Pro-Choice? Quit Crying About Your Miscarriage

Pro-Choice? Quit Crying About Your Miscarriage

Thursday, February 5, 2009

filed under: health logic

Editor's note: momlogic values the right of every woman to have -- and express -- their opinion, and this post is no exception. For those who have a strong reaction to the sentiments expressed below, we encourage you to make your voice heard in our community.

Guest blogger Gina: I respect women's right to choose, but I have little tolerance for pro-choicers who expect sympathy when they have a miscarriage.

These are women who put pro-choice buttons on their backpacks in college and ridiculed pro-lifers for being backward, repressive religious freaks who want to control the world's uteruses.

Ten years have passed and lo and behold, these women have grown up, gotten married, and now have the itch to have a baby of their own. Suddenly the monthly visitor that they were relieved to get when they were 20, now, at 32, plunges them into the depths of depression.

Like vegetarians who eat chicken but not beef, many pro-choice advocates want it both ways. It's a baby when they want it to be, it's a bundle of cells when they don't.

If you believe that pregnancy doesn't produce a baby until some magic number (13 weeks? 20 weeks? 40?), then you must also agree that it's ridiculous to break down in hysterics, set up a memorial website for your "angel," and seek out a grief counselor when you start bleeding in your first trimester. After all, you're simply talking about the loss of a conglomeration of microscopic cells, right?! That's hardly something to cry about.

Advocate all you want, but don't come crying to me when your hypocrisy hits you like a ton of bricks. If you are going to defend the right to abort babies, you don't have the right to be upset when yours dies.

306 comments so far | Post a comment now >>

when i was in college, i had a friend who used to have HUGE arguments with me. she was incredibly pro-life. i mean, amazingly pro-life. me, on the other had, i had NO CLUE what i would do if faced with that situation - making a decision to have an abortion because the impact on my life would be too great. i just couldn’t fathom it. but she was very adamant that she would never have one. ever. for any reason. 2 years later we were talking and she broke down crying. she admitted that she’d had an abortion. the thought of all the ramifications led her there. it was too much for her to bear. and it completely tore her up. i felt so incredibly bad for her - making a decision that went so against what she believed, but had come to see was the “right” decision. now, did i tell her to get over it? did i say anything about having a bed and now she needed to lie in it? no i felt nothing but compassion for her. although i could never have an abortion, i believe it’s a right everyone should have. and i believe that when you have one or when you lose a child no matter how far along you are, you can feel pain - huge, abandoned emotional pain - like none you’ve ever experienced. and that everyone should have compassion for others no matter what. they need to understand that pain and grief and sadness have no rules. they have no boundaries. i wish for you the compassion in the future to see just how sad your view is. and i hope you are never put into the position my friend was put in - grieving for a loss you created and feeling that empty, sad grief that overtook her life.

- andi

Posted 02/05/09 07:55 PM

So just because somebody believes that women should have the individual choice whether or not it’s best for them and the baby to keep said baby-as opposed to the government’s or anybody else’s you think that if they want to have a baby and have a miscarriage they don’t have the right to be sad? Common sense and logic aren’t your strong points, are they?

- Joan

Posted 02/05/09 08:08 PM

and by YOUR reasoning, somebody could support the death penalty for violent criminals but then wouldn’t have any right to feel sad when a loved one was murdered. Oh, and for your information, I am not pro death penalty, I am actually unsure where I stand at this point so don’t even try going there.

- Anonymous

Posted 02/05/09 08:12 PM

Shouldn’t a site called ‘momlogic’ post some content that is, you know, logical? This argument makes no sense - it’s so full of holes I don’t even know where to begin. Let’s start with the assumption that a woman who is not ready to have a child when she’s in college shouldn’t want to be a mother later in life. Which excretory orifice did you pull this one from, Gina? Oh, so sorry that we don’t all comply with your nonsensical prescriptive morality. Next one: who, exactly, came crying to you? Did someone force your eyelids open with toothpicks and chain you to a chair in front of a web site where pro-choice women grieve their first-trimester miscarriages? No? Then shut up. Folks, I think “Gina” is an anti-choice troll (probably a male one, at that). This crap is a page straight out of the clinic-bombing terrorist’s playbook. Nobody who “respects a woman’s right to choose” would spout this classic bit of reactionary anti-woman garbage.

- mouse

Posted 02/05/09 08:14 PM

“Gina”, women weep just as much over a terminated pregnancy as they do over the loss of a planned pregnancy. Making a memorial web site for a miscarriage is kind of sick and self-absorbed, but the whole tone of this article intimates that women are gaily skipping into abortion clinics, and should therefore maintain the same attitude when a pregnancy that they have decided to see through ends unexpectedly and painfully. Saying that you “respect a woman’s right to choose”and then stating that you have no sympathy for women who have experienced a loss, just because they actually do respect a woman’s right to choose, shows you to be a heartless sort, indeed.

- Mona

Posted 02/05/09 08:17 PM

Your ignorance is astounding. To think that you would equate an abortion to a miscarriage of wanted pregnancy blows my mind. It is pro-lifers that you that make me lose respect for your cause. You call us believers in pro-choice cold and heartless, and then you have the gall to assume that just because a woman is pro-choice, she won’t be upset over a miscarriage? Do us a favor, and think before you say such cruel things.

- Emily

Posted 02/05/09 08:29 PM

But seriously though, the author has a good point. If you are pro-abortion, an elective abortion or termination is just a procedure to rid you of some unwanted growth, like a mole. What have you really lost when you miscarry, a mole that you wanted to keep?

- Anonymous

Posted 02/05/09 08:40 PM

Let me spell this out plainly, since there seem to be a few folks not getting how this whole biology thing works… A fetus is not a baby. It is a clump of parasitic cells in the mother’s body. It is the mother that CHOOSES whether this clump of parasitic cells will be allowed to grow and multiply and eventually become a baby or not. A Pro-Choice person believes that the mother should retain control over her own body and that that choice should not be taken away from her. That it is the mother who gets to CHOOSE whether to 1) give her body over to this clump of parasitic cells to either grow and nurture it into a POTENTIAL baby or 2) rid her body of said parasitic cells if no POTENTIAL baby is wanted. The mother’s decision of giving her body over as a resource to this clump of parasitic cells is what confers the status of POTENTIAL baby to these cells and is what makes the emotional connection to the POTENTIAL baby a reality. A woman CAN be Pro-Choice and still mourn a miscarriage. A woman can even have an ABORTION and still be well within logic and reason to mourn a subsequent miscarriage. It is HER conference of POTENTIAL babyhood via emotional attachment and donation of her bodily systems to a clump of parasitic cells that establishes the basis for any sort of POTENTIAL babyhood at all and the decision of whether to form that emotional attachment can vary from individual pregnancy to pregnancy.

- Clue Phone

Posted 02/05/09 09:01 PM

So you’re taking the word “logic” out of your blog’s title when?

- Emily

Posted 02/05/09 09:07 PM

I’m pretty sure everyone has the right to be upset whenever they damn well please. Oh, and although you sound very compassionate, Gina, I’m pretty sure no one will be coming to you looking for a caring, nonjudgmental pal.

- Anonymous

Posted 02/05/09 09:18 PM

I refuse to believe that a woman wrote this.

- Anonymous

Posted 02/05/09 09:19 PM

Pro-choice is just that, not pro-abortion or anti-baby.

- Anonymous

Posted 02/05/09 10:11 PM

I don’t think you understand pro-choice. It’s the choice to CHOOSE. I know many pro-choice women who personally would never have an abortion, but they don’t believe in pushing this decision on others. Pro-choice is not pro-abortion. Secondly, just because a women wants to control when she procreates, with abortion as a last resort, doesn’t mean she cannot be upset when a wanted pregnancy goes wrong. Instead of presenting a coherent opinion, you’ve chosen to rail in the most offensive manner possible. Congratulations, that was a disgusting read.

- Agawa

Posted 02/05/09 10:15 PM

So, it’s totally irrational to think that people should be able to have a choice about something, and then to be upset when fate or ill fortune means that you don’t get to pursue the choices you made? I believe that people should be able to pursue the careers they want. I also am saddened by the fact that many people cannot pursue their chosen careers because fate or ill fortune restricts their choices. Somehow, I don’t see any inconsistency here.

- RarelyPosts

Posted 02/05/09 10:23 PM

I can’t believe people are getting so worked up over this. I mean seriously, who are you kidding? Pro-Choice IS Pro-Abortion…plain and simple! Think about it, the only reason you people are mad is because Gina hit the nail right on the head and you all got slapped with the truth..and it hurts!

- Mackenzie

Posted 02/05/09 10:27 PM

For all of you that think that she is saying Abortion and Miscarriage are the same thing..You are missing her point! Let me make it very, very simple.. If you believe in Abortion, there is no difference between crying over having your period and having a miscarriage, if you do in fact believe that a baby is a just a clump of cells!

- Liz

Posted 02/05/09 10:32 PM

This is an appalling piece of absolute bull. Grow up. Do you suppose that no woman who has an abortion ever cries over the decision. I am sure there are plenty, who have abortions because they have NO OTHER CHOICE. Don’t be so damn naive. No one has an abortion and sings about it afterwards. It is A TERRIBLE decision to make. But I respect a woman’s right to choose because sometimes life gives you really, really crappy circumstances. And even if someone didn’t cry over an abortion, they still retain the right to cry over a miscarriage, over the baby they hoped for and the child they had dreams for. Grow up, and stop writing such drivel until you do.

- Jeannie

Posted 02/05/09 10:37 PM

Hey Liz: Let me make it very, very simple for YOU: Nobody “believes in” abortion. Instead, pro-choicers believe in…wait for it….waaaait for it…CHOICE. As I pointed out elsewhere (in a few places), a person can be pro-choice who would never choose abortion for herself. Such an individual may even believe the potential personhood of a fetus, and thus the fetus itself, has intrinsic value. But such a pro-choicer would also recognize that… …the knife can cut both ways: if one group develops the legal machinery to violate a woman’s privacy and her right to exercise agency, thus allowing that group to mandate forced birth, another group could just as easily push for and eventually mandate negative eugenics – including forced abortion. …no one knows better than the pregnant individual whether she’s capable of taking care of (or adopting out) a baby. It’s her exclusive business whether she chooses to take on that responsibility or postpone it – because regardless of what some anti-choice wankers seem to think, the rights and agency of an actual living, thinking, feeling human being trump whatever rights may adhere to a potential person. And what’s more, a woman who miscarries a wanted pregnancy has lost her ability to choose the outcome, which can itself lead to grief. You and Gina are like a lot of “pro-lifers” out there: you play loose with the facts, you’re condescending twits, and you care about individuals only from conception to birth. After that, all bets are off. Does it hurt to fail as hard as you two have?

- Alyzza

Posted 02/05/09 10:51 PM

“Advocate all you want, but don’t come crying to me when your hypocrisy hits you like a ton of bricks. If you are going to defend the right to abort babies, you don’t have the right to be upset when yours dies.” I won’t be crying, I’ll just throw the pile of cells at you.

- Anonymouse

Posted 02/05/09 11:12 PM

Well I have to question the sanity of any woman who comes “crying to you” for sympathy but mostly I have to say, this “blog post” sounds suspiciously fake. The whole “if you want abortions then you have to be okay with dead babies” logic isn’t part of any logical, sane, intelligent woman’s dialogue so I doubt Gina is a woman, or even reflective of a real person. Pro-choice advocates are not a bunch of one thing or another. We don’t all have the same opinions about when life begins. We do believe that IN THE ABSENCE OF ONE HUNDRED PERCENT FREE SAFE AND RELIABLE BIRTH CONTROL we all deserve to decide whether we give birth to a child. So while “Gina” started a screaming match, hundreds, if not thousands of girls are being taught abstinence only and not learning how to protect themselves from STDs and pregnancies. Hundreds of thousands of women are trying to figure out how to prevent pregnancy in their monogamous relationship or marriage when they can’t afford birth control. Shit like this is always a great distraction, but it is a distraction. Want fewer abortions? Start making sex ed and free birth control a national issue. Until then the “Gina’s” of the world are just empty posts with half-assed logic and sad pasts.

- sillystring3280

Posted 02/06/09 12:01 AM