 AM

What a cutie! I’m sure you are loving and enjoying every minute of her wonderful world of ‘make believe”


Ray Holmes November 20, 2008, 11:43 AM

Great job!

JG November 20, 2008, 11:46 AM

Soooo cool. I wish I knew a restaurant that is not only nearby but also with such an eclectic mix of… erm… everything!

Lisa November 20, 2008, 11:56 AM

What a cute story, I really enjoyed the way its written. Made me smile and feel the warmness inside only kids can give you. Thanks

mforr November 20, 2008, 12:05 PM

This is fantastic; I love how kids turn things on their end!

Anonymous November 20, 2008, 12:15 PM

cute…..cute……cute…..can’t wait to play restaurant with my grandaugter Emma. I expect she’ll have very special service as well as menu items.

John November 20, 2008, 12:19 PM

Thank you! This brought happy memories of my children taking my restaurant orders (and returning with some unique interpretations).


Anonymous November 20, 2008, 12:35 PM

I couldn’t stop laughing! Not only did it remind me of my many trips to my nephew’s restaurant but it got me so excited about my baby girl due in March. Thanks for sharing!

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