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Sometimes You Need to Be a FaceBitch

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Guest blogger, NorEastMom on her rules for Facebook.

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I feel like I had a very well-rounded teenage experience. I experienced being a severe nerd, braces, glasses, hand-me-down Toughskins -- that was in middle school. I recall hearing a group of boys teasing each other and saying, "You're going to end up marrying HER." They meant me. Then, in high school, after some image readjustments, I was considered a "popular" girl, among factions of other popular girls. But that brought many challenges as well: besides the fun parties and older guys, I was then subjected sophomore hazing rituals that could only be rivaled in the movie "Heathers." My friends and I suffered through endless prank calls, lockers being decorated with dog crap, sardines, and maxipads, and having vulgarities flung at us in the hallways that would leave Andrew Dice Clay speechless.

Luckily, these experiences formed in me an empathic sensitivity towards others, many incredibly well-weathered friendships that remain today, and a solid ability to laugh at myself. I would never trade those years for the amount of fun we had and the character it built. However, with the invention of Facebook, I have been shocked by the amount of people who have attempted to "befriend" me who were front and center for some of my most miserable teen moments. So, I'd like to be a Facebitch for a minute and give some of them a clue. Maybe some of you will relate to the need for some social rules around this growing Internet trend:

1. Don't Facebook me if you used to mock me, make songs up about me, or submitted me to any type of high school hazing ritual such as putting feces in my freshman locker. I lost respect for you then, you're not likely to regain it now, just because your kids have cute Halloween costumes.

2. Don't Facebook me if you used to be the cute popular guy in Science who would slyly molest everyone's lady parts through their Benetton stretch pants, while they held their binders, so nothing could be done about it, as we walked out of class. You know who you are, guy.

3. Don't Facebook me if you used to be my teacher, principal, coach, or local cop that hung out with high school kids. You were creepy then, you're creepier now.

4. Don't Facebook me if you used to kick my chair. This stands true even if we were in kindergarten. 'Cause I can still get dangerous if someone kicks my chair, and I still don't care if it's a kindergartener. I will take you down.

5. Don't Facebook under any circumstance if we ever danced at an 8th grade dance. Because the image of our sweaty bodies literally stuck together, rocking to Air Supply's "All Out of Love," right after you were break dancing to New Edition's "Cool it Now" is never ever going to let me form any kind of adult relationship with you. I've graduated from the Love's Baby Soft days, and we can never go back. Sniff sniff.

Finally, can I be the first person who says what we're all thinking ... Although none of us want 0 to 20 friends on Facebook, 400 friends is ALSO just as pathetic? C'mon you must be befriending people who kicked your chair once!!! Get up from the computer already!


next: Politics: OFF LIMITS DURING THE HOLIDAYS!
11 comments so far | Post a comment now
Anonymous November 25, 2008, 11:08 AM

Well said.

Suzanne Eller November 25, 2008, 11:28 AM

You also have to consider the fact that people change. The person who once mocked you when she was 13 may be a very different person at 25, 35, or 40. We all grow, not destined to be trapped in a period when our brains were still growing, our social skills were lacking, and peer pressure dictated your moves. I was on the receiving end as a skinny, shy introverted teen. And many of those friends on Facebook are now responsible, caring adults and our friendship is new and based on who we are now. I’m not the shy, introverted teen, but a strong, confident adult. So I won’t make my decisions on friendship based on a long-ago image or actions.

Jennifer November 25, 2008, 11:36 AM

I had a guy try to Facebook me the other day and I have no clue who he is! Doesn’t look familiar at all. I can tell we went to the same High School but that’s it. And what about the people that add you as a friend but never contact you other then that? If I was a friend of yours I would be talking to you.

paula November 25, 2008, 12:53 PM

OMG what was up with love’s baby soft? horrible stuff and yet we all wore it

BQkimmy November 25, 2008, 2:06 PM

Oh yes, these are good and should totally become facebook law. And I agree with the 400 friends thing… if you’re just collecting “freindships” what’s the point?!?

just sayin' November 25, 2008, 2:13 PM

I hate when I get friend requests from people I graduated with but never spoke to. Sometimes I feel that there is a competition on facebook to see who can have the most friends.

m.rogers December 6, 2008, 1:59 AM

how about the guy from high school who hits on you with his wife and kids pictures all over his facebook page!? PATHETIC! didn’t want you then, and definitely don’t want you now!

great article. i am a facebitch and i don’t care. i will not be friends with someone so they can add me to their list. i feel like saying ‘sorry you didn’t win any trophies in high school, don’t try to make me one now!’ losers.

once again, while said noreast mom.

rugbymom January 15, 2009, 10:23 AM

Bah-ha-ha-ha!!!

berlin February 28, 2009, 9:56 AM

Gut!

gesundheit March 11, 2009, 9:10 PM

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