A sexpert has the answer.
Guest blogger Elizabeth Kuster: In this let-it-all-hang-out, reality show world we now live in, it
seems like everyone is revealing everything about themselves to anyone
who'll listen (including strangers on YouTube). But what if you have a
secret you don't want your man to know? Is it OK to stay mum, or will
keeping it to yourself keep you from experiencing true intimacy?
Let's say that suddenly, for no apparent reason, your husband has started to spout off against abortion. And let's further say that you yourself had an abortion long before you met him -- only you never told him. Would you feel pressured to confess? Would you feel like a hypocrite, and worry that his feelings for you would change if he knew the truth? Just how unhealthy is it to keep a secret from your man, anyway? Hilda Hutcherson, M.D., gynecologist and author of "What Your Mother Never Told You About Sex," offers this advice:
If it's in the past, nothing can change it, and it doesn't affect your health or life in any way now, keep your lips zipped. "If you have a secret in your past that could cause a serious problem in your current relationship, and it doesn't really make a darn bit of difference if he knows it or not, then don't tell," says Dr. Hutcherson. "Especially if him knowing it could ruin your relationship and/or make him look at you in a totally different way. I mean, does he need to know that you had gonorrhea five years before you met him, or that you slept with X number of guys, or whatever? No. If it's not part of the present in any way, and if it won't make a positive contribution to your relationship--and may very well make a negative one -- then it's OK not to tell."
Still undecided? Consider the consequences. "You have to weigh the risks with the benefits," notes Hutcherson. "If it's something that's over and done and you've repented to yourself and your God about it, then there's no benefit to telling. Some people think you should be totally honest all the time, but there can be negative, hurtful consequences when you tell someone something unnecessarily. The potential harm to the relationship -- and to your partner -- outweighs whatever good may come of it. In fact, if telling him will cause him pain, then it's actually selfish to tell."
Remember: Just because you're married doesn't mean that your partner has to know everything about you. Says Hutcherson, "Why should he know everything about you? You don't know everything about him! And anyway, if the subject really was a deal-breaker, he would have brought it up before the two of you got serious."
Do you keep secrets from your man?