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I Miss Being Single ... and Depressed

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I'm married but let me tell you something, I miss the days when I was single, alone and depressed.

woman depressed with her husband and son

Radical Mommy: Now before all you moms out there get your size 8 knickers into a twist because I'm saying that I wish I were single again, let me get ONE thing straight. I love my husband and my child more than life itself and I am beyond grateful that I have them in my life.

That being said, though, I actually miss the loneliness and sadness that you occasionally feel when you're single and not dating anyone. I'm not talking about being depressed BECAUSE you're not dating someone, I'm talking about being alone and having the time to actually spend a few minutes in negative thoughts. I'm talking about having the chance to actually wallow in a little self pity. I'm talking about having the chance to be depressed and NOT have to put on a happy face whenever your baby walks into the room.

The thing I miss the VERY most is sitting on the back step of my little apartment, smoking a cigarette in the cold night air and just .... thinking. Thinking about where I am in my life, where I want to go and what I might have passed up. I miss being melancholy. I miss listening to the darkness -- without someone breaking the silence with a question or a request. I miss just having the space to be "depressed."

When I was dating my husband, it was a very on-and-off relationship, and we broke up several times before getting married. Looking back, those times during our breakups were some of the most precious times to me. I was alone and I was sad and I spent a lot of time just thinking about myself and my place on the earth. To this day, I credit my alone and sad time to who I have become and sometimes I fear that without it again, I might not become who I want to be. (I have no idea who that is, but maybe if I had some sad alone time, I would!)

Now, if I'm lucky, I get five minutes tops to sit outside in the cold and indulge my angst. Then I head inside, shut the door and bathe in the joy that is having a 4-year-old whose face lights up every time you enter a room ... even if you've only been gone for five minutes.

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25 comments so far | Post a comment now
Viv August 2, 2010, 2:42 AM

Today is my 47th birthday. I have never been married, and have no children. Interestingly enough, I can never remember NOT wanting these things for myself, but it doesn’t happen for all of us. And as a women over 40, I am hearing I have a better chance of being struck by lightning, at this point. Makes me want to stand out in a thunderstorm, some days. To the writer of this article, I really want to say….STOP COMPLAINING!! You have everything, and yet…you complain. I would give up a decade of my life to have what you have. Get over yourself.

Amy August 16, 2010, 12:51 PM

Oh, poor you, having a husband and kids that you love. Let me remind you how much it SUCKS to be single and alone and scared to death that you will never marry, never have kids. I’m 36, I’ve had my share of relationships that have not worked out for various reasons. I’m still trying to find someone to spend my life with and it’s like spinning my wheels, going on bad dates, trying to make it work with guys who I know are good people but I can’t make myself fall in love with them, being rejected by others, cheated on, lied to, jerked around. You miss that? Really? I cry when I look at photos of women with their kids and husbands, doing all the family stuff I’m missing out on, that I want more than anything. You miss being depressed… That is the most insane thing I have ever heard. What a problem to have. Do you miss being hungry after you’ve eaten? Miss being tired when you’re full of energy? Miss being broke when you’re wallet is full? I can’t stand you happy moms who have basically won the lottery and you’re like “Oh, poor me, I don’t have time to be sad. I sure miss it.” You know what? You can be sad and lonely again — leave your family. But you wouldn’t do that, right? You wouldn’t trade places with me. Whereas I’d be thrilled to wake up tomorrow and find myself married to a guy I love, with however many kids.

Caroline October 10, 2010, 8:03 AM

Unbelievable. Married people are so smug.

I am almost 30. I have missed my chance for marriage and family. Loneliness is a permanent and awful way of life for me. I can’t stand it when people patronize me because I am single or romanticize the depression I live with on a daily basis. There is nothing good about it. Be glad for what you have. Many of us will NEVER experience it.

Susan December 27, 2010, 6:31 PM

I am going to write a book b/c I am so disgusted with the lack of education people have regarding psychology. It NEEDS to be taught in our schools! To everyone who had nasty things to say… how awful. These are her FEELINGS. Feelings are never wrong, they just are. Everyone is entitled to their feelings and they do not have to validate them to anyone! If someone invalidates your feelings, they are not a safe person. Move on to someone who can respect the way you feel. Google invalidation and learn everything you can about it so you don’t let anyone invalidate you. In addition, the world is NOT black and white. There can be two opposing truths. This woman loves her family AND at times misses being single. Two opposing truths, perfectly natural and perfectly fine. People who invalidate are not good people to be around. They are the type who will say you have no right to be depressed because there are starving people in Africa. Yes, there are starving people in Africa AND you are still feeling depressed. You feelings count and they matter regardless of whatever else might be going around in the world. I am glad it was the single people who had the nasty things to say. Invalidating parents raise very dysfunctional children who end up in therapy.

Me April 15, 2011, 12:31 AM

You know, some people just aren’t meant to be married, and Dave and Radical Mommy, I’d say this applies to you.
I think you should stop wasting your respective girlfriend’s and husband’s time, and let them know now that you’re not cut out to be in a relationship. Some people aren’t. Just deal with it. It’s pretty selfish to put on an act when you know you don’t truly want to be there. No one who really loves the person they’re with misses being single, or doesn’t want to marry the person and felt happier alone.
It sounds to me like you’ve both settled for the best thing that was convenient, but you really prefer your freedom.

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