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Ten Reasons I Hate the Park

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One mom tells us why.

Mom and child in the park

momlogic's Jenny: Look. There is nothing I love more than spending time watching my son explore the world and make discoveries. And whenever we have free time, I am the first one to say "Let's go to the park!" This weekend, however, as I shielded my son from a kid who's snot looked so green, I thought he had been slimed, I realized I don't exactly love the park. I'll of course keep taking him to the park, but there are just a few things that put me on edge every time I go:

1) Birds. Any time there are remnants of goldfish and graham crackers, you can expect to see birds. Problem is, I hate birds. Unfortunately, my son is obsessed with these little f***ers and the rest of the kids at the park seem to be as well. And -- God forbid -- we leave a crumb or trace of snack behind, those vultures swoop in and plop right down on his overpriced stroller and make themselves at home. Vomit.

2) The park makes me feel fat. My son is too young to climb the jungle gym and go down the slide himself . Well, since I was alone with him and couldn't just send him down by himself, I had to go down with him. My fat ass was literally wedged into the slide as I pushed and shifted cheek by cheek trying to get down. I could feel all the other mommies watching ... Which leads me to #3.

3) "Park Mommies." I see you park mommies. I see you looking at me. What you're thinking when you look at me sympathetically, I have no idea. But as you call your darling Madisons and Coopers over to your bench while you take out your elaborate snack spread (as my son notices a cigarette in the sand box), I'm not sure if I want to ask you for a play date or punch you in the face.

4) Snot buckets. Why, oh, WHY would you bring your kid to a park when his snot is so green and his cough is that of an 80-year-old smoker?! Just because we're outdoors doesn't mean it's not contagious! And why, if your kid is suffering from what seems like the bubonic plague, would you let him come over and touch (i.e. yank!) my son's pail and shovel? Gross!

5) Sand = poop. The playground in our neighborhood is very lovely in comparison to some of the parks in this city. However, that doesn't mean that animals refrain from pooping and peeing in the sandbox. If you think I'm horrified when a bird comes near my stroller, please imagine how I felt when my son proudly picked up a piece of petrified poo out of the sandbox and said "Ball!" Double vomit.

6) Weirdos. If you don't have a kid with you, you shouldn't be sitting inside the gated playground. Period. That goes for the little old ladies, too. (They're half the reason why the park looks like a friggin' aviary with their bags of bread crumbs. Yuck!)

7) Plumber's crack. It ain't pretty but every time I go to the park, everyone gets to see my ass. I do my best to wear long shirts and pull my pants up, but without fail, my thong almost always hangs out when I play with my little guy. Frankly, it's not my fault, though. They shouldn't have those steps so friggin' low, making me squat like I'm peeing in the woods.

8) Swings. This is not really the park's fault per se, but my son isn't interested in going in the swings, he's just interested in jetting towards the big kids who could care less that a toddler half their size could get knocked over by their force. Bringing me to #9.

9) Rude kids. I don't know what it was about the crop of kids at the park on Saturday, but some of the kids were downright rude. My son walked up to two little girls near the slide and said "Hi! hi!" It was the cutest thing I'd ever seen, until he said it again and they just ignored him. Annoyed that these little brats didn't respond, I said sweetly, "Aw, I think he wants to say hi to you." They looked at me, and ignored me, too. Bitches.

10) Thieves. Without fail, I always leave the park with one shovel less. It's like the mysterious sock monster in my dryer, only at the park, the "monster" is your kid. Seriously though, if you're going to allow your kid to come up and steal our toys without offering to share yours, then at least return it when you're done ... Actually, don't. I don't know where your kid has been.

28 comments so far | Post a comment now
Tara @ Fun Candle Business January 28, 2009, 6:26 PM

I can not stop laughing! I am the same way except my kids are big enough to play on the stuff.

It bugs the hell out of me when moms bring their sick kids out around all of the healthy kids to get everyone else sick!

annie January 28, 2009, 10:25 PM

I could only read very short pieces of your whining…very sorry I stumbled upon this page…perhaps you should buy a piece of land to live on so you don’t EVER have to go to a park again!

I’m praying that you find peace with mommyhood! Its suppose to be fun!

Lindsey February 5, 2009, 3:36 PM

I’m totally with you on the rude kids who won’t say hi. My poor little guy gets ignored all the time and it just breaks my heart.

Rachel March 13, 2009, 2:21 PM

I guess what some people dont realize is that there are those of us out there who prefer thongs and wear them everyday. I feel for you..same things happens with my Juicy couture sweat suits. Occasionally my summer tan line will peek as well. Oh well…guess we will just have to deal

just me May 25, 2009, 2:12 PM

Don’t forget that public playgrounds have been found to contain some of the most germ-infested surfaces there are (worse than office telephones!).
I notice that a lot of people are mad that their kids get ignored by other kids at the park (even as they adminish their children not to talk to strangers, as do, I’m sure, the parents of these other “rude” little children). When I was a kid, I was happy just to play in my little corner of the sandbox and not get sand deliberately thrown in my face by other kids (oh, and any uncovered sandbox is going to serve as a neighborhood litter box, even if it’s in your own yard, BTW). I would have been happy to be ignored.

Rcrcgphl June 26, 2009, 10:12 PM

eDcEUy comment2 ,

Katie September 30, 2009, 2:18 PM

I’m going to add #11. People who sit by the playground area and smoke. If you want to mess up your own child’s lungs, then go for it. But do me and every other mother who doesn’t want her child exposed to cigarette smoke from the time they can walk a favor, do it at your own home.

Sarah P. June 13, 2010, 12:58 AM

Yes! The Park Mommies and the Rude Kids! >.

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