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Keep Your Kids Away From Me This Season!

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The Childless Bitch: Guess who will NOT be caught dead in a mall this holiday season? Me!


That's right, us single, childless gals are rockin' a hangover from a series of kick-ass holiday parties, and rather than standing in long lines with you and your kids, I am more than happy to let you have that quesadilla maker at 20% off. My gift to you -- and will gladly give this bizarre American middle class holiday to you.

However, I think it's important to address the mother/child shopping etiquette that needs to take place this holiday season.

First and foremost, leave your child at home!

Shopping is intended to be an enjoyable activity. Why would you want to ruin this experience for yourself, the loved one you've dragged along and -- oh, did I mention, every other human being trying to simply buy a gift card?! Listen, we may smile politely but in the back of our minds we're thinking, "Why is that thing in here?"

I get it. You strap your kid in because you think you're making a quick stop at Target, but it never works out. So, since you choose to bring little Jimmy into the hell that is consumer shopping, below are a few rules that should be followed.

1. Those dying bird and abused animal noises you're hearing are coming from your child. Do something about it or I will. 

2. No splitting the line. We see you putting your kid in one check-out line and yourself in another to "beat the system." This is not clever or original. Let's play by the rules.

3. Dressing rooms are not anatomy class for your children. If your little Tommy peeps his head under my door, I have every right to notify mall security.

4. If you find yourself saying, "Honey, we're almost done here" -- you should have left the mall 30 minutes ago. You and your child have already broken at least three rules on this list.

5. Aisle 9 -- dog leashes. I'm just sayin'.

6. If  you are trying on shoes, it does NOT grant your child the right to occupy a seat. This is the one time I will allow her to play on the floor.

7. Leave the doublewide stroller at home. Your marching band of children are taking up the entire aisle and setting the world record for slowest walkers of all time. Get in. Get out. Go home.
8. Do not fuel A.D.D. with Cinnabon.

9. Congratulations! As a parent, you have earned an all-access VIP pass to three hot mall locations -- The Child Plastic Playing Area, The Food Court and Santa's Holiday Village. Enjoy!

10. And last but not least, it's called online shopping. This will not only be a gift to your overall health and well-being this holiday season, but also a kind way for you to give back to your community.

next: The Friendship Court
11 comments so far | Post a comment now
Natalie December 10, 2008, 7:24 AM

LOL. This woman is really funny! I know she thinks she’s offending us moms, but she’s not. She’s simply giving us something to laugh at.

N December 10, 2008, 8:55 AM

Ha that is great, got to love it!

Tammy December 10, 2008, 11:37 AM

Hilarious that this woman thinks she is spekaing for the childless. We moms don’t LIKE having to drag our kids into that crazy hell but in order to get our childless friends and family something they really want and not just something from the corner drug store (which woould be SOOO much easier), we march ourselves down to the mall to get you that hip, trendy gift!

Great read! Truly funny!

Jenny December 10, 2008, 11:48 AM

Oh my gosh, too funny. I find it hilarious that she thinks she will do something about my child if I dont…bring it. I also find it hysterical that she thinks it is up to her to ALLOW my child to play on the floor. Go back to your drink CB.

jackie December 10, 2008, 12:45 PM


911mom December 11, 2008, 1:27 AM

My little darlings would so tie her up, slime her with honey and park her under a giant bee hive …

burpingteacher December 11, 2008, 5:57 AM

This is a funny joke
God, it may sound insulting but this is one true example of a parental comedy piece
Momlogic, make more parenting jokes!
It makes me laugh alot but i will tie her up on a big tree and make her say parenting jokes causing the tree to become a tourist attraction(LOL)

LOLing December 12, 2008, 8:18 PM

Good lord. I hope you don’t actually get paid for this detritus. It doesn’t take any talent at all to steal posts from “childfree” communities.

diordiva December 18, 2008, 1:49 AM

seek help

manda December 18, 2008, 4:41 PM

I laughed at item #5. I think it’s atrocious to put a child on a leash, but it’s funny they way she says “Aisle 9 - dog leashes.” just too perfect.

Parents laugh at this, but what she says is what she was actually thinking when the piece was written…so laugh all you want, but at least 1 person thought this way about YOUR child.

divadivaboomboom December 18, 2008, 8:00 PM

LOL! This woman really has a big tantrum, better limit her taunts or she will blow.

This woman really has a sense of insulting humor.

Just Sayin’

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