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The Childless Bitch on Going to the Movies

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Editors' Note: Seriously, what is wrong with this woman?! She just loves sending us her rants. You know another thing we bet she loves? Cats. She probably has about 10 or 20. All "CBs" have a multitude of felines. Anyway, take a deep breath and read on...


Now that the presents have been opened and our bellies are full, there's only one thing left to do this holiday season -- go to the movies! That's right, we've moved from togetherness at the mall to togetherness at the movies. Moms, dads, grandparents, children of all ages and yes, even I will be at your local movie theater this week. To help make everyone's holiday movie experience as enjoyable as possible, I have jotted down a little list...

Besides the usual "No Smoking," "No Talking," and "Remember to Turn Your Cell Phone Off," below are a few rules they SHOULD play before the feature presentation:

1. Do not bring your child to an R-rated movie: You may think they're too young to understand, but when your child ends up in jail from emulating the "Saw" movies, don't pretend like it's not your fault.

2. Stop all Picnic Moms! You know the type, besides the common penny-pinching mom who brings her own microwavable popcorn, these moms jam everything in their purses from the loudest candy wrappers known to man to leftovers from last night's dinner. Earth to Ancient Mom! They do sell food at the movies, you know. What could be better than nachos and cheese in a cup?!

3. Quarantine your child! Just because the doctor said he's not 'contagious' doesn't mean we want to hear the kid coughing throughout the movie. I don't care how happy you are that his congestion is finally running out his nose -- a movie is no way to celebrate.

4. First come, first serve! I know you bundle your little snow angels up in a million articles of clothing just so you can save 65 seats for your daughter's basketball team. Using your kids as seat holders -- have you no shame?

5. You kid's laughing and crying sound the same to me: The exit signs are conveniently displayed. Walk toward the neon light.

6. This is not the week to test whether or not little Maggie can sit through a big-kid movie: Speeding up the growing process doesn't help you regain a piece of your single life.

7. Say no to super-sizing! I don't care how expensive the concession stand is -- one enormous soda and 10 straws is not a good idea. Not only are the floors sticky because you're cheap, but you just had to get up three times during the movie to utilize the free refills. I hope your 10-year-old still wears diapers, because I'm not moving my purse again.

8. Bring a seat belt: How is it possible that you cannot see your child grabbing and kicking the back of my seat? Is it too much to ask for an 'I'm Sorry.' You must be confused. When I turn around a glare at your child, I am not scouting for the cover of Perfect Child Magazine. Although I think I just found a candidate for Annoying Mothers Monthly.

9. One adult per child: While you think you're Super Mom and doing a service by bringing the entire neighborhood of children to the theater, there is no way you can control an entire aisle of 8-year-olds. My cup holder is full of kiddy puke thanks to over-ambitious moms like you.

10. And last but not least, embrace the matinee: These tickets are cheaper for a reason.

The following is a list of current movies you are more than welcome to attend with your munchkins this week: "Marley and Me." Done.

Remember, silence is golden.

next: Woman Buried in Snow Found Alive
3 comments so far | Post a comment now
geen December 25, 2008, 2:03 PM

Are you for real momlogic? This is the same article from last year! You are almost as bad as AOL for recycling your articles.

ame i. December 25, 2008, 8:58 PM

I have to agree with each and every point. There’s a good reason my first kid’s first trip to the movies was to see Elmo in Grouchland. Even kids talking during kids movies bugs me.
I once had the displeasure of sitting in front of an obnoxious 6 year old boy during the stage production of The Lion King. Our family of 4 paid over $300 for those tickets. The little demon kicked our seats, pulled one of my daughter’s hair with his foot, and practically screamed questions to his mother. She finally caught him kicking when he kicked the arm I had draped well down the back of my daughter’s chair.
Lame Mom ignored the obvious head turns from several people. When my husband finally turned around and told her Demon Boy was far and to keep down please, she gave a self-righteous Hermph. She was smart enough to get out of the theatre before we did.

Anonymous December 29, 2008, 11:24 AM

He He He

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