Guest blogger Paul Starke: Sunday night is Oscar night! And while Hollywood spends four plus hours congratulating itself, I thought that if there were such a thing as the Baby Oscars, my little boy Luke would be the Meryl Streep of them. He really can transform himself into any role, and does a remarkable Finnish accent. I think Baby Oscars would be a fun telecast. Although after Luke's finished with it, the red carpet would be more like a brown carpet. Here now, "12 Oscar Categories for Babies," and my predictions for the winners:
1 - Best Achievement in Weiner Pulling - Luke (although I'd have swept this category as a tween).
2 - Best Original Song - "Pfffthhhtttttt" by Luke Starke.
3 - Best Costume Design - Pampers Swaddlers. Incidentally, that's also who Luke will be wearing Oscar night.
4- Best Supporting Actress - Our nanny, who pretends she still likes us after spending 10 months with us.
5 - Least Supporting Husband - Me, for my uncanny portrayal as a lazy, unkempt shlub in "Football Season."
6 - Outstanding Special Effects - Luke during lunch. His transformation from mild-mannered baby to mashed-banana wielding psychopath is astonishing!
8 - Creepiest Performance by an Annoying Old Person - That strange lady in Starbucks who tried to give Luke an old Ricola Lozenge from her pocket.
9 - Most Inappropriate Word Said in a Playground - "Anus," by me. Don't ask. Suffice it to say I'm no longer allowed in certain Brooklyn Heights playgrounds.
10 - Best Original Score - The night Luke was conceived. 3 minutes of laughter (my wife's) and tears (mine).
11 - Best Actress - My wife, the same night that #10 occurred. And on our honeymoon.
12 - Lifetime achievement Award - My wife Melissa, of course.
|Paul Starke is an Emmy-winning TV producer, and a co-writer of the #1 New York Times bestseller, An Inconvenient Book.|