When her kid gets mean, one mom has mastered the art of the comeback -- in her head at least.
Guest blogger, NorEastMom: It's all in the comeback, kid. Every mother has heard her child say a horrible thing to them, though most of us don't like to admit it. The first time your innocent baby tells you they want a new mom, or they don't like you anymore, it rips at your heartstrings. After a number of these experiences, I've developed some fantasy responses. Although I never really would stoop to this level, I've come close. We moms are human and those mean zingers from our little ones can really sting. Recalling some very real comments my children have made at different stages, here's what I would have said if I could have gotten away with it:
One-year-old: Not you, mama! Daddy!
Mommy: That's cool, go to daddy. Cause looking at your head keeps reminding me of the 27 stitch episiotomy I had when you so gracefully entered the world.
Two-year-old: You're mean, mommy!
Mommy: Oh yeah? How's this for mean? I haven't put a dime in your 529 plan in two years. Have fun with those student loans.
Three-year-old: I don't like you anymore!
Mommy: Well, we're even then, because I don't like helping you on the potty anymore. You're on your own, and when you're struggling to balance yourself and wipe, don't forget about those alligators running loose in the sewers.
Four-year-old: Hey mommy, do we need that giant fan in the attic because you're a bad cooker and burn everything?
Mommy: I burn everything, baby, because I keep checking my email to see if that couple from Russia still wants to adopt a four-year-old.
Five-year-old: Mommy, those jiggly things on the back of your arms look like ... the boobs you feed the baby with. Are you going to having more babies to drink all that milk in there?
Mommy: Actually, honey, these are wing-buds. When they grow into a full set of wings, I'm flappin' the heck outta here.
Seven-year-old: You're a mean witch! I want to watch more "Pokemon!"
Mommy: Ok, kid, watch that creepy show till your eyes fall out. Then, someday, you'll be just like the guy that works in the movie store who modeled his living room after the "Star Wars" Cantina and filled it with 6' cardboard "friends" that he talks to. Which is fine with me, since you have no money to go to college with anyway.
Wow, I really am a mean mommy.