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The Childless Bitch on Gift Giving

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Editor's note: Once again, our favorite Grinch on estrogen has sent us her nasty little holiday tips, and once again, she pisses us off.  Hey, we know we should delete her emails, but we just can't. She's like a a train-wreck, we can't look away. Herewith, the latest missive from CB:


Hey kids: Have yourself a giftless little Christmas.

For this season of giving I'm in the mood to spread a little holiday cheer. And what could be more cheerful than talking about buying presents? How about ... not buying presents? Let's be honest. About 90% of your holiday shopping list is filled with people you don't want to buy gifts for. I like to call these people the "have-to's." You know the type -- your boss, your kid's librarian, your mother-in-law. Or in my case, YOUR children. Yes, your little precious gems are burning a hole in my pocket. And I can't even tell them apart.

It's time to put a stop to this madness. Haven't I done enough already? Besides the millions of gifts I've given for every one of your milestones (Remember your promise ring party?), I cheered at the soccer game, bought lousy gift wrap for the school fundraiser, and even worse, rode in your minivan. The truth is, I have to give a gift to your child because YOU will judge me, NOT Poo Pants.

Because of this unspoken truth, I am filling your stockings with a naughty little list of why I will not be giving your child a gift this year.

1) I'm Not Friends With Your Child.

I don't know if you remember this, but you and I chose to be friends. I didn't realize back then you hated birth control so much. Just because they came from you doesn't mean they come with you. Please note: This includes your somewhat creepy husband.

2) No Matter What I Get Them, Your Gift To Me Will Not Be Equal.

Do the math! Trudging through the war zone that is Toys "R" Us for two Cabbage Patch Dolls and a Nintendo Wii does not come close to a mani & pedi gift certificate. I don't care if it includes gratuity. Let's face it, the single girl always gets screwed!

3) They Have No Clue How To Receive a Gift.

You managed to teach your Mini-Me how to read and eat solid foods, but somehow forgot to show her how to properly open a gift. Throwing that hard-to-find Dora Whatever-Her-Name-Is on the ground and screaming "I already have this!" doesn't exactly inspire me to run out and buy her more crap.

4) I am practicing a green way of life, and would prefer not to contribute to unwanted waste in the world.

Have you seen your living room? One look at that toy-littered tornado pit is enough to have your house declared a natural disaster. My extra present may be the one that gets your house condemned. It's for your own good. And you're right -- you totally don't spoil your children. Not at all.

5) He Peed In My Car.

6) You're Only Using Me.

I'm on to you. You're the greedy one and want ME to help YOU compete against Perfect PTA Mom Down the Street who gave her kid a real-life Transformer last year.

7) He Doesn't Know My Name Anyway.

8) Your Gift Suggestions Are Coldly Calculated.

Last year, when I asked if there was anything in particular I could get your kids for Christmas, that was your signal to say something like, "Oh ... I don't know ... you don't have to!" Instead, you chose to name all the gifts you couldn't find, and forgot to mention I'd have to stand in the cold for three hours to get them.

9) What Do I Know About Safe Toys?

Recall this ... lead that. Age-appropriate toys?! No matter what I get them, it will just end up in their mouth. I'd rather save you a trip to the emergency room.

10) Last but not least, somewhere in the middle of dancing with a stripper at your bachelorette party and crocheting a new throw for your ducky-themed nursery, you completely forgot how to give a truly good gift. Well, lucky for you I'm feeling extra generous this year!

Merry Christmas to all and to all a giftless night!

next: Daily Viral Video Holiday Stress Buster
16 comments so far | Post a comment now
Jenny December 20, 2008, 6:17 PM

I love how you say the single girl always gets screwed, um, werent you the same nutcase that was so happy she WAS single. You cant have it both ways, sorry. Also, I wouldnt want anyone to feel that they had to give my child a gift so I applaud you for not buying for your friends children, chances are your friend would see right through your fake smile and it would hurt their feelings more than no gift at all. Plenty of people love our children, please dont force yourself to pretend on our account.

Anonymous December 20, 2008, 7:04 PM

I have tons of single friends and I’ve never expected them to buy my kids gifts and they never had. Maybe you need to get yourself some new friends. Maybe all you are useful for is for buying gifts since you are so crabby in personality.

N December 20, 2008, 7:57 PM

I don’t know why you other moms on this site get so pissed about this. Shes right, kids have to much crap these days and why should people have to buy their friends kids gifts, there are plenty of people related to the kid too do that.

Renee December 20, 2008, 8:14 PM

Um, my friends have never bought gifts for my children and I’ve never expected them,too. I spoil them plenty myself thankyouverymuch!

Jenny December 21, 2008, 9:02 AM


Because we are just horrible martyrs I guess. Thats the answer you want right?


N December 21, 2008, 9:29 AM

don’t be so dramatic Jenny, truly there are worse things to get upset about in the world than the truth

ame i. December 21, 2008, 4:47 PM

It’s just as bad when you are married without children. I’d been married for 10 years before I had kids. My late-husband was kid #7 out of 9 in his family (steps & halves included)and had older siblings only a couple of years younger than my parents.
I had 14 nephews and nieces before my first daughter was born. We bought Christmas gifts for each and every one of the little ankle biters.
At the time of my older daughter’s first Christmas, hub’s step-mom announced that the kids would draw names because her son & daughter-in-law just could no longer afford to buy gifts for all the kids.
Too bad they couldn’t have reached that decision before I’d spent a decade buying for their 2 kids.

Jenny December 21, 2008, 7:35 PM

LOL. N, you’re funny.

Anita December 21, 2008, 7:39 PM

N I dont know why you read this if you arent a mom. Isnt there a anti child group you should be joining? Anyway this whole thing is just a bunch of crap thought up by mom logic to dig up a bunch of crap between all of us. I thought I was coming onto a different type of site, not one that promotes negativity including my own. Im moving on. See ya.

geen December 21, 2008, 8:21 PM

They recylced this article, it was out last year. way to go green momlogic.

bitchesrock December 21, 2008, 8:28 PM

Let santa do the rest of the gifts

AS December 23, 2008, 1:44 AM

right on geen, i think CB has taken a vacation

Cassandra March 4, 2009, 5:39 PM

I don’t really have any single friends, but my husband has tons of them and we don’t expect them to buy our kids anything. We don’t really expect anyone to buy for our kids, that’s why we buy everything we want them to have ourselves. Some parents seem to forget how they felt about kids before actually becoming a parent. Having a child totally changes your views.

Joan March 27, 2009, 7:12 PM

Is it the duties of the single childfree men and women to provide gifts for children that they had no legal or personal interests in? I don’t think so. Your kids are your problem.

selena April 14, 2009, 6:06 PM

I absolutely LOVE this girl! She is freakin’ hilarious! As a mother of a 17 yr old and a 4 yr old and a GiGi, she is soooo on the money w/ how a lot of people w/ kids do. I myself am not a fan of rugrats (though I do Love mine most of the time!!)Keep tellin’ ‘em honey!

Childless-n-hatin-it March 1, 2011, 5:20 AM

Um. You guys wonder why childless “losers” read this site. Maybe it’s because some of us WISH we were moms?? Not EVERY childless woman chose to be that way, far from it. So for us “childless not by choice” people to get screwed with obligations to buy kids we don’t know gifts, paying higher taxes, having higher risks of reproductive cancers (it’s true, look it up), and not even be able to have a child of our own to love and raise, it really really BITES!

Also, it is possible that girl was so happy to be single, but I find more times than not that that’s just something women say to help themselves cope with a long unwanted drought or just getting out of a toxic relationship with a jerk.

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