Doing "It" In Front of the Kids

Doing "It" In Front of the Kids

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

filed under: jill spivack

Being affectionate with your spouse in front of the kids is one thing, but being sexual?! Well, that's another!

Mom With a Mouth Writes: Last weekend, we had big plans for the day and put our 1-year-old in to the Pack n' Play in our bedroom so that we could get dressed. My husband and I were in a great mood (singing and having fun) and while we were changing, he walked up to me, threw his arms around me and said "let's have a quickie." I giggled like a school girl and said, "No! We can't! The baby is watching." I could see my husband was a little bummed that I turned down his advances, although he must understand: doing it in front of your kid is kind of weird, right??? I mean, won't she be scarred for life? I would be!

ML Parenting Expert Jill Spivack says:

When couples become new parents, sex is often the last things on their minds. After about six weeks post-partum, many women get the go-ahead from their doctors to have sex, and yet lack of sleep, constant diaper changes and keeping up a demanding care-giving schedule causes couples to have a lot of diffuculty connecting and sharing any type of intimacy, whether it's simple cuddling or sexual activity of any kind. Throw in a little new mom anxiety, some spousal resentment over division of labor and post-childbirth pain and voila! You're not likely to see spontaneous, passionate lovemaking very often. Obviously though, it is important though, that when parents have a little one, they try to maintain some sort of physical connection -- even if it's just hand-holding or hugging on a regular basis so that they (children AND parents) don't see their love for one another fade away.

When tiny children sleep in their parents' bedroom (during the first few months), there is usually no problem having sexual relations nearby as the baby is not cognitively aware of what's going on. But by the time a baby is able to pick up his head and look over his crib (if he's still room-sharing), it is time to find another place to be intimate. Not only can sexual activity confuse a young child, but it can feel strange for adults to have sex with one another when there is a cute little third party to stare them down. Going to another room can not only help with privacy, it can also spice things up a bit for a couple.

What to do if your older child walks in on you in the middle of the night: This is more common than most people think. While it's incredibly embarrassing for parents, know that witnessing sexual activity will not ruin your child forever. Ask your child kindly to wait outside the room, get dressed (whether you're finished or not), and go out to have a little chat. Once you sit down with your child, ask her first what she saw; it's important to understand what she witnessed before you go into a deeper explanation. If she has questions, you'll want to explain to her in an age-appropriate manner that when mom and dads love each other, they show each other by hugging and holding each other in private. If they are older, and more curious, you could say Mommy and Daddy were having sex, it's what mommy and daddies do, etc. But this is only if they are older and really very curious or concerned that something was wrong. If they are concerned about the loud sounds, assure them that no one was hurt. You also need to let your child know that in the future they need to always knock on your door before they enter the room and wait for Mommy and Daddy to say come in.

While kids shouldn't be exposed to sex in its classic form, it's important for them to see their parents acting affectionately with one another. Gentle kisses, touching and hugging are all important for children to witness because it teaches them about healthy displays of love and affection. Seeing parents who love one another physically is appropriate and heartwarming for young children and lays the ground work for their own future love relationships. When young children see the visible acts of love between parents, it helps them to feel more secure, as a strong marital relationship is one of the greatest gifts you can give a child.



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10 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

ummmm… im 12 and ummm i think u could of umm like explain more details everyday so kids can learned about it but dont explain 2 much or theyll become to curious and itll affect them and its no good and yeah its about grown ups do i know

- dominic

Posted 01/27/09 10:12 PM

I walked in on my parents a few times. Once when I was about 9 I saw them and they didn’t see me so I got my 2 bros, ages 7 and 4 and we stood there with the door cracked open giggling until they saw us. They were so mad!! I don’t remember what they said to me afterwards. Last year, our then 5 year old son walked in on us and said “gettin sex huh”. I was floored!! I asked where he had heard that and he didn’t want to tell me and then he finally fessed up that he heard it on a cartoon he’s not allowed to watch, Family Guy. For some reason the mood always strikes my hubby during the day and I’m like, wtf, did you forget we have 2 kids or what??!!

- ashley

Posted 01/28/09 09:52 AM

Well, I’m sure most kids do not want to see their parents having sex. eewwww I walked in on mine once & I’ll never forget the sight. I do believe you should talk to your kids about sex but I don’t believe you should be doing it in front of them.

- Michelle

Posted 01/28/09 12:32 PM

It would be **scarring**, disgusting and really really awkward. Just lock the doors!

- bridgette

Posted 02/11/09 03:49 PM

I dont think that its something a child should see. But I agree with the affectionate in terms of hugging, kissing, handholding. When my parents do that it just makes me smile to know that they are so in love, after 30 years and still going. They are a role model for a relationship i want when married. (I still dont like to think about them having sex, maybe love.. but not sex! haha)

- layla

Posted 02/12/09 03:41 PM

My hubby and I wait until she’s napping or sleeping. I don’t like door locking because when she doesn’t know where we are because she starts panicking. The last time she walked in on us (she was supposed to be napping!)She turned around and started crying. She felt excluded. We sighed, got dressed and gave her many huggles and snuggles.

- Ju

Posted 02/27/09 12:20 AM

My 6 year old walked in on my husband and I having relations. I asked him to leave the room and then went to him and explained that Mommy’s and Daddy’s do this. I explained that it is completely natural. That this is away for Mom’s and Dad’s to show each other their love for each other. I also explained that one day he will get married and that he will do this with his wife too. Now, if he has any questions he feels comfortable with asking me. As long as he feels it is a natural part of life then maybe when he is a teenager he will feel it is okay to talk to his Dad or I about it before he does it. I did explain that he needed to be married first. So maybe he will wait until marriage. I think if you avoid the subject and don’t answer their questions then it will make them more curious and they will be more likely to do it without talking to a parent about it first. Sorry if u disagree Mom’s. I feel like if they are old enough and understand enough to ask the question then they are old enough and understand enough to get an honest answer. This is a natural part of life and everyone does it. That doesn’t mean that we can’t discuss this with our children and explain that it is okay for them to do when they are adults. I definitely disagree with any parent allowing a child to watch. I have never had sex with my child in the room when he was a baby!

- Kim

Posted 03/26/09 01:38 PM

I once was 14 years old, and sleeping in our caravan during a holiday in France. And late at night, my parents started to ‘play with eachother’ and the whole caravan was going up and down, I couldn’t walk away from it, but it also didn’t scare me off or something, in fact it let me think of someone I loved myself, during that time, and started playing too.. so in fact I took advantage of the situation, cause now they couldn’t see/heard, what I was busy with ! ;-)

- K

Posted 04/17/09 07:32 PM

DVd17u comment2 ,

- Vqlszbud

Posted 06/22/09 07:26 AM

eeeewww lol

- keyshia

Posted 08/27/09 01:00 AM