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Living with a "Project Man"

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One mom asks if this is better or worse than a "Sports Head"?

woman rolling her eyes and two men behind her

Guest blogger NorEastMom: My house has been haunted for two months. At least it would appear that way, if you walked in from the street, because the lights would begin to turn on and off, illuminating and darkening the house as you walked. The computer speaks with a robotic voice to wake us up in the morning. The light bulbs only run at 60% wattage in some rooms. We have Christmas light settings, movie settings, bedtime settings, in different zones of the home. This is because my husband has moved on to his latest project, making our home an "intelligent" or "smart" home. He works on it morning, noon, and night, and it is wreaking havoc on my sanity.

My toilet time, for example, has become totally infringed upon. I used to enjoy sitting on the potty in the evening, while kids were getting ready for bed, and grabbing my latest novel, which would be the only time I could use the toilet for more than 30 seconds that day. This peaceful time has been effectively ruined by our new lighting system, because every 60 seconds, the bathroom light turns off, leaving me and my novel in the dark. Sitting on the pot, I must then attempt to retrigger the motion sensor. Cursing and wildly flailing my arms has proven ineffective for the delicate sensors, so I've learned that leaning off the bowl, and slowly outstretching one arm while lifting and dropping my wrist, will turn the lights back on. I call it the Crapper's Ballet. This gesture gives me one more minute of light, until it needs to be repeated or I have thrown my book across the room. Needless to say, this maddening process has not helped my bowel regularity ...

In the morning, my lights flash on and off, and a voice says, "Wake up, mommy ... time to get the kids ready. Come down and have coffee and get your day started ..." My hubby thought that this would be helpful in rousing me, as he gets up earlier. All it really does is set my mind in motion as to how to dispose of a 190 lb. body after I do away with him. My children also have systems in their room, and during nightly book reading, the lights slowly dim and shut out. You can imagine how a three-year-old takes it when one must tell them, "I'm sorry, I guess today we will not find out if Snow White ever wakes up ... maybe when the sun comes up we can finish the story."

My friends say I'm lucky that my husband doesn't watch sports -- at least he's doing something productive. I say, a man on the couch all day can't do much damage. However, because my man is a project man, our home has a small vineyard, a rock wall, an outdoor shower, a fish cleaning station, handcrafted furniture, and every three years, a large garden. So I can't really complain ... Oh, must ... go ... now ... lights ... just ... went ... off ... (Bump) ... OUCH.

next: Pics of Caylee's Remains Could Be Sold
11 comments so far | Post a comment now
Cassie January 12, 2009, 7:27 PM

so funny- okay- now I will not complain that my husband does nothing- I rather have a “nothing man” than a “project man” anyday. Thanks for helping me realize that the grass is always greener…

step mom in az January 12, 2009, 7:48 PM

thank god my husband is a NOTHING man! ahhahaha. NEVER thought i would say that. But the toilet thing would KILL ME and the morning thing would be tossed through the window… then ‘project man’ could spend the day fixing the window and explaining to the neighbors why their $1500 kick me dog was killed by a flying computer!

amomamous January 12, 2009, 7:54 PM

when i stopped laughing so hard my eyes were watering…. i realized i know this family…

i have a couch potatoe and love it.
he used to be a projedt man but after nailing a chair to the wall and putting HUGE feet on the couch…. he settled down.

p m January 13, 2009, 7:20 AM

ah… it’s 4 min and 15 seconds on the potty. 15 min if the switch is turned on.
good thing the cyber-internet food smoker wasn’t mentioned:)

Stuart Grimshaw January 13, 2009, 9:19 AM

Sounds like your husband needs to implement better occupancy detection, I would suggest pressure sensors on the underside of the toilet seat or for a more complete solution you could issue each family member with an RFID tag and track their movements axactly around the house.

Pete W January 13, 2009, 11:12 AM

You’re very lucky, as I’m sure you realize deep down inside. Think of the money you save in reduced energy bills (obviously ignoring the cost of all the gadgets to save that energy, and the PC’s that have to run 24/7 etc etc). And besides, nearly all your issues could be solved by carrying a torch with you (ultra-brite LED of course). And not forgetting that there are guys that like sports AND gadgets, so you really have lucked out :-) I’m now going to forward this page to my future wife so that she know’s what she’s in for…

Steve Morgan January 13, 2009, 1:32 PM

LOL, Good one Stuart!

Give ‘em more ammunition to beat us with!!

Monica April 23, 2009, 5:26 AM

No the collector is worse. Especially when he collect “action figures”. I can’t keep my guest room clean for nothing!

Eplfndxv June 26, 2009, 11:20 AM

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