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My Friend Betrayed Me

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Here's the latest installment of the Friendship Court

Laurie from Omaha writes: I told Amy, my best friend of twenty years, that I had something very serious to tell her but I could only tell her if she swore she would not share it with anyone.

women whispering

She of course, swore she would never and then went on and on telling me how in all the years we'd been friends, she had never betrayed my confidence. So, I confessed that I was cheating on my husband and having an affair. I am so not "the cheating type" and I was freaking out and needed to talk and get Amy's input about how I was going to break it off. Amy asked a lot of questions and I shared a lot of details. Well, you can guess the reason I am writing to "The Friendship Court." Amy told her husband Jack and Jack felt a "manly obligation" to tell his "fellow man" (my husband) everything I told Amy. I want to kill her!!! My marriage, I pray, may recover, but my friendship ... I don't think so! What do you think?

Guest blogger Leslie Adler: Laurie, I hope you aren't serious about killing her ... because then you will end up in a whole different kind of court -- and that will not be good. However, I feel your pain and your anger.

In my court, there is no defense for Amy's behavior. "hos before bros" and "chicks before d@#%*" are among my friendship mantras! Even if she was morally opposed to what you were doing, she should not have shared your secret. I would send Amy packing and put her in friendship jail where she belongs and my advice for you: work on patching up your marriage, if that is what you want and then, find a new BFF.

Ever have a fight or a break-up with a friend and wish a judge could tell you who's right?

Join THE FRIENDSHIP COURT in our ML Community and Leslie will help you settle this once and for all!


next: Jennifer Aniston and Ellen Talk the Big 4-O!
23 comments so far | Post a comment now
ame i. February 6, 2009, 9:33 AM

My mom has always said that a secret is no longer a secret if you tell another person.
My brother-in-law told my late-husband of his own affair and of course my late-husband told me. I resented his brother putting the burden of that knowledge on him while he was dying of cancer & I resented having to try to decide if I should tell my sister-in-law. She did find out, not through me or my husband but I was very tempted.

bubbles February 6, 2009, 10:45 AM

Laurie, if you weren’t cheating on your husband, you wouldn’t be in this position. Did you think that telling your friend about it was going to ease your guilt? Stop blaming other people for your problem. As someone whose husband cheated on her, I can tell you that it is a cowardly, immature act. If you’re unhappy with your husband, talk to him, get counseling. If nothing is resolved, get a divorce and THEN find another man. Your husband deserved to be told and you should have been the one to tell him. I hope you feel ashamed of yourself for the pain you’ve inflicted upon your husband and your friends.

Gennyfer February 6, 2009, 10:50 AM

This attitude about friendship “chicks before d@#%*” is part of why marriages so often fail. I do not consider my husband as part of “don’t tell anyone” nor do I ever expect a friend to keep something I say from their spouse. It’s not appropriate to put that kind of burden of secrecy on someone else’s marriage. Laurie should ask Amy for forgiveness and try to be a better friend. And wife.

Anonymous February 6, 2009, 11:07 AM

I’m with Gennyfer on this one. There shouldn’t be secrets between spouses. I wonder if Leslie isn’t concentrating on her anger with Amy so that she doesn’t have to concentrate the larger problem - her extramarital activities.

veezie February 6, 2009, 11:12 AM

i agree with a pp that you should be able to keep your husband or partner off the “anyone” list when it comes to secrets. i tell my partner everything about everyone. at the same time, my parnter would never betray MY trust by telling someone else what i tell him. you should be able to tell your bff everything, whether its a good thing or a bad thing, and still have the chance to redeem yourself on your own time. i love the people saying that she was a jerk for having an affair in the first place. i didn’t know angels had internet in heaven, cos obviously these people are blameless for anything. everyone messes up sometime. and thats precisely when you need your bffs the most.

Julie February 6, 2009, 11:33 AM

My childhood friend told her then husband that I had seen a male friend that my, (then) husband didn’t like before I told him about it. When confronted she said Ef you to me and I ended the friendship there. I have forgiven her since then but, we will never have a friendship. You learn about people and sometimes that means you don’t like them.

Anonymous February 6, 2009, 12:08 PM

Veezie - Having an affair is a choice not a “mess up”. It’s selfish, damaging, and will change the lives of everyone involved in the relationship.

bubbles February 6, 2009, 12:57 PM

Sometimes people that share their “secret” about their affair are hoping, subconsciously or not, that someone will “let the cat out of the bag” to their spouse or partner. It’s cowardly and passive aggressive. If you make a very poor choice,especially one as painful and life altering to another person (supposedly someone you love), as having an affair, the first step in the right direction, in my opinion, is to confess it to the person you’re cheating on. You owe it to them to give them a chance to decide whether or not your relationship is worth working on or if it’s time to dump your sorry ass! Make an attempt to redeem yourself!

lee February 6, 2009, 1:03 PM

i can bet your friends intentions werent to only spread gossip, but maybe to get you some help. You are in the wrong for cheating on your husband! YOU need to tell the truth and fix what YOU caused! you put a lot of pressure on your friend telling her that. i feel sorry for her and for your faithful husband.

Jena February 6, 2009, 2:14 PM

I agree that having an affair is a stupid immature thing to do but that’s not the issue. If her friend had said, look I don’t count my husband on the “don’t tell” list from the beginning then everything would have been clear. However, if you’re asked to not tell something, it’s on YOU to inform that person about your “don’t tell” list. Not that I think that it should be an issue. After all, if you’re asked to not tell, then don’t tell. Period. There are plenty of things about my friends that I don’t tell my fiance. He doesn’t need to know EVERYTHING about my friends! Or even *our* friends. The only thing that I would break that rule for is if it were a criminal offense and even then, if I knew the person was going to come clean, I’d let them handle it and support however I was able.

KOPAL February 6, 2009, 2:37 PM

I don’t keep ANYTHING from my husband, especially important things. All of my friends know this and would never put me in a position of having to keep something from him.

bubbles February 6, 2009, 3:09 PM

Sorry Laurie, but evidently YOU ARE the cheating type. You are not any better than any one else who cheats on their loved one. You have all made bad, selfish choices. The only person you should have told about your affair was your husband and perhaps a couple’s counselor. That is, if your husband still wanted anything to do with you after you told him. As for you forgiving your BFF for betraying you I have a comment: You betrayed your husband’s trust & that is a far worse thing than your friend did. If you were my friend, I’m afraid that I wouldn’t have any respect for you anymore and wouldn’t particularly care if you forgave me for what I did or not. Perhaps you were secretly hoping that she would spill the beans to your husband, that way, you wouldn’t have to do it yourself. Very cowardly, yet effective.

Anonymous February 6, 2009, 3:19 PM

Well said, Bubbles!

Anonymous February 6, 2009, 5:01 PM

I AGREE WITH BUBBLES TOO! SHE GAVE HER HUSBAND NO RESPECT, SO WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WHAT SHE DID AND HER FRIEND…IN BOTH SITUATIONS A TRUST WAS BROKEN, ONLY LAURIES WAS MUCH WORSE, TO BETRAY THE ONE PERSON YOU COUNT ON (AND ONE YOU HAVE COUNTED ON FOR 20 YEARS) IS A LOW AND HORRIBLE THING TO DO. I KNOW I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO FORGIVE YOU IF I WERE HIM. YOU MADE THE CHOICE TO SPREAD YOUR LEGS, NOT YOUR FRIEND!

Bec Thomas February 6, 2009, 5:33 PM

You really need to take some self responsibility. For one a secret isn’t a secret anymore once you tell people. It’s not your friends fault your husband is angry you’re cheating on him. This is all on you.

RealityCheck February 6, 2009, 7:28 PM

Shame on you for putting that burdon on your friend! What you did is share the guilt, at least you got something out of it. She got guilt and lost a good friend over it. Get a life and grow up!

Anonymous February 6, 2009, 10:31 PM

You probably should have confided in your husband first but that dosent give her the right to blab

angela February 11, 2009, 10:12 AM

lndas…giro

Anonymous February 11, 2009, 10:13 AM

fixe….

angela February 11, 2009, 10:16 AM

lindos comentarios,parabens…


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